to think a man and a woman can't be friends?

[QueenBach]

Seems to be the sad conclusion that I've reached.

I've been working at a new place for 4 months now, have a desk next to a guy - really like him, he's funny, easy to chat to and we have very similar tastes. I do not like him in any other way but friendship and he has a girlfriend who he loves.

Like I mentioned we have very similar tastes and both love the same music. They are playing in our home city next year and I'd love to ask him to go (I have very different music tastes to my friends and therefore they wouldn't want to go with me - fair enough.)

However I would never ask him because he has a girlfriend and I'm sure most women wouldn't their partners going on an evening out with a female work colleague. So our friendship sticks to work hours and we would never communicate or meet up or text - so can't really develop that as a friendship.

Another guy at work I was friendly to him, if we had a break together we would go outside and chat. He asked if I was single when very soon on (I am) and towards this last month has been pushing me to go on a date with him. Why can't we just be friends?

Now I'm not a Samantha Brick and definitely not as good looking as her either but it seems to me if a man is in a relationship is quite a no go zone to start a friendship with him and if they are single then the majority of the time it will turn in a sex or relationship thing.

So from my experiences (there are other examples but these are the most recent ones) men and women can't be just friends.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

So those of you who say its fine would seriously not bat an eyelid if your dh/dp came home one day and said that he was off to a gig with a new female friend/colleague, whom you'd never met?

There are loads of threads on here which prove otherwise. With answers to this type of thing ranging from 'he is an inconsiderate arse to not consider your feelings', all the way through to 'I'd suspect an affair' or 'ltb'.

I'd consider posters on this thread to be either rather disingenuous or to have only read the thread title rather than OPs post.

To suggest the op is incapable of forming friendships is downright nasty imho.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

I wouldn't be very happy if dh went to a gig with a single woman he was friends with at work. And I wouldn't arrange nights out with single men either. Mutual friend of both of ours/ or a friend from before we met - maybe. But not the scenario op describes.

[Tapirbackrider]

I have more male friends than female ones - the result of working in a male dominated industry. Dh's closest friend is a female; at one point they were flat sharing together whilst working on an attachment to a specialist unit in London.

Would I bat an eyelash if he went out with her, or any other female friend? No. Does he? No.

To stereotype all men because of a few dozen sleazy ones is not on, IMO, and we would be up in arms if it were the other way around.

[QueenBach]

Blinking hell FredFredGeorge someone got out of the bitter side of the bed this morning.

How have you deduced that I'm obsessed with his girlfriend? I genuinely don't even know her name, if he speaks about her it's not in depth just like I'm going to the cinema with my girlfriend tonight.

He's an absolutely lovely guy and from that I'm assuming that so is his girlfriend.

When have I thought for my friends or made them decided whether to do something or not?

Maybe I'm personally quite a deep thinker and I try and be thoughtful and wouldn't want to put people in possible awkward situations.

I'm sure if I came on here and said my partner has become friends with the new girl at work and shes single and asked him to go to a concert with her. Aibu to be uncomfortable with this? I'm pretty sure most would say YANBU.

I have lots of friends thanks. I love meeting different and new people too. I'm surprised you have any friends with how bitter and sour you come across.

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

YABU, yes. I can not be arsed with the idea of people being jealous if their partner goes out socially with someone of the opposite sex. And if a woman invites a male friend out to do something, it's not her business to wonder/worry about their partner having a problem with it.

IMO people need to grow up, basically.

[Spickle]

Most of the posters here mention having these friends for years, often before meeting OHs etc, and also that those friends are not previous exes and therefore not a problem.

The work colleague's girlfriend probably wouldn't feel worried if the OP invited her OH to a concert, unless there were an underlying suspicion of feelings on either side.

But how many of you would feel uncomfortable if your SO was friends with someone they had previously been in a relationship with?

I have no issue whatsoever with my DP's female friends but I would struggle if DP wanted to meet up with an old ex as "friends".

[EBearhug]

So those of you who say its fine would seriously not bat an eyelid if your dh/dp came home one day and said that he was off to a gig with a new female friend/colleague, whom you'd never met?

It wouldn't bother if we'd never met, but I think it would bother me if they'd never been mentioned.

If your partner doesn't work very locally, you might not have many opportunities to meet them, especially if it's a department which doesn't tend to have many social events, partly (but only partly) because not many people live that locally, and most aren't in the same direction, so the rare occasions we do go out, it's unlikely to be with partners. I have heard a lot about colleagues' partners, but I've only met a handful over the years, and it's mostly been down to geographical convenience. At a previous company, we tended to meet spouses & partners at least at the big Christmas do, and sometimes at other parties. Other times, it would be evenings out without partners, and some things happened with only one or two other people, if it was something not many others were interested in. Different companies seem to have different social cultures.

[FredFredGeorge]

QueenBach You've thought for him as soon as you decided not to ask him purely because of entirely his personal factors. You ask, if he thinks it would be odd because of his GF, he declines, or invites her too, or any other solution that is his.

Normal male/female friendships don't have this fretful worrying about how other people see it - they just get on with being friends, the same as male/male and female/female friends.

[Seaweedy]

OP, you sound determined to disbelieve people who say they don't have a problem with their other halves having female friends! I have close male friends, my husband's close friends are about 80% female, and he has on at least one occasion i can think of shared a hotel bed with a female friend when we were all skint and students. I think it was a wedding I couldn't go to.

i am being 100% honest when I say this is not an issue for me. That doesn't make me either some seventies swinger type or The Dalai Lama! I have plenty of hang ups and insecurities, but my husband being close to other women is not among them.

[memphis83]

My two best friends are men, I recently went on a stag do as the only woman. The only female friends I have are the wives and girlfriends of my male friends.
We have all been friends since school though, One will give me away when I get married soon and the other is my 'bridesmaid'. My dp loves that I have male friends as there are certain gigs/films/nights out I want to go to but aren't his type of thing so I go with my friends instead.

[Seaweedy]

PS, I meant to say, ask this guy if he wants to go to the gig or whatever it was! I think it's rare enough to meet someone you genuinely click with, so don't pass this one over for a spurious reason!

Also, maybe you are being over cautious about this guy because of the other male colleague immediately seeing you as a potential date...? Are you worried that this also looks like asking someone out in a date sense...?

[SilverApples]

'So those of you who say its fine would seriously not bat an eyelid if your dh/dp came home one day and said that he was off to a gig with a new female friend/colleague, whom you'd never met?'

Yes. And he is the same with me. I realise that it is incomprehensible and inconceivable for the majority to begin to cope with that idea and not see a shagfest, but it is not the only way in which we choose to live an unconventional lifestyle.

[SilverApples]

I do hope that DD and DS find rational and secure partners who trust them.

[QueenBach]

OP, you sound determined to disbelieve people who say they don't have a problem with their other halves having female friends!

Erm what the hell are you on about? Don't put words in my mouth thanks.

I've never said that I don't believe people who say their partners have female friends or they have males friends. I'm sure they do, why would they lie?

I also said I should have worded it better. I am referring more to making new friends when the other person is the opposite sex and is in a relationship - then it becomes quite hard.

I think it also might be hard to socialise as a group consisting of a couple and a single person. Not impossible but hard.

I've never made this a female thing either. But in my examples of course it would have been me being friends with a man and him having a girlfriend.

Yes I do believe that men and women can be friends if certain factors are included.

[QueenBach]

SilverApples you already stamped your feet and had your tantrum that this thread had been done to death and was boring and that you were "hiding" it.

Yet you're still commenting? .... Riiiiiight.

[SilverApples]

'Yes I do believe that men and women can be friends if certain factors are included.'

Changing your mind, just a little maybe? Realising that some relationships are run along different rules and perceptions.? Good.

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

'I think it also might be hard to socialise as a group consisting of a couple and a single person. Not impossible but hard.'

Really? You really think it'd be that hard for a group of people to, you know, enjoy each other's company, because of some of them being part of a couple and some not?

[SilverApples]

Well, only if you have something to talk about that doesn't focus on being a couple. Otherwise you'd just sit there feeling left out.

[SoupDragon]

I've been pursuing my hobby in Richmond Park late at night with two married men with no problems at all. And no, it's not dogging

Maybe you can't be friends with men but that doesn't make it a universal truth.

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

The key phrase here is 'I would love to meet your girlfriend'. Even if you aren't sure you would. You say you don't know much about her - so she could be lovely and into the same things as you. Or she could be a total arsehole or just someone you have nothing in common with, but you won't know that without meeting her. Seriously, suggest that you all go to see the band together. If I was in her shoes I wouldn't want to make you feel like the third wheel, I would worry about occupying that position myself, but assuming your friendship isn't based on hugging him every five minutes and sulking every time his partner speaks (nearly every male I've dated has been friends with at least one woman who has done at least one of those) things should be ok. If you like her you get two friends for the price of one.

In other words, men and women can be friends. People with vastly different expectations of friendship, whatever sexes and genders are involved, tend to have problems.

[EBearhug]

Can't you just say something like, "Do you fancy going to this gig? Is it the sort of thing your girlfriend likes? Would she want to come too? It'd be great to meet her."

Mind you, my experience of letting boyfriends meeting my male friends has been that they get into some in depth discussion about cricket or stuff, and pretty much ignore me... Er, and I've done similar with wives of my male friends when I've met them.

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

Arf at 'And no, it's not dogging'

[QueenBach]

Still commenting SilveApples ? Thought you'd hidden this thread a long time ago......

[SilverApples]

Changed my mind, I'm like that. I'm an inconsistent, unreliable girly, what do you expect of someone based on candyfloss and ?
I do agree that it's hard to have a friendship with a bloke if you fancy him and keep dribbling when you should be attempting conversation. Even the most tolerant girlfriend would find that hard to deal with.