to think a man and a woman can't be friends?

[QueenBach]

Seems to be the sad conclusion that I've reached.

I've been working at a new place for 4 months now, have a desk next to a guy - really like him, he's funny, easy to chat to and we have very similar tastes. I do not like him in any other way but friendship and he has a girlfriend who he loves.

Like I mentioned we have very similar tastes and both love the same music. They are playing in our home city next year and I'd love to ask him to go (I have very different music tastes to my friends and therefore they wouldn't want to go with me - fair enough.)

However I would never ask him because he has a girlfriend and I'm sure most women wouldn't their partners going on an evening out with a female work colleague. So our friendship sticks to work hours and we would never communicate or meet up or text - so can't really develop that as a friendship.

Another guy at work I was friendly to him, if we had a break together we would go outside and chat. He asked if I was single when very soon on (I am) and towards this last month has been pushing me to go on a date with him. Why can't we just be friends?

Now I'm not a Samantha Brick and definitely not as good looking as her either but it seems to me if a man is in a relationship is quite a no go zone to start a friendship with him and if they are single then the majority of the time it will turn in a sex or relationship thing.

So from my experiences (there are other examples but these are the most recent ones) men and women can't be just friends.

[QueenBach]

Oh riiiiight so when I change my mind you try and attempt to patronise me.

But it's perfectly ok for you to change your mind?

I genuinely have no idea what load of crap you just wrote about candyfloss and dribbling but ooooook.

I'll pass you a tissue for that nose bleed. It must be pretty high up there on your horse.

[SilverApples]

It's OK thanks, I'm used to the altitude.

[QueenBach]

Ha good

[ZingWantsCake]

SoupD

@ not dogging!

OP I find it interesting that you fail to reply to level headed & supportive advice (which I and many others have given you)

so for that reason I'm out.

[ZingWantsCake]

SilverApples

your last post is pitch perfect!

[QueenBach]

Oh for pete sake what rubbish are you spouting Zing?

Did you want me to bow down to your comments or something?

I did listen to other people, some said invite girlfriend, I said good advice but I would perhaps feel like a third wheel.

I haven't seen any other advice.

Why would I need supportive advice in the first place? It's hardly a hand holding situation. It was more of a discussion - which others have participated in and not felt the need to make a big declaration that they are leaving because I didn't personally respond to their comment.

[QueenBach]

having said that I'd probably ask him and his girlfriend to that concert.
why not?

and the other guy - if he fancies you he'll never be "just a friend" IMO.

Fine I will answer this now.

I already said to Worra it was a good point about inviting his girlfriend but I would perhaps feel like a third wheel.

Did you really need me to repeat myself?

And I'm not sure how the last sentence is "supportive advice" - but sure. I think he has got the message now anyway.

There I bow down to your insightful views and beg you not to leave this thread.

[CommanderShepard]

It is a bit of a minefield. My sister lives with a male friend and is constantly getting nudge-nudge-wink-wink jokes about tiptoeing across the corridor at night and so on, as well as mawkish shit about how they might get together in the end after realising The One was right under her nose all along! except she doesn't live in a fucking romcom

Of course, they do tend to shut up when she says she loves living with Dudefriend because their girlfriends get on really well.

Mind you I lived with a group of guys at uni. Great friends but never in a month of Sundays would I have got it on with any of them.

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

I totally disagree I work and have always worked in completely male dominated environments and I have has loads of male friends. It was definitely easier when I had a boyfriend and everyone knew there was no hidden agenda but definitely yabu.

[skyflyer]

Of course a man and a woman can be friends.

My best friend of over 25 years is a man. His wife of 10 years and previous long term gf of 8 years had no issue with it, neither does my DH.

[maddy68]

Well I have to disagree. My four closest friends are all male. I went away with two of them this weekend to a festival. My husband knows them well and knows they are my friends. (And only friends)

[StuntGirl]

So those of you who say its fine would seriously not bat an eyelid if your dh/dp came home one day and said that he was off to a gig with a new female friend/colleague, whom you'd never met?

Absolutely couldn't give less than a shit.

[maddy68]

My oh has female friends. He plays pool with one and goes all over the country sometimes staying over night at competitions. Sometimes I go ( generally I can't be arsed).
She is lovely
Why would I worry. I trust him as he trusts me.
I have just had an amazing time with my two male friends this weekend. My dh would have hated it

[ZingWantsCake]

OP

did you mean to be so rude?

[fabergeegg]

I know this is something many people here feel strongly about. Speaking personally, I don't think it can work, actually. I've no problem with my DH chatting with women at work but I wouldn't want to see him start a friendship with them - lunches, trips out, phone calls, texts... I just wouldn't. And he wouldn't feel happy doing it, either. Love can come when you're least expecting it - with anyone!

I have a spinster aunt who has male married friends calling to 'blow off steam'. She lost my respect.

Marriage is under siege a bit in our culture and the idea that choices come with sacrifices attached is also very unpopular. But if we carried out a poll of people with long and happy marriages, I very much doubt that many of those people would have had cross gender friendships that weren't part of a couple or a shared friend. And there's a reason for that. However it's also likely that many would highlight the importance of giving each other space. Just...not space of that kind.

So no, YNBU

[Trills]

YABU

Maybe you can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex.

Or maybe the men you know can't be friends with a women.

But there's no actual reason why two people of different sexes, or two people whose sexual orientations "match", could not be platonic friends.

[Trills]

I don't understand what the guy who asked you out did wrong.

You're single. He's single. He asked you out.

You say "why can't we just be friends?" but how is he to know that you don't fancy him without asking?

[SilverApples]

'But if we carried out a poll of people with long and happy marriages, I very much doubt that many of those people would have had cross gender friendships that weren't part of a couple or a shared friend.'

27 years long enough? 30 if you count how long we've been shacked up together.

[FredFredGeorge]

fabergeegg but I wouldn't want to be with a partner who was with me simply because they didn't have the opportunity to meet someone better? What would be the point?

[cory]

fabergeegg Mon 26-Aug-13 21:01:58

"Marriage is under siege a bit in our culture and the idea that choices come with sacrifices attached is also very unpopular. But if we carried out a poll of people with long and happy marriages, I very much doubt that many of those people would have had cross gender friendships that weren't part of a couple or a shared friend. And there's a reason for that."

Dh and I have also been together 30 years, but he still can't hold a decent conversation about Classical philology. My friend (from before I knew dh) can.

Marriage may be under siege in our culture but dh's and my marriage is not.

[QueenBach]

did you mean to be so rude?

This sentence really does not have the desired effect everyone seems to think it does.

In fact I think most people on MN roll their eyes at this question now.

You stamped your foot and declared that you were "out" and yet still continued to read and then comment so .....

I don't understand your big declaration about how I have ignored peoples supportive advice and for that reason you were leaving the thread when clearly the advice of "ask his girlfriend to come too" had been offered in the first reply and I had responded.

What other advice was there?

This wasn't an advice thread, it was an opinion of mine which I was interested to discuss.

I genuinely am stumped why you felt the need to publicly declare you were leaving a thread and what "supportive" advice I was meant to have responded to.

[SilverApples]

cory, do you think that your lack of unfounded jealousy and your reasonable attitude has contributed to the survival of your marriage in these troubled times?

[blueshoes]

Silverapples, what is the point of your last post?

[cory]

blueshoes, I think it was a comment on fabergeegg's suggestion that the marriages with cross gendered friendships weren't the long established and happy marriages, to which I responded that dh and I (like Silverapples and her dh) have been together for 30 years, which seems pretty long established to me.

[blueshoes]

Cory, I was confused where "unfounded jealousy and reasonable attitude" comes into it. Personal, not?