To think there was something disturbing about this boy?

[MadameOvary]

Posting here so you can all give me a good slap and tell me not to be such an arse if I am BU.
DD, DP and I were at barbie at weekend with his two DD's. Lots of other parents with their DC. First I saw this boy is when DD was playing with a toy house. He kept running his car all over it. DD asked him to stop but he just ignored her and carried on. It wasn't her toy and I took the view that she should really share it as there was lots of kids there, but she wasn't having any of it.

I asked the boy, who was about 6 or 7, if he would play round the house instead of all over it but he just looked right through me. DD was getting really upset and trying to physically move his hand away but he was just carrying on. DD can be a bit funny about sharing so I didn't want to make a scene but had no clue what to do beyond taking the toy away. Fortunately at that point the boy's father came over and called him away, saying that he shouldn't be playing with doll's houses

Later DP's DD came over and told me about this rude boy who had pushed her off a swing and said "Are you blind"? when walking behind her. I asked what he looked like and she described someone similar to this boy but as there were others who fitted the description I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Next incident I witnessed was the boy trying to get under the table where some of the girls had made a den. He ignored their requests to go away until they were literally screaming at him, and still seemed unfazed. He seemed to have no concept of personal space and it appeared their distress left him completely unmoved. Again some parents had to intervene.

Final thing I witnessed was outside. He was trying to grab a bag of sweets from this girl who was carrying it. Again he ignored her telling him to leave her alone. He grabbed at the bag and she tried to push him away. He then hit her on the cheek. I shouted at him to stop. He just stood there with a faint smirk on his face. Completely unmoved. At that point his Dad came out and I told him what happened. The Dad was suprised and shocked. The boy only said, quite calmly "It wasn't on the face" The Dad then asked the girls what happened and they told him the same. At that point the Dad took the boy to his car to give him (I presume) a good talking to.

While they were there I asked the girl was ok. She was fine - I was more upset than her I think!

They got out of the car at the same time we were leaving, and DP's DD said "That's the boy that was horrible to us"

So what I want to know is, am I BU/small-minded/naive in being freaked out by his behaviour? I'm around kids a lot and nothing much fazes me. Quite a few kids I know have SEN or ASD traits and I never automatically assume a kid is being "naughty", esp if they're distressed. But the way this child just stood calmly in the midst of all the chaos he was creating was quite unnerving.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Lotsofdirections,

Given that your a teacher. Go and learn the difference between SEN and SN its actually quite important that you know.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

CogDat I feel for you....is he ok at school?

[RandallPinkFloyd]

I'm not sure it matters whether the little boy in question has any SNs or if he's a NT kid who was having a naughty day. What matters is that you found a 6yo 'disturbing'. Being disturbed by a 6yo?

By way of some spectacular drip-feeding you have now said that you have some 'sensory issues' and a family history of various SNs. I would wager that yes, you do have some issues. Being disturbed by a small child is not healthy. I think rather than trying to rationalise the child's behaviour (i.e. looking for evidence of SNs) you focus instead on your own thought process and try to find out what prompts you to project such massive issues on to a small child.

My niece is 5. She is a lovely natured child, full of compassion and very caring. She also has occasions where she is a pita all the live-long day. She wakes up with the arse and that's it, she's a complete sodding nightmare til bedtime. That's just the way kids roll.

So maybe the little boy in question does have SNs of some sort or is perhaps on the AS. Or perhaps he is completely NT and was misbehaving. Either way it doesn't matter. It sounds like the poor kid had a thoroughly miserable time and the idea that someone has now gone on the Internet purely to describe this child's behaviour in detail and actually expect people to agree that he is disturbed is frankly horrible.

BTW to anyone else who was at that BBQ what you've written is very identifying. How would you feel if his parents read what you've written?

[MadameOvary]

Thanks Randall, it never occurred to me that this attitude was purely as a result of my own issues. How kind of you to enlighten me.

I didn't say he was disturbed. I said I found his behaviour disturbing. And that in itself disturbed me. He was a kid. So I posted on here for some perspective. Which I got. FGS if you want people to agree with you, AIBU is not the first choice!

If the boy's parents read what I've written they'll see someone who was ignorant about a range of behaviours become less so by the end of the thread. The boy didn't have the problem. I did.

But I'm going to get the thread deleted anyway in case the parents do see it and interpret it the way you and some other posters did, despite my best efforts to the contary.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

You said AIBU to think there was something disturbing about this little boy

Something disturbing ABOUT him IS him!

[MadameOvary]

Oh FGS.
Well I've moved on...

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

Evidently not...

[Cravey]

I'm still finding it disturbing that you don't feel the need to teach your own child to share. Did it cross your mind at all that others may feel there's something disturbing about your child ? This is one of the most horrid threads ever on here.

[MadameOvary]

Thank you for your post Maryz I do understand this and I know that to some people I will always be in the wrong/judgemental/etc. no matter what I say because my OP was deemed offensive.

When I say I've moved on Neo I mean I will no longer judge these behaviours in such a negative light, and am embarrassed and ashamed to have done so.

Talking of negative assumptions Cravey Why no, it never crossed my mind that people would look at my DD shouting and bawling over her refusal to share and think "How odd" or "How disturbing". She is my perfect little angel and can Do No Wrong.

FFS. Read the thread. You might see:

*Are people actually reading my posts? The boy was being a kid. For the most part annoying, apart from the hitting which was not acceptable. My DD was BU in not sharing. I was asking if I was BU in being disturbed by his behaviour. Most think I was. Fair enough.
As to how I dealt with it, do please judge that too. I've already said I made an arse of it! *

[PigOnStilts]

I suspect that all of our children have, at some point, been regarded as wierd by other parents. Who cares? Kids are kids. Not fully socialised, not fully mature, prone to their little idiosyncrasies....I m sure people think my sons wierd when he shimmies up me at parties out of sheer shyness...he's just a kid.

[Cravey]

It wasn't a negative assumption Madame it was sarcasm. I think the way you spoke about a little boy was horrid. And Ffs I did read the thread.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

I'm very glad you have been enlightened. I'm also very glad if it's made you consider your own issues. It's massively refreshing to see people admit they are wrong (even if they do so in the midst of a self-defensive rant ) I also understand that getting a pasting on here isn't fun.

I genuinely do believe that you have some issues that have affected your perspective. That's not an insult, just an observation. Fwiw, if you had mentioned your issues to start with I think the thread would have gone very differently.

If this thread has helped you then great, it was worth it. Especially given your daughter's age. Getting a pasting on here and learning from it is definitely preferable to offending the parents of your dd's new school friends.

Good on you for taking it on the chin.

[KateSMumsnet]

@RandallPinkFloyd

I'm very glad you have been enlightened. I'm also very glad if it's made you consider your own issues. It's massively refreshing to see people admit they are wrong (even if they do so in the midst of a self-defensive rant ) I also understand that getting a pasting on here isn't fun.

I genuinely do believe that you have some issues that have affected your perspective. That's not an insult, just an observation. Fwiw, if you had mentioned your issues to start with I think the thread would have gone very differently.

If this thread has helped you then great, it was worth it. Especially given your daughter's age. Getting a pasting on here and learning from it is definitely preferable to offending the parents of your dd's new school friends.

Good on you for taking it on the chin.

Hear hear! We can see that the OP has admitted she was BU, and asked for the thread to be removed. We won't be deleting it as it doesn't break our guidelines, but we'd appreciate it if poster could acknowledge the thread has moved on.

[MadameOvary]

Acknowledged. Thanks KateSMumsnet

[MadameOvary]

Oh. You didn't mean me did you

[Nancy66]

I think MadameOvary has been incredibly mature and considered throughout the whole thread - the madder psychopath stuff didn't come from her.

[BazilGin]

I can't believe all these posts defending the "poor little boy". His behaviour was nothing to be proud of tbh, especially the hitting. I can understand toddlers hitting, but a 6-7 year old hitting is not acceptable.
yANBU.

[Littleen]

He just sounds like a bully. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is teach your children to cope with such behaviour, as they are everywhere.

[youarewinning]

I'm with fanjo This sounds like my DS luckily I know its not as no BBQ's recently! He is being assessed for ASD.

He would have driven the car over the house playing and attempting to play with you DD - her dramatic wails or insistence he bugger off would not have phased him one bit.
He would likely push someone off a swing - but only if he had been removed or had it taken first. He would have stood there passively not saying anything as couldn't explain that unless asked in a specific way.
If he saw others sharing sweets he would have just taken one if others were.
He also wouldn't have gone away from the den if he wanted to play and others were - and quite frankly why should he be excluded.
He has been known to physically hurt others when a situation like this has occurred - eg a build up of anxiety because 'nothing' he does is received warmly and he just wants to play.

I would have taken him away and explained hurting wasn't nice but would have also been to calm him down.

We don't know if this boy has SN or not - but it doesn't sound unusual behaviour for a child of 5ish who's been moaned at the way this boy had. My DS would behave this way because of his ASD/SCD but he's 9yo although socially and emotionally about 5.

[youarewinning]

Forgot to say - it's been a great AIBU - at least you've accepted you were a little!

[CorrinaKedavra]

While we're edumacating can I please point out to the teacher on the thread that my DS isn't "SN" and is not an "SN child"

He is an individual person who just happens to have autism.

Thanks.

[Quaffle]

Ooh no! YANBU! From what you describe he's obviously got something really wrong with him. I expect he's the antichrist.