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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there was something disturbing about this boy?

252 replies

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 19:28

Posting here so you can all give me a good slap and tell me not to be such an arse if I am BU.
DD, DP and I were at barbie at weekend with his two DD's. Lots of other parents with their DC. First I saw this boy is when DD was playing with a toy house. He kept running his car all over it. DD asked him to stop but he just ignored her and carried on. It wasn't her toy and I took the view that she should really share it as there was lots of kids there, but she wasn't having any of it.

I asked the boy, who was about 6 or 7, if he would play round the house instead of all over it but he just looked right through me. DD was getting really upset and trying to physically move his hand away but he was just carrying on. DD can be a bit funny about sharing so I didn't want to make a scene but had no clue what to do beyond taking the toy away. Fortunately at that point the boy's father came over and called him away, saying that he shouldn't be playing with doll's houses Hmm

Later DP's DD came over and told me about this rude boy who had pushed her off a swing and said "Are you blind"? when walking behind her. I asked what he looked like and she described someone similar to this boy but as there were others who fitted the description I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Next incident I witnessed was the boy trying to get under the table where some of the girls had made a den. He ignored their requests to go away until they were literally screaming at him, and still seemed unfazed. He seemed to have no concept of personal space and it appeared their distress left him completely unmoved. Again some parents had to intervene.

Final thing I witnessed was outside. He was trying to grab a bag of sweets from this girl who was carrying it. Again he ignored her telling him to leave her alone. He grabbed at the bag and she tried to push him away. He then hit her on the cheek. I shouted at him to stop. He just stood there with a faint smirk on his face. Completely unmoved. At that point his Dad came out and I told him what happened. The Dad was suprised and shocked. The boy only said, quite calmly "It wasn't on the face" Hmm The Dad then asked the girls what happened and they told him the same. At that point the Dad took the boy to his car to give him (I presume) a good talking to.

While they were there I asked the girl was ok. She was fine - I was more upset than her I think!

They got out of the car at the same time we were leaving, and DP's DD said "That's the boy that was horrible to us"

So what I want to know is, am I BU/small-minded/naive in being freaked out by his behaviour? I'm around kids a lot and nothing much fazes me. Quite a few kids I know have SEN or ASD traits and I never automatically assume a kid is being "naughty", esp if they're distressed. But the way this child just stood calmly in the midst of all the chaos he was creating was quite unnerving.

OP posts:
littlemisswise · 25/08/2013 20:29

Jesus Christ on a rubber bike! This place is getting worse by the fucking day.

YABU OP. Sounds like the poor little boy only wanted to play!

Original poster
MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 20:30

Well, if "sheltered" means I haven't seen many kids behave like this, then yes I have.

She didn't push him, she was trying to move his hand away so I moved HER hand away. I didn't take the toy away from either of them. I was trying to get them to play nicely but DD, as I said, just wanted it all to herself.

I may have given the impression that my own DD's behaviour was beyond reproach. Hell no. Point is I'm used to my DD's behaviour, and have a set of responses that I hope work for the best. I'm not used to this kind of behaviour. Most kids I know would either get upset, fight over the toy or shrug and walk away.

That in itself wasn't disturbing, it was DD who was the problem, not the boy, it was all the other things I describe, esp the hitting. There were about 15 kids there, boys and girls.

Thanks for all your responses. I won't be fazed by this if I see it again.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 25/08/2013 20:34

Poor boy.
He tried to join your dd playing with the dolls house. She wouldnt share, she moved his hand away. You asked him to stop. Eventually his dad came and took him away. He must have seen that you were as keen to exclude the poor boy as your dd. Hmm

He spent the whole bb lonely, trying to join in with others, and his dad eventually having to remove him from one situation after the other, and with you just watching on thinking him weird. I personally think you are more weird and lacking in empathy.

Smirk? Resigned smile maybe? If you had spent a social occasion trying to interact, and being repeatedly told to literally bugger off, would you not felt resigned?

Poor boy, and poor dad.

Nerfmother · 25/08/2013 20:34

I don't really get what the boy did wrong? And why you are happy to moan about him and then his dad when his dad says he shouldn't be playing with dolls houses? Why the sad face? Like its ok he was removed but you can still judge the dad?
Tbh if I saw my ds clearly trying to play with something and your dd trying to stop him I might say something bland like that rather than ' come away, the little girl isn't up for sharing' as that might start a row!
The den thing is horrid. I feel really sorry for the poor boy. Sounds like the whole BBQ he was just being treated like a leper by the girls.

StanleyLambchop · 25/08/2013 20:35

I read to the end of your post, the whole time waiting for this evidence of disturbing behaviour. Instead it just seemed to be normal kids stuff! I could not get worked up about it, personally. Your DD and the other girls need to learn to share though, I would say 50/50 as bad as each other. I wonder if the boys parents are posting somewhere about a bunch of girls with disturbing behaviour?

Shyer · 25/08/2013 20:35

Honestly. Kid sounds bratty to me, but that's about it. Having said that, sometimes you do get the spidey sense about people, adult or infant, and I tend not to ignore it.

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 20:35

how much effort does it take to say "don't mind the boy with the car" "girls its not very nice to exclude people is there a way to include him?" and if not "well the girls are being silly is there something else you'd like to do? "

no adults in these incidents were providing sufficient supervision Sad

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 20:39

nerf mother I don't bother with the bland approach anymore. if the kids doing something wrong I want the parent to know

stillenacht · 25/08/2013 20:40

My DS would do all of that.

He is 10 (almost!).

He has severe autism.

This boy sounds exactly like my DS.

Original poster
MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 20:42

Are people actually reading my posts? The boy was being a kid. For the most part annoying, apart from the hitting which was not acceptable. My DD was BU in not sharing. I was asking if I was BU in being disturbed by his behaviour. Most think I was. Fair enough.
As to how I dealt with it, do please judge that too. I've already said I made an arse of it!
(And I do judge parents who think boys shouldn't play with girls toys. But that's another subject).

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 20:48

And as for the girls being mean - that wasn't the sense I got. It wasn't like he came up to them and they screamed at him. He just got right in their faces and wouldn't stop. They ended up screaming at him. It wasn't pleasant but most kids have a sense of personal space and don't like having it invaded. IME anyway.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 25/08/2013 20:50

I agree with you re the toy gender thing - gets my back up.

As to the other stuff, I honestly don't think he was being much more than a little boy who was being left to his own devices and generally ignored - so any attention was better than none Sad

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 20:51

but what was it that you thought was 'disturbing'? and disturbing how?

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 25/08/2013 20:51

I really think you should stop digging...

QuintessentialOldDear · 25/08/2013 20:52

(And I do judge parents who think boys shouldn't play with girls toys. But that's another subject).

But you did not want him to play with the dolls house? Hmm

I can totally see how a dolls house would make an excellent "track" to play with cars in.

LEMisdisappointed · 25/08/2013 20:52

i dont know OP, theres nothing written into the clauses of motherhood that you have to feel beguiled by every child that you see. Its the same with people - some people just give you the creeps, there is probably no reason for it, just a "feeling" and i guess it can be the same for children. I like kids but i will admit that there are sometimes those thati just can't take to!

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 20:56

god it reminds me of the horrendous time ds bite another child

mum was vile despite me removing ds (actually taking home) going up and explaining his sn and apologising pn his behalf

abiu my child was playing on a tractor when this boy came up and bit my son, I think there's something disturbing about this boy he just sat there oblivious to my son's distress. of course every one would say yanbu

but the lead up to that incident was that ds had got of the tractor to hook up a trailer and mum had taken the tractor and given it to her son. ds didn't have the language or social ability to ask for it back. I was already running to sort the situation out.

I doubt you could ever explain to mum that whilst ds was to blame for responding inappropriately, she was to blame for the incident.

thing is this unless you are closely watching the whole incident it is often impossible to know who started it.

Original poster
MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 20:58

Yes Quint, I was most upset because he was a boy trying to play with a doll's house.
Hmm right back at you.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/08/2013 21:00

Stillenacht Thanks

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/08/2013 21:00

Don't let it get to you

Nerfmother · 25/08/2013 21:00

Paper that's interesting. I tend to avoid anything vaguely critical as I am a coward polite.
Of course I don't allocate toys to gender, but I can imagine dh saying something like that just to get him away from the non sharing girl.
As for his response, not sure how he would be expected to be act when told off by a random parent? Told a load of in euro camp and got the blank looks.

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 21:01

whst needed to happen here was for adults to model good practice not wait for the situation get so out of hand then pick one kid for a trouble maker

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 21:05

I have told kids that have been hogging a toy to move away when ds has asked nicely. they do, for me that s about teaching ds that the right approach does.

if they're parent is there I will make a very pointed remark

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 21:06

the right approach does work stupid phone

MrsDeVere · 25/08/2013 21:08

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