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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To think there was something disturbing about this boy?

252 replies

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 19:28

Posting here so you can all give me a good slap and tell me not to be such an arse if I am BU.
DD, DP and I were at barbie at weekend with his two DD's. Lots of other parents with their DC. First I saw this boy is when DD was playing with a toy house. He kept running his car all over it. DD asked him to stop but he just ignored her and carried on. It wasn't her toy and I took the view that she should really share it as there was lots of kids there, but she wasn't having any of it.

I asked the boy, who was about 6 or 7, if he would play round the house instead of all over it but he just looked right through me. DD was getting really upset and trying to physically move his hand away but he was just carrying on. DD can be a bit funny about sharing so I didn't want to make a scene but had no clue what to do beyond taking the toy away. Fortunately at that point the boy's father came over and called him away, saying that he shouldn't be playing with doll's houses Hmm

Later DP's DD came over and told me about this rude boy who had pushed her off a swing and said "Are you blind"? when walking behind her. I asked what he looked like and she described someone similar to this boy but as there were others who fitted the description I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Next incident I witnessed was the boy trying to get under the table where some of the girls had made a den. He ignored their requests to go away until they were literally screaming at him, and still seemed unfazed. He seemed to have no concept of personal space and it appeared their distress left him completely unmoved. Again some parents had to intervene.

Final thing I witnessed was outside. He was trying to grab a bag of sweets from this girl who was carrying it. Again he ignored her telling him to leave her alone. He grabbed at the bag and she tried to push him away. He then hit her on the cheek. I shouted at him to stop. He just stood there with a faint smirk on his face. Completely unmoved. At that point his Dad came out and I told him what happened. The Dad was suprised and shocked. The boy only said, quite calmly "It wasn't on the face" Hmm The Dad then asked the girls what happened and they told him the same. At that point the Dad took the boy to his car to give him (I presume) a good talking to.

While they were there I asked the girl was ok. She was fine - I was more upset than her I think!

They got out of the car at the same time we were leaving, and DP's DD said "That's the boy that was horrible to us"

So what I want to know is, am I BU/small-minded/naive in being freaked out by his behaviour? I'm around kids a lot and nothing much fazes me. Quite a few kids I know have SEN or ASD traits and I never automatically assume a kid is being "naughty", esp if they're distressed. But the way this child just stood calmly in the midst of all the chaos he was creating was quite unnerving.

OP posts:
stiffstink · 25/08/2013 20:03

I interpreted your OP as referring to your partner's DDs, not yours as you say "his DDs" but then you talk about "mine".

I'm confused. If you aren't their DM, I don't know if it makes a difference to the situation with the boy, but I think it might for your handling of DD's behaviour.

Footface · 25/08/2013 20:05

Can Someone clarify what "minor red flag means" please

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 25/08/2013 20:05

Stiff I think OP has a child and her DP has a child too which is not the OPs.

stiffstink · 25/08/2013 20:07

Just read it very verrrry slowly and figured it out. I know there are a few DDs involved now!

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 20:08

At no point did I call the boy a "brat" or a "little shit". And I don't think I am an expert on SEN or ASD Hmm I just mean I'm used to seeing a wide variety of behaviours and I don't find them unnerving. Having read this I do think I over-reacted.

Spotty if you're after a bunfight you'll have to go elsewhere, sorry.

I shouldn't really post on AIBU with an attitude like that should I

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 25/08/2013 20:09

"It wasn't her toy and I took the view that she should really share it as there was lots of kids there, but she wasn't having any of it"

So what did you do when she wouldn't share? Does she always get to dictate in this way?

Spottypurse · 25/08/2013 20:10

I am not looking for a bunfight. You posted in AIBU and you are. Your DD's behaviour was out of order and instead of sorting her out and making her share and play nice, you've posted that the boy who was left out and not allowed a turn was "disturbing". Confused

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 20:11

I took DD outside to talk to her re the sharing. I always have to remove her or she just doesn't listen properly. I just didn't do it soon enough.

OP posts:
RussianBlu · 25/08/2013 20:12

I don't think the boys behaviour was acceptable. If it is the case that he has no SEN then at 6 or 7 he shouldn't really be behaving like that. I would be very embarrassed if my children did any of those things. Children I have seen who do things like that are often the ones whose parents turn a blind eye or think its ok to behave like that. Someone here said her 7 year old would take a toy from a baby. I would cringe if my child did that. I don't think that is ok at all.

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 20:13

I still don't know what you mean by disturbing OP- do you mean something other than SN or aspergers?

SirChenjin · 25/08/2013 20:15

I'm confused - you said that "DD was getting really upset and trying to physically move his hand away but he was just carrying on. DD can be a bit funny about sharing so I didn't want to make a scene but had no clue what to do beyond taking the toy away"

Physically move - as in, she pushed him? And did you take the toy away from him too, given that she didn't share? So effectively punishing for something that he didn't do?

Confused
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 25/08/2013 20:16

Russian yes and her 7 year old has SEN. Also...some 6 qand 7 year olds are not as socially skilled as others...SEN or not...and being excluded right left and centre will make them act up.

pigletmania · 25/08/2013 20:16

Yabvu op disturbing i dont think so. Annoying and irrurating yes, you have led a very sheltered life!

ExcuseTypos · 25/08/2013 20:16

"I took DD outside to talk to her re the sharing. I always have to remove her or she just doesn't listen properly. I just didn't do it soon enough."

So your dd doesn't listen to people unless she's removed from the area and she didn't share BUT you think this boy is strange for behaving in a similar way. Confused

HeySoulSister · 25/08/2013 20:16

with an attitude like what op?

your dd was a disgrace btw

loopyluna · 25/08/2013 20:17

AIBU -at a social gathering this weekend, DS, 6, was trying to play with a little girl but her mum intervened as the girl refused to share a toy and was getting quite cross with my DS who was just being friendly. Then the mum took the toy DS was playing with away and I felt I had to intervene and took DS away.
Later another little girl refused to give DS a turn on the swing, a group of girls screamed at him when he tried to join their den and finally a girl snatched sweets away from him.
He is only 6 ffs and went home sad and confused at all the mean behaviour.
AIBU to find these girls' behaviour disturbing or are all little girls selfish little wotsits?

Poor kid!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/08/2013 20:17

RussianBlu.

I do cringe. And haul. Dd away and say sorry to the parents.DD can't as she can't speak as she has severe autism.

But nice to know you merrily judge her behaviour.

RussianBlu · 25/08/2013 20:18

Also, if a child is quietly playing with a toy house and another child comes along and starts driving a car all over it, thus making it very difficult for the first child to use it, he needs to be moved away and offered a different choice of activity if he can't use the toy in a way that other children can join in.

I am not surprised your daughter didn't want to share it with him if it stopped her from using it herself.

Would she have been more open to sharing if other children wanted to join in a similar play theme with her?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/08/2013 20:19

Wish I had been quicker to hide thread so I didn't read pish like that

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 20:20

I have ds with asd. some of the scrapes he got into were bad.

what was worse was the parents that could never believe there child was at fault.

  1. teach your child to share a toy that isn't hers
  2. teach your child to be inclusive. never ever should they shout in another child's face. of you had a problem with his behaviour with regard to personal space speak to their parent don't sit there and make judgements.
  3. the hitting was dealt with appropriately. believe me lots of children hit even the ones who are convinced their child never was.
RussianBlu · 25/08/2013 20:20

I am not judging your daughters behaviour, I was not aware that she had a form of autism. That changes things entirely. I have not read word for word every post in this topic as there are rather a lot. I did state originally that assuming the child didn't have SEN then I felt his behaviour was unacceptable.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/08/2013 20:22

Why else would a 7 year old go up to a baby and snatch its toy.

Anyway its not about my DD.
And now I am off to bed

YouTheCat · 25/08/2013 20:24

Me too Fanjo.

Some little girls can be bloody nasty to other children. I can't even count the times kids at school are upset because so and so won't let them play with something or join in with a game. Shame on the parents who let them get away with it.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 25/08/2013 20:27

And OP you are BU! Bow out now. The majority here have told you that yes...YABU!

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 20:29

Seems to me the OP admits her dd can be naughty, accepts that others can be naughty but has focussed on this boy as being disturbing.
Like he has a severe personality disorder. Narcisism seems to fit the bill imo
total inability to relate to others and total inability to empathise with others.
If that is what the OP has detected, I can see how that would be disturbing. It's not nice

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