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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this was the worst children's party EVER?

999 replies

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 24/08/2013 16:15

This may be very long as I have a habit of rambling.

DD came home from school with an invitation last week for her classmate's (let's call her Annie) 6th birthday party. So off we trotted to the soft play today at 1pm.

The lady at the desk said it would be £4.50 to get in. I was a bit embarrassed and said I hadn't realised I would need to pay. The lady explained that Annie's mum had invited 20 children but only paid for 10. And had instructed staff to let the first ten in for free (first come first served) and then charge the rest.

I asked if dd would be included in the party games/food, and the lady said that I could pay for dd to have a meal and she could eat it with the paid children and wouldn't know the difference. And that there was no charge to join in the party games.

DD was getting a bit anxious/upset, so i paid her entry fee, prepaid her dinner and took her in.

Annie's mum never mentioned a thing. She just greeted us, told me where the cafe was and sent dd off to play. And I was too embarrassed to ask about the cost.

I didn't want to leave dd, so I just sat myself down on a wee bench next to the play area. After an hour, the children were called down from the soft play to go next door into the party room for games and food.

Again, Annie's mum didn't say anything re the people who hadn't paid. She just disappeared into the room with Annie before everyone had finished gathering at the door.

The 'paid' children all went inside, showing the lady at the door their little wrist bands. My dd's band was yellow (all the paid children's were red). I asked if it was okay for me to take dd in. The woman said that dd wasn't paid for. I explained that i'd spoken to a woman at the front desk and had paid for her dinner etc. The lady at the door told me to wait a minute, went away (presumably to the front desk), came back 5 minutes later and said me and dd could go in.

The other 'paying' parents (I could only count around 4 of them) said they weren't paying anything else and were just going to stay in the soft play.

So me and dd went into the party room. The children were already half way through a game of pass the parcel. Me and dd waited at the side for it to finish.

There was one more game (musical chairs) which dd got up to join in with. But the staff member (another different lady) said that she wasn't expecting another child and that she'd have to go next door for another chair. She left the room and i felt mortified. I felt like everyone was thinking I'd just sneaked into the room or something. The lady came back, along with the staff member from outside the door. Both gave me a big smile and then invited dd to sit down.

After that game, it was party food time.

Members of staff started bringing in buffet style food for the long table at the back of the room. I had paid for dd to have some chicken nugget meal bag, as I had assumed that was what the other children were having (because the lady at the desk had said that dd wouldn't notice the difference). I felt like a right numpty. All the other children went off to line up for the buffet. I told dd to stay beside me. She started whining so I went and asked the staff member when dd's meal would be brought in. She didn't know what I was on about so I explained. She said she wasn't sure if dd's meal would be allowed to be brought into the party room and she'd go and check.

Anyway, me and dd were sat there in a wee corner for about 15 minutes. No one said anything to us. A few people looked over and smiled. Again, I felt totally mortified. I tried to catch Annie's mum's eye, but she was forever talking to people. So i just said very loudly to a whining dd that her dinner will be brought in soon, hoping someone might say something to me (or perhaps invite dd to come and get a sandwich or something) but no one did.

By the time they were all getting jelly and ice cream, dd's chicken nuggets and chips arrived. So that preoccupied her from the fact she wasn't getting ice cream.

After eating, they all went out to the soft play again for ten minutes. Then it was time to go. The other children were all leaving with party bags. I tried to distract dd but she said very loudly (Annie's mum was standing next to us), "Can i have one too?"

Annie's mum was clearly ignoring her seemed not to hear her, so dd tapped her on the arm and said, "Excuse me, can I have one, too?"

I apologised and asked dd not to be rude, and to say thank you for the invitation etc. DD was getting upset and asked me "But whyyyyyy can't I have one?"

So Annie's Mum knelt down to her and said with a big smile, "See your lovely little bangle? It's yellow. Only the boys and girls with red ones get a party bag. Buuut, do you know what children with yellow bangles get? Something even better. They get a piece of cake. Isn't that wonderful?"

I was pretty much like Shock but dd thought that it was indeed wonderful. Annie's mum promised her a bit of cake 'in a wee minute'. So again, me and dd were standing there like numpties while Annie's mum continued dishing out bags to the other children and chatting to their parents. I kept saying to dd "Let's just go and I'll buy you a treat from the cake shop', but she was adamant she wanted a piece of Annie's birthday cake.

So we found a wee table and sat there. Once everyone had gone, Annie's mum disappeared into the party room again. Ten minutes later, she came out with all of Annie's presents etc, coat on clearly ready to go home. I smiled at her in a 'did you forget about us?' kind of way. She seemed surprised to see us. Apologised and said that the cake was all boxed up now but that she'd make sure Annie brought some in on Monday to school for dd.

DD was not pleased.

So... AIBU to think this was the worst party ever? I realise I should have left much earlier than I did, but dd had spent the whole morning getting ready, making Annie's card, wrapping her gift, drawing Annie a picture, talking about the party, that she would have been heartbroken if i brought her home early.

I just feel so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Fillyjonk75 · 25/08/2013 13:22

It reminds me of the bridezilla save the date notices, then not being actually invited.

cushtie335 · 25/08/2013 13:25

Annie won't have a clue what any of this means. She probably had a fantastic time at her own party, the horror experienced by the OP's DD will mean nothing to her. The other parents who were complicit in their "red bandedness" will probably just be thinking "phew, glad I made the cut" and the poor unfortunate remaining yellow banders probably just want to forget the whole thing.

A woman with as much neck as Annie's Mum will not be remotely bothered by cake being brought in. It won't make her "think" or reconsider her appalling behaviour.

As much as I've enjoyed this thread I don't see that there's anything the OP can do that will make any of it "better" for either her or her OP.

The best thing would be if she got chatting to the other yellow banders and established some friendships through it whilst writing off Annie's Mum as a nasty bitch not worth her time or energy.

Fillyjonk75 · 25/08/2013 13:26

Or of course, you could start off slightly more beligerently and directly "Hope Annie was ok after the party mix up on Saturday!"

I wouldn't bother with cake for all personally, bit OTT for me.

cushtie335 · 25/08/2013 13:30

meant her or her DD

whitesugar · 25/08/2013 14:09

If I was you I wouldn't bring in cakes which I think you are doing to make a point. Annie could be hurt and ridiculed by the other children for something her mother did. That is not nice behaviour.

Thumbwitch · 25/08/2013 14:18

Good grief. What an awful situation.

I can just sort of see that Annie's mother might have thought only half the invitees would turn up, and so she only paid for 10; but if she had done that then she should have accepted that she could be paying for any extras who turned up AND having extra party bags available on standby.

What really stands out to show her up for the mean bitch she is, is that she not only DIDN'T do that, but she actually took the trouble to point out to the OP's DD that she was "different" and somehow lesser, for having a yellow wristband, showing that she wasn't paid for by the party mum. THAT is disgusting.

I think your DD wanting to take cakes in for the whole class is a lovely idea and feel so bad for her that she was put through this whole experience. :(

Notafoodbabyanymore · 25/08/2013 14:19

Bollocks.

OP, if your lovely DD wants to take in cake for the whole class, why shouldn't she? What a sweetheart.

Just tell the class that she was making cakes to bring in and didn't want anyone to miss out, so there's some for everyone.

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 25/08/2013 14:25

Yep, you're right. Very OTT. Blush Think I just got caught up in the moment while reading the replies. they filled me with fake courage. Smile I'll just keep them for me and dd yipee We've still got half a choclate sponge left too. Annie's mum is going to make me put on several stone by the end of this week.

I'm really interested to see whether or not her mum will bring in that slice of cake though. IMO, if she does, I'd be happy to forgive and forget. She genuinely may not have noticed how awkward I and the other 'yellow band' mums were feeling. She seemed to be constantly on the go and distracted. Forgetting the cake at the end just proved how stressed she was.

I think instead I'll say hello to the other mums and just say something like, "Hi, I saw you at Annie's party on Saturday. I'm Ewe, nice to meet you" small talk small talk. Then hopefully try and get their take on what happened without it turning into a bitch fest.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 25/08/2013 14:36

It is going to turn into a bitch fest though because Annie's mum is a bitch.

Take the cakes in - you don't need to make any link with the party, just say you and DD made them and had lots so some came to school.

AndHarry · 25/08/2013 14:38

Aw no, let your DD take in the cakes she made for her friends.

EvaBeaversProtege · 25/08/2013 14:41

That's awful.

Your poor dd.

Please send the mum a message, she'll keep treating people like this. :(

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/08/2013 14:52

There is no amount of stressed and busy that excuses party apartheid, though, is there, Ewe? Please doesn't let her get away with treating 5 and 6 year olds this way.

Yes, confronting her would be difficult, but you could send her a text - not passive-aggressive, but clear and direct -

"Inviting 20 children, then only paying for the first 10 was rude and stingy. Treating the other children differently to the first 10 by ecxluding them from the party room, the games, the meal and the party bags was cruel and nasty. Apartheid and discrimination are never acceptable.

If you can only afford to pay for 10 children, then you only invite 10 children. You don't invite 20, only pay for 10 (and what would have happened if one of the parents hadn't brought any money with them - imagine that child's distress), and then go on to treat the children out with the first 10 as second class citizens. Imagine your child being treated that way, and try to grow a conscience."

DeckSwabber · 25/08/2013 14:53

I think the red-band people thought that the yellow-banders were gatecrashing - after all, they would have been ushered in without being told that they had got there 'in time'.

OP - do you know any of the red-banders well enough to 'let slip' what happened? I bet they would be horrified.

Oldraver · 25/08/2013 14:55

OP I think you have got to wear a yellow band from now on Grin

whitesugar · 25/08/2013 15:01

You sound like a loving mother who was genuinely upset because her daughter was treated so badly at the party and I agree with you entirely. Don't lower yourself to get involved with scoring points over what happened. By all means discuss it if it comes up but remain dignified. You could make some nice friends with other mums following this experience but don't make it all about the party.

I found some groups of mothers at primary school gates to be extremely competitive and bitchy. They love nothing better than gossiping about other parents and children. The groups are usually headed by one or two queen bees who wreck havoc. This is the experience that myself and a lot of my friends and my sisters had and I recommend you be wary. You will never change the behaviour of people like Annie's mum.

My DC's are teenagers now and parents don't need to get involved in arrangements. If they have to they drop DCs off and wave. We communicate because of the children and they are perfectly nice. We are not best friends and have no intention of becoming friends. I have a couple who I really like but steer clear of the crowd.

Blueberryveryberry · 25/08/2013 15:04

YANBU. I do not know what to say.

KatieScarlett2833 · 25/08/2013 15:10

OMG. I live very near the bridge in question and at no point in almost 18 years of birthday parties have I ever heard of anything so breathtakingly rude.
In fact, one year at DS party, one of the kids turned up so late the party was over. Because I couldn't bear the disappointment on his little face, I told him he was DS special friend and instead of this party for everyone he was invited to come with us for a trip to Pizza Hut, DVDs of choice from blockbusters and to sleep over. His mum was very, very grateful and DS to this day has no idea about her mistake

whitesugar · 25/08/2013 15:14

oh Katie, that's gorgeous. Tragic person that I am that brought tears to my eyes.

KatieScarlett2833 · 25/08/2013 15:23

He's 16 now and still a great friend off DS Grin

AntoinetteCosway · 25/08/2013 15:34

If Annie's mum does bring in cake and your DD asks Annie about the seagulls this could get a bit nasty. She tells her mum, her mum asks you why you said that, you're forced to say you didn't think she was going to bring in the cake... I'd phone the mother today/tomorrow so she's aware beforehand-also a good point to make your disbelief about the whole situation clear!

MissStrawberry · 25/08/2013 15:40

Wow Katie. That has made me weep Blush.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 25/08/2013 15:47

Slight tangent here but at my DD's one and only party with school friends (she was the birthday girl) the soft play people imposed their own apartheid on the guests, which I was oblivious to initially. They measured all guests and applied wrist bands appropriate to their height - so the taller ones could go into the big kids section, the rest were restricted to the smaller (not baby) section. I had assumed they'd band all party kids into the one area, and only realised when a few of the smaller ones were stood at the gate to the big kids section with sad, forlorn looks on their faces. I had no chance of rounding up the bigger kids to persuade them to stick to the one area. It was a bit of a nightmare. Managed to placate the sad faces suggesting they all stick together - the thought hadn't occurred to them but they ran about like loons for the rest of the party.

Doesn't really compare to Annie's mum's apartheid though. Blush

loopyluna · 25/08/2013 16:00

Also no comparable to Annie's horror party, but my DS had a horrid experience when his friend had his 11th birthday party at a high ropes centre. DS was too small to do the same course as the other invitees so was left on the low course with the birthday boy's 8 year old sister! Even the 9 year old sister got to go on the high course.

FrigginRexManningDay · 25/08/2013 16:03

I know you want to see the best in the other mum Ewe but if she genuinely made a mistake she would've explained to the other party goers parents,not made your dd feel the odd one out and made sure she got cake. She didn't. Therefore she's a cunt.

sweetiepie1979 · 25/08/2013 16:05

Horrendous I'd have lost it at Annie's mum I
So angry for you. Fucking people are so insensItive and rude honestly. The whole different colour band things is like something out of 'Anne frank'. It's terrible mother nonsence!