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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this was the worst children's party EVER?

999 replies

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 24/08/2013 16:15

This may be very long as I have a habit of rambling.

DD came home from school with an invitation last week for her classmate's (let's call her Annie) 6th birthday party. So off we trotted to the soft play today at 1pm.

The lady at the desk said it would be £4.50 to get in. I was a bit embarrassed and said I hadn't realised I would need to pay. The lady explained that Annie's mum had invited 20 children but only paid for 10. And had instructed staff to let the first ten in for free (first come first served) and then charge the rest.

I asked if dd would be included in the party games/food, and the lady said that I could pay for dd to have a meal and she could eat it with the paid children and wouldn't know the difference. And that there was no charge to join in the party games.

DD was getting a bit anxious/upset, so i paid her entry fee, prepaid her dinner and took her in.

Annie's mum never mentioned a thing. She just greeted us, told me where the cafe was and sent dd off to play. And I was too embarrassed to ask about the cost.

I didn't want to leave dd, so I just sat myself down on a wee bench next to the play area. After an hour, the children were called down from the soft play to go next door into the party room for games and food.

Again, Annie's mum didn't say anything re the people who hadn't paid. She just disappeared into the room with Annie before everyone had finished gathering at the door.

The 'paid' children all went inside, showing the lady at the door their little wrist bands. My dd's band was yellow (all the paid children's were red). I asked if it was okay for me to take dd in. The woman said that dd wasn't paid for. I explained that i'd spoken to a woman at the front desk and had paid for her dinner etc. The lady at the door told me to wait a minute, went away (presumably to the front desk), came back 5 minutes later and said me and dd could go in.

The other 'paying' parents (I could only count around 4 of them) said they weren't paying anything else and were just going to stay in the soft play.

So me and dd went into the party room. The children were already half way through a game of pass the parcel. Me and dd waited at the side for it to finish.

There was one more game (musical chairs) which dd got up to join in with. But the staff member (another different lady) said that she wasn't expecting another child and that she'd have to go next door for another chair. She left the room and i felt mortified. I felt like everyone was thinking I'd just sneaked into the room or something. The lady came back, along with the staff member from outside the door. Both gave me a big smile and then invited dd to sit down.

After that game, it was party food time.

Members of staff started bringing in buffet style food for the long table at the back of the room. I had paid for dd to have some chicken nugget meal bag, as I had assumed that was what the other children were having (because the lady at the desk had said that dd wouldn't notice the difference). I felt like a right numpty. All the other children went off to line up for the buffet. I told dd to stay beside me. She started whining so I went and asked the staff member when dd's meal would be brought in. She didn't know what I was on about so I explained. She said she wasn't sure if dd's meal would be allowed to be brought into the party room and she'd go and check.

Anyway, me and dd were sat there in a wee corner for about 15 minutes. No one said anything to us. A few people looked over and smiled. Again, I felt totally mortified. I tried to catch Annie's mum's eye, but she was forever talking to people. So i just said very loudly to a whining dd that her dinner will be brought in soon, hoping someone might say something to me (or perhaps invite dd to come and get a sandwich or something) but no one did.

By the time they were all getting jelly and ice cream, dd's chicken nuggets and chips arrived. So that preoccupied her from the fact she wasn't getting ice cream.

After eating, they all went out to the soft play again for ten minutes. Then it was time to go. The other children were all leaving with party bags. I tried to distract dd but she said very loudly (Annie's mum was standing next to us), "Can i have one too?"

Annie's mum was clearly ignoring her seemed not to hear her, so dd tapped her on the arm and said, "Excuse me, can I have one, too?"

I apologised and asked dd not to be rude, and to say thank you for the invitation etc. DD was getting upset and asked me "But whyyyyyy can't I have one?"

So Annie's Mum knelt down to her and said with a big smile, "See your lovely little bangle? It's yellow. Only the boys and girls with red ones get a party bag. Buuut, do you know what children with yellow bangles get? Something even better. They get a piece of cake. Isn't that wonderful?"

I was pretty much like Shock but dd thought that it was indeed wonderful. Annie's mum promised her a bit of cake 'in a wee minute'. So again, me and dd were standing there like numpties while Annie's mum continued dishing out bags to the other children and chatting to their parents. I kept saying to dd "Let's just go and I'll buy you a treat from the cake shop', but she was adamant she wanted a piece of Annie's birthday cake.

So we found a wee table and sat there. Once everyone had gone, Annie's mum disappeared into the party room again. Ten minutes later, she came out with all of Annie's presents etc, coat on clearly ready to go home. I smiled at her in a 'did you forget about us?' kind of way. She seemed surprised to see us. Apologised and said that the cake was all boxed up now but that she'd make sure Annie brought some in on Monday to school for dd.

DD was not pleased.

So... AIBU to think this was the worst party ever? I realise I should have left much earlier than I did, but dd had spent the whole morning getting ready, making Annie's card, wrapping her gift, drawing Annie a picture, talking about the party, that she would have been heartbroken if i brought her home early.

I just feel so embarrassed.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 25/08/2013 16:21

This whole incident just reinforces my strongly held belief that Nothing Good can come from soft play.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/08/2013 16:35

I don't think Annie's mum was scatty or caught up in the moment. I think she has a weird idea of what constitutes an invitation. Presumably had no qualms accepting present and card. If your DD fancies taking in cake for all it's a sweet idea. I'm afraid any subtle nudge to Annie's mum would be water off a duck's back.

EBearhug · 25/08/2013 16:40

Wow. It reminds me of the Jane Elliot Blue Eye/Brown Eye experiment.

I think if I were the OP, I'd be writing a thank you note for the invitation, in which I'd point out just how pissed off I was at how my daughter had been made to feel, and that if she was going to allow such segregation and expect payment for party invitees, that it would be helpful to know in future, to ensure that I had sufficient funds with me, because of course I realise times are hard, and children's parties are jolly expensive, so I don't mind helping out the poor and needy...

Actually, I wouldn't, because that would be excessively bitchy, and two wrongs don't make a right. But I probably would want to let her know how her treatment made my daughter feel, even if I didn't mention that I wondered if she was clearly making unethical experiments about racism. It's not clear to me that Annie's mum is aware that the OP's daughter has HFA - obviously her behaviour was out of order regardless of that, but I would want to impress on her that it could have even more effect on someone like the OP's daughter, who has been asking why Annie's mum lied about the cake.

I probably would put it in a note rather than saying it face to face, because it would give me the chance to reword it before sending it, to make sure I wasn't being too PA or patronising or anything, because I know that in such situations, my initial reaction tends to be rather more emotional and tearful than I might like, and I might say things that wouldn't result in the outcomes I want - which in this case would be for Annie's mum to feel utterly ashamed of herself and issue a massive apology and learn from it and never behave like that ever again, which I realise is unlikely to happen, but even getting part way there would be some improvement. But I suppose she might be the sort of person who thinks people are being utterly unreasonable to think her behaviour is at all out of line, and they should be the ones who are grateful they were allowed to be invited at all.

butterflyexperience · 25/08/2013 16:46

Def the worst party!!
Awful behaviour in the mums part.

You should have asked for the gift back!!!

Sparklymommy · 25/08/2013 17:08

Horrific! You've got to feel sorry for poor little Annie with a mother like that!

In June we had my dds 4 th birthday at a play centre. She invited I think 17 kids and on the day a few siblings showed up too. I not only included the siblings in party games and food I even made up extra party bags for them!

Annie's mum needs a lesson in party etiquette and you should certainly say something.

frogspoon · 25/08/2013 17:12

Wow.

That is absolutely awful.

I feel really sorry for all the kids involved (Annie, your dd, other 'paying' children).

Have you spoken to any of the other mums, either paying or non-paying?

Maybe the paying mums knew something you didn't? e.g. they received a text saying "come at 1:30"

Cerisier · 25/08/2013 17:14

Speechless. Yup worst party ever. By miles. I hope you get to the bottom of what happened through talking to the other mums next week.

RiffyWammal · 25/08/2013 17:29

ShockHmmConfusedAngry

pigletmania · 25/08/2013 17:42

Stopmaking excuses for her op, what she did was shoddy and unacceptable! Fair enough if yiu cannot affird it, only invite 10 and thats it. Dont invite another 10, make them pay and nit privide them with party bags; as the first class group recieve theirs and not even give them.a little cake, come on! No excuse!

daisychain01 · 25/08/2013 17:46

It was a "Kiddie apartheid" differentiating children into statuses "you're invited so you can have a special red wristband, but you over there, you are on the outside, so you only get a yellow one". I felt my blood-pressure rising as I was reading Angry

This thread, plus TidyDancer's Bridezilla thread proves there are people who just "don't get it" as regards how to behave with people, what is acceptable and what is totally buttock-clenchingly appauling behaviour.

Ewe Whilst it is tempting to engage with Annie's Mumzilla, There is a high likelihood she will be so thick-skinned and unaware, that you'll be digging yourself into an (undeserved) big hole and she might run rings around you, especially if she is hard-nosed and thick-skinned ( a vile combination). Also, given your feedback in previous posts that you have serious misgivings about the prospect of getting into confrontation, you may be better to let sleeping dogs lie at the moment. You may well find there will be others who were slighted, the other Yellow wristband-ers' mums who might be more inclinded to take a lead on speaking their mind.

Sometimes saying nothing, i.e. when the risk outweighs the benefit to you personally, is a better option.

forehead · 25/08/2013 17:51

Op, that deffo is the worst party ever.
My dsis went took her dd to a party last week. The party started at 1pm and finished at 5pm. my dsis arrived at the party at 1:15.
The birthday girl and her family arrived at 4pm.
To make it worse, the children were not allowed to eat anything until the birthday girl arrived and the children's entertainer refused to provide any entertainment.
My dsis was so pissed off, she decided not to give the present to the birthday child.
BTW, the child's other did not apologize for turning up late to her own child's party

Lweji · 25/08/2013 17:55

Forehead, I'm surprised there were still children at the party when the party girl arrived.

LizzieJones · 25/08/2013 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forehead · 25/08/2013 18:01

Lwejji. My sister said that most people stayed.

Justforlaughs · 25/08/2013 18:07

I remember arranging a swimming pool party for my DS1, quite a few years ago, and as another child shared his birthday and her family had no money we decided to hold a joint party (which DH and I paid for). Children had to be accompanied in the pool by an adult on a ratio of 2 children to every 1 adult.

We worked out how many adults we could muster (my siblings, their partners, my aunts/ uncles/ cousins etc) and from there how many children we could invite. The 2 children (DS and DSf) made a list of who they wanted, anyone who appeared on both lists got an invite and then they each chose another 5(? not quite sure how many - it was ages ago) children from their individual lists. Amounted to about 30 children in total.

Party Day arrived and we turned up at the pool to find that DSfs Mum had invited invitees siblings as well as previously agreed children and pandemonium reigned! Parents were running home for swimming costumes because the ratios were all wrong and children who were officially invited were being turned away by the sports centre because the other children were already in the pool Sad Blush It was awful. We didn't have enough food (individual lunch boxes that I had made up)/ party bags to go round. That was the last joint party I ever organised! Grin Be warned! Wink

Probably not as bad as OPs experience, but I still felt mean that some children may have felt second rate as they had to wait to get into the pool, some children had "cobbled together" lunch boxes and some children got a mish mash of a party bag. It really wasn't deliberate in my defence Blush

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 18:08

Yuck, what an atrocious way to treat people.

I'm actually glad you DD didn't get any of the smelly seagull cake, it was probably awful if Annies tight arse of a mother bought it.

XBenedict · 25/08/2013 18:11

Yep OP that is awful and I can't beat it, I can't even come close Shock

Lweji · 25/08/2013 18:14

Just, I'm sure people realised that you did your best and everyone tried to make the best of it.

To feel left out purposefully must be the worst ever.

blueemerald · 25/08/2013 18:14

OP, you are being too soft and, dare I say it, a bit of a push over.
AnnieMum didn't forget the cake, she deliberately lied to your child and left you to deal with any potential fallout. There is not a snowball's chance in hell of any cake materialising on Monday.

You must show your daughter that treating people like this and being treated like this is unacceptable and she does not have to put up with it.

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 18:14

Ah, but that was a genuine mix of of things Justforlaughs. You still tried to make sure everyone got the same.

I can't imagine leaving a single child without some buffet food or a party bag. I would rather no one got one tbh.

ShakeAndVac · 25/08/2013 18:18

Not read all the pages sorry, as there's 25, but seriously, I literally read the OP with a face like this Shock Shock
Seriously, this can't be real. Can it?
If so you are seriously patient, and Annie's mum is - well - there's just no words!
I have 2 small kids, and so have done plenty of soft play parties over the years.
If you only want 10 at the party, then you only invite 10. It's not bloody rocket science!
If you invite 20, then you PAY for 20.
To invite someone along and then effectively slam the door in their faces is appalling!

Quackster · 25/08/2013 18:18

My DW just told me about this thread.

Before I explode, can I just say, in the upmost respect. You are not unreasonable. Ever. On any planet. In any universe. In any point of time. Ever.

I hope to fucking god that Annie's mums ( henceforth known as DickFace ) ears are melting off her melon shaped head right now. I hope they are burning so red they are crumbling to dust. I wish to fucking god, that she had the tact strategy to inform parents that entire affair was a race. How cheap can you be, yet so egotistical to run such a party.

Did you notice any Tory banners OP? A 'class based' birthday party. Amazing. Why invite 20 children knowing full well that half that group would have a second class time? What would DickFace have done if the invited child with the Doctor parents arrived in 12th place? Ye gods! Not the Thompsons! A back alley transaction of coloured wrists bands to make sure the right people got the perks.

I am baffled. Completely confused at DickFace only buying 10 places. There must have been a stellar GroupOn offer. Has to be it. Lets see how cheap we can run a successfully populated birthday party ( to brag to the Thompsons ) on as little money as possible. "...AND SHIT ALL OVER 10 INNOCENT SOULS IN THE PROCESS. TARDY BASTARDS"

Regarding the Lady At the Desk. Has she ever left that fucking desk? Does she not know how the parties work in the party room? Surely she would have known about the buffet. Surely she would have known about the foreign chicken nuggets policy. SURELY she would have known that in order to get into the coveted party room you need a red band. Maybe she has a yellow band, and has had lofty dreams of one day seeing the exquisite party room with its Sistine Chapel ceiling. Bullshit, utter bullshit staff non-policy. They must have opened last week with Lottery funding.

Embarrassed OP? No sane parent would have put children and their parents ( least of all, Annie's friends ) through such bullshit. How the hell did DickFace think, "The children would understand, for the sake of the numbers" Disgusting.

I am so sorry you had to go through an afternoon of that, even worse, your DD. Some people don't have two braincells to rub together, but this is a whole new level when it comes to children.

Don't even get me started on her kneeling down with the promise of cake. NO ONE LIES ABOUT CAKE. Especially to a child! Whole.New.Fucking.Low.

I hope the Seagulls enjoy that cake and shit it all over DickFace's cheap dicky car.

MikeLitoris · 25/08/2013 18:21

quackster are you ok? Have you calmed down yet? Grin

readysteady · 25/08/2013 18:21

I would phone the soft play centre today just to get an idea of what happened/policy before confronting this mum tomorrow. I would have been very cross!

cantsleep · 25/08/2013 18:21

YANBU that is by far the worst party ever.

I agree that there is not much chance of any cake on monday as Annie's mum sounds like a piece of work, but, if some cake is offered by her you will have to make the hard decision of where you shove it.