AIBU to be fed up of my boyfriend going on about his weight?

[YouareNOTfat]

My boyfriend is 30, he's around 2+ stone overweight but tall and big built so carries it quite well. I couldn't care less about his weight with regards to his appearance as I like him just the way he is, but obviously want him to be healthy.

We've been together 4 years and he's always been a bit overweight but has probably put on about a stone in the time we've been together. But in all that time he's always complaining about his weight but never does anything about it. He's now convinced himself that he's going to have a heart attack.

He makes out that it's my fault that he's overweight. I am not overweight but I do like to have a takeaway and eat out at the weekend but I know my limits on portion size whereas he will eat until he feels sick. He stays over at mine 3-5 nights a week and I feel under pressure to make him a healthy tea or it's my fault he's not losing weight.

I don't think that it's my fault as I don't think he understands about long term healthy eating, he thinks if he has a roast dinner he can stuff himself silly as it's homemade, he was eating big portions before we even met and would take 2-3 bars of chocolate to work each day before I encouraged him to take fruit and nuts as snacks. Or he thinks it's ok to have two cereal bars in place of one chocolate bar, even though the cereal bars have got as many calories and sugar if not more than a kitkat.

If I say I'd like to have a takeaway or go out for a meal he pulls a really guilty face as though it's the worst sin in the world and I'm a really bad influence.

I've tried to get him to come swimming, go for walks, I've even suggested jogging together but he doesn't like exercise. He says his job is physical enough or he's too tired to exercise.

Might sound harsh but I'm 28 and I don't want to be worrying about diets and weight, I find it all a bit of a bore and just want to take an everything in moderation approach.

It's not that I mean to be unsupportive it's just for example he's phoned me tonight and had a moan about how he's getting chest pains and he's going to have a heart attack. I'm sure that's a hint at me to get the tea on for tomorrow and Friday when he comes over, but then he tells me he's had a full English on his way to work this morning and been and got chip shop for his tea.

Have him read this.

If he's staying at your house that often, he should be cooking half the time. He can cook healthy foods then.

He won't cook in the week because he finishes work later than me so expects me to have it ready for when he comes over.

Youre not being harsh at all, OP. Your boyfriend is a 'blamer'. Rather than dealing with his own worries about his weight he is lazily projecting his issues directly onto you rather than actually getting up and doing something about it. Put bluntly - who'd want to listen to a moaner all the time anyway? You'll get fed up. I hope I dont sound harsh here - I previously lived with a 'blamer' for years & eventually everything he DIDNT bother to get up and do for himself became my fault. It took me leaving him to give him a wakeup call (& I didnt go back) & I hope for you, it doesnt come to that and your boyfriend sees sense. As a young couple part of enjoying life could be, the 2 of you working out together, taking an exercise class sometimes. He has to want to change tho.

I suppose I feel a bit like I'm responsible for his health.

If I want him to come over I have to cook a healthy tea and I have to give up my treats on the weekend. I don't drink or party anymore so having a takeaway a meal out or a bowl of haagen dazs is a treat for me.

I've even suggested sticking the Davina DVD on and having a laugh dancing around to that. I know it's not going to be his thing but he seems to think he's going to magically lose all the weight he wants to without doing any exercise.

I even did a diet about a year ago with him and I actually lost half a stone that I didn't really need to lose, I showed him My Fitness Pal and I was going swimming weekend mornings but he didn't want to do either, and the one time he did come swimming he just laughed at my poor swimming technique.

I know you are frustrated but I think you sound quite unsupportive. He is obviously concerned about it. A lot of what you say is very reasonable but then you say it is 'a bit of a bore'. It can be difficult to get going, if you think it is a bore it may not help.

Is he a good boyfriend aside from the food issue? Purely from the posts on this thread, I'd say get rid, he sounds like a pain and very demanding. Not cooking, 'expecting' food on the table, blaming you for everything and laughing at your swimming makes him sound a right charmer.

Appreciate he could be the best boyfriend in the world in other ways though!

And you cant make him do anything unless HE wants to unfortunately, it just ownt work!

He's got good and bad points. I do love him. And I'm not even bothered if he loses weight or not, I think he's fine the way he is but I get that he feels unhealthy.

I feel as though he wants me to act as mum for him, but I'm not cut out for that, I don't mind cooking as I have to eat myself anyway, but I end up feeling as though my choices are not quite up to scratch.

OP I actually think you are being very supportive; you've made suggestions, made an effort,all to no avail. Only a saint wouldn't eventually find that both a chore & a bore. You're not his mum, & he isn't a child. His not taking care of his health isn't your responsibility at all. There may possibly be underlying issues causing him to feel negative about how he looks.But whinging to/at you isn't going to help him, & the im having a heart attack is guilt-tripping self-pity in the extreme. I hope he opens up to you,& accepts your help and support. You're in this together as a couple. I hope he wises up and sees that.

I honestly thought I would never say this, but I think there are some good old fashioned double standards on this thread. If the post was from a woman whose partner was fed up with her because she is overweight, would the adverb 'lazily' ever be used? Would we say 'get rid'? Men have body issues too and can find weight.loss hard. He is getting it all wrong but let's not write him off.

He's not just fed up he's overweight, he's blaming OP for all his problems!

She sounds like she's jumped through all the hoops to help him yet he refuses to help himself, and lays the blame at her door.

That is really crap behavior in my opinion.

Oh I couldn't be doing with that!

Reading between the lines he wants you to do stuff for him...coddle him!

Is he refusing the takeaway and meal out because he doesn't want to pay?

In other words I would be assessing his personality traits if you are thinking of him as long term.

Is he kind, generous and thoughtful?

These are the qualities that you should be looking for in any long term partner, from what you say this guy might be lacking in a few areas!

bookforgoddaughter I'm not fed up with him because he's overweight, I love him the way he is and tell him often and also tell him he looks great, I never make him feel unnattractive as I don't find him unnattractive. I'm fed up with feeling as though it's my fault that he's unhappy because I'm not cooking the right food, or because I want to eat out or have a pudding.

I'm also fed up because every positive suggestion I make I get told I'm wrong or he can't do that.

No it's not about the money. But I would cook throughout the week then suggest he cook on a Friday or Saturday when there is more time, his suggestion to this was we order takeaway or eat out, and it just carried on from there and we got into the routine of doing that. Which I'm quite happy with.

Youarenot, it is clear from your posts that you love him and want the best for him. He would.undoubtedly be happier if he lost the weight. My point is that it is not always easy. Your post says 'eat until.he's sick', 'stuff himself silly', 'bit of a bore'. You just want to take everything.in 'moderation.' Not sure you are as supportive as you.imagine. I can't know. While I understand your upset, I still.think this thread (not your post) shows double standards over men and women who are overweight.

I don't see what difference it makes at all whether its a woman or a man acting in this way - completely ignoring perfectly reasonable suggestions from partner, choosing to make partner feel despondent, rather than discuss issues positively, is horribly negative. I don't believe Blamers have an absolute right to make others feel like shit due to what they're unprepared to at least try to do for themself - with help, at that.

Okay, I agree. All overweight people of whatever sex should stop whinging, stop being lazy, pull themselves together and lose the weight. If they can't, they should just shut up about it.

Bookforgoddaughter to me it's nothing to do with him being male. I hate all the diet talk at work too which is usually amongst the women.

I only feel frustrated because I can't wave a magic wand, I know it's not easy to make changes, and I know that he feels bad about his appearance. But it gets me down because I don't know what I can do other than like him the way he is.

What gets to me is that he makes out it's my fault because we had a meal out, but forgets that he worked away and drank 5 pints each night for 3 days, had pub meals and full english breakfasts everyday. And I'm not saying that he should or shouldn't do any of it but I'm not too sure what I can do. I've dieted with him before and ended up losing all the weight and feeing like a right old nag asking him to go walking with me.

Okay, I agree. All overweight people of whatever sex should stop whinging, stop being lazy, pull themselves together and lose the weight. If they can't, they should just shut up about it

I didn't say that, but I don't know what I can do. I've never been horrible to him. He complains but when I suggest thing he tells me I'm wrong and he'll do it his way. But he doesn't.

I get that it's easier said than done, but I don't think I want to be responsible for him in this way.

I think there are a few points here. Blaming you is clearly rubbish and wrong. However, I have read your post again and while you are clearly frustrated, I think some of your comments (see above) would.indicate you may not understand how hard some people find it.
On the male/female point, that is not directed towards you, OP, but to other posters. At the risk of being flamed, I think a reverse AIBU but making your partner female would throw up interesting results.

He sounds like very hard work and I'd be getting quite pissed off with him by now.

Have you actually told him how his 'blaming' is affecting you? That he gets to do/eat what he wants (five pints, Full English) but his peevishness is preventing you from getting to do/eat what you want?

I don't know bookfor, I sometimes feel that because I'm female I'm expected to cook for my boyfriend, because it's the done thing. I bet if roles were reversed and I wqs expecting my boyfriend to have my tea on the table I'd be called a right princess.

Also I'm not saying I want or expecting him to lose any weight.

Any suggestions on what I could do to help?

I admit I don't fully understand as I'm not in his mind, but I do get it. I've never said any of those things to him.

I have said that about when he works away and said why doesn't he limit to one beer and a meal but no starter or pudding. But he can't do that as his workmates are drinking so he has to too.

I've told him he makes it out to be my fault and he just says it's not my fault but that 'we' need to eat more healthily.

You are not expected to cook for him! And if you are, that is clearly him BU.
I have no amazing ideas. Maybe a serious chat to start. I think a good start would be to reiterate you love him as he is. Then make clear, rightly or wrongly, he is making you feel that he thinks you are responsible. He may not know he is doing this. Say you want to help, for him not for you because you are happy as he is.
Then you have to start slowly but perhaps say you want to do an hours walk a day. You know he is tired but fresh air etc etc but it would be good for both of you.
I know you have done lots of this before but worth trying again as you clearly live him.