AIBU to be fed up of my boyfriend going on about his weight?

[YouareNOTfat]

My boyfriend is 30, he's around 2+ stone overweight but tall and big built so carries it quite well. I couldn't care less about his weight with regards to his appearance as I like him just the way he is, but obviously want him to be healthy.

We've been together 4 years and he's always been a bit overweight but has probably put on about a stone in the time we've been together. But in all that time he's always complaining about his weight but never does anything about it. He's now convinced himself that he's going to have a heart attack.

He makes out that it's my fault that he's overweight. I am not overweight but I do like to have a takeaway and eat out at the weekend but I know my limits on portion size whereas he will eat until he feels sick. He stays over at mine 3-5 nights a week and I feel under pressure to make him a healthy tea or it's my fault he's not losing weight.

I don't think that it's my fault as I don't think he understands about long term healthy eating, he thinks if he has a roast dinner he can stuff himself silly as it's homemade, he was eating big portions before we even met and would take 2-3 bars of chocolate to work each day before I encouraged him to take fruit and nuts as snacks. Or he thinks it's ok to have two cereal bars in place of one chocolate bar, even though the cereal bars have got as many calories and sugar if not more than a kitkat.

If I say I'd like to have a takeaway or go out for a meal he pulls a really guilty face as though it's the worst sin in the world and I'm a really bad influence.

I've tried to get him to come swimming, go for walks, I've even suggested jogging together but he doesn't like exercise. He says his job is physical enough or he's too tired to exercise.

Might sound harsh but I'm 28 and I don't want to be worrying about diets and weight, I find it all a bit of a bore and just want to take an everything in moderation approach.

It's not that I mean to be unsupportive it's just for example he's phoned me tonight and had a moan about how he's getting chest pains and he's going to have a heart attack. I'm sure that's a hint at me to get the tea on for tomorrow and Friday when he comes over, but then he tells me he's had a full English on his way to work this morning and been and got chip shop for his tea.

i would just stop commenting about what he eats, just act like it's a really boring subject that you're not interested in

I thought the deal was that you did the food in the week and he did weekends? So he can order you a takeaway and do his own salad and grilled chicken, no?

If you want a takeaway and he doesn't then he should make his own food. I would never have stopped my family having a fish supper but i might have got myself fishcakes and salad to have at the same time. It doesn't take a genius to sort this out.

YANBU if he expects you to eat salads when together but he is having cooked breakfasts and fish and chips when away from you. He's a diet bore - no more no less.

I just can't get over the fact he expects you to make dinner every night. Tell him if he wants something different he can cook it himself, the lazy arse! Anyone who expected me to cook for them and then complained about what I made would be getting pretty short shrift.

As for the rest - stop trying to help him, it's obviously knackering you out and not making any difference to him. Next time he starts on about it, just make some non-committal noises and change the subject. He's an adult. He can sort it out for himself.

I think it's very hard for people to get out of bad habits and overeating is probably the worst because it's not like cigarettes, drugs or alcohol, you have to eat and for some people once they start it's impossible to stop. It's an addiction like anything else.

It sounds as if he was overfed as a child so it is probably very difficult for him to understand moderation and portion control as his 'no longer hungry' signals don't work properly. He would also need to educate himself on 'normal' size portions and healthy alternatives to his favourite foods.

He needs to understand that he needs to exercise if he wants to lose weight, could you encourage him to join a gym? Muscle is necessary to burn fat and speed his metabolism. Exercise will also slim his appearance by toning his physique.

It's not your fault but tempting him with junk isn't helping. If you love him and want to remain with him, you could suggest healthier alternatives when he's at yours. If that's too much hassle for you then maybe it's time to move on and let him go his way where he can no longer blame you for leading him into temptation.

I make his tea because he works later than me. He doesn't tell me to make his tea as such but if I didn't he'd act very hard done by and pull a face that he's been forced to buy fish and chips now because it's too late for him to cook.

I#m probably encouraging him by getting into the discussion with him as I can't win anyway. I think from now on I'm going to cook what I think and if I want to go out to eat or takeaway I'll just do it, trouble is if I suggest I'll order one for myself or I'll eat out with someone else instrad he pulls a face over that too. That I'm cruel eating it in front of him so he'll have to have one.

I'm just not going to get into the conversation in future, I'll just nod and smile and change the subject.

I think he is a blamer, another situation happened this morning over a key. I've never had a key to his placeor him mine, mainly because we've just never bothered to get spares cut. I've mentioned a few times it wouold be handy for me to have one incase I'm going to his and he's back late/sometimes he hides a key in the garden for me to get in which I don't think is very safe, but it's his call. As he's never had one cut for me I've not pushed the subject/I'm not that bothered.

He gave me the back door key the other day to let myself out as I was waiting in for a package for him. I tried to give it back to him that night but as I might be going to his on Friday so he said for me to hang onto it so that I can let myself back in. Then this morning he starts texting me having a paddy saying he needs the back door key and we need to get some cut because he can't open the back door and the house is disgusting and full of flies?!

Aargh, I told him it would be wise to get some spares plus I tried to give him the key back but now it's my fault.

He needs to understand that he needs to exercise if he wants to lose weight, could you encourage him to join a gym? Muscle is necessary to burn fat and speed his metabolism. Exercise will also slim his appearance by toning his physique

I've suggested he join a gym, it's too expensive/he hasn't got time. I've asked him to come walking, he doesn't like walking it's boring. I've said we could go jogging, he said he's too tired/he'd look a prat. I've asked him to come swimming, he said he's too fat/swimming is too easy/I'm too crap at swimming. I've suggested dancing around to an exerise video, he said it's for women. He tells me he doesn't need to exercise just cut down his food, but he doesn't do either.

It's not your fault but tempting him with junk isn't helping. If you love him and want to remain with him, you could suggest healthier alternatives when he's at yours. If that's too much hassle for you then maybe it's time to move on and let him go his way where he can no longer blame you for leading him into temptation

He eats more junk when he's not with me than when he is. It's not about it's too much hassle but he could still lose weight and have a takeaway and eat out, in my opinion, but he won't because of all the other stuff he eats.

Love, if he lived alone he'd have to cook his own dinner when he got home late anyway. Lots of people do. I'm sure he would cope if he had to.

Stop engaging with it. Cook whatever you already have planned (it sounds like you do all the shopping/cooking at home?) and he can like it or lump it. No one is allowed to complain about meals in this house - if someone cooks for you you accept it with grace.

When he tries to say it's your fault I would reply with "Your weight is not my doing, please do not blame me for your weight issues. I don't want to talk about this any further." And refuse to get drawn into a discussion on it.

When he starts talking about food stop engaging with him. You're right, you can't win, so stop engaging. He will soon run out of steam on it when he's not getting any response from you.

Perhaps sit him down and talk to him, tell him what you've said here that you think he's fine the way he is but you understand he's unhappy with his weight. However, his weight is his issue alone and it's not anybody else's fault, so you don't want to hear any more blame on yourself for his unhappiness. That you realise he is merely venting and looking for someone to blame and you're not willing to engage any further. You will cook what you like and if he wants his meals cooking for him he will accept what is cooked with grace. If he complains about what has been cooked you simply won't cook for him again, and he can make something better fitting his requirements himself.

But you have to mean it, or else it's just an empty threat.

Yep I do the shopping and cooking and I'm going to put my foot down.

I was in a very similar situation to you up until recently. DH has a really slow metabolism but I can eat what I like and hardly put on any weight - I know, I'm a lucky b**ch! Like you, though, I've never cared what he looks like, but I care how he feels about the way he looks and it hurts me that he gets so upset about it.

Although DH never really blamed me that he was overweight, he'd regularly complain about it (family history of triple heart bypasses not helping matters) and I felt guilty that I wanted to eat what I wanted (I should say that I do actually eat relatively healthily and keep portion sizes smallish, but I also am partial to some Ben&Jerry's for pud) and it was causing him to put on a lot of weight. At least you live apart so you can hide a bar of chocolate in the cupboard! If DH ever found something I'd stashed for myself then he'd scoff the lot so I stopped keeping any temptations in the house and just went without myself.

I did exactly the same as you - I made suggestions, I offered to exercise with him, tried to tactfully point out things he was eating which weren't healthy (I celebrated the day he decided to start having breakfast before work!) but he kept putting on weight and I kept feeling like I wanted to help but couldn't.

I wish I could give you a magic "this worked for me" solution, but to be honest, it was all him. We've been together 10 years with this a fairly constant thread running through (although he did lose weight with a few crash diets that I helped him through but put it back on again) and one day he just woke up and decided he was going to do WW, and that was it. I had suggested it loads of times before, casually dropping into conversation how much a friend of mine had lost and how much a male friend of mine had lost doing it but he'd always made excuses or said he wasn't doing WW because it was for women. But one day, I don't know what happened, but he just decided "that's it, enough is enough. I don't want to be this overweight any more" and he joined the online WW.

We both downloaded the app to our phones and he'd update it through the day with his breakfast and lunch and I'd cook a healthy meal for him to match the remainder of his points. We only had WW biscuits in the cupboard and counted all the points. I guessed roughly how many points I would be on and counted along with him to begin with, but once I'd lost a stone I stopped and just counted his.

He's now lost over 2.5 stone in 6 months and I'm so proud of him. In doing WW we're now both so much more aware of what is actually healthy and what isn't (had no idea bread, tortillas etc were so bad!) and although he's cancelled his subscription he's still losing about 1/2lb a week without trying.

At the end of the day, it's impossible for you to be responsible in any way for him losing weight - it has to be his decision and if he ever tries to make you feel bad about it you need to remind him of this, or just ignore him and remind yourself. Keep giving him suggestions and keep cooking him healthy/moderately-sized meals. If he complains it's not enough hand him a bag of salad or offer him fruit! If he reaches for chocolate you haven't offered remind him that he'd asked for a healthy meal which you've provided and he's the one deciding to ruin it all with something unhealthy.

Sorry this is such a long post considering it has nothing helpful in it! I really hope your DP comes to realise that he can do it if he just puts his mind to it. To be honest, it sounds like at the moment it's not a big enough, or urgent enough, "problem" in his mind for him to deal with. Hopefully he'll realise before something awful happens to give him a wake-up call.

I completely agree that he needs to take responsibility for himself.

A few home truths might be necessary.

I just re-read - you don't even live together?! Bugger that for a game of soldiers right now!

It's seriously cheeky to demand what someone else cooks for you in their own house. He gets what he's given (I'm assuming you're not cooking him fry ups and other unhealthy fatty meals every evening).

bakeoff thanks! I don't think I can eat whatever I like it's just that my portions are so much smaller. Fro example I have one shredded wheat or a slice of toast for breakfast. He has a big bowl of sugary cereal or fried bacon and eggs. If we get chips I habe a mini cod and chips, he has large chips and fish and a pie. He would use a whole bag of oven chips wheareas a bag of oven chiops last me forever because I only eat a few.b He also drinks beer and I don't, eats a lot of red meat which I don't.

stuntgirl no I don't think I make anything terrible but not really healthy either. I make things like chicken stir fry, quorn chilli, pasta with some type of homemade sauce, jacket spuds with chicken, salad and coleslaw, fish with mash or boiled potatoes and veg. Just the things I enjoy really, normal stuff. I never make fry ups, the last time I had one was boxing day

I say keep doing what you're doing but make sure that he's aware that when he's ordering a large chips, fish and pie, that that is HIS decision to do that when he could have a small one if he'd prefer. He won't like it, but when he starts hearing "ok, but don't blame me that you're overweight when you're the one choosing a portion twice the size you really need" and "here's the chocolate you wanted but don't tell me off for not having a super healthy meal for you tonight if you're going to double your calorie intake with sweets you don't need", he might start to realise what he's doing.

It is so frustrating though - you have my utmost sympathy.

Just re-read - he has bacon and eggs for breakfast, a whole bag of oven chips (plus something accompanying it?) for dinner and 2-3 bars of chocolate in between, (plus some lunch I'm guessing) then complains to you about his weight???

Scratch my last post, I'd be saying "of course you're overweight, you've eaten about 6000 calories today when everyone knows the average man needs only 3000 a day! What did you think was going to happen?"

Bakeoff, he doesn't really have the 3 chocolate bars anymore, that was when we first met he'd bring his lunch round for work the next day, courtesy of his mum and there'd be two or three choc bars e.g a yorkie and a flake. I did actually say he'd end up diabetic if he kept doing that plus it was no wonder he was tired all the time. He has started having cereal bars and fruit now. although I'm not convinced that the cereal bars are any better, plus he eats more of them. Yes on a weekend he likes to buy a loaf of crusty bread and will get through 3-4 slices, with sausages, bacon and eggs. I don't even eat this and can't stand the smell. If we're having freezer food he wants a bag of scampi to himself, and yes he thinks a whole bag of oven chips is between two. And also see my post about when he works away, fry ups, beer and pub dinners, and I'm not even there then!

That's why I get so pissed off when I say I'd like to go for a meal and he pulls a face that it's 'bad for us' because I think if he didn't eat all the other rubbish we could enjoy a meal out without feeling guilt.

I think it's quite clear YANBU but you already knew that. I think you need to tell him some home truths ("Don't pull that 'you're suggesting something thats bad for us' face when you've been eating X Y and Z all week!") and let him huff and tantrum about it. He needs to take responsibility for his own health but no one can make him to do that, it has to be his decision. He's being a child and an idiot.

Now that it's been confirmed by MN jury that I'm not just being unsympathetic/unsupportive, I'm definitely going to start standing up for myself and passing the blame straight back to him. I'm also going to try my best not to engage in the conversations that come to nothing. I'll just nod and say ok and change the subject, then let him get on with what he wants to do.

Good decision.

this chap needs to learn to flex his willpower muscles..he must have some somewhere :o

I had a smiliar thing, where if I got a takeaway or fish and chips on the way home, then I would feel guilty, and quickly have to explain why I got it to my bf when he got in. Luckily he doesn't expect me to cook for him, but did suggest at one point that we could have lighter meals. Which as I was tryign to get my health in order I was keen to do, (I luckily quite like cooking).

I think you have to let go of the guilt as well. Now I say I wanted it, so there. Just do the same thing, lay it out that his health is his issue and no one elses, if he wnats to be overweight fine by you but don't moan about it. Either do something or keep quiet about it. Nothing worse than someone who moans about something completely in their control and within their reach.

Thanks for replies, I forgot to mention something re exercise. might make some of you smile.

Earlier in the year he stated that he was going to do the London marathon. I said fair play you'll need to do lots of training. I suggested that we could do the Birmingham walk first this year, a 26 mile sponsored walk around Brum. He said that would be too easy and he'd rather run it. He also told me there's no way he'd walk with me as I'm 'too slow' cheeky fucker he never walks anywhere, yet I've always loved walking and have always had big dogs so taken long walk, and the Birmingham walk isn't a race.

I think your meals sound pretty healthy and balanced tbh. I've been losing weight and I manage it eating meals like that.

The problem with weight loss is that 'thing' has to just 'click' and suddenly you just do it. He won't until then.

He sounds unbearable. It sounds like he wants a personal chef rather than a partner. Who's paying for your shopping? Maybe he'd like to take responsibility for meal planning and shopping?