AIBU to be fed up of my boyfriend going on about his weight?

[YouareNOTfat]

My boyfriend is 30, he's around 2+ stone overweight but tall and big built so carries it quite well. I couldn't care less about his weight with regards to his appearance as I like him just the way he is, but obviously want him to be healthy.

We've been together 4 years and he's always been a bit overweight but has probably put on about a stone in the time we've been together. But in all that time he's always complaining about his weight but never does anything about it. He's now convinced himself that he's going to have a heart attack.

He makes out that it's my fault that he's overweight. I am not overweight but I do like to have a takeaway and eat out at the weekend but I know my limits on portion size whereas he will eat until he feels sick. He stays over at mine 3-5 nights a week and I feel under pressure to make him a healthy tea or it's my fault he's not losing weight.

I don't think that it's my fault as I don't think he understands about long term healthy eating, he thinks if he has a roast dinner he can stuff himself silly as it's homemade, he was eating big portions before we even met and would take 2-3 bars of chocolate to work each day before I encouraged him to take fruit and nuts as snacks. Or he thinks it's ok to have two cereal bars in place of one chocolate bar, even though the cereal bars have got as many calories and sugar if not more than a kitkat.

If I say I'd like to have a takeaway or go out for a meal he pulls a really guilty face as though it's the worst sin in the world and I'm a really bad influence.

I've tried to get him to come swimming, go for walks, I've even suggested jogging together but he doesn't like exercise. He says his job is physical enough or he's too tired to exercise.

Might sound harsh but I'm 28 and I don't want to be worrying about diets and weight, I find it all a bit of a bore and just want to take an everything in moderation approach.

It's not that I mean to be unsupportive it's just for example he's phoned me tonight and had a moan about how he's getting chest pains and he's going to have a heart attack. I'm sure that's a hint at me to get the tea on for tomorrow and Friday when he comes over, but then he tells me he's had a full English on his way to work this morning and been and got chip shop for his tea.

For example when he works away which is fairly often, he'll say he's worried because he knows he'll be eating badly.

So I suggest that he could go for cereal in the morning or egg on toast instead of a fry up, shop bought sandwich for lunch (not the best but better than the burger van or the chip shop) and just have one beer on the evening, but he tells me he can't for various reasons so I end up saying just to enjoy the free food on his boss and that he's fine the way he is. Because I can't win either way.

Youare, to me it sounds a bit as if as if he's trying to steer you into the role of an enabler..or perhaps weaving you into his problem is his way of keeping you in the relationship?

Just my suggestion...feel free to disregard if you dont think it fits:)

Love not live. Good luck, OP.

I still can't fathom what the male/female aspect has to do with this at all - but I do know constantly blaming another for your own shortcomings is passive aggressive nonsense - & blamers don't tend to care if the recipient starts to feel down about it all. They're normally only like this with partner too, who is of course supposed to smile & say yes dear as its all about their blamer's issues giving them right to behave as they like as, of course, its alright for you. Sigh..

Anyway..OP could you perhaps find a neutral place/space, talk to him about how you're feeling, how you do want to help him however you can? Hopefully something positive could come from that. You've been together for some time so you probably know each other well enough to talk on a deep level. Also to know - or find out - whether something else is bothering him. Just remember your own emotional wellbeing is important too ..

Come to think of it he used to blame his mum for putting two chocolate bars in his lunch box.

I will see about going for a walk at the weekend, but I'm sure that there will be a mountain of excuses that he's too tired/hasn't got time/is wearing the wrong trousers/sweats too much.

He's adamant that exercise isn't the answer it's me force feeding him takeaways on a Friday night.

Has he tried working out how many calories he needs for his height/activity levels and then sticking to that? He may be shocked at how many calories are in things. I know people who hate exercise but stay slim by eating less. So if he wants to lose weight he needs to eat less and move more - as we all know. He doesn't have to eat what you eat. If we have a takeaway curry i often have tandoori/chicken tikka (dry) with salad and a chapati/boiled rice. It massively cuts the calories. I think you may need to sit down and explain it all and what you've said here. It sounds like really hard work tbh.

My dh is the other way round, refuses to see how food is an issue and just exercises more, but i try and tell him he isn't going to have time to exercise 1000 calories off extra a day.

MistressDeeCee

I may be being unfair on you as you may be as blunt whatever the sex. However, in connection with a woman, I believe we would be wary of saying, as you did above:

'Rather than dealing with his own worries about his weight, he is lazily projecting his issues directly onto you rather than actually getting up and doing something about it.'

I think that thankfully we realise it is not so simple as just getting up and doing something.

Mrskoala, a while back we did My Fitness Pal, so we did the whole calories, fat and sugar content.

I really don't think this is about weight, or losing weight. It is about him abdicating responsibility for himself and effectively saying to the OP that everything is her responsibility, and therefore everything that is not perfect and effortless is HER FAULT. It is HER JOB to look after him, cook for him, make sure he eats the right things, make his life easy-peasy. It is HIS JOB to be coddled like a toddler from the big bad world and the consequences of his own behaviour. With cries of 'ooh, I'm going to have a heart attack' to guilt the OP into the role he has assigned to her .

Sorry, but fuck that for a game of soldiers.

"Come to think of it he used to blame his mum for putting two chocolate bars in his lunch box."
And he probably gave her a load of excuses reasons why she should put two in.

So OP - what are you going to do about this? Accept the role of mother/enabler, or tell him he's been rumbled and he'd better pull his finger out and grow the hell up?

Bookforgoddaughter - no, I wouldn't be wary of saying what I did whether relating to male,or female. What struck me re. the OP's post was how 'down' she sounded about being constantly & consistently blamed for her partner's weight gain, & her support & suggestions of things that could perhaps help being rebuffed. Whilst I understand her partner has weight issues, I don't see that as meaning his behaviour towards her is unacceptable. Its not a man vs woman thing for me - which is why I wouldn't even have thought to mention it & can't see the link.

If OP were a man & partner a woman, it'd be just as bad. Being unfairly blamed & complained at is unplesant whatever your gender, to my mind

& no, losing weight often isn't as simple as 'getting up & doing something'. Doesn't give you the right to pick on someone else about it tho

Fair play. Good response.

since he rubbishes all the op's suggestions I'd be tempted to stop making any suggestions or giving advice.

Perhaps when the subject comes up just ask him what he thinks he ought to do, reinforce the idea that it's his responsibility and he needs to do what feels right for him.

Not suggesting that one shouldnt, in a general sense, be supportive of another person who wants to make positive changes, but if all your suggestions are dismissed doesnt it make sense to stop supplying them?

Oops..meant to say in response doesnt mean his behaviour is acceptable

It's good to be supportive, but it's not fair if he gets to have fish and chips when he's not with you but you have to eat healthily while he's around. My DH does this and it drives me batty!

It is up to him to make a healthy living plan, including some allowances for you having fun too - and after that, it would seem fair and supportive for you to be able to help.

Every comment would be met with a 'do you think the full english helped?'

After that it wud be, 'you to you to change your ways, I look after my wieght by enjoying healthy food, treats and exercise, you to you to change' AND REPEAT!

It's absolute rubbish. If he wanted to lose the weight while eating takeaways and roasts he easily could. Have you ever thought about pointing him in the direction of wight watchers online app? I lost 5 and a half stone on WW. I had some sort of chocolate nearly everyday and a takeaway once a week. I just made different choices but never felt deprived of treats. After seeing my success my DH decided to try the online app and has since lost 4 stone, again enjoying his food and still drinking beer etc. He sounds like a bit of a sheep IMHO he happy to eat the rubbish and drink the drinks but still blame you, the reality is, if he wanted to do something about his weight he would. He doesnt sound that bothered to me.

Yep suggested WW, apparently that's for women.
I think from now on I'm just going to take the stance that he's responsible for himself. I'm not making any more suggestions because mine are always wrong.

I'm quite annoyed now and feel like saying that the reason I'm not overweight is because I order a mini fish and chips, you order a large with fish pie and a sausage, finish my leftovers then blame me because the chip tea was my idea. But I know how nasty that would he.

I can just see that he's setting himself up for a fall, if he has cereal he buys the really sugary ones and has double portions they're marketed as healthy but on the pack they're full of sugar. I said he'd be better with porridge oats or shredded wheat or just an egg on toast. But then he wants to cover his porridge in frikkin jam or sugar and his eggs in ketchup, drives me crazy.

I do WW online and there are plenty of male members. If he did this there would be no embarrassment about going to a meeting It might help him to look at portions sizes, trigger points etc.
I successfully lots 2 st and i still went out for meals, had takeaways, drank wine. I just made sure i kept within my allocated points.

All this is fine, except he really has to want to do it for himself and until he realises this he will continue to make excuses and moan. He obviously hasn't had a rock bottom moment yet where he understands that he had control over every morsel he puts in his mouth. It is very empowering when you grasp this and very motivating.

I don't know what you can do meanwhile other than try to support him as you have been doing. Could you show him this thread?

the 'it's your fault' blame tennis is the red flag for me.

why bother? Find a man with a brain.

Get your takeaway, prepare him a salad and steamed chicken breast. His needs are being met as well as your own. But then again, I'm a cow!

He can't blame you for his lack of will power, and I say this as someone who is a long-term weight watcher user. As long as he has you to blame he will never get this under control, he needs to accept responsibility for his own actions.

Next time he tries to eat your leftovers just say "Are you sure you want to eat that?" or when he won't exercise with you say "Well I don't want to hear any whining about your weight if you're unwilling to exercise". Just tell him the truth.

You sound like you have the patience of a saint to put up with him.

Get him to use myfitnesspal and start logging his calories . He needs to learn about portion size and this will help him. You can support him with healthy eating but a weekly takeaway is fine

Agree get a takeaway for you and make him salad/chicken dish

Sod that, why should you make his food, are you his mother or the paid help? Tell him from now on, you will sort out your food and he can sort out his!

But should I really have to prepare him a separate meal? The whole reason I like having a takeaway on the weekend is so I don't have to. I don't want to be responsible for him.