DD Smoking

[Oliviafoster]

So I joined mums net to get advice. Basically, my 15 y.o. DD tried smoking when she was 12. I caught her and told her to stop. For a while things were fine, but on her 14th birthday I caught her smoking in her room and since then I know she's been smoking when out with friends. I've tried to stop her but failed and now she's addicted. We do get along quite well, but the other day she came to me and asked if she was ok to smoke in her bedroom. I told her no, and since we have had a huge row. I know I will get much hate, but AIBU to allow her to smoke? I think maybe if I allow her to do it, she will not care as much about it as it becomes less rebellious. I'd much rather her smoke in the house and quit at a later date, than smoke god knows where with god knows who. AIBU?

How is she buying them, you have to be 18 to be served?!

yes, nicotine is a drug. So it must be made clear that it is an unwelcome, dirty habit, and she must be made very uncomfortable while taking her drug. That way she may just decide that it would be worth getting help to break the addiction.

(yes, I realise this is not the way to tackle all addictions but I think it is reasonable for tobacco junkies)

I do not allow anyone to smoke in my house, and frankly OP, I am amazed that you are even considering this for a moment.

I am a smoker, have been for 30 years, but hell would freeze over before I allowed anyone to smoke in my house or my car, including me.

I have a friend who smokes in her house and honestly, her house stinks, I mean, really really smells bad, I have almost been sick on occasion by the smell. And before anyone says, I am perfectly aware that smokers smell this bad too

OP, You may not mind the smell, but I have a few questions for you.

Will it bother you that your friends or family wont want to come to your house because of the vile smell and the way it makes them smell when they have been round?
Are you aware that cigarettes are the single biggest cause of house fires in the UK? (Surprising since the majority of people ime choose not to smoke in their homes anymore.)
What message are you conveying to your DD by allowing her to do this? Possibly that her comfort is far more important than every other person's comfort and health in the house?
What do the other people in the house think?
Are you aware that by allowing your home to become a smoking zone, your DD's friends, many of whom may not have admitted to their own parents that they smoke, are going to make a beeline for your home to smoke in comfort?
Do you want to be seen as a pushover?

I can almost guarantee you that other parents whose DC smoke would not be smoking in their homes, so why do you want to be subjected to something that could harm you, and make you and your clothes/hair stink? You will smell like a smoker without being one. Your acceptance of this is quite bizarre tbh.

Aside from the OMG, she's 15!! bit.

Do people actually smoke indoors nowadays? And in a bedroom? That would be just foul.

I simply wouldn't allow this. I would withdraw all privileges & squeeze her on all fronts until she relents. I do appreciate that this would make for a rocky road at the moment, but she'll thank you when she's older.

How does she buy the cigarettes anyhow OP?

Wherever I go to buy cigarettes, you have to be 18.

DS smokes, and he is 22 and well over 6ft tall, yet he is still asked for ID almost every time he buys cigarettes, so how does your DD acquire the cigarettes in the first place?

Take her to a town centre, sit on a bench and point out the women that smoke - you'll see them: heavy lines, grey skin and old before their time. Most teenage girls are vain - remind her she's ruining her looks with every fag

This I think this is brilliant advice.
I am 27 and have been quit for nearly 7 months after smoking for 9 years.

I tried to quit in the past. I tried to quit for health. Then for money. Then for the shame of not wanting to smoke in front of my children. I had more failed quit attempts than I could count.

On my most recent (and obviously successful quit attempt) the only thing that stopped me lighting up after about a week was being served cigarettes by a woman who was blatantly a smoker. I looked at her as I paid, left the shop, and threw the unopened packet straight in the bin.

As soon as a woman gets to around 30-35 you can tell a mile off which are smokers. They have more lines, yellower teeth and eyes, dull skin and heavier bags under the eyes...and just look generally unhealthier, older and more haggard.

Ram that fact home to her.

I think HeySoulSisters advice is great. Let her smoke e cigs.

Does anyone smoke in your house?

If so, that makes it harder.

No one smokes in my house...ever. So it makes it easy for me to say no should anyone ever ask me, or try. There would be no row, because it's simply how things go.

Does her school offer any ceasing smoking support. I know DSs school does.

I wouldn't take ewes advice, i think that would be completely over the top and likely to cause more harm than good. I would buy her an e cig and allow her to smoke that inside, otherwise make her go outside to smoke.

Your plan to allow her to smoke inside if she plans to stop is completely flawed.

I see where you are coming from, but please don't do it.

I'm your 15 year old daughter 20 years on, and I still smoke. My Mum now says that she was thinking pretty much the same as what you are thinking.

But look at it objectively. Do you honestly believe that a child who has found something that she likes is going to feel inclined to give up that thing as soon as you make it more enjoyable for them than ever before?

It's not going to work.

She is fifteen, it is illegal for her to smoke. It is still ok for your to tell your daughter that she has to smoke outside, away from you and away from your house. Its more than acceptable to say that to other adults in your house, let alone your dd. If an adult in the house already smokes, then they will have to go outside too. Your job is to send the message that it's not something that she is going to enjoy in the long or short term, and as it's so bad for her health that it is not something you as her Mother can condone. Stop arguing with her about it, but please don't allow her to start doing it openly. You would basically be inviting her to smoke forever.

I wouldn't allow anyone to smoke in my house and unless you do then I would make that a non negotiable rule. However, some of the posts have made me chuckle, sadly. If you tell her to stop she will ignore you and do it behind your back, keep the lines of communication open, be proud that she can talk to you about this. Tell her to keep track of how many sh smokes and work out how much she is spending on them. Don't enable her to smoke by funding her for anything at all, lunch out/ new clothes/ shoes or whatever. Point out every time she asks that she would have plenty of money for these things if she gave up. I would however, allow her to smoke in the garden (providing there are no younger siblings to be influenced by that)

I wouldnt allow her to smoke in the house she maybe smoking but you dont need to allow it or like it in your house she is 15 it is illegal and a filthy disgusting habit I know i smoke I wouldnt allow my dds to smoke in the house,

My DB had a complete breakdown a few years back. Only whilst he was at his most ill was he allowed to smoke in the house. In the back garden, yes, but not in the house. It makes the whole house smell.

I would say if you've done everything you can since she was 12, now is the time to go for damage limitation. Asking her to go into the garden but that you'll turn a blind eye whilst she's there is a sensible compromise.

I think you are allowing your fear that she won't like you to get the better of your parenting.

This.

How reasonable will this plan feel when you're watching your daughter die from lung cancer?

I think you are being tolerant enough in not kicking off/limiting allownace etc and this would be a step too far . I think you are hoping that by you being generous with allowing her to smoke inside that she will give more consideration to quitting than she would have done otherwise but it wont work

May I?

I smoked. Some would say I am still a smoker . I havent had a cigarette for 6 weeks. I was a 40 a day smoker.

DS1 smokes. He has secretly smoked since he was 13/14. DC2&3 think its the filthy habit (thankfully).

I have bribed DS1 to stop, I've been stolen from.

You wont stop anyone from smoking unless they want to. I mentioned my habit earlier in the post.

I've stopped so I can take the moral high ground. But I know he will continue to smoke for the next 30 odd years until he needs to take a similar stance.

Accept your child smokes. Dont encourage it (I never did) dont fund it, hide your purse and ban it to outside. You wont stop a smoker, its an addictive habit.

Yanbu. In my experience strict parents make sneaky kids. At 15 she isn't going to change her mind because you want her to. Your'll just be forcing her outside, quite a pointless exercise as she won't stop. The people I used to hang round with to obtain fags and alcohol before my mum ok'ed it, makes me shudder! I used to go to their flats to have sex too, when I was 13 and they were well in their 20's. I get a lot of shit for this but because of my own experiences I would rather buy a small amount of alcohol and cigarettes for my children if and when they want it in their teens, rather than them hang out with older lads for it.

I would never let anyone smoke in my house (Im an ex smoker).
I would not let a child of mine smoke anywhere on my property..including the garden/porch etc.
You need to find out where shes getting them from because as other MNetters have said its illegal to buy them at her ages.
So what if she doesnt like it, being a parent is not about being friends with our children.

OP: My DS has just turned 16. He has been smoking since he was 14. He used to buy fags off of his school mates. Then he pulled the stunt of hanging around to ask one of his 18 yo friends to buy packs for him. He's now 16. Legal to smoke, not legal to buy. He smokes in the garden. Not in the house. I will not allow him to smoke in the house. I'm an ex smoker and never smoked indoors.

Tell your DD that it's illegal as she's only 15 and refuse to let her smoke on the property. I did this until DS turned 16. I now allow him to smoke in the garden.

Ds1 smokes and has done for a few years, my rule was not in the house (he still did on occasion!) and until he turned 18 not in the garden either

Talk to her and see if she'd be willing to try an ecig instead. They are almost a fashion accessory round by me at the moment, and have reduced the number of smokers dramatically. Oh, and there's a no way to smoking inside the house.

Well, if you think a 'strong relationship' is worth more than her health, then you carry on doing what you'd already decided to do. what nanyogg says. Plus giving in means she will smoke more, if its banned in your house you are doing her a favour as she will have to smoke less. Its madness not to do everything you can to get her to give up unless you want to watch her die young? poison the house with chemicals? make it unhealthy for all the non smoking inhabitants / visitors and if she ever has kids, poison your grandchildren too. You are a fool to give in op but seems like you already made the decision. of course she will say she will give up if it means being able to get away with it at home, are you really that naive?