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AIBU?

DD Smoking

86 replies

Oliviafoster · 20/08/2013 17:45

So I joined mums net to get advice. Basically, my 15 y.o. DD tried smoking when she was 12. I caught her and told her to stop. For a while things were fine, but on her 14th birthday I caught her smoking in her room and since then I know she's been smoking when out with friends. I've tried to stop her but failed and now she's addicted. We do get along quite well, but the other day she came to me and asked if she was ok to smoke in her bedroom. I told her no, and since we have had a huge row. I know I will get much hate, but AIBU to allow her to smoke? I think maybe if I allow her to do it, she will not care as much about it as it becomes less rebellious. I'd much rather her smoke in the house and quit at a later date, than smoke god knows where with god knows who. AIBU?

OP posts:

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KellyElly · 21/08/2013 12:56

Because I want to keep a strong relationship with my DD, I will allow her to smoke indoors if she tries to stop. Being a parent and saying no to something you don't agree with should not stop you having a strong relationship. You are a parent, not a friend.

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Crinkle77 · 21/08/2013 13:56

I would not let her smoke in her room but you can't really stop her from smoking outside of the home. If you let her smoke in the home she will have no incentive to stop. She will just see it as you condoning her smoking. The more you nag at her the more she will smoke. I suppose all you can do is let her know you disapprove but you can't stop it. I am a smoker (35) and I still don't smoke in front of my mum or even go outside when I am hers. I know she does not like it and although she doesn't say anything I feel funny around her doing it.

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LayMizzRarb · 21/08/2013 14:10

With the exception of sanitary products, I would tell her that she has to pay for everything she wants/needs. Mobile phone, clothes, bus fares, magazines, make up.
20 fags are almost £10 a packet now. even if she only gets through a couple of packs a week, that's £80 a month she could be spending on clothes etc.

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AmberLeaf · 21/08/2013 14:13

Tell your DD that it's illegal as she's only 15

That's not true.

It's illegal to sell cigarettes, tobacco or cigarette papers to anyone under 18, but it is not a criminal offence for a person under 18 to smoke

OP I wouldn't allow her to smoke in the house. Don't make it easier for her to continue her addiction.

How does she buy them anyway?

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diddl · 21/08/2013 14:20

Where does she get the cigarettes from?

I think smoking is disgusting & wouldn't want it in my house or garden tbh.

Doesn't anyone that sells them to her care that she's only 15?

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MonstersDontCry · 21/08/2013 14:32

It sounds as though you've already made your mind up op.

You keep asking if you think it's okay to let her smoke in the house if she tries to quit. Why would that give her any incentive to quit?

I do feel for you. If ant of my DC started smoking I'd be devastated but I literally would do everything I could to stop them. Letting her smoke in the house is probably the worst thing you could do IMO.

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hellsbellsmelons · 21/08/2013 14:59

I can only assume from what you have said that you smoke and you smoke in the house.
I have a 15 YO DD as well and she smokes. I decided to choose my battles and this is not one of them. I can't stop her but I certainly don't encourage her.
I also smoke - not many but I still do sometimes.
There is no way on this planet I would smoke in my house and no way anyone else is allowed to smoke in my house.
Most people wouldn't even think about smoking inside nowadays.
We all know about 2nd hand smoke etc.... and you should not be smoking inside as it makes it a lot worse.
Do NOT allow her to smoke in the house and certainly not in her room - yeuk!!!!

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diddl · 21/08/2013 15:39

TBH, this is a battle that I would be choosing!

Why do these young girls smoke?

Because their friends do? Because it's "cool"?

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ApocalypseThen · 21/08/2013 17:13

When my brother started smoking, my mother stopped feeding him on the basis that if he was keen to die a painful death, starvation is quicker, cheaper and less smelly.

He did end up stopping. You don't get into a battle of wills with motherpocalyspe.

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hstar1995 · 06/09/2013 22:09

YABU and YANBU. When I was 13 I went through a rebellious stage and started smoking, my mother (a non smoker) found out. I know for a fact that had she went mad I would have smoked even more to defy her. Instead, she sat me down and calmly told me that it was dangerous and explained all the risks, then told me it was my choice to smoke or not but I couldn't smoke indoors and she wouldn't give me any more money. I stopped myself after a few weeks, as it wasn't so rebellious anymore and I hated the smell. So I think YWBU to let her smoke inside but maybe not come down so hard on her, it may make her do it even more? I know I don't have any children myself so ignore my views if you want but the not strict approach worked for me

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wannabestressfree · 06/09/2013 22:41

I allow my son to smoke in the garden and he has to clear his mess away. I don't let the door remain open and he is not supposed to smoke near my other children.

I pick my battles with him (he has mental health problems) and letting him have a fag calms him. To be honest refusing or coming down hard on him he would ignore. In my eyes he is almost a man and although not always acts like it certainly looks it so has no trouble buying them.