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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD Smoking

86 replies

Oliviafoster · 20/08/2013 17:45

So I joined mums net to get advice. Basically, my 15 y.o. DD tried smoking when she was 12. I caught her and told her to stop. For a while things were fine, but on her 14th birthday I caught her smoking in her room and since then I know she's been smoking when out with friends. I've tried to stop her but failed and now she's addicted. We do get along quite well, but the other day she came to me and asked if she was ok to smoke in her bedroom. I told her no, and since we have had a huge row. I know I will get much hate, but AIBU to allow her to smoke? I think maybe if I allow her to do it, she will not care as much about it as it becomes less rebellious. I'd much rather her smoke in the house and quit at a later date, than smoke god knows where with god knows who. AIBU?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 20/08/2013 18:19

No smoking in the house. If you allow her to smoke in her bedroom the smell will piss you off, it'll turn her ceiling yellow and she could burn the house down one night.

Make her go outside if she must..she'll not welcome that when it's snowing.

gamerchick · 20/08/2013 18:20

Xpost

StuntGirl · 20/08/2013 18:21

If you want to enable her addiction OP sure, go right ahead.

SuzySheepSmellsNice · 20/08/2013 18:22

Um, nicotine is a drug... Just thought you should know...

Blueandwhitelover · 20/08/2013 18:23

OP sounds like she has a great relationship with her daughter who is trying to be honest with her Mum about smoking. OP do what feels right to you, go with your gut. Your daughter is working and you've said this has had a positive reaction in her so well done. keep those lines of communication open.
A drug taking person/child isn't going to ask anyway and will do it whether you allow it or not. Anyone saying that they won't allow their child to take drugs has their judgy pants up round their neck cutting off their blood supply. Be freaking grateful if your child manages to negotiate their adolescence without trying them, the sad truth is that most do even if their parents never find out. No parent would ever willingly allow their child to take drugs, sadly parents every day are losing their children to the dreadful legal high drugs that are legal to buy. Kids don't realise how dangerous they are and parents don't know their kids are taking them.

HeySoulSister · 20/08/2013 18:24

oh come on op!!! get real. stand up for what you know is right and stop being so lily livered and letting her walk allover you!!

your being brought upin a pub argument is rubbish....we ALL had smoke exposure back then!

orangepudding · 20/08/2013 18:26

Don't let her smoke in the house.

Original poster

Oliviafoster · 20/08/2013 18:27

Because I want to keep a strong relationship with my DD, I will allow her to smoke indoors if she tries to stop. I won't let her smoke in the kitchen, but everywhere else is fine.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2013 18:29

Don't let her smoke in the house. Although, it does seem to me, that you have decided to let her anyway.

She is paying for them herself, but if I were her mum, I wouldn't be paying for anything else (except necessary expenses like uniform etc). If she's spending all her wages on cigarettes how is she funding a social life and fashion?

HeySoulSister · 20/08/2013 18:30

if you let her smoke in your house it will become normal.

she will visitother houses and expect to be able to smoke there too

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2013 18:31

Well, if you think a 'strong relationship' is worth more than her health, then you carry on doing what you'd already decided to do.

Me? Watched my mother die of emphysema at 53, so I admit I'm biased.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2013 18:32

Oh, and even the 'hardened' smokers on here seem to not want to do it inside their own homes.

Squitten · 20/08/2013 18:34

No way any of my kids will ever smoke in my house! Summer sun or winter blizzard, they will be out in the garden or out the front door and I would go mad if they left their litter on my lawn/drive. She won't be allowed to smoke anywhere else indoors, e.g. pubs, etc, so she might as well get used to it!

I think you are allowing your fear that she won't like you to get the better of your parenting.

Notmadeofrib · 20/08/2013 18:36

Take her to a town centre, sit on a bench and point out the women that smoke - you'll see them: heavy lines, grey skin and old before their time. Most teenage girls are vain - remind her she's ruining her looks with every fag.

If she's trying to use fags to stay thin, talk to her about other strategies.

Keep an old ashtray and let her smell it - remind her that is exactly what she smells like - not very boy friendly.

However, you sound like you've already rolled over on this one OP.

gamerchick · 20/08/2013 18:40

My daughter started early and I made it hard for her.. my teenage son has started and I'm the same with him and no way is anybody allowed to smoke in the house and funny enough they respect that. If I had caved then boundaries would have been pushed further.

Since you've already decided I'm not sure what you're asking for really.

BlingBang · 20/08/2013 18:42

Why will letting her smoke indoors encourage her to stop - are you mad?

teenagetantrums · 20/08/2013 18:48

I smoke my 16 year old dd smokes I would rather she didn't , but no one smokes in my house, everyone outside including me, and I don't give her any money to smoke. her life yes but my house.

Wilberforce2 · 20/08/2013 18:52

I think you are letting your fear of her not "liking" you for a while cloud your judgement. You are her parent not her best mate and she won't always like the rules that you put in place but you cannot let that you stop them making them. Tell her it's a disgusting habit not to mention health damaging and she can do it away from the house and not in your presence.

Do you have other kids? Will you be happy with them following her example?

From the sounds of your post I think you have already decided to let her but you just want us to tell you it's ok.

marriednotdead · 20/08/2013 18:54

I have a 16yo DSS. He smokes, as does DH. I don't like it but they have made those choices. I neither fund, nor encourage.

Smoking is confined to the garden. Not negotiable.

Why do you not value your health enough to consider this? If they can manage not to smoke in public buildings out of consideration for STRANGERS, then it's the least they can do for you.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 20/08/2013 19:03

Why is smoking a grey area? Do you think it's not that bad?

ivykaty44 · 20/08/2013 19:03

I think maybe if I allow her to do it, she will not care as much about it as it becomes less rebellious. I'd much rather her smoke in the house and quit at a later date, than smoke god knows where with god knows who. AIBU?

Your dd is addicted to smoking and she will not stop smoking if you let her smoke in the house, it is not rebellious now she is addicted it is an addiction, she may well have started to be rebellious but now she is hooked.

If you stop her smoking in the house she will not be able to smoke as much, therefore this will reduce her smoking. reducing her smoking is important as this will reduce the effects when there is little else you can do about it - in fact there is nothing else you can do about it other than be supportive if she ever does want to kick the habit.

if you allow her to smoke at home, then she may be able to increase her smoking to another 4-5 per day and over a week that would be 45 per week and you can do the maths for a month and per year.

I don't allow smoking on my property, that includes the garden - if any one wants to smoke then they have to go out to the street, this decreases the amount smoked as it is a hassle.

IloveJudgeJudy · 20/08/2013 19:04

I, too, have a DS who smokes. I thought you had to be 18 to buy cigarettes now? Anyway, DS has to smoke outside the house. If it's in the front, he goes right off our property onto the pavement and if it's out the back then it's well away from the house.

I agree with you, OP, that it's good you have a good relationship with your DD. I still wouldn't allow her to smoke in the house. It's very unusual nowadays for people to smoke inside. My friends' DHs who smoke (only a couple out of our circle) all smoke outside their own homes. Please don't let her smoke inside. married has it. Tell her it's for your own health. Secondhand smoking is bad for you/one.

I don't agree with Ewe. I don't know how long ago her parents managed to stop her DB from smoking. I think teens are different now and you know your own DD, but please stand up to her a little bit and tell her she has to go outside. Winter's coming up in a couple of months and it will be raining and horrible. It might deter her. That's what you ultimately want, isn't it? You can't stop her smoking if she's determined, but you don't have to give in on everything. I wouldn't keep nagging her about it, either, or you'll just alienate her, but I definitely would draw your line in the sand about not smoking indoors.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 20/08/2013 19:05

Fgs put a boundary in place and stick to it! You will let her smoke indoors if she tries to quit? Are you quite mad? You are the parent. It doesn't matter if you smoke, send a message to her that it's not acceptable for her to do so. If she wants to smoke she smokes elsewhere. Anything else is condoning it and when it comes to smoking children absolutely do follow their role models.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 20/08/2013 19:06

And if you smoke, stop smoking in the house!

ShellyBoobs · 20/08/2013 19:06

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yes!
OP: Many, many, many reasons why NBU.

Why ask?

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