DD Smoking

[Oliviafoster]

So I joined mums net to get advice. Basically, my 15 y.o. DD tried smoking when she was 12. I caught her and told her to stop. For a while things were fine, but on her 14th birthday I caught her smoking in her room and since then I know she's been smoking when out with friends. I've tried to stop her but failed and now she's addicted. We do get along quite well, but the other day she came to me and asked if she was ok to smoke in her bedroom. I told her no, and since we have had a huge row. I know I will get much hate, but AIBU to allow her to smoke? I think maybe if I allow her to do it, she will not care as much about it as it becomes less rebellious. I'd much rather her smoke in the house and quit at a later date, than smoke god knows where with god knows who. AIBU?

[wannabestressfree]

I allow my son to smoke in the garden and he has to clear his mess away. I don't let the door remain open and he is not supposed to smoke near my other children.

I pick my battles with him (he has mental health problems) and letting him have a fag calms him. To be honest refusing or coming down hard on him he would ignore. In my eyes he is almost a man and although not always acts like it certainly looks it so has no trouble buying them.

[hstar1995]

YABU and YANBU. When I was 13 I went through a rebellious stage and started smoking, my mother (a non smoker) found out. I know for a fact that had she went mad I would have smoked even more to defy her. Instead, she sat me down and calmly told me that it was dangerous and explained all the risks, then told me it was my choice to smoke or not but I couldn't smoke indoors and she wouldn't give me any more money. I stopped myself after a few weeks, as it wasn't so rebellious anymore and I hated the smell. So I think YWBU to let her smoke inside but maybe not come down so hard on her, it may make her do it even more? I know I don't have any children myself so ignore my views if you want but the not strict approach worked for me

[ApocalypseThen]

When my brother started smoking, my mother stopped feeding him on the basis that if he was keen to die a painful death, starvation is quicker, cheaper and less smelly.

He did end up stopping. You don't get into a battle of wills with motherpocalyspe.

[diddl]

TBH, this is a battle that I would be choosing!

Why do these young girls smoke?

Because their friends do? Because it's "cool"?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I can only assume from what you have said that you smoke and you smoke in the house.
I have a 15 YO DD as well and she smokes. I decided to choose my battles and this is not one of them. I can't stop her but I certainly don't encourage her.
I also smoke - not many but I still do sometimes.
There is no way on this planet I would smoke in my house and no way anyone else is allowed to smoke in my house.
Most people wouldn't even think about smoking inside nowadays.
We all know about 2nd hand smoke etc.... and you should not be smoking inside as it makes it a lot worse.
Do NOT allow her to smoke in the house and certainly not in her room - yeuk!!!!

[MonstersDontCry]

It sounds as though you've already made your mind up op.

You keep asking if you think it's okay to let her smoke in the house if she tries to quit. Why would that give her any incentive to quit?

I do feel for you. If ant of my DC started smoking I'd be devastated but I literally would do everything I could to stop them. Letting her smoke in the house is probably the worst thing you could do IMO.

[diddl]

Where does she get the cigarettes from?

I think smoking is disgusting & wouldn't want it in my house or garden tbh.

Doesn't anyone that sells them to her care that she's only 15?

[AmberLeaf]

Tell your DD that it's illegal as she's only 15

That's not true.

It's illegal to sell cigarettes, tobacco or cigarette papers to anyone under 18, but it is not a criminal offence for a person under 18 to smoke

OP I wouldn't allow her to smoke in the house. Don't make it easier for her to continue her addiction.

How does she buy them anyway?

[LayMizzRarb]

With the exception of sanitary products, I would tell her that she has to pay for everything she wants/needs. Mobile phone, clothes, bus fares, magazines, make up.
20 fags are almost £10 a packet now. even if she only gets through a couple of packs a week, that's £80 a month she could be spending on clothes etc.

[Crinkle77]

I would not let her smoke in her room but you can't really stop her from smoking outside of the home. If you let her smoke in the home she will have no incentive to stop. She will just see it as you condoning her smoking. The more you nag at her the more she will smoke. I suppose all you can do is let her know you disapprove but you can't stop it. I am a smoker (35) and I still don't smoke in front of my mum or even go outside when I am hers. I know she does not like it and although she doesn't say anything I feel funny around her doing it.

[KellyElly]

Because I want to keep a strong relationship with my DD, I will allow her to smoke indoors if she tries to stop. Being a parent and saying no to something you don't agree with should not stop you having a strong relationship. You are a parent, not a friend.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

Well, if you think a 'strong relationship' is worth more than her health, then you carry on doing what you'd already decided to do. what nanyogg says. Plus giving in means she will smoke more, if its banned in your house you are doing her a favour as she will have to smoke less. Its madness not to do everything you can to get her to give up unless you want to watch her die young? poison the house with chemicals? make it unhealthy for all the non smoking inhabitants / visitors and if she ever has kids, poison your grandchildren too. You are a fool to give in op but seems like you already made the decision. of course she will say she will give up if it means being able to get away with it at home, are you really that naive?

[Mabelface]

Talk to her and see if she'd be willing to try an ecig instead. They are almost a fashion accessory round by me at the moment, and have reduced the number of smokers dramatically. Oh, and there's a no way to smoking inside the house.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

Ds1 smokes and has done for a few years, my rule was not in the house (he still did on occasion!) and until he turned 18 not in the garden either

[Lemonylemon]

OP: My DS has just turned 16. He has been smoking since he was 14. He used to buy fags off of his school mates. Then he pulled the stunt of hanging around to ask one of his 18 yo friends to buy packs for him. He's now 16. Legal to smoke, not legal to buy. He smokes in the garden. Not in the house. I will not allow him to smoke in the house. I'm an ex smoker and never smoked indoors.

Tell your DD that it's illegal as she's only 15 and refuse to let her smoke on the property. I did this until DS turned 16. I now allow him to smoke in the garden.

[SkinnybitchWannabe]

I would never let anyone smoke in my house (Im an ex smoker).
I would not let a child of mine smoke anywhere on my property..including the garden/porch etc.
You need to find out where shes getting them from because as other MNetters have said its illegal to buy them at her ages.
So what if she doesnt like it, being a parent is not about being friends with our children.

[RoxyFox211]

Yanbu. In my experience strict parents make sneaky kids. At 15 she isn't going to change her mind because you want her to. Your'll just be forcing her outside, quite a pointless exercise as she won't stop. The people I used to hang round with to obtain fags and alcohol before my mum ok'ed it, makes me shudder! I used to go to their flats to have sex too, when I was 13 and they were well in their 20's. I get a lot of shit for this but because of my own experiences I would rather buy a small amount of alcohol and cigarettes for my children if and when they want it in their teens, rather than them hang out with older lads for it.

[waltzingmathilda]

May I?

I smoked. Some would say I am still a smoker . I havent had a cigarette for 6 weeks. I was a 40 a day smoker.

DS1 smokes. He has secretly smoked since he was 13/14. DC2&3 think its the filthy habit (thankfully).

I have bribed DS1 to stop, I've been stolen from.

You wont stop anyone from smoking unless they want to. I mentioned my habit earlier in the post.

I've stopped so I can take the moral high ground. But I know he will continue to smoke for the next 30 odd years until he needs to take a similar stance.

Accept your child smokes. Dont encourage it (I never did) dont fund it, hide your purse and ban it to outside. You wont stop a smoker, its an addictive habit.

[comingintomyown]

I think you are being tolerant enough in not kicking off/limiting allownace etc and this would be a step too far . I think you are hoping that by you being generous with allowing her to smoke inside that she will give more consideration to quitting than she would have done otherwise but it wont work

[StuntGirl]

I think you are allowing your fear that she won't like you to get the better of your parenting.

This.

How reasonable will this plan feel when you're watching your daughter die from lung cancer?

[MrsHoarder]

My DB had a complete breakdown a few years back. Only whilst he was at his most ill was he allowed to smoke in the house. In the back garden, yes, but not in the house. It makes the whole house smell.

I would say if you've done everything you can since she was 12, now is the time to go for damage limitation. Asking her to go into the garden but that you'll turn a blind eye whilst she's there is a sensible compromise.

[mrsjay]

I wouldnt allow her to smoke in the house she maybe smoking but you dont need to allow it or like it in your house she is 15 it is illegal and a filthy disgusting habit I know i smoke I wouldnt allow my dds to smoke in the house,

[Justforlaughs]

I wouldn't allow anyone to smoke in my house and unless you do then I would make that a non negotiable rule. However, some of the posts have made me chuckle, sadly. If you tell her to stop she will ignore you and do it behind your back, keep the lines of communication open, be proud that she can talk to you about this. Tell her to keep track of how many sh smokes and work out how much she is spending on them. Don't enable her to smoke by funding her for anything at all, lunch out/ new clothes/ shoes or whatever. Point out every time she asks that she would have plenty of money for these things if she gave up. I would however, allow her to smoke in the garden (providing there are no younger siblings to be influenced by that)