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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

396 replies

glossyflower · 20/08/2013 08:45

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 21/08/2013 21:17

So he has successfully avoided you since you made your request, I'm betting he mysteriously falls asleep on the bed when he gets out of the bath.

Inertia · 21/08/2013 21:25

Good point Bear.

My money's on an urgent supermarket trip which absolutely won't wait until tomorrow.

Keep being tenacious Glossy :)

Squitten · 21/08/2013 21:27

I thought much the same Bear...

Let's hope we're wrong!

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 21/08/2013 21:36

Oh OP PLEASE make sure you get the passwords ASAP. Your whole thread makes me feel just awful for you.

expatinscotland · 21/08/2013 21:39

glossy, make sure he gives you the passwords!

Charlesroi · 21/08/2013 21:50

Yes, I'll bet the £380 shopping budget includes the cost of buying coffees and lunches, newspapers etc.
I really don't think you should have to do this, but get him to give you the 'shopping money' + £50 and do it online. Buy stuff he can use to make his lunches. I bet you'll have plenty left over for your spending money.

MistressDeeCee · 21/08/2013 22:01

I found this post truly sad. That this man would blatantly use a woman in this way, and just expect to get away with it. Im never quick to say LTB..but on this occasion I do feel that way. Let him see that it will cost him far, far more than £300 monthly to maintain himself in this world. But I have a mind, he'd just find another woman to leech from. I cannot bear meanminded, meanspirited men at all. OP I think you will get fed up of him soon enough, as you can do so much better for yourself.

laeiou · 21/08/2013 22:05

Just to add my voice to the others saying don't open a joint account with him. You could setup a standing order from his account to yours, and pay the bills from your account. Don't give him the opportunity of raiding the joint account. It'll be too tempting.

Also, if you've only been married recently, less than a year, he's treating you incredibly badly. There's no sign of him wanting to change. It might be useful to find our your rights. I am concerned that you could end up with your home remortgaged to the hilt soon, all your careful planning down he drain and our child basically growing up worse off than if you were a single parent. Honestly, he's doing this sort of stuff in the first year? Where's his respect for you, his self-respect?

laeiou · 21/08/2013 22:06

your child, not our child Smile

Bearbehind · 21/08/2013 22:07

glossy what was the theory behind him doing an MA in the first place?

Taking out an £18k loan to study then only earning £16k a year at the end of it is far from ideal.

Did he complete the course? Has he done anything about looking for a better paid job in light of his new qualification?

CorrineFoxworth · 21/08/2013 22:27

Have to agree with ChasedByBees - this man has the potential to ruin you. Happened to me and my DD. My house, my career, credit-rating, gone for good. Eleven years later and there is a tiny chance he might start paying more than £1.80 per week via the CSA.

I wish you all the best.

MistressDeeCee · 21/08/2013 22:46

You'd have to treat a man like that as if he was an irresponsible child. Wrestling control of finances from him, keeping a beady eye on all incomings & outgoings whilst he isnt prepared to pull his weight, etc. Its a complete romance killer. OP whether you eventually get him to leave or he leaves of his own accord, its likely he will make a financial claim on you/house. Mean-ness such as his is a terrible trait. 'straightbananas' has given good advice re. the reality of what could happen here. As said before..you can do so much better than a man like this

LRDPomogiMnyeSRabotoi · 21/08/2013 22:49

bear, it's not unusual for a university to refuse to let you graduate until you pay off all loans.

UseHerName · 21/08/2013 22:53

i would add this joker's name to the deeds of my house!!!!

UseHerName · 21/08/2013 22:54

would NOT ADD this joker's name to the deeds of my house!!!!! not

mumofweeboys · 21/08/2013 23:02

I have a muppet of oh who hid debt ect but I have trained him and it has got better. I would also get his credit file to make sure everything is good before linking yourself financially on paper.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/08/2013 23:36

I just thought I'd note that our entire monthly shopping bill is £380 and while I'm a bit careful, we're not struggling and do buy some luxuries. That's for me, DP and toddler dd and includes all food, alcohol, cleaning and household products and baby stuff (we use reusable nappies in the day, so some saving there).

That's deliveries from asda and ocado and all the bits I buy locally. I know there are threads on here all about shopping bills and thrifty tips, I just thought the coincidence worth mentioning.

Retroformica · 22/08/2013 03:45

You have supported him through college and now post college. He should be ensuring you take a full year off on maternity leave and then also ensuring you only return part time. Presently he is being very selfish and using you. In fact I'd probably give him an ultimatum. Sit down and discuss money now and make a proper contribution now OR go live somewhere else. You should have the same amount if spare money left in your account after paying all bills.

LessMissAbs · 22/08/2013 04:09

Op you have got your head buried in the sand about this. You are actually enabling your dh to be irresponsible. Do you think he loves you, when he is so selfish towards you? Or does he just love the lifestyle you provide him with?

When you get fed up with him, five or ten years down the line, he will have a good claim on your house and possibly worse. You really need an outside perspective on this to drive it home. Would you not consider one appointment with a solicitor to give you a neutral opinion?

I cannot think why it is better to be with a man you have to pay to be with you (which is what you are effectively doing) than single. Unless he has you under control, perhaps not intentionally, but you seem very willing to let this happen. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. And for your dc's future!

MistressDeeCee · 22/08/2013 04:19

Well said, LessMissAbs

appointment with a solicitor to give a neutral opinion is an excellent idea.

As is thinking about dc's future as its not just about the adults here

I really hope OP isnt setting herself up for disaster here

Retroformica · 22/08/2013 04:20

Don't let him be a house husband, he will have a claim on your house if you split. He is clearly wanting a free ride and is useless with money. He likes you to look after the baby, likes you to keep the house and likes you to pay the bills. He shouldn't be frittering his money away on records etc.

Original poster
glossyflower · 22/08/2013 07:12

We he gave me the password - initially two of the digits were the wrong way round but he didn't protest when I told him. (Mixing things up like that is a regular occurrence for him to do).
I checked his statement for the last 4 months and there is nothing I can see of any concern. It really is lots of smaller payments in supermarkets and the occasional payment to amazon or eBay.
Bear in mind he's only just this month started earning £1100. Previously he was bringing home £800 approx.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 22/08/2013 07:27

Glad you got the password and nothin seemed to jump out at you

You need to organise a dd to your account each month for bills and food - def do online

No one wants to think about leaving their partner esp if you love them - but what is happening to you can't carry on - you will get into debt slowly each month and eventually if dh doesn't pay you could end up losing your home (extreme but a possibility) if you can't afford everything

Bearbehind · 22/08/2013 07:35

Glad you got the passwords although the fact that he is frittering away his wages is still scary. In a way it would almost be better if he did have a monthly commitment which reduced his disposable income. Instead he clearly believes he deserves his salary to be for things he wants to have.

That is just mean, which I think is one of the absolute worst traits anyone can have.

What were his aspirations when doing his MA as he doesn't seem to have made it very far up the career ladder since doing it?

I know further education isn't all about earning more but it is about improving your life, which he seems to have done, to a certain extent, but at your expense.

Original poster
glossyflower · 22/08/2013 08:04

His MA is in creative music technology and he is working on film production doing the audio and film scores.
He's done two films and he's working on the third film. He's also recorded and produced several albums and has been abroad to record small festivals and gigs.
Unfortunately it's one of those careers that to begin with you earn next to nothing and it hopefully will improve with time; which is why he needs a full time paying job as well.

OP posts:
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