To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

[glossyflower]

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

koala - I don't know how it manifests itself either.

I can see how dyslexia could account for certain aspects of his behaviour, but not the combination of them - that's the point. Yes, he could fail to keep track of money - but surely that would not go with him claiming to know precisely how much he spends now.

It is simply bollocks that the university did what he claims it did.

What i would be more concerned about for the OP is with his sense of entitlement to having his money, her DH will then agree to what she says and take out more secret credit to fund what he thinks he should rightfully have. This attitude and his secrecy is the main problem i see here. He needs to really agree with you OP and not just pay you lip service while thinking he knows better. And this attitude of course has nothing to do with dyslexia, just pure childish arrogance. This is why it is important to communicate well and be together in this. If you can't be then there may be more trouble ahead i'm afraid. He needs to really mean it and understand fully when you sort this out.

I do wish you luck OP, but please be careful and protect yourself and your baby too.

LRD - i thought the OP said she'd checked with the uni and it confirmed in emails that he was telling the truth. Having worked in a few it really wouldn't surprise me to be honest. And yes, if he knows precisely what he spends then he is more aware than he is making out i would predict. Altho i think if i asked my DH why he had spent £150 in a week on lunch he would be horrified and gasp and say no he hadn't. He could then say 'on Monday i spent £8 in starbucks, £12 in pret, £6 at the station and £4 in marks...' and repeat the for 5 days and then say 'but i haven't spent £150' It makes me want to repeatedly smash my face against the wall - which is why we both get cash out for each week and live on that.

Excuse me if that's true.

I must admit, I'm confused - the university wouldn't be allowed to communicate with her, so I don't see how she could have checked.

What you describe with your DH doesn't sound at all the same to me. You said he'd be horrified and surprised - the OP's DH has responded calmly with the exact amounts he spent, and is only claiming surprise when it comes to the bills she paid.

OP, it breaks my heart to think of you scrimping and saving and bankrolling God knows whatever your husband. Being made to account for fucking ASDA tops while he keeps his whole fucking salary, bar some milk and bread? Utterly revolting.

You are going back to full-time rather than part-time brutal shiftwork (nursing?) when your baby is only six months old because he is unwilling to take care of his own child.

Why do you think so little of yourself?

Your little baby thinks the world of you. Do you want the roof taken from over her head one day by this disrespectful freeloader? His actions do not evince any real love for either of you (sorry).

Please see a lawyer. You need someone impartial but on your side to help you understand how precarious your situation is.

I just want to quickly clarify that it was definitely a mistake on the university's part.
The only reason I found out it hadn't been paid was that I saw an email from the university to inform DH and his replies of how it was going to be paid back.
This was about 4 months into his course, I found out a couple of months after that. I didn't communicate directly with the university myself.

So unless he created an email from the university and sent it to himself and replied to himself, just in case I did find it then it was the university's cock up.

Unless of course because of the cock up he couldn't continue his course and didn't actually complete it...but then I accompanied him when he had his final work to be handed in so I really don't think he would be THAT sneaky.

And he got home from work tonight I just casually said I wanted his banking passwords so I can check the outgoings and he simply said "ok". No arguments or excuses! I said he can have mine too and he said he doesn't need mine, as I thought.

I do value everyone's opinions so thank you

LRD - i thought she had seen their correspondence with him sorry. emails confirming their mistake she said i think. And yes dh may be horrified now, but it took years of him being adamant that was normal and what everyone spends. He would be more horrified it added up to that, than feel bad for spending it. he sees it as just normal necessities and that there is no alternative.

x post :)

glossy - ah, I'm sorry, I'd understood it as being that they'd let him know after he finished. 4 months in I can certainly understand, and I'm sorry I misunderstood before.

But - so he spent 18k in 4 months?! Seriously, this just gets worse and worse.

I am really, really glad he's given you his passwords, and I hope it all turns out to be possible to sort. Best of luck.

Let's wait and see if he gives you the password. Does he only have one account?

How much were his course fees? Yes perhaps the uni cocked up but he should have realised before he spent the money, which I'm assuming was a significant amount!

OMFG- he'd spent the £18k in 4 months!

Seriously glossy re-read your posts as if you were an outsider and you'll see how badly you are being treated.

Insist on getting his passwords tonight. Him agreeing to your 'casual' request is a very long way from him actually coming up with the goods.

I can't remember how much the course fees were but it was a good few thousand.
Yes 18k in a matter of months but he did consolidate a large ish loan and he bought books, equipment and train travel for his lectures too so technically he didn't waste away 18k. How much exactly I'm not sure but at least 7k by my estimation.

No I'm sorry - MAs are expensive he took out a loan in part to pay for it and yet he didn't notice that he hadn't paid several thousand pounds to the university but carried on spending!!

If the university made a mistake then it was his responsibility to hold onto his fees (not spend them)

My DSis was overpaid benefits. She told the DWP that she wasn't entitled to them, they ignored her. She put the overpayment into a saving account until they wanted it back which they've now realised the do.

Even if only £7k was spent on the loan consolidation, books, train fares etc, that still leaves £11k from £18k, right? So wtf has he done with that?!

glossy, I get what you're saying and I can totally imagine his fees might well have been 7k or more. And that he had train fares etc.

What worries me here is, it sounds as if he has an explanation for everything - but you were living together at this stage, right? And yet you don't know exactly where a loan of 18 thousand pounds went, except that (as a couple) you are still paying it off.

That is not right.

Haven't read all the thread, but I've got as far as your post saying you do the housework, look after the baby (as well as pay for everything). You may love him but he will ruin you. Eventually you will tire of being the only responsible one doing everything (potentially when trying to juggle a job and a home life when you want to be at home with your baby). He will saddle you with debt, take half your house and leave you with all the responsibilities. Although if he is the 'SAHD' even in name (even if he's crap at it) he may also leave with custody of your child too.

Please - if you're going to stay with him - you have to safeguard your future financially. See a solicitor and talk through possible outcomes.

I just can't get over how he goes to gigs and you can't afford a haircut when you've bankrolled him for so long. And you're going back to work sooner than you want - that is time you will NEVER get back because he wants your income and isn't prepared to pull his weight in any way. How can you bear to look at him? He's a disgrace.

kitty sorry I meant the other way around, he spent the 11k already and wasted about 7k. Still not acceptable i know.

LRD yes he has an explanation/excuse for everything. And we were living together at that point yes.

I have told him that the loan, although I know he has to pay it, doesn't impact on what he should pay for household expenditure. Even if he lived back with his parents he'd still have to contribute toward the costs of living as well as pay back his loans.

I haven't got his banking passwords yet but I will make sure I get them.
He had only one current account and one credit card. The credit card statement is by post, which I open and file because he just leaves them laying around unopened.
There's been nothing major on the credit card statements that I have seen.

Ok have now caught up. I'm not even going to comment on the gas lighting.

He was shocked by your true outgoings, saw how it was going to leave you in financial difficulty but his first thoughts were not shame at how he's been taking the piss but arguments about how/why it should be prolonged. It's always been this way, you bought clothes. Come on. Are you really not angry at him? I am.

Also, there would be no shame in a marriage lasting less than a year - particularly if it meant you kept the house and safeguarded your child's future.

Yes I am angry with him and pissed off.

So.... have the passwords manifested yet? If not, why not? Go and get them!

Sorry if I sound harsh. I just think it sounds like he's using you big time, intentionally or not

Not yet squitten... He got home from work, cooked our tea. He ate his tea while I settled the baby to bed. She's a bit unsettled as she had her vaccinations today, so it took longer. I'm now eating my tea. DH is in the bath. After tea I desperately need to express as my boobs are about to burst! Then I will get the passwords as soon as we manage to sit down together. I'll let you know the outcome!

Not at all, I appreciate the input