To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

[glossyflower]

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

He was surprised at your outgoings, and seems like he's got nothing in particular to hide. I get what everyone is saying about guarding your interests and those of your child, particularly not opening a joint account. But I suspect he's just crap with money, and never been forced to accept that. Spending the loan was the university's fault, not his, after all! He may be in denial, being forced to confront reality.

My suggestion would be to find time to go through the last few months of statements (yours and his) and write down what has been spent on what. Then add in any big one-offs not in the statements. Between you, decide on a budget going forward (whether you decide to have spending money equal, proportional to income, equal minus loan repayments, whatever. Just agree it.)

Then (and only then) decide how you are going to achieve this - what money comes into which account, where are bills paid from, should you restrict yourself to spending only cash and if so how much do you take out and when, do you need a per-item consultation limit.

If he goes along with it and you make it work - hooray! Starting with spending the limited amount of cash in his pocket, he might get more of a handle on budgeting, you never know. And if it doesn't work or he sabotages it, you can decide what to do then.

I thought the MA might be this sort of thing. OP it sounds like he's a dreamer, success is always just nearly in reach. I think you'll find he's going to continue living like a single person if you allow him to avoid his responsibilities. The lifestyle he wants is fine but he had a family. So you get to shorten your maternity leave and work more hours and have less disposable income because it's more important that he follows his dream than you do, and his dream isn't realistic with a baby. If he agrees to cut down on spending and be responsible I think you'll find its short-lived. He needs to buy music, attend concerts etc for his career! Why are you bring so unreasonable! You have never supported him! You used to be exciting, now you just talk about not having money for nappies.... I fear it'll wear you down.

OP I may sound harsh but I say this with some knowledge of working in the business.

glossy, just moving away from the finances thing for a bit (I'm glad that there was nothing too untoward there. It must be a relief) but the way you described how you spent last night is another telling sign of his view on the world. He was sat having his dinner whilst you were trying to settle your baby. You eventually got to eat and he went and had a bath. You then had to express and then sort out finances. He did...well what he wanted and didn't really help you at all. Do you really want to live with someone who is prepared to go and have a bath whilst you are running around sorting out your child, the food, your financial lives? It shows massive amounts of disrespect.

I work in the music biz too OP (for 26 years now) - specifically with producers.

There are a lot of people with BA's and MA's in all kinds of music biz related areas. It can be a very hard place to make a living especially on the creative side. Yes if you do OK you can earn a good living. But for every one person that does well there are plenty who don't.

Whatever he is doing is actually irrelevant WRT his finances though. he must pay he way - end of. At the moment he is hugely taking to piss.

How are you getting on re the maternity leave? have you worked out you can take the longer leave you want if he pays his way? have you confronted him about that? Or are you still seething inside?

If you can take those extra months please do - they won't come round again.

In a year's time mountains will still be there to climb. Campsites will still be there. Bands will still be playing gigs.

You have just one opportunity for maternity leave with this baby.

As a family you need to establish what the family priorities are and plan finances accordingly.

scallops yes well that is an everyday occurrence in our house on a weekday evening. Although he did ask me if I minded he have a bath.

becool Realistically I can't go back part time, although I could do part time and just do bank shifts (yes I'm a nurse in a hospital) as when I please.

laeiou yes I agree, it will wear me down which is why I told him things need to change starting now.

To be honest, I have decided to go back full time to begin with, so I can get back on my feet and save so by the time next baby comes along I can take the whole year off with both children.

He apologised again to me last night, he said he was so defensive about it because of the way I told him, rather than what I told him.

Here's hoping we can work things out from now on.

"he was so defensive about it because of the way I told him, rather than what I told him."
Ah so it's YOUR fault OP.
Thought so

Hmmm....I just logged onto to his online banking account again and I can't log on, I got locked out.
Either I inputted the wrong details (twice) or he's changed it.
I just texted him to ask if he's changed it or not.

I hope things improve for you OP and that he can become more responsible.

I realised that I had such a visceral reaction last night as the situation reminded me of my ex. I was a student and my boyfriend worked but somehow I was the one who paid all the bills and rent - he was never quite organised enough to have the money. He also wouldn't eat unless I cooked - he was so laid back it just didnt occur to him. Things he said showed that he also thought all the housework was my responsiblilty (on the odd occasion he washed up he'd say things like, "I've done the washing up for you ")

He acted like a total man child and by the time I ended it I was in debt, I moved out and found new deposits (as he was of course too hopeless to arrange anything) and the stress left me with agoraphobia which took an age to get over.

I also was a bit of a rescuer and took responsibility for others. It didnt help me or him though.

I still feel a huge amount of resentment towards him and myself for putting up with it.

Anyway, that was my situation and I apologise for being strong in my reaction. I hope that you can make this work. He will need to change - you can't make him so he needs to want to do it. I do wonder if he can do that because its the right thing or whether he'll need the threat of consequences. I hope he can do it because its the right and respectful way to behave.

X post. Not good.

He's just replied to say he hasn't changed it and to be careful in case it gets blocked. Oops too late.
Maybe it was my mistake he said when he gets home tonight he will sort it out.

OP, please be careful. I think you need to be distrustful of everything he says regarding money. It's not your fault for raising the subject and he may have now conveniently changed his passwords. Please don't just take what he says at face value. He's got an excuse for everything.

So he's shite with money. Well, you already knew that

Budget time. Seriously. Go on Money Saving Expert, or just Google it and download one. Amend it to your personal circumstances. You both need to be paying equal or pro rata amounts to cover all essential living costs. That's non-negotiable and he has to agree to that. The you both need to put some in savings. Then you both get to split what's left, either equally or pro rata, however you decide to do it.

He will find it difficult to budget at first if he's never done it before, but it gets easier. In our house we work out what we need to spend for the month ahead out of of 'spends' (and spending money is drawn out on pay day so we have no reason to add anything on our cards, it's very easy to keep spending on your card).

So for example, in September we have one birthday night out for a friend, two events, and a staff leaving do to go to. We know those are coming so we allocate our money accordingly, and try to make sure we have enough left over for other things that crop up throughout the month. Sometimes we don't have enough left over to do things like random trips to the pub or cinema, but that's life sometimes.

I hope you can get something sorted. It's incredibly unfair for you to shoulder the burden of all financial responsibility while he gets to spend the majority of his (extremely decent) wages on himself.

I'm getting out my crystal ball. He will try to convince you that you locked his account, that is terrible and maybe you shouldn't have the passwords again.

If I'm right, call my Mystic Terry from now on.

Lol. I will let you know!

I dont know about anybody else but if it was me having to micro manage someone to this extent would be a complete turn off.
IMO he is being financially abusive.

Have read the whole thread and you've had some great and really useful feedback. I'd just like to make some observations.

The FAIR outcome of all of this in a normal healthy relationship is that after household expenses you have the same "spends" on a monthly basis. As your respective incomes increase or decrease, your respective spends do too.

You are married and a team in theory at least. Practice is another thing altogether whether by design, deceit or incompetence. As your respective incomes increase or decrease, your respective spends do too.

However, there are other considerations before signing up to equal spends:
Does he deserve it and why should you contribute even more than you currently do in a relationship of unequal contribution and gaslighting?

He has been financially incompetent and spanked a substantial amount of money up the wall. Repayment of that should come out of his "spends" for the foreseeable. You might need to adjust his disposable income slightly so he has something to live off but only slightly. Let him get some overtime/bar work/wedding video editing/ whatever if necessary to bring in some extra cash. Only by dealing with the pain threshold of having little or no spare cash will there be any incentive for him to work harder, or do childcare to offset the cost to the family and square things up a little.

He makes little contribution at home if you are doing all the childcare and household stuff "because you are on mat leave". I see posters on here every day discussing the difficulties of getting childcare as a nurse doing shift work. Start doing some careful planning now so that he does not become a SAHD. It doesn't sound like it would be a healthy answer for either of you.

He is a financial moron to put it nicely. A fritterer. Someone who spends the "change" and wonders where it has all gone by the end of the week. Plenty of people are like this - there are techniques to improving their behaviour - hand him £50 in cash a week and that's his limit. That coffee in Starbucks is going to look pretty pricey if he has to save for a Glastonbury ticket out of £50 a week. Only do shopping on line. No cashback Etc etc. You get the picture. You will get plenty of people on here telling you to LT Manchild but there are thousands of women and men all over the country who manage all the family finances because their other half is an idiot with money. You can take up the reins without being a financial abuser. Whether or not you want to take on this role in your marriage will point you towards it's likely success.

You are already planning another child with this man and that's when you will take your full mat leave? If he were not about would you be taking your full year now? Be financially better off ? Unless you want to be a single mum of 2, tread carefully until you are happy that he is wising up and growing up to his financial and parental responsibilities.

YY TerryPratchett i was thinking EXACTLY the same.

He's just replied to say he hasn't changed it and to be careful in case it gets blocked. Oops too late.
Maybe it was my mistake he said when he gets home tonight he will sort it out.

.
Oh yes OP, you can put money on it being your mistake. Not his money, obviously. Just your own.

Be careful in case it gets blocked.

Wow, he's good. For somebody so apparently inept, he's set this up so that you are locked out and it appears to be your fault and he'll insist that you can't be trusted with the passcodes again.

Dude. He changed the passwords.

Wow! I wish I could be more positive here, glossy, but if you only knew how common a scenario this is . . .

I agree, Inertia, this guy's pretty good.

You can only have been locked out if he gave you the wrong password, or changed it - that's blatantly obvious, isn't it?

I think you should present him with a list of his costs of living as a single man. Much higher than paying half your shared living costs, or a his share proportional to income. Make that the start of a conversation about the benefits and responsibilites of family life.

I'd certainly treat his debt as pre-spent 'fun' money because it was, so that's the budget line it comes out of. on his side only. All this crap about books and train commutes. He'd budgeted for those before he signed up for his course and agreed his loan. Then he pissed away his course fees and the extra £5k you know he didn't need. He did that, not the bank or the university (but go on, I dare him to try to persuade them they were responsible and should give it back!).

lottie since she got in last time, he has changed the password. While he was out. Then she tries the old password and it doesn't work. But I'm cynical.