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Original poster

To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

396 replies

glossyflower · 20/08/2013 08:45

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/08/2013 16:39

'I almost feel like saying for him to contribute £400 and I will take care of all the finances including shopping (not personal finances), would that work?'

If you're happy playing the adult in this relationship, for good. Or, as SGB often puts it, keeping him as a pet.

How that is helping you, I have no idea.

For better, for worse is a two way street because the vows are also about loving, honouring and RESPECTING one another. Being deceitful and gaslighting is not respecting a person.

You need full transparency and both contributing a fair proportion towards everything, otherwise, all you've got is a lodger whom you shag.

Absy · 21/08/2013 16:47

You're still being a team, but one that plays to the individuals' strengths and weaknesses. He obviously has an issue with financial planning (and has demonstrated as much), whereas it is something you are stronger on so you should manage it "for the team".

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2013 16:52

They're not a team.
Not by any definition I've ever come across.

He's playing you, OP.

Spindelina · 21/08/2013 16:58

If you do take all responsibility, make sure this can't be repeated (by accident or design). His credit card limit needs to be £500. He mustn't have an arranged overdraft. Etc.

BeCool · 21/08/2013 17:03

'I almost feel like saying for him to contribute £400 and I will take care of all the finances including shopping (not personal finances), would that work?'

Whilst doing this can be a matter of playing to each member of the teams strength, the sting in the tail is when he get pissed off about financial matters, it is all too easy for this anger etc to them be directed towards the family financial controller.

BlehPukeVomit · 21/08/2013 17:17

Is he 'spending' £380 a month at the supermarket because he is getting cashback ??? Hmm

Ie £180 on food and £200 on instant cash

MrsKoala · 21/08/2013 17:59

Agree with others, you must see the statements. Also £380 on expensive 'bits' picked up from the shop, which is for your own lunch and you cannot construct a meal out of, is not acceptable, it is a luxury someone in so much self inflicted debt cannot afford.

StuntGirl - my point was was based around an assumption OP was going to continue putting up with it when she had said she wasn't.

The idea of him giving you that money may work OP (but you still need to be able to check his finances - he may then go out and get a loan or credit to buy the nice things he is used to as he sounds like he can't see why this has to change and it is soooo unfair etc). And as Expat points out it can feel a bit pet-like. But i do think there is a middle way. I control all finances but i still include my (dyslexic, aspergers) DH in on it. If we need something i will do the research and say 'we need x which costs y' and his face will drain of colour, then i will say the options are 'we do m,n or o - these are the pros and cons of each'. Then we will agree together which one to do. If i just said 'right you are in charge of sorting x', then we'd be in trouble. I know it's not ideal. But it is something you accept with people with SN or challenges in certain areas. People on here find it hard to believe any adult cannot do these things. But i would like to point out all those dc we have with SN/dyslexia/dyscalclia do grow up to become adults, and would you really want someone to never love them because they are bad with money? The key point being if they can acknowledge this and accept support. If not then they are arrogant and the relationship will be hard anyway. If they can then i do think it is worth giving them the opportunity to help themselves and accept they need to relinquish control of some things.

StuntGirl · 21/08/2013 18:08

Why are you asking him to contribute just 40% of his income towards living costs? Will you also get to keep 60% of your income to spend how you please?

MrsKoala · 21/08/2013 18:14

Personally i would check his credit and statements. If all generally okay. Open joint acc. All money goes in, all bills - including his loan repayment, food and phone etc - come out. Then agree to save some and the rest be split. I think he has been too deceptive to trust him any other way. It's the only way that works for us.

expatinscotland · 21/08/2013 18:14

This man does not have SN, Koala, that is an entirely different discussion, not pertinent to this woman's predicament at all.

This man is deliberately trying to hide something from the OP.

MrsKoala · 21/08/2013 18:20

He has dyslexia which is a massive barrier to understanding finances Expat. Having taught loads of dyslexic children about budgeting etc when i worked with a SENCO i do think it is relevant actually.

And i have agreed he needs to be transparent too. The deception is unacceptable. But from personal experience i know that people can be deceptive if they think they may 'get in trouble' whether they will or not. No one can know till it is all out in the open. People who struggle with finances often have cultivated years of subterfuge and cover ups to hide admitting how hard they find it.

So I do think my post is pertinent actually, but thanks for your always insightful critiques.

expatinscotland · 21/08/2013 18:40

My husband has severe dyslexia. Oddly enough, it's never been an excuse for financially exploiting a person, gaslighting them and being deceitful.

But thanks for the rather lame attempt at sarcasm.

Bearbehind · 21/08/2013 18:53

OP, you would be completely insane to link your finances with this man by opening a joint account until you know the extent of his liabilities. You could have an account in your name which he paid into which would achieve the same purpose without linking you financially.

You can only credit check yourself and this will bring up joint debts but if you don't have anything in joint names, it won't tell you anything. It isn't true that you can see all the debts of people at the same address.

The most disturbing point in your conversation with him was the fact he denied ever paying £300 a month. If he can blatantly lie to you about something you know to be the truth, how much reliance can you place on any other word he utters...........

MrsKoala · 21/08/2013 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LRDPomogiMnyeSRabotoi · 21/08/2013 19:02

He does have SN, but I agree with expat, there is a huge difference between what he is doing, and what dyslexia might account for.

It is possible he is hugely embarrassed about being crap with money, but that wouldn't explain how he seems to be extremely good at manipulating his wife into thinking she is the one being financially unfair.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think he's simply lying to the OP. The story about the MA payments simply doesn't add up - I don't believe for a moment it was a university admin cock-up. Him pulling out precise figures but refusing to show the OP his account also sounds like more lies.

It's fine to be crap at figures, god knows I am. It's fine to be scared because you've run up a debt and you don't know how to get out of the situation. It's not fine to keep lying to your wife when you've been rumbled.

expatinscotland · 21/08/2013 19:06

Wind your neck in, Koala. Belligerent? You've jumped down other posters on here, saying they were unfair. Yet when someone disagrees with you you get your knickers in a twist.

LOL. It's an internet board, but you're free to get yourself tied in your knot over it as you wish.

I haven't called this OP's spouse any names, but have found his behaviour at extreme fault and pointed that out.

And that's the crux of the matter, not SN or his poor financial capabilities but his behaviour, neither of which SN or poor financial ability is an excuse for.

MrsKoala · 21/08/2013 19:08

Oh god. I KNOW. (sorry for shouting) Once more for the record. I never said having dyslexia was carte blanche to behave dreadfully. I said it may be why he needs support with finances - end of. His behaviour completely separately to the the day to day finances is totally unacceptable. He needs to be completely apologetic and transparent for the massive fuck ups he has caused - NOT due to dyslexia but, as i said upthread - either arrogance or deceit.

MrsKoala · 21/08/2013 19:12

Yes belligerent Expat, and often upsetting and offensive. Which is a shame because in amongst the bile is usually very good valid points.

I said StuntGirl was possibly being unfair (hardly jumping down their throat) when she implied the OP was happy to put up with situation (can't scroll back sorry) when the OP was clearly not happy to, she was asking for advice and saying she was definitely going to change it. That is all i said.

MrsKoala · 21/08/2013 19:17

I didn't get my 'knickers in a twist' about you disagreeing with me i got answered when you told me my point was not pertinent. I think it is, and therefore i defended and explained that view point. The fact that OP has also agreed with me about the challenges of dyslexia possibly being a reason her DH struggles understanding money, also made me think it was relevant.

LRDPomogiMnyeSRabotoi · 21/08/2013 19:29

But dyslexia doesn't really match up with how he's acting with money, does it?

How would he be able to remember - or claim to remember - a precise figure in his account, if he's unable to notice he's burnt through 18k? And why would he be sure the university admin made a (deeply unlikely) mistake? It doesn't hang together.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/08/2013 19:31

seems very dodgy that he wont show you his bank account

i wouldnt do a joint account with him for the moment as will mean he could take money out of it that you need for bills, plus his bad credit will be linked to you

i also wouldnt put him on the deeds, if you did spilt up your house could become half his

i dont think you should put all your money into one account, pay bills then share the left, you earn a lot more then him

work out bills (as you have) and both put in money but work out % of wages, so maybe both put in 50% of wages, if that would cover it

LindyHemming · 21/08/2013 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ratbagcatbag · 21/08/2013 19:37

Ok, I'm sure ill be told this is wrong, but could you get an experian report online in his name? So fill in all the details etc and see what comes up under his name? I'd do it if I was that concerned too see what was happening.

Bearbehind · 21/08/2013 19:41

Not sure the OP should do something that is more than likely illegal ratbag- she should just insist on him checking his own report.

MrsKoala · 21/08/2013 19:46

LRD - I have no idea how this mans dyslexia manifests itself and totally agree his behavior is suspicious. I can see how someone who doesn't understand money would not check their account and keep taking money out without adding it all up. (my ex did this and went horribly overdrawn and said - but i thought money would stop coming out when it ran out). My DH will find it very hard to understand how lots of £30 will add up to £300. He knows the facts, but finds it very hard in reality. And as for the remembering money - I know my DH can only remember certain things which seem 'important' enough to imprint, like one account balance but not all 5 of ours, or one he checked more recently. So he can check the account and remember the number hours later, but will take money out and not do the sums to deduct it - if that makes sense. Or even worse paying on switch - which is a black hole of money. This is why we have just one joint account now.

Both of my dyslexic partners have over relied on 'authority' figures always being correct. So if a uni (or any professional 'company') said they were taking the money out, it would be gospel they had. Then all the rest suerly must be what was left over. Yes it is incredibly frustrating. But not always total bullshit. Of course none of us know if he spent it in some Machiavellian scheme to con OP. I am just saying it isn't totally unheard of for these situations. (i have had a similar one with DH and council tax payments)