To expect my partner to come to parties with me?

[atrcts]

My husband has begun declining invites to social/family events that he is not interested in.

They are always relating to someone in my life, my friend, my family - last week it was with our son attending a friends birthday party, where everyone else's Dad was there, our son's wasn't, and this week it was my Mum's birthday party but he didn't join me at the family gathering.

His reasons are; last week he just didn't want to go as it was during the day and he said it didn't interest him, e had better ways to spend his day than at a child's party, and that the child's Mum is my friend, not his.

This week he was attending AA (he's an alcoholic) and keeps saying he's not struggling with drink at present but chose to go here instead of to my family party because that's what he does on the same night of the week and didn't want to change it. He could have gone a different night though (they're run every day of the week) and there was no booze at the party as my Mum is also teetotal, so it wouldn't have been a temptation.

I'm feeling like he's increasingly being selfish about not attending anything that just doesn't suit him, which always seems to be anything to do with me!

I am always going to events that he organises though, out of support for him, even of it doesn't interest me.

Am I being unreasonable to look for some of that in return?

[FredFredGeorge]

FrancescaBell No - I don't see any unfairness in that scenario - social functions are not family obligations, they're things you choose to do, so no only the members of the family who choose to do it should have to do it.

If he was taking free time while actual obligations were being done then that would be unfair, but going to parties are not obligations!

[ilovesooty]

Other threats and causes?
What might those be Francesca?
Addiction treatment doesn't involve the compromise or expectations you speak of.He is not treating himself to cbild free time. IIf his journey to sobriety isn't prioritised there will be no family unit left. And he is also working hard and accessing support.

[TwoStepsBeyond]

Fred, as a parent, taking your DCs to parties IS an obligation. Yes, we could all decide that as we don't want to spend 2 hours surrounded by squealing kids in a soft play centre we won't take them, but that's not very fair on the child. As a mum I often have to put myself out and do things I don't want to do for my children, your point seems to be that dads don't have to do the same (btw, this was also my ex's POV, hence he is now an ex).

[FrancescaBell]

I think parties that children want to attend (and would feel disadvantaged if they didn't) are family and parental obligations.

As parents, we all go to things our children enjoy but we do not. Parents who refuse to take their children to those events or outings, or who abdicate that responsibility to their co-parent, are chronically selfish in my view.

[ilovesooty]

Francesca while I have now understood why the OP could have done with him being there you obviously have little understanding of addiction treatment, and the support needed in the family. The price of failure is far more significant than children's need to go to parties. I acknowledge that the experience is hard for the family but the treatment and his needs at this point need to come first for everyone's sake.

[FrancescaBell]

I've already suggested other threats and causes, but don't want to labour them because it's up to the OP whether she considers them as valid threats.

Put simply, being a recovering alcoholic does not preclude a person from being selfish, entitled, unfaithful or succeptible to other addictions in addition to their problems with alcohol.

People's individual personalities also have an impact on behaviour; they are not one-dimensional characters defined only by their addiction.

This is true of any condition. Personality and character traits will always influence how people behave, whether they have an addiction or illness or not.

[ilovesooty]

TwoStepsBeyond I assume though that your ex was not an addict in recovery?

[ilovesooty]

As I thought, Francesca you simply don't get it.

[FrancescaBell]

As it happens, I know several addiction counsellors ilovesooty and none of them espouses the somewhat unilateral view that you are expressing on this thread. They tend to look at the situation holistically and how personality and character has an influence on addiction and recovery.

[atrcts]

ilovesooty - where do you draw the line between using AA as an excuse to be even more selfish because it suits you, or between fulfilling the role of a parent (which involves some sacrifice along the way), without compromising your recovery?

Playing devils advocate here: You know how some people with an illness will use it for any excuse to wriggle out of anything that doesn't tickle their fancy, could this ever be the same with someone fighting addiction?

And by the way I am not saying people with an illness do that, just saying some can. If anyone is allowed to say this it's me, as I have multiple sclerosis which is an incurable degenerative disease!

[atrcts]

ah! FranchesaBell, I see you already answered my post. In fact you seem to have answered it as I was typing the question out!

[ilovesooty]

I didn't say that personality and character does not influence recovery. Please don't attribute something to me that I haven't said.

I assume your counsellor acquaintances have only expressed their opinions in general terms due to client confidentiality so you can't say how they would view this situation on the information we have.

[CogDat]

I think yanbu, and I'm very surprised so many people think you are.
Plenty of times we might rather do our own thing, but in a family, everyone should fulfill their obligations, to keep the unit happy overall. Attending events at the in laws, or going to a party where you will be expected to herd the DC for hours, it might not be your favourite choice of a Saturday activity, but you owe it. Give and take.

[ilovesooty]

With regard to where the line gets drawn I think it has to be a case by case basis. AA as it progresses will hopefully enable him to be increasingly open with you and he'll make progress in terms of social interaction.

[ilovesooty]

By that I mean participating socially and in family life should form part of his goal setting within the framework of a structured recovery plan and you should have input into it.

[atrcts]

Yes I am hoping that he will progress a bit - based on his disclosure that he can be overwhelmed by the newness f actually FEELING emotions and not having them be dumbed down by alcohol anymore.

I think the 12 steps seems to be about examining your own moral behaviour, and I'm hoping he may see that partnership and parenting will need to involve the sacrifice of compromise at times.

It's a waiting game and a case of seeing where it all lands. and of course I don't want to be jumping on his back over unreasonable everyday things, however not do I want to struggle on holding it all together and being the only giver.

[FrancescaBell]

I'm not misquoting you ilove but telling you the impression I'd gained from your posts.

In fact I agree that it's impossible to say how every alcoholic will behave in recovery, precisely because people are individuals with their own set of character and personality traits. Hence it's right that people are treated on a case-by-case basis.

Where I think we disagree is in our advice to the OP in terms of how she should approach it. I profoundly disagree for example that this man's needs should come first every time.

It's up to the OP to weigh up any conflicting advice she gets on this thread and to decide (with her personal knowledge of everyone involved) what are the best next steps.

Perhaps we can focus on that and not who is 'right'?

[MonstersDontCry]

YANBU. My DPis like this too and it pisses me off. If he knows my family are coming round he always goes out. Im always getting asked where he is and I have to make pathetic excuses for him. I'm always doing things I don't want to. For example, tomorrow, we are driving 3 hours with a toddler and a new-born to visit his overbearing aunty. I really don't want to go, but I will as it will look odd if I don't.

Although I do think you are being unreasonable about the AA meeting/your mums birthday. Maybe he likes to see the same people every week for support.

[FredFredGeorge]

If you believe parties are obligations, then they should be split, and not both parents going that's grossly wasteful of time, and completely pointless to put both of you out when it could be only one! You certainly don't need 2 parents to watch your child at a soft play, indeed it would be a lot better if there was only 1.

[FrancescaBell]

Maybe you need to accept that lots of families like spending time together as a whole family unit?

But this has got nothing to do with the party the OP has described, which was an event for adult friends and children. Her husband was the only parent not in attendance, when he had no other clashing arrangement.

[atrcts]

Where does soft play come into it? It wasn't soft play!!!!! That would have been much easier and not obvious that my husband wasn't there, and much less need for other parents to keep bailing my little boy out!

[TwoStepsBeyond]

ILoveSooty no, he wasn't an alcoholic but he did have other issues which he used to get out of anything that didn't appeal, but then conveniently got over them when it was something similar that benefitted him.

I know there are several layers to this situation, I'm just trying to say that whatever the cause of the problem, if the end result is that OP is feeling isolated and wishing her DP was more involved he needs to listen. His needs are important but he's not the only one with needs in the family.

Sorry OP I think I introduced the soft play in response to someone else's post, as an example of when many mums would rather not have to be involved with kids' parties, but you can't always say "I don't want to go, so I'm not going" - you do it anyway because the kids will enjoy it.

With your family party set-up there is even more reason for your DP to have been there I agree.

[ilovesooty]

Fair enough Francesca.

[FredFredGeorge]

TwoStepsBeyond I agree there are occasions when the kids would miss out by not going, but they aren't occasions where both are forced to go - they're times when one of the parents has to go, and they can be swapped off while the other does more productive things.

That wasn't the suggestion for the thread - visiting your parent etc. aren't such occasions.

[cafecito]

I agree with FredFred and sooty