To expect my partner to come to parties with me?

[atrcts]

My husband has begun declining invites to social/family events that he is not interested in.

They are always relating to someone in my life, my friend, my family - last week it was with our son attending a friends birthday party, where everyone else's Dad was there, our son's wasn't, and this week it was my Mum's birthday party but he didn't join me at the family gathering.

His reasons are; last week he just didn't want to go as it was during the day and he said it didn't interest him, e had better ways to spend his day than at a child's party, and that the child's Mum is my friend, not his.

This week he was attending AA (he's an alcoholic) and keeps saying he's not struggling with drink at present but chose to go here instead of to my family party because that's what he does on the same night of the week and didn't want to change it. He could have gone a different night though (they're run every day of the week) and there was no booze at the party as my Mum is also teetotal, so it wouldn't have been a temptation.

I'm feeling like he's increasingly being selfish about not attending anything that just doesn't suit him, which always seems to be anything to do with me!

I am always going to events that he organises though, out of support for him, even of it doesn't interest me.

Am I being unreasonable to look for some of that in return?

[atrcts]

Thanks wouldyouliketoknow

It's easy to be derailed and you've brought it back to the original point.

I saw it was leading elsewhere but because I am interested in exploring more of his alcoholism (not had much chance to yet, though intend to get to alanon one of these days), so I let myself be led that way.

But I appreciate you for seeing where I am coming from

[Blistory]

I don't think anyone posting that he should really go to these events really understands what it's like to be shy or introverted.

It's not a matter of just supporting you. You might find these events a bit of a chore, OP, but ultimately you'd probably enjoy it. An introvert will go to please you but will find it excruciating. There is no enjoyment not because it's a chore, but because it's distressing, it's difficult and it reinforces all the negative thoughts that you have about yourself.

It's okay to be gregarious and outgoing in society but it's somehow antisocial to be quieter and introverted.

Can you imagine being tongue tied with people that you speak to every day and that you can converse with okay on a 1-1 basis ? Can you imagine standing there thinking that everyone is looking at you wondering why you're not being more sociable ? Can you imagine dreading someone asking you a question because your brain filters every answer and then you realise you've been standing apparently mute for 5 minutes ? Can you imagine what it's like to realise that it's been 2 hours and you haven't said a word ? Because you brain is processing what you should be saying and what you should be doing but nothing comes out of your mouth or what does is awkward and stilting. It's suffocating and paralysing and the only relief comes when the crowd diminishes or you leave. Alcohol gets you through these situations and disguises it.

And it weirdly doesn't apply to every situation. You have nothing invested in a stranger so what does it matter if they think you're a bit strange. It's easier to speak in a group where you're an expert in the subject, i.e. alcoholism. And yet, a group of friends and family on a lazy Sunday afternoon can be intimidating.

I think if he's an introvert then you have to try to understand what it's like for him - he might genuinely want to support you but the cost to his mental well being is just too much, particularly when he's a recovering alcoholic.

[atrcts]

Blistory - I wish you could meet him, he's definitely not an introvert!!!!!

But even the most extrovert of us can feel self conscious given the right environment, and I'm sure we all feel more relaxed with a skin full!

[FrancescaBell]

I didn't get the impression he was an introvert either.

Nor did I get the impression that you were in the habit of attending children's parties as the sole adult.

Mainly because you gave no impression whatsoever of either.

Baffling how these threads go.

You've said consistently that this is new and recent behaviour.

There is of course a reason for that.

[CinnabarRed]

Extrovert doesn't mean outgoing - it means that you recharge your batteries from company. Equally, introverted doesn't mean shy or self-conscious - it means that you recharge your batteries from soliture. You can be the life and soul of the party but still be an introvert if attending the party costs you more 'energy' than you get back from it.

With respect, I don't agree with either your or WYLTK's assessment that he can just move his AA day willy-nilly. Neither do I think that his alcoholism is a red herring.

I do urge you to make the time to do to AlAnon. I know it's hard with other commitments, but really try. Hell, I know this is patronising (not even that it sounds patronising, it is patronising, I'm sorry for that) but I don't get the sense from your posts that you understand alcoholism at all. And why should you, it's only been touching your life for a relatively short time. But you owe it to youself, your DCs and your husband to understand his boundaries and struggles. Both to know what he can acheive, and what he can't- and when he's confusing the two, either deliberately or unconciously. Don't let him get away with swinging the lead, but equally don't demand of him what he can't give.

[WingDefence]

OP I think YANBU. I also think that if you had posted with different examples than a family do for a son's birthday and your DMum's event that clashed with an AA meeting you would have got a different majority response.

Saying that, it looks like you've had some good advice re the AA attendance from other posters so hopefully you've got something from that.

I still think you're not BU though. Next time it's an event that he doesn't 'feel like he gets anything out of', perhaps remind him of events you've attended to support him socially or that you didn't 'get anything from' and ask if he minds if you don't bother going to those in future? It would be a shame though if you started to lead increasingly separate lives.

One question, do you tell your DH that people ask after him at these events and if so, what does he say?

[OTheHugeManatee]

I'm with Cinnabar and Blistory on this, a bit. Though I'm outspoken, confident, a good public speaker and would not come across as an introvert, I will sometimes make excuses to avoid family gatherings on DH's side.

I show up enough to fly the flag and not look rude, but they gather a LOT and sometimes the last thing I want to do is sit around making chit-chat, unable to get away from DH's large, friendly, noisy extended family. They are lovely people; I just struggle to cope with all of them for long periods.

Equally, though, if he is opting out of all family/husband type appearances save the ones on his side then that's not really fair and I think you're within your rights to ask him to show up with you, even if it's not all the time.

I think the key really is: is he turning up enough to not appear rude? If so, or it's borderline, perhaps it would be worth talking to your DH a bit more to understand his rationale for avoiding some gatherings? I don't think this situation is clearcut YABU or HIBU but more one that you need to sort out by having an open, empathetic kind of discussion about and try to meet each other in the middle.

[Blistory]

Sorry, it was just that you referred to him earlier as socially shy.

I can meet someone one to one and the last thing they would describe me as is shy or introverted. I am, however, both those things.

Meet me at a party and you'd call me antisocial. And I'm not, it's just that I'm dying inside and it doesn't matter what the event is. Funerals, weddings, parties - it takes all my courage and will power to attend and I'm only doing it because it's expected of me. Society welcomes the life and soul even if they are loud and obnoxious but it judges and condemns those of us who are quieter as being selfish and antisocial.

And there is no rhyme nor reason as to what events trigger my need to make my excuses and not go. I just wondered if he's reached a point where he's realised that, without the crutch of alcohol, these events may well be too much for him.

But I do understand why it's frustrating for you - society also expects couples to attend events as a couple and attending without your spouse or partner is seen as some sort of statement.

[Bowlersarm]

YANBU.

I would hate to keep turning up at social events by myself without DH. It's hardly being part of a loving couple.

Could you get him to compromise and go to those that really matter to you, and maybe skip the ones you don't mind going to alone? You need to speak to to him seriously if he's becoming increasingly not keen to support you socially.

I don't think you're wrong, OP, AA meeting or not. I'd hate it.

[cafecito]

I agree AA non negotiable

Francesca. I really feel sorry for OP's DH I don't think it's necessary to say he's having an affair? Of course he will have changed, he is no longer an addict and that is a huge journey for him that he is presumably making for his own health and the future of his family.

OP you do sound high maintenance from your expectations and needs

[FrancescaBell]

Er...I didn't say he was having an affair.

I suggested the OP explored that possibility, based on similar behaviour I've seen in people having affairs.

I don't think it's necessary or desirable to tell an OP that she sounds 'high maintenance' for expecting her partner and co-parent to attend important family and social events. I simply don't understand what possesses some MNetters to make an OP feel inadequate and unreasonable for having what are in my experience, fairly standard expectations of a male partner and co-parent.

I expect if there was a thread from a woman where she said she expected her husband to attend family and social events alone with the children because she didn't fancy going along, she would be lynched.

It seems only men get to opt out of these things and furthermore, attract sympathy for having an addiction that has caused misery.

On MNet though - nowhere else in my experience.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Maybe he feels the urge to drink really strongly when he feels obligated to attend a social event he'd rather not?

[CinnabarRed]

IME women who opt out of things for the benefit of their mental health get sympathy here, and rightly so, but that's by the by. We don't know that that is what the DH is doing.

I guess that's what I meant when I said learn his new capabilities, but don't let him swing the lead.

OP, would it help to post a couple more examples of him opting out?

[cafecito]

it's nothing to do with him being male or female. If he doesn't want to go to something he shouldn't have to, especially when OP seems to want him to go to many things and seems therefore high maintenance. No offence meant to OP I doubt she's anything like that in reality but from posts of needing support etc, for normal social gatherings - we're not talking a close relative's funeral here, or Christmas day- is in my view, a bit needy.

[cafecito]

you're making this a sex issue - I don't get it. I wouldn't think the responses would be different if it were a DH posting about his DW not going to a party either. I don't know why any adult would go to a child's party unless specifically asked to stay and I can't stand my ILs for 5 mins or my own family for that matter. My friends are my friends and I get on better with them when I see them as just me. We all have different tolerance levels of drivel and torment and maybe he has maxed his out.

[FrancescaBell]

As far as I can see, the OP hasn't disclosed the ages of her children. I'd judge them to be young though if they are attending another child's party.

It's simply not fair if you've got young children to be the only parent expected to keep an eye on them at social events, while your co-parent is able to attend, chooses not to and gets child-free time to himself.

Beyond this, the OP has consistently stated that these are events he would have been expected by the hosts and other guests to attend. It must be very uncomfortable to her to have to keep offering his excuses, which she is probably doing to spare the hosts and other guests' feelings, who might be hurt and pissed off by him if she told the truth, which is that he just didn't want to be there.

[FrancescaBell]

The OP has said over and over again that this child's party was one where adult friends and family were also attending. I've been to tons of parties like that and have held them myself. It's really not unusual in close friendship circles.

[Beaverfeaver]

Life's too short to go to things you don't want to go to.

[FrancescaBell]

I didn't want to go to toddler groups or soft play. I did it though, because it wouldn't have been fair on DH to do it on his own or to deprive the DCs of an experience I knew they'd enjoy. That's family life isn't it?

[atrcts]

I dont remember saying I particularly need support? Can you pleae find me the specific time I apparently posted this?!!!!

As far as I'm concerned I've made it clear that I have OFFERED my support to HIM by accompanying him to his special events. He hates being alone at the best of times, unlike me!

But although I like my own company, I do look for a partner to "play" with me (and the kids) socially, and notice when it changes from being willing to beginning to refuse.

As for giving him a hard time? I haven't even discussed this with him yet. As I've said; I'm doing my homework before I broach it. He didn't Ask how it went at my Mum's birthday, and I didn't mention it either.


Other examples on the past month are (off the top of my head);

1. Reluctance in attending the last day of preschool for our son - it was an open day with bouncy castle and there were LOADS of Dad's there. No booze.

1. Turning down an invitation for breakfast out with my brother and his wife. No booze there either. and it wouldn't have interrupted any lie-in as he's an early bird.

1. Reluctance to meet up for sunday lunch with old buddies (he's known them a long time and only likes to see them if they visit our house - on his terms) they also know about his drinking and are sympathetic/understanding. No booze there.

1. The kids party I mentioned which was also an adult BBQ in the daytime .

1. My mums birthday coffee and cakes (only between 7-9:30pm!) as I've also mentioned.

During this time he's attended a meal out with his aunty, and 3 bbq's (1 hosted by his sibling with their friends present, and 2 were hosted by him here, with only his family).

[StickyFloor]

I think you should prioritise with him when invitiations arrive. Point out that some events are really important to you, others you would love him to go but understand if he doesn't.

FWIW dh and I are now in a pattern where he regularly socialises without me because I am happiest at home and life is too short to go to functions I hate with people I don't really like. I know he would prefer me to go to more things but he understands that I really hate it. Both of us understand family things on both sides though as these are non-negotiable, but they only happen 4 - 6 weeks or so.

You are also going to have to be brave about openly saying to people that dh won't be coming as he isn't much of a party type. DH says this about me and if anyone is offended they certainly haven't let on, and frankly I don't give a stuff anyway.

[CinnabarRed]

I posted on another thread today that I hate the old "alcoholism is a disease" thing, because some - not all, some - alcoholics use it as a reason to abdicate their responsibility to manage their addiction.

But, I can't have it both ways. I can't condemn this man if avoiding social events is somehow his way of managing his addiction. I just can't.

OP, you know him and we don't. All I can suggest is learn about this man you find yourself married to, because he surely isn't the same man he was a year ago.

Maybe his recovery has turned him into a selfish arse. Maybe any social event brings him untold struggles with his sobriety. Maybe he isn't an extrovert any more. Maybe it's something else. You don't have to put up with shit. He has no right to expect you to like the new him. All you can do is talk.

[FrancescaBell]

So to paraphrase, he's refusing to attend events that previously he would have attended willingly?

You'd like him to come to at least some of these events, to have his company and for the children's sake too?

It's not that you need 'support' or that you're 'high maintenance'.

You're just feeling a bit puzzled and worried about the change in him and want advice on how to approach it, as you don't want this to become your usual way of operating as a family?

If I've paraphrased that correctly, I think it would be helpful to do some thinking and recollecting before you tackle this.

It might be connected to him being dry, but then again it might not.

It might also be a case of replacing one addiction for another, which is extremely common. So if it's an affair for example, it could be linked to the primary addiction, but in its own right it could be causing this withdrawal from things involving you and the family.

What's his behaviour towards you and when did you start to notice the change in him?

Obviously, it's possible there's someone else, as it's never possible to state categorically that there isn't, but what do you think is causing this?

It makes sense to consider every likely reason, do a bit of thinking and reflecting and then discuss it with him.

Bottom line is you need to state your expectations and it's important not to be made to feel unreasonable for having them.