To expect my partner to come to parties with me?

[atrcts]

My husband has begun declining invites to social/family events that he is not interested in.

They are always relating to someone in my life, my friend, my family - last week it was with our son attending a friends birthday party, where everyone else's Dad was there, our son's wasn't, and this week it was my Mum's birthday party but he didn't join me at the family gathering.

His reasons are; last week he just didn't want to go as it was during the day and he said it didn't interest him, e had better ways to spend his day than at a child's party, and that the child's Mum is my friend, not his.

This week he was attending AA (he's an alcoholic) and keeps saying he's not struggling with drink at present but chose to go here instead of to my family party because that's what he does on the same night of the week and didn't want to change it. He could have gone a different night though (they're run every day of the week) and there was no booze at the party as my Mum is also teetotal, so it wouldn't have been a temptation.

I'm feeling like he's increasingly being selfish about not attending anything that just doesn't suit him, which always seems to be anything to do with me!

I am always going to events that he organises though, out of support for him, even of it doesn't interest me.

Am I being unreasonable to look for some of that in return?

[FrancescaBell]

I'd imagine that most parents would value the 'support' of their fellow parent in being jointly responsible for the children at social events. I don't understand these snarky comments about adults going to a children's party either. Why do people assume (it seems) that the OP is an oddbod who insists on going to children's parties where no other parents will be in attendance? Isn't it more likely that the party to which she refers is one that lots of other mums and dads will be going to? A party where it would be more noticeable and odd for a father not to attend than it would for adults to be present?

Again, this is where MNet is odd and wholly unlike real-life interactions.

[HumphreyCobbler]

In the OP it states that everyone else had their Dad there.

[ilovesooty]

I think going to his meeting on his regularnnight is far more important than any family party.

I don't see why the kids' party thing is such a big deal either. It sounds a bit weird to me that all those couples were expected to be there.

[HumphreyCobbler]

not if you are having a party for the grown ups as well as the children. I have done this when it is a small child's birthday, hosted the adults too. I didn't make them eat jelly and ice cream.

The OP states that he opting out a lot, and gave two examples of this. The two examples are not the sum total of his opting out.

As for the AA meeting, I think if there was an option of going on a different day to enable him to attend his MIL's birthday party then he should have done this.

[ilovesooty]

Sorry I disagree. Something like AA is a shared journey and it's important that it's consistent. I don't see how either he or either group would benefit from going on a different night if he were not an established part of another group


I think that's more important than any other social occasion and any other party.

[HumphreyCobbler]

Well, I am prepared to be wrong about the AA meeting, but has the OP's DH ever missed another meeting for a different reason? Or gone on another day because it is more convenient to him?

[Montybojangles]

I have to agree with ilovesooty regarding the AA meetings, I would imagine the people in his group are as important as the meeting itself.

I also wonder what caused his alcohol addiction in the first place. Often alcoholics struggle with social situations and/or depression and alcohol gets them through. If he doesn't have alcohol to help, he may be avoiding as many stressful situations as possible.

For most of us these gatherings might be a bit of a chore, for him they may be a hideous, stressful nightmare. The op is only going to know if she starts a non-confrontational discussion with her DH about his reasons for avoiding these gatherings. It's possible he is being a selfish arse, but it's equally possible he has a good reason for it. His own family gatherings would be a lot less of a stressor for him.

[atrcts]

The confusing part of it is he says the group is never the same. Sometimes there are 30 people, sometimes 60. And they're often completely different faces from weeks to week.

He also tells me that there are 2 available meets every day of the week. He talks as though people picks and chose, and chop and change, although he hasn't been that way so far. He's only been attending AA for about 3-4 months, even though he's been dry over a year, so he hasn't experiment with meetings yet.

He's never made noises to the effect that it has to be the same night, quite the opposite; he's made out it its normal practice to go chopping and changing all the time.

[atrcts]

I am making the assumption that he would chose another night for his family, based on the fact that he has missed meetings before but always with a reason that suits him (working or not feeling well enough etc).

And he's often talked about his plan to do what everyone else does and try a different group, so you'd be forgiven to think that might be an excellent opportunity to do just that!

[atrcts]

Will people please try to stop fixating on the kids party appropriateness?!!!! I made it clear we're close friends and treated like extended family. There were 8 families invited with ALL of their kids and partners, it wasn't the "ditch your kids at the door" event. It would have been an abuse of the hosts to leave them with my kids to babysit!

As it was it was uncomfortable enough to be the only one whose husband didn't attend, when everyone knew he's around.

He's been several times before and never complained, he's also had the same couple to our house - he enjoyed the BBQ and got on with everyone really well.

It's a new development to decline the party, but to be fair he was drinking before and now isn't, so socially I'm sure it's different for him, as was pointed out to me earlier in this thread.

However that too is confusing, as he tells me that his confidence has soared socially since the guilt of drinking (and hiding it) has been removed. So you'd expect he would be more willing to join in, not less!!

[atrcts]

Also, he can request the same night off work (loads of other people at work do), but he refuses to. This means if he's given an AA night to work he is happy to miss it. He never makes any attempt to be there especially, or else he'd request it without giving a reason to work )also standard practice).

[CinnabarRed]

My DFather is an alcoholic. Mostly, he's been dry for more than 20 years. However, he has twice to my knowledge fallen off the wagon, both during times of intense personal stress due to ill health.

He tends to go to the same AA meetings each week. Yes, you can chop and change to other meetings, and the people who are there are somewhat fluid. But there will be a 'core' of people who attend that meeting every week, who know each other's weak spots and foibles particularly well. It is important to my DF to see them regularly.

The thing is - being dry for one year, while completely and entirely laudable, means nothing in terms of predicting whether your DH will still be dry in a year's time. You write as if your DH is now 'cured'. He isn't, and he never will be. He may well have to attend AA meetings for the rest of his life. He will be at risk of lapsing for the rest of his life. He will struggle to battle alcohol for the rest of his life.

Every morning, DF promises DM that he won't drink today. That's the most he can promise.

[mynewpassion]

So he's only not gone to the AA meetings because of work and illness?

[atrcts]

Thanks.

I do expect him to always go to AA meetings, but am interested that you're experience is that they need to go to the same meeting. I wonder why so many don't if it's that important? Hubby hadn't picked up on that part as he talks of it as though moving around isn't a problem.

He has said that it will always be a battle for him and that complacency is the biggest enemy of all. I can appreciate that. That is in fact the very reason I started this thread, I know this is it, and I need to know where I stand in it all.

I really want to be reasonable. But to ALL of us. Him. Me. Our kids.

[CinnabarRed]

I do expect him to always go to AA meetings, but am interested that you're experience is that they need to go to the same meeting. I wonder why so many don't if it's that important? Hubby hadn't picked up on that part as he talks of it as though moving around isn't a problem.

I'm not sure that I'm best placed to answer that, but I will do my best to explain how DF explained it to me.

Basically, DF says that any meeting is better than no meeting. So in that sense he would rather move to another one if the alternative was not going at all (and DF don't just mean is he was ill one night, or on holiday, or similar - he has definitely missed a week or two in those situations). Some people will always fall into that category - if they have very irregular shift patterns, or travel for business, for example.

DF has also rocked up to any meeting when he's been having a crisis so that ome meeting per week isn't enough.

But his regular meeting is better than just any old meeting. And there are two main reasons for that.

The first is because he's more comfortable with the core regulars, who already know his background and weaknesses. Being more comfortable, he is also more open and honest with them.

The second is that the core regulars, because they know his background and weaknesses, and also because some of them have become friends as well, are much more likely to spot when he's getting nearer the edge and pull him up on it. Gently and supportively, but they're willing to say "Hang on, DF, that sounds a bit like when you were trying to justify x, y and z last April, and you know where that ended..." or similar.

Overall, he has a much better 'experience' from his regular meetings.

TBH, given your DH has been attending for a relatively short time, he may not yet appreciate all of the benefits. Or, perhaps, he won't ever feel the way that DF does about his regular meeting people. Maybe he hasn't yet found the 'right' regular meeting for him. They each have their own 'character'. DF has, very rarely but on more then one occasion, changed his regular meeting as new people have joined and old ones have moved on and the 'character' has changed.

I do think the fact that he has only missed his regular meetings for illness or work is quite important.

[CinnabarRed]

...and DF doesn't just mean if he was ill one night....

....so that one meeting per week....

Sorry.

[zatyaballerina]

yabu, if he doesn't want to go somewhere, he shouldn't have to. Maybe he likes the time to himself, introverts need that to recharge (and stay sane) and it's important for him to take care of himself so he can remain strong enough to stay sober.

[foreverondiet]

I think yabu to expect him to go to a kids party - they are boring for adults and only compelled to you to your own child's party - wouldn't worry about missing niece or nephew party if my dh was there with kids. Also AA should be seen as totally non negotiable. That being said if its an adult weekend party and doesn't clash with AA or work yes you should expect him to go. Fair enough to not want to go in week if tired from work. You sound a bit high maintenance....

[Viviennemary]

I don't blame him for not wanting to go to a children's party. If he goes to more important events such as weddings and Christmas I think you should be satisfied with that for the time being under the circumstances. It must be difficult for you but on the other hand he is fighting a very difficult addiction.

[atrcts]

Cinnabared - that character you speak of is exactly the reason he is interested to explore other groups, so yeah, your definitely onto something

[CinnabarRed]

Maybe he's scared that he'll try another group and find it's still not for him?

He is still in the very earliest days of his recovery. I know it doesn't feel like it to you, but I'd bet all the money in my pocket (37p ) that it does to him.

[atrcts]

Foreveronadiet - your name sounds like you could be more high maintenance than I'll ever be!

I'd like to kindly point out that one of my past posts I said "I want to be reasonable to all of us - him, me, our kids".

High maintenance isn't reasonable!

[FrancescaBell]

OP how sure are you that he is actually attending AA when he says he is?

What else have you noticed about his behaviour lately? Is he intimate with you? Does he still seem as connected to you as before?

[Wouldntyouliketoknow]

OP I feel sorry for you - this thread seems to have been very misinterpreted and people are fixating on the wrong things! It's clearly not about his alcohol addiction (OP has made it VERY clear there was no alcohol at MIL's party, as well as the fact that he could have gone to an AA meeting on another day, the same people don't go every week etc...).
Also the 'child's party' was clearly more like a get-together for friends, in which he was the only dad not there. In both cases he should have gone, IMO.

YANBU, OP!

[atrcts]

CinnabarRed Possibly, although the groups are on different nights and so he could go to both in the same week and not miss out on his usual routine.