To expect my partner to come to parties with me?

[atrcts]

My husband has begun declining invites to social/family events that he is not interested in.

They are always relating to someone in my life, my friend, my family - last week it was with our son attending a friends birthday party, where everyone else's Dad was there, our son's wasn't, and this week it was my Mum's birthday party but he didn't join me at the family gathering.

His reasons are; last week he just didn't want to go as it was during the day and he said it didn't interest him, e had better ways to spend his day than at a child's party, and that the child's Mum is my friend, not his.

This week he was attending AA (he's an alcoholic) and keeps saying he's not struggling with drink at present but chose to go here instead of to my family party because that's what he does on the same night of the week and didn't want to change it. He could have gone a different night though (they're run every day of the week) and there was no booze at the party as my Mum is also teetotal, so it wouldn't have been a temptation.

I'm feeling like he's increasingly being selfish about not attending anything that just doesn't suit him, which always seems to be anything to do with me!

I am always going to events that he organises though, out of support for him, even of it doesn't interest me.

Am I being unreasonable to look for some of that in return?

[atrcts]

FranchescaBell you paraphrase perfectly.

I can't put my finger on when it started. Initially when he gave up drink he was awful to live with, picking fights over every little thing, like a bear with a sore head! That settled down after about 3-4 months. It was quite nice for a while as his memory had improved and he was more energetic, and would stay out past 3pm (when previously he'd start drinking heavily and so had to be at home with the drinks cabinet).

But over time there's been this slow deterioration of interest in socialising with my friend and family. Don't forget , over time they've become familiar with him too, not complete strangers. The change didn't come suddenly, but became increasingly more obvious especially of late. Plus people start to smell a rat that something's up as they haven't seen him in a long time, or that I'm always alone and I'm starting to be put on the spot a bit.

CinnabarRed you're right - I do need to get to know the new him (and where the kids and I fit into that picture). He's always been a bit selfish but its worsened now he's sober. Getting to know the new him is tricky and takes time, and I am a little hesitant to broach it officially with him because I am a little concerned about how it could cause him a problem. But of course I know i can't just let it ride forever as that's also unhealthy. That's why I've put the feelers out here, to test the waters and explore what's going on without using HIM as my sounding board.

[Bonsoir]

Crikey. You live in a social whirl. Not everyone can manage that.

[atrcts]

It's summer, everyone's having birthdays, and we've just had a baby, so lots of 'unusual' catching-up. It's not always that busy all year round.
Not sure I could keep it up myself either, if it was!

[CinnabarRed]

I am a little hesitant to broach it officially with him because I am a little concerned about how it could cause him a problem

There's a difference between being supportive of his (note his, not yours, not even yours-as-a-couple) recovery, and tiptoeing around him for the rest of his life.

Remember the 3 C's of addiction:

• you didn't Cause his addiction
  
• you can't Control his addiction
  
• you can't Cure his addiction
  

It is his responsibility to manage his addiction, not yours. It's not fair if you can never raise any issue with him again for fear that his reaction will be to turn back to alcohol.

No reasonable person could possibly take offence at FrancescaBell's summary of the situation. An appropriate reaction from him might be to discuss the changes in his behaviour, explain why they have happened, and agree parameters for future behaviour. Or to apologise for being a selfish arse.

[atrcts]

I like franchescaBell's last post very much too.

I re-read the last paragraph about being reasonable expecting more of a partnership in the relationship (now I'm paraphrasing!) and can see you're saying the same.

I also like your 3 c's. I have looked up alanon again and will finally get myself there (the sooner the better).

[CinnabarRed]

Sadly, it's not all that uncommon for alcoholics to dry out and for their relationship to fail anyway, because their partner discovers that the dry person is so very different from the drinking one. Not necessarily that either person in the relationship is in the wrong, just that the non-alcoholic partner realises that the relationship they're in isn't the one they signed up for. If someone married a social butterfly but ends up with a home body then that can be a big change - for some, too big a change.

But, clearly, far more relationships fail if the alcoholic doesn't stop drinking, so overall your DH drying out is only a good thing!

[Bonsoir]

I don't agree with "You didn't cause his (her) addiction". Partners (or family members) often drive one another to drink/drugs etc...

[Floggingmolly]

But actual addiction only occurs if you're predisposed to it in the first place, Bonsoir. Not everyone is.

[0utnumbered]

The kids party thing, I find it pretty hard to believe that ALL dads went! so there were no single parents, no dads at work or anything? My partner has come to the only child's party my son has been invited to so far as it was his first ever one and we are friends with the parents (my son is only 23 months old, was 18 months at the time) plus I was pregnant at the time so wouldn't be able to play in all areas of the soft play with my son or go get him if he got stuck in certain bits. He really enjoyed it but I don't think he would as much as the kids get older and don't need us to play with them at a party & help them any more. When my son goes to parties I think he will be happy to stay at home with the other child if they aren't both invited.

With regards to the AA meeting, I would support anything he needed to do in order to recover. My mum would also be upset if she found out he had missed a medical thing like this on her behalf.

[FrancescaBell]

The 'You Made Me Do It' brand of defensiveness for shitty behaviour is reserved for children who know no better, isn't it?

Or goady fuckers who get validated by having a dig at other women on an internet forum...

[atrcts]

Outnumbered - you are essentially calling me a liar!

There were 8 COUPLES, all with kids. No parents working on Saturday (High proportion of society) and I was the only parent without a partner, my child was the only one without his Dad there.

Whether you find it hard to believe or not, it is true.

[ilovesooty]

Coming out of addiction he will be vulnerable and rediscovering thoughts, emotions and perceptions that have been buried as well as finding out who he is and dealing with inconsistent mood. I think overcoming these hurdles is incredibly challenging and draining and social occasions are not only not a priority but can seem very daunting.

I think suggesting that he might be having an affair is less than helpful

[atrcts]

Ilovesooty - you're quite right, he's described it as an awakening of emotions that have been previously stunted through suppression of alcoholism. We're talking ever since he was 15 years old. Any emotional journey can be completely bewildering and dare I say it possibly harder for a man to admit to/acknowledge, because to some degree society still expects men to deal less with emotions (plus maybe they're wired differently and slightly inhibited as a result of all combined factors?).

[Floggingmolly]

Your child didn't need his Dad there, unless it was a pretty dismal children's party. Did he even notice?

[ilovesooty]

atrcts That experience is certainly true of what my clients tell me about their journey out of addiction, and yes, I think that emotional awareness is much more difficult for men. Great that he is sharing it with you but it's all the more crucial that he takes as much support as possible from a trusted group at AA.

[atrcts]

FloggingMolly - actually yes. There were at least 2 incidents where I felt sorry for him. I was feeding my baby and he wanted to have a go on the swings, so someone else's Dad left their own child to come over and step in for a bit.

Later I was in the middle of a nappy explosion ( you know how time consuming that can be?) and everyone else's parents had filled a plate of food for their kids , he was the only one standing looking lost. Again we were rescued by the hosts, but when I went outside on the patio I found him sitting alone with all the othe kids eating with their parents. It was just painfully obvious.

[atrcts]

And it wasn't a dismal party! They're lovely people.

[CinnabarRed]

That does sound hard.

For me, what it comes down to is this: is your DH absolving himself of attending these occasions because he needs to for his sobriety, or because he wants to on selfish grounds?

You'll only find out by talking to him.

[atrcts]

Ilovesooty - yes I'm slowly getting how vital the AA part is. I just didn't see how it can't shift to a different day or time to accommodate for other things in life, so the penny is dropping slowly.

[atrcts]

CinnabarRed - that party was not at an AA meeting time or day so nothing to do with AA, but possibly to do with any social shyness he may feel without alcohol (am keeping an open mind here).

At the time his response was because he couldn't be bothered and because he had better ways to spend his Saturday.

I think he probably want a break from the kids being around too. Understandable. However we could have organised that before or after the party and he did go to the party quite happily the year before, so that one was a bit of a surprise.

[CinnabarRed]

At the time his response was because he couldn't be bothered and because he had better ways to spend his Saturday.

I think he probably want a break from the kids being around too. Understandable. However we could have organised that before or after the party and he did go to the party quite happily the year before, so that one was a bit of a surprise.

That's not OK. Not without a proper discussion about it anyway.

[atrcts]

Hard to filter what's drink related and whats just the new him!

[FrancescaBell]

So you've got very young children and one of them is a baby and your husband is treating himself to child-free time while you attend these social functions on your own?

Maybe now posters will see the massive unfairness in that scenario.

I also hope you won't get any more posts about the children's party, or about your social life (which sounds completely normal to me, incidentally).

I think it's very helpful to hear from posters who understand alcohol addiction and the impact it can have on not just the alcoholic, but his family, but as Cinnebar advises, it's important not to put all the blame for this on alcoholism. No-one is only the sum of their illness or addiction.

Even without the alcoholism, it's possible your husband would be selfish and withdrawing from family life right now anyway.

My main advice to you is to stand back and not to feel you have to diagnose one main reason for this behaviour; there could be several reasons for it that may or may not be interlinked or it could be nothing to do with the most likely cause.

If you over-compensate for the alcoholism and the fight to beat the addiction, you run the risk of overlooking other threats and causes for this behaviour. You also run the risk of adjusting your expectations to the point where you are massively short-changing yourself and your children out of the family life you all want and deserve.

Keep an open mind, but always remember your boundaries and expectations. They are not unreasonable and in any successful partnership, couples have to meet each other half-way and reach compromises. There's an imbalance if all of them are yours.

[ilovesooty]

It will be hard to filter. Because he was ok with the party last year it doesn't mean he still is but I'm seeing now why you missed him. I imagine it might be easier to say he had better things to do than articulate that he might be in a place where social conversation is hard when his emotions and feelings and need to reflect on things are all over the place. Not nice for you but he might genuinely be finding it hard to voice this stuff and his AA group will of course be helping him to process it.

[atrcts]

You both make really valid points and I can't say enough how I appreciate your understanding of the situation and really very helpful suggestions