To want to live by my toddlers routine?

[Annie456]

Dh and I have a constant battle-I want to plan our days around what DS (2yo) needs which generally involves bringing him home for his 2 hour nap (because he won't sleep out of his cot). DH thinks we should make life a little more about our schedules and what we want and as a result will think nothing of organising lunch with friends at the weekend with the view that DS will just "deal with it". I know that he can't and he'll end up whining / crying for the entire day because he's not slept, which puts me on edge and ruins the day for me. Am I being unreasonable to think that DS shouldn't have to be flexible and if we have a routine then DH should respect that?

DS slept for 20 minutes in the buggy one day. I remember that day fondly as it has not been repeated since.

For what it's worth my 2year old is still napping for 1-2 hrs in the afternoon. If we miss the nap she is extremely overtired and gets upset and clumsy. So YANBU to want to keep to routine, it is the only way that I can manage the day having newborn DC2 knowing that I will get a good hour or two to sit down and have a coffee and feed baby without a wilful toddler. Nap time is 2pm though so we do things in the morning and have afternoons at home.

Full days out can wait a while we tried it a few weeks ago and had an hour of crying on the way home. Not doing that again- my sanity is more important.

YABUtterlyandtotallyUR

Toddlers are only tired and whinny if their parents expect them to be. There is utterly no reason to let them rule the roost.

DD2 pretty much never had a nap in her in tire life, because of picking up DD1 from nursery, the world didn't end and she wasn't in the least whinny.

I have 3 kids. The eldest two would sleep anywhere. The youngest will not. She never sleeps in her pushchair even if we walk around for hours with her. We just did an 8 hour drive in France where she napped for 15 minutes! I need a break from her, cos she's a proper ratbag if she doesn't have her 2 hr nap, and so I try to organise my day around it, if I can. So friends come here for lunch, or I meet them on my own if dh is working from home that day.
She's very whingey, unhappy and noisy if she's not put in her cot midday for a nap, so I try to ensure she gets one.
People with happy go lucky toddlers who stay up all day smiling and have long pushchair naps, just won't get it, so don't even try to explain it. After giving birth to three very lovely but very different children, I gave up explaining myself to people years ago. These days I please myself.

to the poster who said: toddlers are only whiny if their parents expect them to be????!!!
You win the prize for most hilarious post of the month!

I fit both my girls in with my plans, always have done. They don't seem too scarred.

Sorry, but I honestly believe a lot of parents are totally unnecessarily slaves to routine and continue to be until there DCs are 8 or 9.

Children who are flexible about naps and bed time are well worth cultivating.

DCs who will still be nice clearing up after an adult BBQ at 11pm, don't care when they get home from relatives and take stupid travel companies flight changes in their stride are rather nice to have around.

OK DD1 is naturally like that, but DD2 has just had to learn to be. It's simply the way her world has always been.

YANBU OP.

Ds naps for 2 hours in the afternoon in his cot. I cannot see this stopping anytime soon, he is 3 in November. He used to nap in his buggy when younger, fortunately he will nap in the car. If he misses his nap, the meltdown is awful. He can be flexible ie nap in the morning with planning. I don't care what people think, he won't be napping at 18 (actually he may be if he's a teenager like I was!). I am not a martyr to routine, I respect the facts that other kids don't need naps, but this is what is best for ds.

Oh, star, please come around and explain to my whiny toddler that I don't want her to be like that so could she please stop?

Some toddlers prefer to sleep in their bed. Just the way it is. DD used to sleep a dream in the pushchair, now she wouldn't unless we'd been walking for about half an hour. We do have to plan things a little around this - for example, we're going to a local wedding soon and I know I will leave at some point probably around 8ish when DD just gets too tired, as she won't just fall asleep in a pushchair. It's not ideal but it's a decent compromise.

I do get the OP's DH's point and it is annoying, but each child is an individual and some will be a nightmare without a nap and some won't sleep just because they are tired. It's not forever. Though if I was the OP I'd probably try once or twice to move the lunchtime nap a little earlier and see if they can go out early afternoon, or similarly meet for an early lunch and hope DC sleeps in the car on the way home.

Its worth finding a happy medium. Both my DCs, apart from the odd 10 mins in the car at theme of a long day, would only nap in the cot.

I tried to ensure they could have a 2 hr nap where possible as the needed it and I needed to catch up with Greys Anatomy on Sky+ However on a weekend, as long as I could ensure they had a decent nap on one of the days, I would suck it up on the other day. Otherwise it would have prevented any day trips. But two no-nap days in a row - no way!

Star, dogmatic, much?
"Toddlers are only tired and whinny if their parents expect them to be. There is utterly no reason to let them rule the roost."

I expected my children to be chilled and happy and relaxed like me, but (all but one) they had other ideas.... My life improved phantastically once I accepted that .

All these people who can't imagine how you manage to do anything when your toddler sleeps for several hours in the afternoon clearly don't have much imagination. Neither does wanting your toddler to get the sleep they need make you some kind of martyr. The fact is that some children need their nap - mine does - and making plans to fit around that really isn't that hard. Like a number of posters above have said, it isn't forever - do what works for you and let your DH deal with your sleep deprived DS for a day, he might change his mind as to what works best

If you look on the NHS website the recommend all children nap up until 4 years. Not many 3/4 year olds are in buggys so I would expect this to be at home

Here are some approximate numbers based on age, as recommended by the Millpond Children?s Sleep Clinic:

3 months
daytime: 5 hours
night time: 10 hours

6 months
daytime: 4 hours
night time: 10 hours

9 months
daytime: 2.75 hours
night time: 11.25 hours

12 months
daytime: 2.5 hours
night time: 11.5 hours

2 years
daytime: 1.25 hours
night time: 11.75 hours

3 years
daytime: 1 hour
night time: 11 hours

4 years
night time: 11.5 hours

5 years
night time: 11 hours

6 years
night time: 10.75 hours

7 years
night time: 10.5 hours

Coming back to the OP: this is more about the two of you finding some kind of compromise rather than just sleep, non?
By which I mean, on the assumption that every child IS different (and I don't object to the quoted amounts of sleep, but I have had experience of a child who did/does..) and that the you and your DH both know your DS, you may both need to give a little: you might need to accept that some social engagements are important enough to forsake DS's nap and therefore deal with whinginess, and your DH may benefit from looking at all the studies showing well-slept children's development benefits?

Personally, I have not gone to various things because being out with a near-meltdown toddler was worse than forsaking a publunch of which I've had many BK (before kids) and have had some again (DS4 now 3.4 and no longer naps regularly).

Roll on their teenage years when they sleep 18 hours a day - apparently

I was happy for my toddlers to nap at home. I am an introvert and a real home body. I love to read and write in a quiet house. So that was my time to energise. Yes I was quite precious about it and tended to organise my day accordingly but whose to say that's wrong?

If I had a particular date with friends or somewhere I had to be then yes I would go with the flow that day.

Now my kids are older I don't miss the nap time as I have more energy and can get a break in other ways. Yes I enjoy the flexibility now but remember fondly those baby/toddler days of naps and quiet time at home.

Oh and I wrote a novel during my youngest's nap times!

The issue surely isn't whether a child naps or not but about whether a father is "allowed" to take his child out for the day against the wishes of the mother who prefers to work around a nap at home every day.

Try to bend a little. I couldn't bear to have to go home every day for two hours so DD has had to get used to sleeping all over. How about one day a week when you stay out - DH can help deal with the fallout.

And to the posters who said 'its only two more years...' It sounds like a prison sentence.

Yes to two more years sounding like a prison sentence!

We have visitors this week, so will be driving to national trust places for the day, having picnics out, going to parks etc. My older child loves being out and we'd like to drive to some nice places, so little one will either nap in car or sling or pushchair. If she's grizzly we'll deal with it, but can't imagine having to be back in the middle of the day. Most of the summer we've met up with other families, say at 11 and spent the day together!

That's our life though, I can't imagine my daughter missing two years of playdates and park and ribnics and days out just to be home in the middle of the day. When we are home its cot after lunch, but several days a week at least we're out!

I am big on routine too because it makes DS happy but I do think there has to be some flexibility.

If your DS can only nap in his cot, then can't he just nap late, say 3 or 4pm, if you are going out for lunch? Wake him after 45 minutes and it probably won't mess with bedtime too much.

It would be a shame if you could never do nice things on weekends because of "the routine".