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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to live by my toddlers routine?

120 replies

Annie456 · 18/08/2013 15:20

Dh and I have a constant battle-I want to plan our days around what DS (2yo) needs which generally involves bringing him home for his 2 hour nap (because he won't sleep out of his cot). DH thinks we should make life a little more about our schedules and what we want and as a result will think nothing of organising lunch with friends at the weekend with the view that DS will just "deal with it". I know that he can't and he'll end up whining / crying for the entire day because he's not slept, which puts me on edge and ruins the day for me. Am I being unreasonable to think that DS shouldn't have to be flexible and if we have a routine then DH should respect that?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 18/08/2013 15:46

It depends, if your toddler is whiny, upset and hard work, does dealing with that fall to you or will your DH step up and take over so you can have a glass of wine and enjoy a leisurely lunch with your friends? I'm guessing it's the former if you are the one on edge.

Quite frankly, if your DH isn't prepared to deal with the extra work that comes from not sticking to DS's routine, then he shouldn't expect you to fit fun things for him around it. that's actually very selfish of him, he's decided what's fun for him, is more important than you and DS having a nice time.

I'd point it out like that - for special occasions or things that can't be at other times, then fine, you'll suck it up, but every time he wants to put something that involves you being out of the house over nap time, point out clearly that you and DS will be having a really, really shit day. Be very clear, there is no way you and DS will have fun, he is making arrangements that will involve the two people he cares the most about having a crap time. Obviously, he might wish that wasnt the case, but if you have a child that needs to stick to a routine to avoid meltdowns, you have a choice, stick to the routine or don't and deal with the concequences, pretending you can just flex the routine and it'll be just as nice as if you didn't is really just ignoring the reality.

in summery, YANBU

leobear · 18/08/2013 15:48

Brokensunglasses - nap time ends at 230, so in the unlikely event that DD2 is still napping when DD1 at school, no worries! And our doctor is closed between 12 and 2. Presumably all the doctors have rushed home for naptime Grin

ivykaty44 · 18/08/2013 15:48

sounds like a nightmare.

my dd2 just had to fit in with dd1 and my plans. There was no way dd1 was going to suffer due to dd2 not sleeping in the car or pram ( I think that would have caused big jealousy problems tbh). Eventually though she did sleep if I pushed her on a rocky surface the more rough the better!

leobear · 18/08/2013 15:51

Naps are great! More napping, I say. Should be compulsory for all adults and children.

DontmindifIdo · 18/08/2013 15:53

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain - the problem with: "You and DH must get to do things you enjoy too." assumes that you can enjoy lunch out with an overtired, whiny toddler who's misbehaving. Personally, I couldn't. We just accepted for a while (about a 6 month period between when DS wouldn't sleep in his buggy anymore and him dropping the nap altogether) that we only went out for lunch if we had a babysitter.

We compromised on inviting people to us so we could put DS down for his nap whlie everyone carried on with lunch downstairs, or we paid for childcare.

OP - if it helps, I do'nt know any toddlers still having long naps past the age of 3. It's a short period of your life.

CeliaLytton · 18/08/2013 15:53

Spectacular x post, there were only two comments when I started writing, dc getting in the way of my mumsnetting!

Thumbwitch · 18/08/2013 15:55

I'm a bit torn with this, tbh. DS1 was very relaxed and didn't have much of a routine, would sleep as and when and always in the car if we were in it for more than 20 minutes. So he just fit around whatever we wanted to do.

DS2 is another matter though - he still sleeps wherever but he has developed a very definite need for a longish nap in the morning and another in the afternoon (he's 10mo). If I let him fall asleep outside of bed, he will powernap for about 15 mins. If, OTOH, I put him in the bed, he will sleep for much longer and be much happier. His morning nap time is also fairly routine - sometime between 10 and 11 (depending on when he woke up) and can be up to 2h sleep, so lunch out might be an issue.

However - at weekends, he needs to be more flexible to fit in with whatever DS1 has going on, as well as us.

I would say to you that you should have one weekend day your way and the other your DH's way - it will be better if your baby learns some flexibility, but while he's in the process of learning, it would be also better if he only had to cope with 1 day of the weekend being disrupted, for all your sakes.

skyeskyeskye · 18/08/2013 15:56

all children are different, but this is exactly why I didn't have a routine with DD. When she was tired, she happily slept wherever she was, be it pushchair, playpen, car. I did not want to be tied to my house for set hours every day.

My friend however was like you and her DD went down twice a day for a nap and she worked around her.

It is very much each to their own. I think that you could do with being a little bit more flexible and see if DS will sleep in the pushchair, and the naps will start to ease off anyway as he approaches 3. Your DH should help you to deal with DS if he does get tired and kickoff.

impatienttobemummy · 18/08/2013 15:57

YANBU I do the same as you (22 month old) for the same reason! Precious me time! But.... I will be flexible to a point so if DH wants us to all meet for lunch etc I ask can we meet at say 1.30 so I can give him his and he will sleep in the car on the way. My DH is happy with this as he has seen the bad side of a tired toddler in a restaurant for himself ie neither of us will get to eat anyway! Maybe try that. Good luck

fishandmonkey · 18/08/2013 15:58

yanbu.
i totally protect my dds routine. she's 3 now and no longer has naps so we can start going out for day trips. until recently we had to be home for nap time and quite right too, imo. it's about compromise and trying to meet as many needs as you can. personally i believe that the need to sleep trumps most other needs, certainly trumps the "need" to go out for lunch. and anyway, why not just got for an early or late lunch so it fits around the nap?

YellowDinosaur · 18/08/2013 15:59

Cross posts again. Fair enough heysoulsister. As you might have noticed though this is something that pissed me off. My friends (who all had easy going flexible children who were fine with or without naps and could sleep anywhere) used to repeatedly try to persuade me to come out and look at me all pitying when I explained through gritted teeth for the hundredth time why I wasn't going to. I was actually quite happy in my routine and thankfully dh backed me up. But they just didn't seem to get that this was my choice, in the same way what they were doing was theirs. And while I was happy when ds2 dropped his naps and I could be more flexible, while he still needed it the fall out just wasn't worth it to me or dh - we just weren't bothered enough about day trips.

Ds1 was flexible and easy going but some kids like ds2 just aren't and I hated the implication that sticking with what works for your child (and actually worked better for me too as I got a break because ds1 would sleep too) made me someone to be pitied or that I was super precious.

I didn't comment on my friends choice to let their children fit in with them, even when it was obvious they were shattered and might have been better off at home. Because they need to do what's right for them. But it didn't seem to stop people commenting to me and I think that's why I get on a rant about it now when I see other people being treated like this!

having said all this of the op and her dh aren't on the same page something needs to give.

nethunsreject · 18/08/2013 16:00

Yanbu

SilveryMoon · 18/08/2013 16:00

Tbh, I would start taking small steps to break only napping in the cot. Very very restrictive.
I am very big on routines, but it does have it's down sides.
But then, I don't suppose your dc will be napping for much longer.

Sirzy · 18/08/2013 16:03

Do you never go on a day out then?

I think getting in such a routine whereby you HAVE to be at home for 2 hours every day is madness personally and I cycle I would be trying my hardest to break.

JollyHappyGiant · 18/08/2013 16:03

We are really lucky that DS sleeps in the car. He will not sleep in the buggy. I think it is more difficult to diverge from the routine with a toddler than with a baby. We can have 2 days of grotty behaviour if DS misses one nap :(

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 18/08/2013 16:04

You do need to compromise, yes. I would not have tried to take toddlers out for a nice lunch and expect to enjoy it like I would pre children, IYKWIM.

So I would look at ways round it - give DC early lunch, hope they fell asleep in the car and napped in the pushchair in the pub.

Or go for lunch somewhere a bit grim with a play area.

Take toys/activities for the child.

Expect DH to share the load if child is being a right PITA.

But not, never go to anything.

I have a close relative who removes their child from a big family party once it hits their usual bedtime. Regardless. A once/twice a year event, like a 70th birthday or Golden Wedding do - no it is 8pm and bedtime, off he must go. He stands out like a sore thumb as a massive killjoy and control freak.

A late night or late/missed nap once in a blue moon is not the end of the world.

AnneElliott · 18/08/2013 16:04

YANBU. If DH insists on booking these things, then tell him that's fine but he is responsible 100% for DS. That should educate him about his hard it is with a whiny toddler!
I had to take this approach with DH. If he wanted to do something that would make DS cranky then he dealt with it. I only had to do this once for DH to agree that some activities are incompatible with toddlers.

YellowDinosaur · 18/08/2013 16:05

Another massive cross post. Dontmindifido totally agree with you.

And as to the poster who says doing this makes you martyrish - well only if you are pulling the woe is me thing. I wasn't. I was happy with my routine as all off my family were happier. It was my friends that weren't happy with it!

GoodtoBetter · 18/08/2013 16:06

It depends a bit on the child. DS would not under any circumstances sleep out of his cot. Didn't matter how tired he was or if you rocked him, shushed him. He would just get more and more over excited and go mad and cry and scream. DD however has been known to sleep in her pushchair and even when over tired is more like an over sociable tipsy person, not so hyper and screamy. And then she'll sleep later without too much fuss as well.
DS we would only break his routine for something really special as otherwise it was enjoyable past his nap time anyway.

5madthings · 18/08/2013 16:06

I think you need to try and be a bit more flexible, my dd was like this and would only ever have a decent nap at home in bed bit with four other children it just wasn't always practical to come home and put her to bed, she has rto fit in with preschool and school,runs and at wkends and holidays I am not not doing days out just because she needs a nap. She so now 2.8 and has just given up her nap.

She would have the odd power nap in the buggy or car and we just had to get on with it.

I dotn think it doesn't anyone any favours to be so rigid about bringing them home to sleep in their cot and its certainly not practical.

YellowDinosaur · 18/08/2013 16:09

I totally get why you have to be flexible if you have several other kids. But here's the thing - if you don't have several other kids, actually you don't have to be flexible. If it works better for you and your family...

Sirzy · 18/08/2013 16:10

But it obviously isn't working if it means they can't do things as a family at the weekends.

5madthings · 18/08/2013 16:13

When we only and one we were flexible as one, ds1 never napped really anyway but I was at uni and had lectures and seminars etc, he and to fit into my schedule.

Never had set routines other than a bedtime routine, we could vary the time of that but kept the same pattern to the day iyswim?

I just think life goes on, there re things to do, weddings, parties, days out, even hospital or drs appointments etc and you can't always have a rigid approach and bring them home to nap everyday.

5madthings · 18/08/2013 16:14

Exaclty sirzy her dh is not happy., they are not able to do stuff so its not working.

YellowDinosaur · 18/08/2013 16:21

I agree it isn't working for both of them so they need to find compromise.

But routines themselves aren't always bad. If you are someone who likes to be able to plan and you have a stressy inflexible child then trying to say 'come on don't be silly and let them rule your life, just wing it a bit!' is spectacularly insensitive.

Just as trying to tell someone who is more laid back and has a child who doesn't need fixed naps / will sleep anywhere is letting their child down because 'children need routine' is just as bad.