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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to live by my toddlers routine?

120 replies

Annie456 · 18/08/2013 15:20

Dh and I have a constant battle-I want to plan our days around what DS (2yo) needs which generally involves bringing him home for his 2 hour nap (because he won't sleep out of his cot). DH thinks we should make life a little more about our schedules and what we want and as a result will think nothing of organising lunch with friends at the weekend with the view that DS will just "deal with it". I know that he can't and he'll end up whining / crying for the entire day because he's not slept, which puts me on edge and ruins the day for me. Am I being unreasonable to think that DS shouldn't have to be flexible and if we have a routine then DH should respect that?

OP posts:
DramaQueenofHighCs · 18/08/2013 17:46

The longer you chose to be restricted to the routine the longer you will have to be restricted to the routine!
The routine conscious lady in my baby group is still rushing around and not going out to pander to her 4 year old DD while the rest of us all go out and have fun. (she does have to too as the one time she did come out with us her DD was a whiny PITA!)
I've Never had a strict routine for my DS and I'm forever getting compliments about how well behaved he is and we can take him literally anywhere - last night he was up til 1am with us at a celebration we were at. He did get a bit tired at one point, but didn't want to go home so just lay over some seats. He slept in til late this morning and is just fine.

So I'm on you DH's side and will say YABU but not entirely so as your DH should discuss with you before booking things and then you can compromise.

TwasBrillig · 18/08/2013 18:00

You might want to think about letting number two sleep in buggy etc earlier on (we used walk to and from pre school for a morning nap). You won't want to be tied up for two hours in the middle of the day once your older one isn't napping and old enough to want to stay and play at the park or all go on picnics with friends.

beepoff · 18/08/2013 18:11

I would have said YABU until recently but my baby is the same. Today we went out for lunch and he only slept for 20 or so minutes in the buggy. He is now screaming the house down, completely inconsolable. YANBU.

JenaiMorris · 18/08/2013 18:19

My sil was like this with her ds. Obviously not with naps, but with mealtimes she is still like this - last year we were all meant to be going for lunch somewhere lovely.

We were running 30mins late getting out (one bathroom between the six of us in the holiday let) - at 12.30 she was cooking pizza for her child and mine as it was already 'way past his lunchtime'. The children were 10 and 12 ffs!

And the tension at bedtime - no, at 12 ds wasn't going to be in bed by 20:00 (unless he wanted to I suppose).

WillSingForCake · 18/08/2013 18:30

Sounds fine to me. If they're 2 they'll drop the nap within a year anyway. It's not the end of the world to not get to go out for lunch for such a short portion if your life.

Sirzy · 18/08/2013 18:35

But its not just not going out for lunch, not being able to go out for the day is very restrictive and not really that realistic if you want to have a normal life.

what if you have an appointment for that time? or an emergency happens and you have to be out? makes much more sense to encourage a bit more adaptability in routines.

Original poster
Annie456 · 18/08/2013 18:35

I'm completely flexible in other areas-dinner is anywhere between 5.30 and 7pm and bedtime is flexi between 7 and 8 though can be pushed later if we need to be out. If we go to a friends house for lunch / dinner I will take a travel cot and it works fine. I'm not completely unreasonable! And in the early days DS slept anywhere from sling / buggy / car seat and I did this until he was 18 months when I realised that if he slept in a cot he'd sleep for 2 hours and it would make the afternoons far more pleasant! And it's not like he will only sleep in his own cot-we regularly visit parents / in laws where he'll sleep in cot and nap on the bed.
I guess I just need to accept that 1 or 2 days a week ill have a grumpy toddler in the afternoons and make sure the afternoon activity is suitable for a tired toddler (ie perhaps not making that the day we have a 6pm dinner in a pub where he'll be all cranky)
Will try to be more flexi-of course I realise my days are numbered as when DC2 arrives my PFB will need to share my attention and adapt to the change in all our lives!

OP posts:
NapaCab · 18/08/2013 18:37

It completely depends on the child. You know your child best, OP, and what impact a missed nap will have on him.

For my DS, who is almost 2, he will sleep in the car but never sleeps in his stroller. Ever. When he does sleep in the car, it's usually only for about 40 minutes and he is always grouchy afterwards and gets screechy and hyper and impossible to deal with. My DS is extremely LOUD though and always has been. It makes my life easier to ensure he gets his 2 hour nap in his own cot each day.

He is starting to get more flexible however and can now stay up until about 1:30pm without being too unbearable. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel where we'll be able to get our lives back again soon.

So, no, YANBU to keep your DS's routine for now. It'll only be another year or so and you'll be able to skip the naps altogether.

Original poster
Annie456 · 18/08/2013 19:01

Napacab - our DS's sound identical! I get a lot of comfort from knowing someone else is in the same boat!

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 18/08/2013 19:04

Hold on, so it's not about his naps OP it's about yours isn't it?

SilveryMoon · 18/08/2013 19:16

Don't get me wrong, I love naps, and when I was pregnant, loved nap time happening at home because it meant I could rest too, but I certainly wouldn't come home for it if we were out.
My routines and organisation is the butt of many jokes for my friends, I can't help it, I love knowing what's going to happen and when but definitely has these downsides.
Bedtime here has always been 7pm. No exceptions. When they were very young, we'd stay in, never ate out, never went anywhere if it meant being out past 6, we even went on a holiday park break with my dad and I refused to go up to the clubhouse in the evening because I didn't want ds (then 4 months) out after bedtime. My dad managed to convince me on night 3, so I wrapped ds up in a blanket in the pushchair and off we went, he slept all night, didn't even stir with the loud music.
But I continued to be very strict with bedtime.
Last year, we got invited to an evening wedding reception (they were 3 and 5), I'd made them nap in the afternoon, I'd given them dinner (was going to be a posh buffet), got there, loaded them up with crisps, coke and other children and 7:05, they were there going on about how tired they were and needed to go to bed!
What I'm trying to say is try to relax a bit. Tell your dh that he'll have to manage dc when he struggles because of lack of nap, but get out there!

FredFredGeorge · 18/08/2013 19:22

NapaCab Surely her DH knows his own child just as well and has come to a different conclusion, so in the case the 2 people who know the child best have opposite ideas, asking mumsnet seems a reasonable response.

And I do think YABU to get to decide 7 days a week...

SilveryMoon · 18/08/2013 19:25

Sorry, just also wanted to throw out there, that if I saw you in a restaurant or something with a very distressed toddler and happened to ask you what was up with him and you said he's upset because he needs a nap and will only sleep in his cot, I'd probably think 'take him home then, selfish cow' Confused
So i think it's one of those things were you have to do whatever you're happy with and I apologise if I sounded harsh or bitchy at all.
But like someone up thread said, try to get dc2 to sleep everywhere from very early on so you don't find yourself this restricted again.

Emilythornesbff · 18/08/2013 19:27

Mmm. A lunch out with friends and a tired toddler is a nightmare.
If I'm meeting family or friends for lunch I always try to make sure it's at one of our homes so DS can play or nap as needed. Or when he's with his CM.
For me/ us it's not so much about having to nap at home(he will sleep in the car if tired and if the journey is long enough) but the fact that in a restaurant all the adults forget there's a toddler present and sit back, eating, drinking, chatting while I'm trying to entertain DS because he's obviously too young to cope with that and wants to run about after a while. Every time someone or ds another fucking Chardonnay I want to scream. If your DS needs a nap, that's what he needs. It won't be forever.

okthen · 18/08/2013 19:39

My advice to you (not that you asked!) would be do whatever it takes to maintain the nap until after dc2 arrives. Two hours of toddler-free time once the baby is born will be far more precious than any (let's be honest) slightly stressful lunch out with a toddler.

okthen · 18/08/2013 19:40

Ps I bribed my dc1 with sweets to keep napping after dc2 was born. Yes I did. And I could have cried when she finally dropped her afternoon nap when dc2 was a few months old.

BettyandDon · 18/08/2013 19:43

I am just jealous your DC has a 2hr nap a day.

waitandsee · 18/08/2013 19:57

Me and DH work full time but on weekends we will always make sure we are home around noon so our 19 mo will have a good nap in her cot after lunch. We'd never have sex otherwise...

Xmasbaby11 · 18/08/2013 19:59

YABU - I can't imagine how you can get anything done with that kind of restriction. You've left it late to train him, but I think you need to work on making him more flexible, eg buggy walk to get him off to sleep, then park him facing a wall in the cafe.

2 hours is a very long nap at that age, so I'm quite jealous about that (DD has had 1 hour a day since the age of 1).

ClimbingPenguin · 18/08/2013 20:17

at people thinking buggy walks work for every single child. They don't! and I wish people would accept this.

Fairylea · 18/08/2013 20:23

I agree climbingpenguin....

Ds will never, ever, ever sleep anywhere but his cot. Ever.

I once went out for the day when he was about 4 months old and he went a record 12 HOURS without so much as a sleepy blink despite being pushed around in a comfy pram and then driven a fair way home in a car seat.

He has followed this pattern and so now I make sure I am home for his nap otherwise he won't settle for bed. I am very lucky in that he still has two 1.5 hour naps at 14 months and sleeps 12 hours at night going to bed at 6pm.

I'm not messing with that!

Dd was exactly the same and she is now 10 years old.

Yes it can be a bit restrictive but we can still go out, we just go out early and make sure we are back for nap time!

I could literally wheel him round in a buggy all day and he wouldn't sleep. Not all babies sleep in a buggy or car.

I also got told to put him in a sling when he was very tiny as babies love them.... not my baby! Fucking hated it.

All babies are different.

PacificDogwood · 18/08/2013 20:26

Oh gawd, I so agree with everybody who said 'it depends on the child', so in your situation, OP, I'd side with you.
Nothing worse than an overtired, grumpy toddler - sleep needs to be a priority, by whichever means necessary.
DS1 didn't have any naps of any length of time. Ever. (Or so it seemed at the time).
DS2 happily slep in the pram/car seat/on a blanket on the grass, along a bench in the pub Blush.
DS3 just conkend out, whatever he was just doing, where he happened to be when the need to sleep overcame him (lots of photos available to embarrass him later with with face in food, lying on stairs, standing up in his cot - asleep etc)
DS4 . Only. Ever. Slept. On. Me. For the first 2 years of his life.

So, do what you have to to survive. Routine, shmoutine: it works for some babies, not for others. If you have one who does not 'take' to a routine, you'll have a right battle on your hands

WRT to days out/lunches with friends: I think your DH should take your DS with him to 'go with the flow' while you have a few hours to yourself ...

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 18/08/2013 20:32

We have a similar situation. Ds is also two and also has a two hour nap.

I insist he has that nap because he's a nightmare without it but am flexible about how/when. If we're local we come home (so that we can nap too) if not then we let him fall asleep in the car (sometimes 'doing laps' until he does) then transfer him to his buggy so that we can go for lunch/continue round attraction etc.

MsGazelle · 18/08/2013 20:38

I hate going out for lunch with friends and my toddler, so I say YANBU. It is bearable if they have kids too. But if they don't it is shit, as has been said, because as good as my toddler is - she cannot stay entertained for long enough and one of us ends up taking her for a walk outside or doing something else that means you can't actually catch up with friends.

All this "teach to sleep in the buggy" stuff is crap as well. My daughter point blank refused to sleep in the buggy from very early on. I walked and walked and walked and she would just stare at me.

Nap time will be a thing of the past very soon, for now I would go with whatever gets you through the day best. Try meeting friends for breakfast/brunch instead. I discovered going for breakfast was excellent as my toddler was always in a much better mood at about 10am then she was at 1pm.

yunito · 18/08/2013 20:39

I think planning your life so that you are home every afternoon is insane tbh.