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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to live by my toddlers routine?

120 replies

Annie456 · 18/08/2013 15:20

Dh and I have a constant battle-I want to plan our days around what DS (2yo) needs which generally involves bringing him home for his 2 hour nap (because he won't sleep out of his cot). DH thinks we should make life a little more about our schedules and what we want and as a result will think nothing of organising lunch with friends at the weekend with the view that DS will just "deal with it". I know that he can't and he'll end up whining / crying for the entire day because he's not slept, which puts me on edge and ruins the day for me. Am I being unreasonable to think that DS shouldn't have to be flexible and if we have a routine then DH should respect that?

OP posts:

Original poster

Annie456 · 18/08/2013 16:27

Thanks for quick replies, probably going to x post with lots more while I write this one. To answer a few questions-we very rarely do day trips. We recently went on holiday for a week and we left the each at 12.30 and went back in the afternoon. The 2 days I was convinced to stay out were hellish because DS was over tired. Yes, it's annoying having to come home for 2 hours each day but I don't moan about it, I want to make life easier rather than harder and I just figure that this works for us (me and DS) during the week for now.

As for DC2...well he/she is scheduled to arrive in another 12 weeks and part of the reason I don't want to mess with the nap is because I really need the break in the middle of the day when I get so tired and worry that missing a few naps might permanently chance his routine-until he was 18 months old he would only nap for 30 mins so this new 2 hour thing is a godsend and although things will have to change when DC2 comes, I'd rather have that battle then!
I get that DH wants to do his daytrips and to be honest, I've never stopped him or said we won't go but we always have the same row come 3pm when DS is over-tired and I'm blaming DH. He knows he has to deal with him then but I always get to the end of the day and think "it wasn't worth it". I just have to hope that DC2 is more flexible by nature and in a few months when DS has grown out of his naps it'll be an issue of the past..I certainly won't be "encouraging" DC2 to nap exclusively in his/her cot!
Sorry for long reply-thanks for all the input. It's helpful to have a outside perspective.

OP posts:

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 18/08/2013 16:29

I dont even have a routine with my toddler. We just take each day as it comes. If he is hungry he tells me and if I'm hungry I will ask him if he fancies dinner.

I just wing it

arabesque · 18/08/2013 16:29

My sympathies are with your husband. I do think you are letting your child dictate. Even if he needs a two hour nap at the same time every day he really needs to learn to sleep in the buggy or his car seat occasionally.

Sirzy · 18/08/2013 16:34

Does sound like the routine is making life much harder than it needs to be!

forevergreek · 18/08/2013 16:39

Ours nap at home for 2 hrs most days. It's far easier.

They are close in age and we don't have a twin pram, so isn't anywhere for both to nap. Now youngest is 2 we often go out without pram as easier in central London.

But obviously if we leave at 9, by 1pm after 4 hours of walking/ climbing trees/ running around parks they are tired, so we head back for them too nap. By this time whoevers been out with them is also tired!!

The nap times give us time to catch up on work/ bake/ read in peace/ make important calls etc etc.

I wouldn't want to be out all day everyday with a 2 and 3 year old as think it's too much at their age. 9am-1, and 3-8pm approx is plenty of time for them to be outside

5madthings · 18/08/2013 16:48

Other sleeping in hso cot does he have any other comforters or sleep Que's that you could try and use when out?

My dd was never good at sleeping in pushchair but would eventually have a short sleep in the car if we timed it right.

Its not about just going with the flow its finding somethugn that suits so you can be a bit more flexible.

If we had days out planned I would make sure dd had a good nap and sleep the day and night before, I tried to not miss her daytime nap more than two or three days so she didn't get out the habit/get overtired.

There are ways of being flexible so you can still have a bit of a routine and keep that routine when you need to.

nenevomito · 18/08/2013 16:49

I believed in routines until I had my second child and was juggling a baby and a toddler. Then I learned that routines were optional and we got along just fine.

Never being able to go out for a full day as you have to get the baby home for a nap sounds really restrictive and a lot bit OTT.

Babouche · 18/08/2013 16:52

I can understand your view as when I just had 1 made all sorts of compromises to suit their nap & meal times.
My friend's 4th was the same age and I was amazed at how she never had regular nap times for her and was always out with the older ones.
Now I've got 3,I'm a lot more flexible too and so are the DCs.Sometimes my 2 year old naps at home,sometimes in the car,if they miss it,earlier bedtime.
I certainly don't plan activities around it anymore so I'm more with your husband on this one.

mycatlikestwiglets · 18/08/2013 17:00

YANBU, up to a point. My DS is similar in that he needs a nap after lunch otherwise the afternoon/early evening is hellish (mine is 2.7 and still has up to 3 hours).

We plan our days around his nap and don't find it overly restrictive at all, because we get up and do things in the morning - plenty of time to have some fun before taking him home to bed. Mine also won't sleep in a pushchair. I do have some sympathy with your DH though if your DS naps over lunch - we go out for lunch all the time as a family and I think my DS' routine would suit us much less if we couldn't do that.

NotYoMomma · 18/08/2013 17:01

he is 2....

you can stop being so stringent now

stopgap · 18/08/2013 17:03

YANBU. My son is the same. He takes a two-hour nap at two, which is entirely normal among his peers. He won't nap anywhere but at home. Well-rested, he is fantastic little fellow to deal with; sleep-deprived, ugh.

We go out in the mornings, and then out again after 3.30pm. During that nap time, we take turns going to the gym or nap ourselves. It's a wonderful set-up, far as I'm concerned.

GreenShadow · 18/08/2013 17:06

Old school and I'm afraid DC had to abide by what I wanted to do when.

When all this set routines business came in, it killed our local NCT group as we couldn't get people to attend as PFBs routine was too important to interrupt.

TwasBrillig · 18/08/2013 17:12

Sounds nuts to me. We usually have a nap at home after lunch but I wouldn't let it stop days out. If you're driving an hour or so away you can't just pop back for lunch! But then we're out a lot and fairly outdoorsy so the second baby had to fit in (and will now, after a lot of practice, sleep in the pushchair/ catch up in the car on the way home).

Of course if they've never napped in the pushchair they will find it odd the first time!

If such ridgidity fits the whole family its fine, but it doesn't sound like it does, and come number 2 you may well need to be more flexible anyway!

DeepPurple · 18/08/2013 17:14

We have never planned our lives like that. As a result, DD will sleep where ever and when ever. Kids adapt to change easily so I can't understand why anyone would go home for 2 hours every day! Madness!

MortifiedAdams · 18/08/2013 17:15

If a 2yo is that tired, a push aroubd the block in their buggy will sort it.

Some 2yos dont even sleep.in the day anymore! I like a routine, but I wouldnt be comibg home from a day out at 12.30 for a 2yo.

mummybare · 18/08/2013 17:16

Yanbu. I agree with all those who say the 2-hour nap is a godsend day-to-day and, while if it was a wedding or something I might keep DD up, I certainly wouldn't be doing it on a regular basis. We tend to just go out for a couple of hours at a time and usually have a morning activity and an afternoon one. My mum thinks I'm mental but it works for us :)

Bonsoir · 18/08/2013 17:18

I didn't live that way when my DD was two, but I always made her fit in with us rather than enslave myself to a routine I didn't think was necessary.

badguider · 18/08/2013 17:22

I think it's fair enough for your dh to want your ds to nap in the pushchair or somewhere else - but he's got to put in the effort... so if you go out for lunch, he's got to try pushing him around or cuddling him or soothing him some way to see if he'll sleep or at the very least rest, or maybe starting with a trip timed so he's in the car by nap time.

I don't see why encouraging ds to sleep outside the home at weekends is going to stop you from getting your two hour break in the day when you're at home in the week?

PearlyWhites · 18/08/2013 17:26

Yabu you can't live your life being that restricted . Toddlers can learn to adapt and sleep in the car/ pram.

TheGinLushMinion · 18/08/2013 17:30

Sounds very restrictive & I'd hate it tbh. If it worked for both you & DH then fine, but it doesn't so sorry but YABU.

lucybrad · 18/08/2013 17:32

I think if you have done a routine forn two years - its too late now to change but if you don't want to be tied to routines don't start them in the beginning. My 9 yr old twins had a strict routine which helped me cope with them and they loved it - I however didn't get to go out much or meet any friends and was miserable. This time my dd comes everywhere and has from an early age learnt to nap in car, car seat, buggy wherever (thank god!). She is currently trying to sleep on rug in living room but I am keeping her awake so she goes to sleep at a reasonable hour!

lucybrad · 18/08/2013 17:33

*for

Emilythornesbff · 18/08/2013 17:37

YANBU.
But it might be useful to try timing a few days out so that ds gets a sleep, maybe in the car.
Some DCs will NOT sleep in a pushchair. Will he sleep in the car? I found "the no cry sleep solution" really useful for tips about making daytime naps more manageable.
That break you get when a toddler naps is like gold. For you and the dc. It's awful to see them get overtired and miserable. It ruins the day and wastes an entire afternoon that they might otherwise enjoy.

foreverondiet · 18/08/2013 17:38

I have 3 DC - the oldest really struggled to sleep anywhere apart from her cot so we had to plan days around this - if on holiday needed a drive a lunchtime. If we went to friends for lunch we took a travel cot and she slept in a bedroom. But sometimes well it just didn't work out. By 2 anyway didn't really need sleep as much.

The younger 2 DC would sleep in their buggies even lightweight maclaren without any trouble so much more flexible. I think you are being a little unreasonable as its so restrictive to do as you describe.

ShoeWhore · 18/08/2013 17:39

Middle dc really loves his sleep and wasnt great at napping in our double pram (2nd seat not all that comfy) so I understand up to a point.

But there are ways of working around it surely? Most kids will sleep in the car. Or do a slightly early nap and then a late lunch? You can get those covers for your pram that block out the light - they look handy. On holiday we used to alternate between days where he got a proper nap in a cot and days out where he had to power nap in the car. It is doable. (I also found if we had a busy Sunday then he had an even longer nap on Mondays when I was happy to be more home based - result!)

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