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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About hand-me-downs? Subtitled, how to not be a spoilt bitch.

93 replies

CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 21:25

We are hoping to move house soon, very excited and looking forward to making it home. When we moved into our current house we had no spare cash for decorating and gratefully accepted old curtains and furniture from family. This time however we have a bit of inheritance money and would really like to buy some matching stuff that is to our taste to make the place feel like our own.

Already I have been told not to buy curtains as inlaws have plenty of old ones in the loft. I said that I might like to choose colours myself and was asked why I would buy new ones when they have perfectly good ones they are not using. I understand that they are war generation but what is getting to me is that thy replaced the curtains when they wanted to redecorate but claim that it is a waste to buy new, which they did. This also goes for bedside tables, coffee tables etc which are cluttering up thir loft since thy decided they didn't want them and they are now desperate to get rid of.

I am finding it hard to reject offers of stuff which we really don't want, how do I do this without coming across as a spoilt brat? Should I take a pair of curtains and use them somewhere I don't have to see them? If they were to my taste I would snap thm up but the last pair they gave us are orange, 70s retro is all the range I know but I really would love to make a house my own. We already have 2 chairs we don't like, one orange and one wooden, beautiful and classic but we like modern and it just doesn't go! (Stamps foot in a totally spoilt way)

Am I a spoilt bitch? How do I show that I am grateful but at th same time not take all the stuff they want to clear out of their attic? All they want to do is help and i hate to reject their kindness. I will of course really appreciate any items which we would want and use.

DH also tells them that we don't need stuff but I am the one they always approach as I am the one who will care more about decorating. I have nev had the opportunity to choose decor and hate that this is clouding the move.

Aib ungrateful? WWYD?

Totally aware that this is not a real problem btw Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 21:26

Good grief that's long. And whingy. Oops.

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 17/08/2013 21:30

No you are not ungrateful but i can see the difficulty. I am spending my birthday this year doing something i don't want to, because i am crap at saying no.

Anyway, can you say thank you very much for the offer but we have decided that we would like to buy some new stuff being as we are lucky enough to have the money. And stick to it.

Because thats just what i would do!! (ahem)

Sparklymommy · 17/08/2013 21:30

I agree with you actually. I always smile and take the stuff handed down to me and then usually end up recycling it. Sometimes I want things my way but its hard to explain that to some people!

Dackyduddles · 17/08/2013 21:30

Could you repaint/upholster old stuff to modernise? Or ask to view the lot to choose what you want?

I'd also be truthful and say you can't wait to decor for first ever time together. Also have you discussed style? Could you put some pics together so they see what you like and hopefully why their stuff might not?

Pagwatch · 17/08/2013 21:32

Say
'thank you very much, that's very kind. I will be deciding on colour schemes etc soon and I will let you know if there is anything that will match. Because obviously we will want it to match - just as you did when you redecorated'

HumphreyCobbler · 17/08/2013 21:34

Just thank them effusively for their kindness but state that you have already chosen/ordered the curtains.

Insisting on giving stuff to you when you have politely said you do not want it is not generous, it is ANNOYING.

mrspaddy · 17/08/2013 21:37

Agree. . Treat yourself. Say thank you but you are going to wait until you move in to get a feel for the place and in the meantime you need to clean etc so don't want anything for now. In my first house I gladly took all secondhand. Not this time though. No way are you spoilt.

Kbear · 17/08/2013 21:38

my MIL used to try to give me stuff all the time, pots, pictures, chocolates she didn't want, fruit bowls, towels, curtains. After a few months of coming home with a car full of stuff, I simply said "no thanks" and changed the subject quickly! She meant well but I didn't want stuff she didn't want either!

be strong, smile lots and say thanks for your kindness but you are all sorted.....

Liara · 17/08/2013 21:41

PIL generally regard us as a dumping ground for their unwanted stuff. Most annoying.

The fact is, they replaced it for a reason. I would just say, OK, I'll take a look in your loft and see if there is anything I'm interested in.

Then do exactly that. And anything you aren't interested in, don't take.

WandaDoff · 17/08/2013 21:42

You could always take it gratefully, & flog it on ebay for loadsamoney with tags like 'retro', 'vintage' & 'shabby chic'

Or introduce the PIL to freecycle perhaps.

marriedinwhiteisback · 17/08/2013 21:44

"Actually, because she knows how much I want to decorate this house, my mum has offered to pay for the curtains in the main rooms - but I know a couple who are starting out and would be delighted to have what you are offering social services will put you in touch

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 17/08/2013 21:46

You just have to say a firm, but polite "No Thank you!". I know it is hard, but it is the only way to avoid a house full of other peoples rubbish.
Maybe you could say you have already ordered the curtains that go with your colour scheme, but thank them for thinking of you?

omaoma · 17/08/2013 21:47

I don't think you're spoilt. INSISTING on giving you things is different to helping you out when you actively need stuff. I would thank her, say you don't need much secondhand stuff this time around as you want to spend your inheritance on things that will be around you all the time, as a nice way of keeping [dead relative]s memory alive. Then say you know of some fantastic places to pass on secondhand things to and can you help them do so to give their stuff to a good home? (there are a number of furniture redistribution charities desperate for good items, and free cycle is usually fantastic too). Then either: they will be glad to get rid and you don't have to deal with their offers. Or: they will be some of those people who get really weird about secondhand things being passed on when they don't know the recipients, and retreat in horror from you.

omaoma · 17/08/2013 21:48

xposts!

DoItTooJulia · 17/08/2013 21:50

Take the curtains, wash them on a boil wash and tumble dry them till they will only fit a dolls house.

Not sure what to suggest about wooden furniture though?

pictish · 17/08/2013 21:52

Oh I have been in exactly this situation, feeling like an ungrateful cow because I don't want whatever tat that is not to my personal taste, that is being offered.
I have learbed to say no now. I did find it hard to begin with, but really it would be ridiculous to end up with a house full of stuff you don't like for fear of offending wouldn't it?

Congratulations on the house btw! x

emsyj · 17/08/2013 21:52

My DMum's late SIL did this in spectacular style, by turning up unannounced at her house with a van (a VAN! Shock) containing a full suite of pink draylon Victoriana furniture (chaise longue, ornate chairs etc), boxes of towels, curtains, crockery, ornaments - enough shite to entirely fill my DMum's sizeable living room. She was almost in tears. In the end she called the British Heart Foundation to take the furniture and I'm not sure what she did with the rest. It caused her enormous stress.

YANBU. I would just give them the details for Besom or Freecycle or whatever, and say that it would be so lovely for these things to make a difference to someone who really needs them.

pinkr · 17/08/2013 21:53

I'm finding something similar with baby things at the moment...I am really grateful but I have had a lot of things handed down that I won't use. Do your pil expect the curtains back? I've started asking people if they want things back or not...if they say no it's great as the charity shop will benefit, of they say yes I make an excuse.
Try dunelm mill for cheap curtain.

Original poster
CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 21:55

Thank you, have been feeling so guilty but the orange curtains in my lovely bedroom almost reduce me to tears!

But how many of you would have been able to turn down the offer of the orange curtains when told, 'These are expensive good quality curtains left to us in a will of our closest family friend, they a too small to fit out windows but we cannot bear for them not to be used, he was such a wonderful man and these are his gift to us'

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 17/08/2013 21:57

When mum died my dad offloaded virtually every bloody ornament and cooking implement on me. And I am such a wuss I kept it all as u am a hoarder and a sentimental twat.

But in your case you need to just smile and wave.

VodkaJelly · 17/08/2013 22:01

Oh God, yes pinkr. DP and I have 3 teenage boys and I was unexpectedly pregnant with DD. When my boys were younger we had loads of hand me down things and used clothes/toys etc. But for DD we are older and have more disposable income and we were really looking forward to buying everything new for the baby. Not expensive but new.

But everybody was trying to foist stuff on us, or sell us second hand stuff. I know I probably sound really snobby but we didnt want it and wanted to buy new because we could.

I took some stuff and charity shopped it but said no to most things. I felt really ungrateful.

OP - just say no and keep saying no.

craftycottontail · 17/08/2013 22:02

I used to have the same problem with my mum and felt guilted into taking stuff home. But I just got fed up and said no thanks repeatedly for things I didn't want.

With baby stuff lately I've found it's easier just to say 'thanks very much' and then give the things away - it's just easier than trying to get people to understand that I don't want/need endless toys, clothes etc!

pictish · 17/08/2013 22:04

Dh's aunt recently showed up with two pairs of curtains from her late mother's (dh' grandmother's) house, thinking we could out them to good use. She presented them with a flourish and totally had the attitude that she was bestowing us with a great gift. One of them has been bleached by the sunlight and is all faded, and we don't need curtains. I got the whole spiel about the quality of the fabric and how old they were and yadda yadda.

I think it's rude to paractically strongarm others into having stuff they don't want, and she annoyed me greatly. She has also given us chipped plates that she doesn't want any more, and various other items of crud that somehow aren't good enough for her, but that we should be grateful for. Fuck knows what her reasoning is.

I feel your pain.

SirChenjin · 17/08/2013 22:05

Lie and say thank you so much but we've already been offered a lot of lovely things by a really close friend and you've already accepted (and then skip off to John Lewis or wherever and buy these 'lovely things'!)

I'm a wimp too and would find it very difficult to say no - so I would do the above Blush

yoniwherethesundontshine · 17/08/2013 22:06

You are certainly not a spoilt bitch for wanting to simply decorate your own home how you want it.

My whole home is decorated from freecyle and charity shops, and ebay and car boot sales. People say its lovely.

But its what I chose not something from MILs attic!

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