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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About hand-me-downs? Subtitled, how to not be a spoilt bitch.

93 replies

CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 21:25

We are hoping to move house soon, very excited and looking forward to making it home. When we moved into our current house we had no spare cash for decorating and gratefully accepted old curtains and furniture from family. This time however we have a bit of inheritance money and would really like to buy some matching stuff that is to our taste to make the place feel like our own.

Already I have been told not to buy curtains as inlaws have plenty of old ones in the loft. I said that I might like to choose colours myself and was asked why I would buy new ones when they have perfectly good ones they are not using. I understand that they are war generation but what is getting to me is that thy replaced the curtains when they wanted to redecorate but claim that it is a waste to buy new, which they did. This also goes for bedside tables, coffee tables etc which are cluttering up thir loft since thy decided they didn't want them and they are now desperate to get rid of.

I am finding it hard to reject offers of stuff which we really don't want, how do I do this without coming across as a spoilt brat? Should I take a pair of curtains and use them somewhere I don't have to see them? If they were to my taste I would snap thm up but the last pair they gave us are orange, 70s retro is all the range I know but I really would love to make a house my own. We already have 2 chairs we don't like, one orange and one wooden, beautiful and classic but we like modern and it just doesn't go! (Stamps foot in a totally spoilt way)

Am I a spoilt bitch? How do I show that I am grateful but at th same time not take all the stuff they want to clear out of their attic? All they want to do is help and i hate to reject their kindness. I will of course really appreciate any items which we would want and use.

DH also tells them that we don't need stuff but I am the one they always approach as I am the one who will care more about decorating. I have nev had the opportunity to choose decor and hate that this is clouding the move.

Aib ungrateful? WWYD?

Totally aware that this is not a real problem btw

OP posts:

littlemog · 18/08/2013 11:55

Why on earth do things have to match?!!

littlemog · 18/08/2013 12:10

Just say no if you don't like the stuff. Easy.

To be fair to them, it may be because your parents in law can see that you are planning to buy tat from DFS/Ikea etc and think that what they have is decent quality stuff. It may not be....I don't know. But refurbing old quality furniture can be a really good way to go rather than buying crappy stuff new.

BeCool · 18/08/2013 12:10

You must accept everything that is passed onto you. And you must use it in your house. After all the "feelings" of your relatives are MUCH more important than any opinions or desires you might have about your own home.

you could just say "thanks for offering but I've got it all under control this time. I can drop them to the charity shop for you if you like? I'm sure they will be gratefully accepted there."

Don't tie yourself in knots about this. It's not rude to say no thank you.

littlemog · 18/08/2013 12:15

Good post BeCool. We get worked up about this stuff when a simple polite no is fine!

Original poster

CeliaLytton · 18/08/2013 12:37

When first offered, I said a polite 'no thanks, I am looking forward to choosing some bits myself, although I would love to have x'.

I was told that their stuff is great quality. Thanks, but it is not really my taste. But their old stuff is too valuable to throw out. I suggested selling it but they don't want the money, they want us to have it. I was told that it is wasteful to buy new when there is perfectly good stuff available to us. I don't know how many times I can say no thanks. Only easy to politely decline if people listen to you in the first place!

And yes, maybe they hate my taste and think what I want to buy is tat, but this is possibly the only time in my life I will have spare cash for frivolous items like furniture and I plan to live in this house for a long time and would like to look around and think, this is my home, rather than, hmm, this place looks like inlaws.

As for the matching bit, I don't mean necessarily having sets, just that I have an idea of how I would like my home to be and want to accept or buy things that will make it mine.

We have not actually bought yet so they know we have not bought or ordered anything but am determined to be more forceful. And determined never to try and clear my loft by forcing unwanted items onto grown up DC!

We usually deal with our own parents but inlaws cannot believe that we are about to be so wasteful so are going for both of us. They are such lovely people, I hate this to be a big deal but really feel it is them making it so by not accepting my no thanks.

OP posts:

omaoma · 18/08/2013 12:42

You do just have to keep saying no thanks. They may eventually get tired and give up on you or you may just have to keep saying that. They are lovely people but if they can't see they are being impolite by ignoring your feelings then they do have some chinks in their 'lovely' armour!
What I mean is that they are going to be dissatisfied by your response, but you don't have to feel guilty about it, you are not being impolite - it is they that are lacking insight.

DoItTooJulia · 18/08/2013 12:43

In that case, it's time to be really firm and really honest.

We are grateful that you are thinking about us and want to help out. However, whilst I don't want to hurt your feelings, I have to be honest and tell you that I don't want this stuff. I'm really looking forward to choosing my own stuff. Please don't offer it to me again.

To sweeten you could see if she wants to come curtain browsing (although I'm not sure this would work out) or tell her you are happy to sell them and put the money towards new, so she is still helping out?

pictish · 18/08/2013 12:47

celia - I sympathise greatly. I have experience of being made to feel wanton and wasteful for daring to want to adhere my own taste too. Like I have no right to indulge myself so. Like it's not my place - who do I think I am? A wasteful, frivolous, ninny headed spoiled little princess, that's who!

Fucks me right off.

MsPickle · 18/08/2013 13:20

Take the fabrics and find someone to make them into a memory quilt/recover their wooden furniture and present them back with a flourish

CreatureRetorts · 18/08/2013 13:22

Just say "no thank you". No more than that. Don't give a reason. Just say no. Or tell them to keep it at their house for baby.

pumpkinsweetie · 18/08/2013 13:26

You are not ungrateful and tbh it sounds to me like they are using you to de-clutter their own home.

Mil did this to me but much worse, when we moved into our own home she dumped all the children's toys on us and proceeded to tell us the children wouldn't be wanting for new things. We ended up with a toy piano, a stool batteries leaking and unworking, a whole box of nick nacks, a box of clothes that were my nieces and didn't fit either of my dc. Needless to say i was left with the job of chucking it all, considering i don't own a car, it took forever...

pumpkinsweetie · 18/08/2013 13:28

That reminds me of the time mil tried to palm dhs 23 year old manky cot on me. That time i said "no i already have one thankyou" thankgod she listened!

MumnGran · 18/08/2013 13:30

Haven't read the entire thread Celia, but my suggestion would be that if they push after the initial polite refusal you should simply say "OK well thank you, I will take them and see if they will fit".
Take them, then store in your own loft.
It may be irritating to have some boxes in there that you could cheerfully have lived without, but does save upsetting family relationships.

And if they ask why you haven't used them ....... say that the ones you have up just matched soooo beautifully that you couldn't not get them!!

PeriodMath · 18/08/2013 13:32

But it's entirely up to them to deal with your response - not you.

You say no, thanks. And you keep saying it. Honestly, they are the ones causing the perceived upset (if that's what it is) not you.

People have advised you what to say but you seem determined to wallow in how awful it all is.

DontmindifIdo · 18/08/2013 13:40

You know what, the best answer is "no thank you, I don't want that." then smile. If you give an excuse, they'll find a reason for you to take it. Remember, this is not about wanting to help you, this is about wanting to be rid of stuff and finding your house a solution to it.

An alternative is to take them, then when you move buy new curtains. Go round to pils with curtains back, smile and thank them for lending you some curtains, your new ones are now installed and where would they like you to put these? In fact, this is a good way to start emptying your house of their hand me downs, just turn up with it, say your clearing out before the move you dont need this anymore, would they like it back or shall you pop it to oxfam on your way home? Make it clear, none of the junk is moving with you. Take it to them so they can't say "oh keep it".

VodkaJelly · 18/08/2013 13:52

But if the crap in their loft that they are trying to give to you is such good quality and a crime to not use it - why is it in their loft and not being used by them?

A case of do as I say not as I do. Total double standards.

BeCool · 18/08/2013 19:44

OP you are engaging too much. Saying to much. And they are just being unreasonably pushy.

Just say no and engage no further. It's not your problem - you are letting them make this your problem. Walk away from their problem.

If the stuff is so lovely, wanted, valuable and fab they would be using it themselves.

Silverfoxballs · 18/08/2013 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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