About hand-me-downs? Subtitled, how to not be a spoilt bitch.

[CeliaLytton]

We are hoping to move house soon, very excited and looking forward to making it home. When we moved into our current house we had no spare cash for decorating and gratefully accepted old curtains and furniture from family. This time however we have a bit of inheritance money and would really like to buy some matching stuff that is to our taste to make the place feel like our own.

Already I have been told not to buy curtains as inlaws have plenty of old ones in the loft. I said that I might like to choose colours myself and was asked why I would buy new ones when they have perfectly good ones they are not using. I understand that they are war generation but what is getting to me is that thy replaced the curtains when they wanted to redecorate but claim that it is a waste to buy new, which they did. This also goes for bedside tables, coffee tables etc which are cluttering up thir loft since thy decided they didn't want them and they are now desperate to get rid of.

I am finding it hard to reject offers of stuff which we really don't want, how do I do this without coming across as a spoilt brat? Should I take a pair of curtains and use them somewhere I don't have to see them? If they were to my taste I would snap thm up but the last pair they gave us are orange, 70s retro is all the range I know but I really would love to make a house my own. We already have 2 chairs we don't like, one orange and one wooden, beautiful and classic but we like modern and it just doesn't go! (Stamps foot in a totally spoilt way)

Am I a spoilt bitch? How do I show that I am grateful but at th same time not take all the stuff they want to clear out of their attic? All they want to do is help and i hate to reject their kindness. I will of course really appreciate any items which we would want and use.

DH also tells them that we don't need stuff but I am the one they always approach as I am the one who will care more about decorating. I have nev had the opportunity to choose decor and hate that this is clouding the move.

Aib ungrateful? WWYD?

Totally aware that this is not a real problem btw

My MIL is constantly trying to offload stuff. We have an old cottage and have decorated it with secondhand furniture (that we chose) from car boots/auctions/eBay/flea markets etc and painted off white as we like the shabby chic look. Everything matches including the curtains (which I bought new to match the scheme) but my MIL offered me her old curtains. I said no thanks as we have some, "but these as Laura Ashley and far better quality" I also have an antique table with 6 paddle back chairs (bought from auction) which I absolutely love... Her MIL was getting rid of a pine (modern) table a d chairs and could not accept that I would prefer to keep mine!!! (My DH had to take the phone in the end and say the table wouldn't fit!)

Is it really so hard to say "That's a kind offer, but no thanks."?

Really? People do like to make a drama out of things. So they offer you stuff? You're an adult aren't you? Say no. No need to be PA or arsey or clever - just say no.

Tell them that you have already ordered and paid for your new furniture online but thank them for the offer.

Help to sell the stuff on e-bay or suggest freecycle ir the British Heart foundation. The one near me collects stuff directly from you & then sells it on in their furniture shop. Or car boot sales.

We moved house last year and left our curtain behind.... I wasn't going to cut 1.5m off them to make them fit our new windows, my beautiful new house is filled with granny curtain... Our bedroom has cream curtain with honeysuckle, cornflowers, hay, and poppies on if. They were accepted as we were skint and I didn't want builders looking in tHrough the windows. A year and a baby on they are still up, but will be returned after being launered to said granny/parents when we can afford to decorate.

But you arn't being spoilt I wish I could have afforded to say no and buy the one I wanted.

Your DH has grown a pair so now you need to

"No thank you, I've bought some already, but I appreciate you thinking of me".

To all the people insisting it's as easy as just say no, well it's not! Not if the owners of said tat are family, likely to be offended and you love them so don't want to offend them. I am currently looking at the most hideous high chair on the planet. I loathe it with a passion. I begged asked DH to explain to MIL that I wanted to choose the 'big' items of baby stuff myself, dd is my pfb after all and I was looking forward to shopping for her. My heart sinks every time MIL visits and hauls another big box out of the boot as her taste and mine are so far apart there really is no middle ground. However, what ever I think of it, the high chair will have pride of place in my kitchen for several years.

I had this when we moved in - to be fair we don't have a lot of money and there were thins we needed, eg dining table, but PIL decided that every single item of their old furniture was destined for us - their house is very cluttered but I prefer minimal and I kid you not, the offered us THREE coffee tables. We already had one. It got really embarrassing and I felt awful. My mum bought us our nursery furniture, next thing I know, FIL and picked up a free chest of drawers from the dump. They were awful and we already had a set, and the baby's room is TINY so no room for extra things we don't need.

In the end I just had to say, thank you for the kind thought, but I'm not sure we will use it, do you know anyone else in need?

Felt like bloody spoilt brat though!

You all worry about offending people who offer you this crap valuable furniture.

They don't seem to worry about offending you....

I have the same problem with my ILs, they are lovely and well-meaning but sometimes it does feel as if they are foisting crap on us. Over the years I have had to learn to say no politely but firmly otherwise we would be unable to swing a cat. It does get easier after the first let-down, I promise! Part of it is because you have been grateful for stuff in the past, they probably assume you are very happy to accept. So long as they are not complete weirdos they will get it after a while. It helps if there is a younger family member who has recently moved out of home/had kids, then you can suggest "well we won't use it, but perhaps X would like it?"

When we bought our first flat back in the day my mother always used to make pointed remarks.

The best one was the chaos that was finding curtains to fit the giant windows. I had bought some from dunelm and she launched into her speech of her not having anything new and I was expecting too much wanting everything new. My sofa was (albeit fucking amazing) DH's grandparents from the 60's. the coffee table was from some random workmate of my mother's and my open shelving unit used to belong to my sister. Bully for me I was buying brand new curtains and new rug.

She's shut up now that I'm always on the scrounge.

To all the people insisting it's as easy as just say no, well it's not!

Tell them you've already ordered it, it's just not delivered yet. Easy!

If you say you want to buy the big stuff etc etc, that sounds more rude as you're basically saying you dont trust their taste and you then end up resenting them for years.

It's a generational thing. My MIL was recently telling me about just how long and hard she and FIL had to save to afford their first dining table and chairs set - no IKEA etc in those days. So big things like furniture and curtains were a real investment, not just something you went out and bought on the spur of the moment, but something to get the maximum amount of use from. And young couples in her day were grateful for hand me downs, as it was often the only easy to furnish a house. All different now, as we marry later and have more disposable income, and much cheaper furniture available.

Be brave OP, say thanks but no thanks.

Yes, just what I was thinking just. They were the post-war generation, and probably had to spend years slaving down t'pit before they could take the old flour sacks down from the windows and replace them with proper curtains . However (fixes Older Generation with stern glare) when are they going to realise that if they can afford to replace furniture they don't like so easily, then it's not that difficult for us young whipper snappers to do nowadays, either?

YANBU

We currently have a hideous bookshelf we refer to as the Monolith and a tatty armchair we have no room for but has been in the family "for ages"

I haven't learned how to say no yet - it drives DH mad

I got a bit better recently when my mum and dad moved house and we only got the monolith but.......

My mum had this problem with family, in the end she found the only option was being blunt. She didn't care who she offended, that piece of furnature was not crossing the threshold! Phrases like "its a good quality piece of furnature" were met with "well I'm sure you'll have no problem giving it to someone else then"

We also had the problem of if we had anything of value (which could be sold) family would say "oh I can take that off your hands for you..." You would then get another relative saying "he's family, you should let him have it, but you can't take any money off him he's doing you a favour getting rid of it!".

When my MIL found out I was pregnant she 'as a nice surprise' ordered nursery curtains, bedding and wallpaper border from her catalogue. They were decorated with blue clowns and I didn't like them but I didn't want to upset her. She also appeared with a cot, pram, highchair etc from a friend who didn't need them. I got absolutely no choices with my first baby.

In hindsight I wish I had spoken up, but then again, we do get on well now 17 years later so maybe it was worth it.

I have this problem. Mil threw a right foot stamping lecture when I said I was going to make matching curtains instead of using her faded 80s monstrosities. I said thanks I'll use them for dust and painting sheets in the end and she went mad as apparently the quality was too good for that.
I hate hate hate their foisting their own unwantables on us and then causing a row when I don't use them.
You are yanbu.
Accept and then spill paint on them.

Of course you are not a spoilt bitch, and it is ridiculous for you to think so. You are in the fortunate position to have a bit of spare cash and it is fine for you to want to spend it to make your new home as nice as possible. Your inlaws sound totally unreasonable if it was perfectly OK for them to buy new stuff before the old was warn out, then tell you it is wasteful for you to buy new.

Just be firm and say you already have all you need. Suggest they donate to a charity like Homestart so that the items can go to people who really need them. They might be in for a shock if their items are so awful and old-fashioned that even Homestart won't take them!

They probably mean well, but at the same time, the end result is that their loft gets cleared. I am not great at saying no either, tbh. I suggest having your response ready, 'really looking forward to picking our own stuff', or saying that you have already ordered it, in order to pre-empt the offers. As others have said, offer names of charities, and help with getting rid of the stuff. After all, if they redecorated their own house, to their own taste they cannot be all that sentimentally attached to the stuff.
YANBU, and not being a spoilt brat, in the slightest. Make sure DH gives the same message as you, if he is asked. Best of luck with the move.

I am reluctant to give up my DIL-from-heaven badge, dreading the disappointment. I had better stop with the computer lessons for mil else there will be another AIBU soon, From her point of view!

That would be fine as everyone will tell her she is BU. And she is! I have a grown up DS and a house full of clutter, and if he was to get married and have a home of his own, I would offer but their is no way that I would be offended if he or his wife said 'no'. (I would just be grateful if he would remove his own stuff). I wouldn't expect any gratitude either for something I wasn't using andthat was just gathering dust in the loft.

Perhaps the computer lessons should include Ebay!

My parents used to be like this, although years of saying 'no thanks' and pointing them in the direction of the charity shop has helped.

The best 'offer' was when I first moved in with DP, to a one bedroomed flat. Mum asked if we'd like to have the bunk beds from my childhood bedroom!!!