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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About hand-me-downs? Subtitled, how to not be a spoilt bitch.

93 replies

CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 21:25

We are hoping to move house soon, very excited and looking forward to making it home. When we moved into our current house we had no spare cash for decorating and gratefully accepted old curtains and furniture from family. This time however we have a bit of inheritance money and would really like to buy some matching stuff that is to our taste to make the place feel like our own.

Already I have been told not to buy curtains as inlaws have plenty of old ones in the loft. I said that I might like to choose colours myself and was asked why I would buy new ones when they have perfectly good ones they are not using. I understand that they are war generation but what is getting to me is that thy replaced the curtains when they wanted to redecorate but claim that it is a waste to buy new, which they did. This also goes for bedside tables, coffee tables etc which are cluttering up thir loft since thy decided they didn't want them and they are now desperate to get rid of.

I am finding it hard to reject offers of stuff which we really don't want, how do I do this without coming across as a spoilt brat? Should I take a pair of curtains and use them somewhere I don't have to see them? If they were to my taste I would snap thm up but the last pair they gave us are orange, 70s retro is all the range I know but I really would love to make a house my own. We already have 2 chairs we don't like, one orange and one wooden, beautiful and classic but we like modern and it just doesn't go! (Stamps foot in a totally spoilt way)

Am I a spoilt bitch? How do I show that I am grateful but at th same time not take all the stuff they want to clear out of their attic? All they want to do is help and i hate to reject their kindness. I will of course really appreciate any items which we would want and use.

DH also tells them that we don't need stuff but I am the one they always approach as I am the one who will care more about decorating. I have nev had the opportunity to choose decor and hate that this is clouding the move.

Aib ungrateful? WWYD?

Totally aware that this is not a real problem btw

OP posts:

pictish · 17/08/2013 22:08

Same here yoni - my house is full of second hand stuff too - but our choice of 2nd hand, not anybody else's, thank you!

daisychain01 · 17/08/2013 22:12

Celia, I totally get where you are coming from! All the good advice on here is worth following. There is no need to cause any offence but there is nothing wrong with resisting their rather disingenuous attempts to offload stuff from teir loft onto you. I cant think of anything nicer than having some spare cash to treat yourself to lovely new things for your home - enjoy!!

And you sound lovely! Have a piece of celebratory

WafflyVersatile · 17/08/2013 22:13

They are not just trying to help. they are also trying to offload shit they don't want any more.

You can either accept it and put it up even though you don't like it.

accept it and put it in your loft.

accept it then ebay it and increase your budget with the money. and seek forgiveness instead of permission.

accept it and say 'great, we can ebay it. 70s stuff is really popular just now. and we can use the money to buy stuff we want'

or bite the bullet and say 'no thanks. we already have our own ideas and we have a budget for it'.

toomanyfionas · 17/08/2013 22:14

Good heavens, the problem is hers not yours.
Don't take this onboard. Just laugh and say no thanks, but here are some numbers for charity places who'd love to have them.
Don't let her control freakery ruin your new home excitement.

holidaybug · 17/08/2013 22:14

There's no point in being anything other than honest as when they come round, they will see that you aren't using the things they gave you.

Original poster

CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 22:22

holiday that's the problem, I do use the stuff so as not to offend. And yoni I have loads from charity shops and buy most of my clothes from eBay but that way I get to choose what I want.

I am reluctant to give up my DIL-from-heaven badge, dreading the disappointment. I had better stop with the computer lessons for mil else there will be another AIBU soon, From her point of view!

OP posts:

wickedwitchNE · 17/08/2013 22:24

Argh our in-laws are the same, I always think they must think we have really rubbish stuff to constantly want to give us more - actually i think MIL has a shopping habit and is trying to assuage her spending guilt! Even worse, SIL lives with them and is looking to move out for the first time in the next few months. She has bought everything brand new and stored it in our loft telling them she won't have hand-me-downs and to give stuff to us instead. We already HAVE everything, in decent nick too! Absolutely bonkers.

Learn how to say no, then teach me/DP. All I have managed was a comment about DP attempting to replicate his childhood home by having all their old stuff - I think this only encouraged her! I did eventually replace the curtains, throws and cushions in the living room - she did make a comment but I pointed out they didn't go, made our living room look just like her old one, and I wanted to decorate it in my style, and I also actually enjoy shopping for things for the house. Any offence taken over curtains is unlikely to last long in the grand scheme of things I reckon. Maybe try discussing how YOU want to decorate (and are excited to shop for it) and ask their opinion on ideas for new curtains/furniture etc. They did it themselves as you said so just explain that you are excited to decorate and furniture shop yourselves now you actually have some spare money to do so.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 17/08/2013 22:26

I agree, you really do have to be brave and say sorry but you don't want their old rubbish in your new home. If its not good enough for them then why on earth do they think you want it? Tell them to give it to charity if it's so useful.

Good luck.

Original poster

CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 22:31

They have never thrown anything away and will not give it to charity as charity begins at home and what if someone they know needs it? It is frustrating as they have some really valuable stuff in the loft but they won't sell it as they want us to have it, when we wish they would use the money now to improve their lives. We have tried to delicately skirt around the fact that if they leave it to us most of it will go to charity or be sold anyway so they might as well have the money now, especially as a lot of it has no real sentimental value. Although they worked so hard for every thing they have I suppose they do consider it all of immeasurable value.

I am going to have to stop making long winded excuses and explaining myself and just say no, aren't I? Be strong!

OP posts:

RooRooTaToot · 17/08/2013 22:37

Just keep saying no, as well as offering to list them on Freecycle/EBay/charity shops.

Could you have the orange curtains made into a set of cushions for them and give them to PIL at Christmas?

Jenijena · 17/08/2013 22:38

My sympathies. My pil offered us their 30 year old Christmas tree last year...

YouTheCat · 17/08/2013 22:39

Just practise saying 'no thankyou, we're sorted for curtains/furniture/tat'.

TheDoctrineOfJetlag · 17/08/2013 22:41

They are hoarders by proxy. They want you to store the stuff for them whether you want it or not.

Don't call yourself selfish...

(boxes of unwanted toys in our garage, thank you MIL...)

omaoma · 17/08/2013 22:48

OP - re the curtain story: I Would tell her to make them into cushion covers! Or keep them in the loft. That's total emotional blackmail and quite ridiculous. I'm sure her friend would be happiest to know somebody who really needed them was making use of them, if she gave them to a charity. The point is, you DON'T need them.

monkeymamma · 17/08/2013 22:49

It would be far far easier to pretend you've already got the stuff and say its on order or whatever. Then the subject is closed.. Tell them how excited you are and show your enthusiasm for it when new stuff does arrive - maybe they need to see how much pleasure your own, nice stuff, of your choosing, brings.

Original poster

CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 22:51

jeni

OP posts:

omaoma · 17/08/2013 22:52

just seen your post about charity. they are nutters (in the nicest possible way) you have to resign yourself to being a disappointment to them and say no with a smile now and forever more. We have a much smaller but not dissimilar issue with inlaws and lots of precious, bulky household stuff. i know they hate that i won't magically make a space for any of it it all! luckily they are much nicer/less bonkers than yours and keep it in their garage without complaint. what for - i don't know. until more deserving people than me turn up i guess

rootatoot · 17/08/2013 22:52

Mil does this a bit. Sometimes lovely things we are grateful for but she has also just turned up with a jumble of stuff. One Xmas this included his n hers big, woolly and shabby old dressing gowns she announced she was going to hang on our clothes rail for when she visits.

We don't have wardrobe in spare room due to weird roof space, so would mean these horrid things on show all the time. I was taken aback. Left them for few days, then bagged & stored them. Eventually got sick of the blooming things taking up storage space under bed & charity shopped em.

Phew, it felt good. ;-)

Preferthedogtothekids · 17/08/2013 22:53

My parents recently replaced their 40" flatscreen tv with a 3D version. They very cruelly foisted their (2 year) old tv onto us! We were forced to throw away our huge 12yr old box.

Hellish.

More seriously, I do agree that it's difficult and I have a cupboard full of chintzy duvets and curtains that I will never use but I didn't feel up to refusing. I wish you strength.

BrokenSunglasses · 17/08/2013 22:58

Start looking for the things you are going to want to buy. Then next time you are offered something, you can gushingly tell mil about the ones you saw and are going to purchase instead.

If you have the time or the inclination, you could help her get rid of things on freecycle. My mum was trying to pass stuff I didn't want on to me recently, but after she found a very lovely and grateful couple to take it, she was more than happy that her things had gone to a good home.

daisychain01 · 17/08/2013 22:58

We don't have a TV by choice and I cannot tell you how many offers we get from people who want to give us their cast-off telly from their loft.

I bite my lip every time people make the offer, resisting the temptation to say it like it is but manage to politely decline!

They don't connect the fact we have chosen not to have TV and yet they not only want to take away our personal choice, they want to give us their 15 year old TV.

I don't get why people equate giving old stuff away to being kind and "helping out". It invariably creates more of a problem than it solves!

mynameisslimshady · 17/08/2013 23:01

I had this when I moved, and had pushiness after I said no. I just accepted the stuff, then a month or so later, said 'Thanks for lending me those I really appreciate it/don't know what I would have done without them/some other platitude. I've bought new ones now so I thought I'd give them back now in case anyone else needs them' that way everyone was happy.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 17/08/2013 23:31

Or you could say yes, I'd love all of your stuff. Then sell it. eBay, free cycle, car boot. Make it your mission to get rid of as much stuff and make as much money as you can. When they ask what happened to all their stuff feign complete ignorance and assume that they knew that of course you'd be selling it all. Thank them for their generosity as it made you a lot of money. Charity does indeed begin at home and you'll be putting the money towards a beautiful piece of furniture. Or painting. Or whatever.

SofiaVagueara · 18/08/2013 00:17

I think you should kindly say to them that you don't really need them and it would be a shame for you to take them when there are people who are a lot worse of than you who could really use them.

Perhaps give them the address of somewhere that takes donations of furniture to help the homeless set up home or similar?

I had a barely used cooker which wasn't suitable and gave it to a charity that helped victims of domestic violence who were coming out of refuges and setting up homes to get furniture.

MidniteScribbler · 18/08/2013 02:16

I have a relative like that. Drives me mental. And it's always bloody curtins!! What is it with old people and curtins?

I now chop them up and sew them in to mats for the dogs to lay on in their crates. Relative is happy that they are being used, at least in some fashion, and I don't have to feel too guilty when they get worn out and are tossed in the bin.

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