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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is MIL BU or are we?

85 replies

vvviola · 14/08/2013 07:57

MIL is currently in a huff with us and hung up on DH earlier. The story is...

We eat dinner between 5:30 and 6ish. The time between 5:15 and 6:15 is general chaos in our house. MIL knows this. She has been at our house frequently at this time of the evening. The reason I know she knows is that the three times this week that she has called (at exactly 5:30) she has started the call with "I know you are trying to get dinner on the table and it must be chaos but..." and launches into a detailed explanation of why she rang, as I balance pots, stir things, and generally try to keep control of two hungry grouchy children.

So when she did it tonight just as I had nearly upended a full pot of bolognese sauce all over me, had DD2 clinging to my leg and was generally fighting a losing battle against the chaos, I cheerily said "oh yes, in fact I think I'm burning it, I'll just pass you over to DH".

DH was trying to finish up some urgent work in his office (had I known I would have just told MIL we'd call back), so when I passed the phone over he said he couldn't really talk, asked was it urgent and if not could he give a call back after dinner.

At which point MIL huffed "oh never mind", and hung up on DH. And is now apparently not talking to us. (that last part is DH's interpretation).

AWBU to think she shouldn't ring at a time that she knows is totally unsuitable (and it's not like she can't get us at any other stage of the evening. We don't go out at all

OP posts:

cansu · 14/08/2013 08:00

No she is being a pain. I would start not answering phone at these times. I don't and my mum knows that if I don't answer I am busy and will call back later. She will soon get the hang of it.

Yama · 14/08/2013 08:00

If I'm busy I don't answer the phone - landline or mobile. I certainly wouldn't if I had pots on the stove needing attention.

Just stop answering the phone.

DamnBamboo · 14/08/2013 08:04

Just don't answer the phone. If you don't want to talk - then don't.
Having said that, I think you're over-egging it a bit. How hard is it to have a two minute conversation, even whilst serving dinner?

LaurieFairyCake · 14/08/2013 08:04

Are you mad?

She's not talking to you! How fab is that

Hopefully if she ever starts talking to you it will be after dinner next time. Lesson learned.

curlew · 14/08/2013 08:07

Why did you answer the phone?

Oh, and if you are accurately describing your "dinner hour" do you really like it like that?

bigTillyMint · 14/08/2013 08:07

YANBU - just don't answer the phone if it rings at an inconvenient time. She will soon get the message.

girlsyearapart · 14/08/2013 08:07

My ILs do this although they wait until I have got up early with the kids, entertained them all day, cooked & fed them their dinner, bathed them and just sat them down on the sofa for quiet time..

All of this will have been done by myself with 4 kids & the (retired) ILs only come once its all been done & hype the kids up so bedtime is delayed.

You should be grateful yours is a phonecall

Tee2072 · 14/08/2013 08:09

Definitely take 'not talking to you' as a victory.

Stop answering the phone.

Figure out why dinner is so chaotic and fix it.

oohaveabanana · 14/08/2013 08:10

She knows it' a hard time to talk, you (& dh) told her it was a hard time to talk. I'd just leave it (Why does dh think she's not talking to you?)
I assume - having said he would call back after dinner - your dh did do?

Next time - either don't answer the phone if it's a bad time, or just out her on speaker so you don't have to juggle the phone and can get on with things/she can hear the general chaos & get the hint.

HorryIsUpduffed · 14/08/2013 08:10

yanbu but I don't think you should stop answering in case it's an emergency.

Just always answer with "we haven't got time to chat, I'm afraid" and if it's urgent (boiler flooded, car accident, etc) she can give you the information, but if she wants to know what the DC want for Christmas you say you'll ring back.

Montybojangles · 14/08/2013 08:11

Why do you answer the phone when you are busy? Isn't that what answer phones are for?

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 08:12

She's not talking to you? Enjoy it!

And when she comes back on stream, either don't answer the phone during the crucial time or pick it up, say 'We're busy right now, we'll ring back'. As you're mostly doing. She's being daft and unreasonable.

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 14/08/2013 08:12

Get caller ID or unplug phone whilst you're dealing with the toxic hour.
My MIL was broken of the badly timed phone call habit by us putting DC1 onto the phone with her everytime it was a bad time. The endless incoherent ramblings of a chatty toddler did for her. [ grin]

Groovee · 14/08/2013 08:13

I have a phone with caller display. That way I don't have to answer if I don't want to.

phantomhairpuller · 14/08/2013 08:15

She sounds just like my MIL!

She's not talking to you? Fantastic! Enjoy it while it lasts

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 08:16

I've got an answerphone and I'm quite ruthless about not answering if I don't want to - for any reason. My friends and relatives are all trained by now.

fluffyraggies · 14/08/2013 08:16

If we're in the pre dinner madness or sat down to eat we don't usually answer the phone. It's only 10/15 mins and then one of us will check who it was .....

.... if they've done a bloody silent job on the answer phone that is! WHY don't people just speak??

tumbletumble · 14/08/2013 08:17

My MIL does this! She phoned recently right in the middle of the supper / bath time rush and said 'I know it's a busy time of day for you, but I can't find my necklace, did I leave it at yours?' and expected me to drop everything and look for it.

Fair enough, it's her special necklace and she was in a bit of a panic about it.

Then she phoned again the next night, again saying she knew how busy I was, to tell me she'd found it! Arghh!!

gaggiagirl · 14/08/2013 08:18

Don't answer the phone!

My MIL always rings on a Sunday just when we are finishing dinner and starting the bath/bedtime routine with DD we don't answer, then she rings again just when DD has gone to bed we don't answer. This has gone on for years she still hasn't got the message.

stillenacht · 14/08/2013 08:19

Take phone off hook. Easy.

LazyFaire · 14/08/2013 08:20

My dad does this, phones for nothing and it is always while I am trying to wolf my tea down before working for the evening, coaxing Ds to eat his too, etc.

After he took offence to me answering with an exasperated 'Yes?!', and went in a huff, I stopped picking up at dinnertime. I can get the huffy voicemail at my leisure. And it's usually to ask where a file is on his computer, would I like to do something for him, will I come to sunday dinner and what time? the same fecking time as I do every week dad!

EndoplasmicReticulum · 14/08/2013 08:20

I don't answer the phone if I'm busy cooking or if we're just about to eat. That's what the answerphone is for.

carabos · 14/08/2013 08:24

XMiL used to do this. I stopped answering, she would leave a message and I would deliberately wait until Coronation St had been on for 5 min then ring her back and talk to her until it had finished.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 08:24

People are just lousy with leaving messages fluffyraggies. Time after time, I've seen people in a working environment put down the phone after being met by a message machine and prepare themselves mentally for making a 'proper' phone call with message - and then phone back and leave it.

It just seems to flummox them and they hang around without saying anything. (Or they'll soldier on and leave a heap of drivel without actually getting to the critical part of the message by the time their slot runs out.)

starfishmummy · 14/08/2013 08:25

Mine does this. I used to just ignkre the phone and whrn I listened to the message there would be variations on the "pick up if you are there theme". I would just say that I hadnt heard the phone. (We have a long thin house so I dont always hear it). These days ds grabs it after one ring so I just let him speak to her.

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