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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is MIL BU or are we?

85 replies

vvviola · 14/08/2013 07:57

MIL is currently in a huff with us and hung up on DH earlier. The story is...

We eat dinner between 5:30 and 6ish. The time between 5:15 and 6:15 is general chaos in our house. MIL knows this. She has been at our house frequently at this time of the evening. The reason I know she knows is that the three times this week that she has called (at exactly 5:30) she has started the call with "I know you are trying to get dinner on the table and it must be chaos but..." and launches into a detailed explanation of why she rang, as I balance pots, stir things, and generally try to keep control of two hungry grouchy children.

So when she did it tonight just as I had nearly upended a full pot of bolognese sauce all over me, had DD2 clinging to my leg and was generally fighting a losing battle against the chaos, I cheerily said "oh yes, in fact I think I'm burning it, I'll just pass you over to DH".

DH was trying to finish up some urgent work in his office (had I known I would have just told MIL we'd call back), so when I passed the phone over he said he couldn't really talk, asked was it urgent and if not could he give a call back after dinner.

At which point MIL huffed "oh never mind", and hung up on DH. And is now apparently not talking to us. (that last part is DH's interpretation).

AWBU to think she shouldn't ring at a time that she knows is totally unsuitable (and it's not like she can't get us at any other stage of the evening. We don't go out at all

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 15/08/2013 07:57

Ah, so MIL's controlling as well as thoughtless. DH is her son, so he can deal with her from now on. If it were me, I'd turn all phones (landline and mobile) to silent during the difficult hour, and you can justify it as not wanting to the DC to think it's OK to chat on the phone during meals, and are setting them a good example.

Does MIL behave in the same way to everyone in her life when they don't dance to her tune? Or is she a bit lonely/bored? I think she's her own worst enemy, because every time she stops talking to you and huffs off, she is depriving no-one but herself. You won't run around calling back because you simply don't have the time. I gather she doesn't approve of your Masters, as it presses you for time as well.

Original poster

vvviola · 15/08/2013 08:27

I think she is a bit lonely, and is desperately trying to be part of our lives (we only moved to the same country as her less than 2 years ago & when I met DH he'd already been living on the other side of the world to her for 6 years). We do try to facilitate it as much as we can and visit & invite her to stay, but she's extremely set in her ways and can't conceive of doing anything other than the way she has decided is right. It's very draining.

I don't think she has a problem with my Masters as such, she's always asking how it's going etc, I just think she just doesn't understand it. No-one in her family went to any kind of further study, university was never even an option for DH, so I don't think she gets it at all. Can't hold it against her, really.

OP posts:

Dackyduddles · 15/08/2013 08:34

Right. Stop pandering. Start dealing. This is going to go on for next thirty yrs otherwise.

Just say what u need to. And repeat. And repeat. No deviation til message received. You do not want to be posting here weekly!

Happiestinwellybobs · 15/08/2013 08:43

Ours used to turn up at DD's tea- time every night. So DH would just be getting home, DD fractious and hungry, the dog going bonkers. All because she wanted to "watch DD eat"

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2013 08:47

Pre-empt - phone her first at a time that suits you - and keep doing it.

Then she'll feel wanted and might lay off.

Catsize · 15/08/2013 09:06

How about 'Hello MIL, thanks for ringing, all a bit chaotic here, I will call you back after X time'.

Original poster

vvviola · 15/08/2013 09:23

Catsize - that's exactly what got us into trouble in the first place! I said it was chaotic, passed her over to DH who was also busy (I hadn't realised) and she got the hump because we wouldn't talk to her then and there.

OP posts:

RenterNomad · 15/08/2013 09:39

Well, she got over her earlier hump with you quite quickly, so perhaps "Mastersgate" will pass soon, too if DH doesn't take over the sulk when MIL forgives resumes speaking to you.

girlywhirly · 15/08/2013 09:40

OK, first try the scheduled phone calls to MIL twice a week, and present the idea with the wording I suggested above. If she doesn't like the idea, you have to be honest and say that otherwise you can't guarantee answering her calls at other times. Insist on a trial run.

Perhaps if you gave her some examples of how many hours/days it takes to research/compile/write an essay, how many hours lectures you have a week etc she would have a better idea of why you need the time to be sure everything is in order before you hand your final essays in, and therefore cannot commit to the weekend away. Actually I'd exaggerate the amount of time, and add on top the rest of the things you do, children, home etc. I think she has an idea that you go to the odd lecture here and there and rattle off an essay in a couple of hours.

Catsize · 15/08/2013 10:45

Hmmmm. She is being unreasonable and inconsiderate. Will have to go with the not-answering-the-phone option perhaps. You can always say you unplug the phone between X time and Y time so you can focus on the evening routine without people ringing. 'People' might make it less personal and implies others may have phoned too.

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