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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is MIL BU or are we?

85 replies

vvviola · 14/08/2013 07:57

MIL is currently in a huff with us and hung up on DH earlier. The story is...

We eat dinner between 5:30 and 6ish. The time between 5:15 and 6:15 is general chaos in our house. MIL knows this. She has been at our house frequently at this time of the evening. The reason I know she knows is that the three times this week that she has called (at exactly 5:30) she has started the call with "I know you are trying to get dinner on the table and it must be chaos but..." and launches into a detailed explanation of why she rang, as I balance pots, stir things, and generally try to keep control of two hungry grouchy children.

So when she did it tonight just as I had nearly upended a full pot of bolognese sauce all over me, had DD2 clinging to my leg and was generally fighting a losing battle against the chaos, I cheerily said "oh yes, in fact I think I'm burning it, I'll just pass you over to DH".

DH was trying to finish up some urgent work in his office (had I known I would have just told MIL we'd call back), so when I passed the phone over he said he couldn't really talk, asked was it urgent and if not could he give a call back after dinner.

At which point MIL huffed "oh never mind", and hung up on DH. And is now apparently not talking to us. (that last part is DH's interpretation).

AWBU to think she shouldn't ring at a time that she knows is totally unsuitable (and it's not like she can't get us at any other stage of the evening. We don't go out at all

OP posts:
SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 14/08/2013 09:40

Get an answer machine where you can hear the message as the caller leaves it.
That way you can screen callers and answer any work emergencies.
And I second the PP who said you need to remove your clingy dcs from the kitchen when you are cooking! It's dangerous!

Original poster
vvviola · 14/08/2013 09:45

I wasn't frazzled girlywhirly, just busy. I'm very risk aware in the kitchen when it comes to the DC, which is the exact reason I didn't want to be distracted by a phone call while I was dealing with hot dishes. (And the bolognese WAS the batch cooking for the days I get in from uni late)

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 14/08/2013 09:46

Sorry vvviola for talking over you, but I have been a full time working mum, therefore I planned cooking so I could spend more time with DS and not be stuck in the kitchen. And spend one evening a month cooking babyfood to freeze and send to the childminder I've just remembered!

formicadinosaur · 14/08/2013 10:24

She sounds demanding. Don't answer the phone when you are busy

chocolatemartini · 14/08/2013 10:52

I never answer the phone unless I know who it is and feel in the mood to talk to them, whether I'm busy or not. Normally our landline is turned down too low to hear and the mobile is on silent. So I'd say yabu to answer the phone if you don't want to talk to her

Squitten · 14/08/2013 11:01

If you are busy, you don't answer the phone. End of.

If your DH is expecting work calls, HE answers the phone. Unless he is a doctor, fireman or some other life-on-the-line emergency person then a missed work call will not end the world either.

Stop making your own life more difficult than it has to be!

gail734 · 14/08/2013 11:06

Not talking to you sounds like bliss. My MIL phones me every day, more than once if she's anxious about something. Last week she broke her own record and phoned me five times in one day, because she was about to go on holiday and had to talk about her travel itinerary!

auntmargaret · 14/08/2013 11:26

My brother does this, it's very annoying. I ignore the phone if it doesn't suit me, but DP and DD1 answer it, then pass him to me, when I'm juggling hot pans, plates and have a 2 year old clinging to me. I'm just very rude to him, normally [ grin]. And I have never batch cooked.

RenterNomad · 14/08/2013 11:36

I don't even answer the door at that time!

pjmama · 14/08/2013 11:43

Could you get a phone with a caller ID display? Then if it's her and inconvenient, just don't answer.

claudedebussy · 14/08/2013 11:44

you definitely need caller-id.

then you can ignore the phone when it's her. she is bu.

Jan49 · 14/08/2013 11:44

I kept a stairgate on the kitchen entrance til my ds was 4 and treated the kitchen as out of bounds. Having a toddler clinging to your leg whilst you're dealing with hot stuff is dangerous even without the phone issue.

If you get Caller Display then you can see if it's your MIL's phone number and ignore it if it is.

girlywhirly · 14/08/2013 11:46

vvviola, so you are right not to answer the phone in those circumstances, whatever MIL thinks.

Would it do any good to give her a time to phone convenient to you, instead of saying 'Don't ring between x and y times' say 'Ring at z p.m. when DC are in bed and we can chat uninterrupted'. A positive instruction is better received than a negative one, because it sounds as though you are making time to listen to her (regardless of whether you or DH actually want to)

As Saggy says, we listen to the answer machine before we pick up the phone. We get so many call centres and cold calls, and often after 5.30p.m. If it's a caller we recognise we'll answer if we can or call them back later.

phantomnamechanger · 14/08/2013 11:48

I can beat this OP! My MIL will ring in the last 10 minutes before we have to go out to school on the first day of term to wish them luck, or to say good luck in a test or something. In that last minute madness of "get your shoes on - have you done your hair - where's your school bag - did you remember your reading book - why are your shoes not on yet - come on we will be late" etc etc etc.

I always have to pick up in case it is DH with something urgent. Answerphone wastes vital time.
I would rather she rang at 7am than 8.15!

JacqueslePeacock · 14/08/2013 12:19

Caller ID is your friend here.

Original poster
vvviola · 14/08/2013 12:21

Girlywhirl - I'm squeezing a full time Masters into three days to spend more time with DD2 & be able to collect DD1 from school. Cooking (& 2 meals for the effort of 1) is down to a fine art Grin

Your idea about giving a better time to call might just work. We're fairly routine during the week so it would be fairly easy to give her a time to call if she wants to talk to the kids and a time to call if she wants to talk to the grown ups. Now, to find a way of phrasing that so she doesn't get offended. Might leave that to DH!

Thanks for all the advice on keeping toddler out of the kitchen, but that's under control too.

Oh, and the previous poster who had a MIL who would call just as they were trying to get out the door....that was my MUM! Skype calls just as we were about to leave. I 'trained' her out of it mostly and try to ring really early in the morning if I think she's going to want to talk to the kids (hurray for 12 hour time difference!). But she's my Mum and I know how to handle her. MIL is a different kettle of fish.

OP posts:
WhoppingMullet · 14/08/2013 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 14/08/2013 12:26

Just don't answer the phone at dinner time . Nothing is so urgent either they won't call back later or you can't 1471 for the number and decide .

Ajaney · 14/08/2013 14:22

Caller ID is your friend. Your phone may already have this function. You need to call BT or whoever you pay line rental to start it. Costs a few pounds a month. Will display the number of person calling or their name if you have programmed the number into the phone.

puppydawg · 14/08/2013 15:51

My mil calls every 10 minutes if we don't answer. She won't leave a voicemail or call mobiles. We were out one day and came home to 24 missed calls. Fine when we're out but incredibly annoying when napping on the sofa with a 4 week old!

girlywhirly · 14/08/2013 16:05

Well, you word it along the lines of 'sometimes we're so busy when you call, MIL, and we feel bad about not giving you enough time to chat. So we thought, if we could arrange certain times for you to call, we would be expecting you and the DC could chat one time and we could talk about grown up things another time (like birthday and Christmas presents) that we don't want them to hear' and say this last bit in a conspiratorial tone to try and get her onside.

I think if MIL knows she will get two calls a week from your family for certain, she might not feel the need to keep on ringing lots. She could have a list of 'things to tell you' and get them all out in one call. The call for the DC could be a special event for them. Feel free at other times to ignore extra calls to this or call back later if she leaves an urgent message.

everlong · 14/08/2013 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2013 01:23

My mum and MIL used to do this a lot, albeit more in the morning.

Eventually I just told them that I wouldn't be picking up the phone before work/school or between 5-7pm. In an emergency leave a message or text me and then I'll stop what I'm doing and ring back.

Having said that, my mum rocked up unannounced this morning just as I had friends due round, was finishing icing cupcakes and trying to help DH load the car up with stuff for the tip, and she got the hump when I looked horrified!

Although tbf it did turn out she was just dropping off something en route elsewhere Blush.

FixItUpChappie · 15/08/2013 02:44

YWU to answer the phone but she is being childish and rude in the extreme to hang up on you and play the sulky silent treatment card. I'd ignore and carry on.

Original poster
vvviola · 15/08/2013 06:39

Well, she is was speaking to us again....

Long enough to call at exactly the same time again, and get in a huff because I said it didn't suit for me to go away the weekend 2 of my final Masters essays are due (having given her a total of 5 weekends between now and the end of October that did suit).

Sigh.

The atmosphere in the house is lovely now because somehow according to DH I am to blame for not being 100% sure I won't be handing them in a few days early.

Marvellous.

OP posts: