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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is MIL BU or are we?

85 replies

vvviola · 14/08/2013 07:57

MIL is currently in a huff with us and hung up on DH earlier. The story is...

We eat dinner between 5:30 and 6ish. The time between 5:15 and 6:15 is general chaos in our house. MIL knows this. She has been at our house frequently at this time of the evening. The reason I know she knows is that the three times this week that she has called (at exactly 5:30) she has started the call with "I know you are trying to get dinner on the table and it must be chaos but..." and launches into a detailed explanation of why she rang, as I balance pots, stir things, and generally try to keep control of two hungry grouchy children.

So when she did it tonight just as I had nearly upended a full pot of bolognese sauce all over me, had DD2 clinging to my leg and was generally fighting a losing battle against the chaos, I cheerily said "oh yes, in fact I think I'm burning it, I'll just pass you over to DH".

DH was trying to finish up some urgent work in his office (had I known I would have just told MIL we'd call back), so when I passed the phone over he said he couldn't really talk, asked was it urgent and if not could he give a call back after dinner.

At which point MIL huffed "oh never mind", and hung up on DH. And is now apparently not talking to us. (that last part is DH's interpretation).

AWBU to think she shouldn't ring at a time that she knows is totally unsuitable (and it's not like she can't get us at any other stage of the evening. We don't go out at all

OP posts:

CadleCrap · 14/08/2013 08:28

Have to laugh at all the posters telling OP to sort her dinner time.

Oh to live in a perfect household. Must be boring.

OP don't answer the phone.

Vivacia · 14/08/2013 08:29

You can kind of see her point of view. She might feel as though she rings you far more often than you ring her. And when she rings you can't wait to get off the phone. I'm not saying that's how it is, but that might be how it feels.

The solution's obvious, let it ring through to answer machine if you can't sit and talk and then ring her back later when you can have a proper conversation.

Original poster

vvviola · 14/08/2013 08:35

Goodness I didn't think the chaos of the pre-dinner 15 minutes was that unusual. Things all finishing at the same time, and 2yo getting grumpy and wanting cuddles while I'm trying to serve things up on to plates...

Glad to know we're not being entirely unreasonable.

Unfortunately we can't take the "don't answer the phone" advice - DH sometimes gets urgent work calls on the house phone so we always try to answer it (and also just in case it's a genuine MIL emergency)

She isn't answering the phone to DH at the moment

OP posts:

Original poster

vvviola · 14/08/2013 08:35

Glad to know we're not being entirely unreasonable.

She isn't answering the phone to DH at the moment

OP posts:

Yorkieaddict · 14/08/2013 08:38

YANBU. She is! My Dad always seems to ring me when I'm having dinner, we are not organised enough to have it at a specific time. I just tell him I'm eating and will ring him back. It's become a running joke because I usually ring him back when he's eating, and have to wait for him to finish to actually have a conversation!

Unless of course your DH didn't ring her back after dinner as he said he would, then I could understand her being upset.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 08:38

That's fine - get him to deal with answering the phone during the critical time then.

LazyFaire · 14/08/2013 08:39

Well yes if dh gets urgent work calls and it's his mother... while pots are on the stove it can be his responsibility to answer the phone!

Gracie990 · 14/08/2013 08:40

Voicemail. Problem sorted.

curlew · 14/08/2013 08:44

So why are you answering the phone then? Surely it would make sense for do to?

pumpkinsweetie · 14/08/2013 08:44

She is being a complete nuisence and expects everyone to listen to her crap knowing you are busy. But simple, don't answer the phone or stick it on voicemail.
If she isn't speaking to you over this, it's her problem not yours!

IWasAshamed · 14/08/2013 08:46

I agree, DH should be answering the phone at these times. Actually I would expect him to answer the phone regardless of the urgent work call or MIL. You are busy with cooking and 2 dcs, I am sure he can make himself available for 2 mins to answer the phone to his own mother

Re your answer YANBU. It is totally OK to say, 'Sorry very busy just right now, can you call back? or I'll pass the tel to DH' (especially again as it is his mother!)
And tbh, both my parents and my PIL would propose to call back if they know we are eating/in the process of eating...

ExcuseTypos · 14/08/2013 08:47

Don't worry about it. And just repeat the message 'sorry its hectic here, will phone back after tea' if she phones again at an inconvenient time.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 14/08/2013 08:49

Another one who votes for not answering the phone when you're busy.

My DP thinks my attitude towards the phone is hilarious and says I shouldn't have a mobile.... all because I view it as convenient for me, not other people, so I won't answer/ respond till I'm less busy.

Just because you have a mobile doesn't mean you should be available to people at all hours. This applies to house phones too.

I think with the advent of mobiles etc, we have almost made ourselves too available and give people the expectation that they can talk to you whenever.... which is probably why your MIL thinks you've been rude!!

BiscuitDunker · 14/08/2013 08:49

I would either let it ring through to answer phone (although she knows you're home so this will annoy her even more mwahahaha!) or just unplug the phone at 5 and don't plug it back in until at least 6:30 when dinner is well and truly over and done with....or perhaps leave it unplugged until the DC are nicely tucked up in bed asleep. She'll soon learn to stop calling when she realises she's never going to get through at dinner time because the phone doesn't even ring!

Original poster

vvviola · 14/08/2013 08:51

To be fair DH does answer the phone if he's in the room. He was in his office (shutting things down for the day I thought, but it turned out he was trying to deal with something), the phone was beside me and it made sense to grab it.

She won't leave voicemail messages, so we just have to guess it was her. (And she gets either huffy or frantic if we don't answer - once she went Ito a total tailspin because it took us 2.5 hours to get home from her has instead of the usual 2... we'd stopped to change DD2's nappy and have a coffee she was calling to 'check we'd got home ok from exactly 2hrs after we left)

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 14/08/2013 08:53

She sounds OTT. Time to get caller display and selectively answer the phone.

BiscuitDunker · 14/08/2013 08:54

X-posted! If the phone is either going to be a urgent work call for DH or his mother then I'd make it clear to him that the only way the phone is getting answered between 5 and 6:30 is if HE answers it as its not going to be for you anyway and you're incredibly busy doing dinner and dealing with the DC!

ipswichwitch · 14/08/2013 08:58

You could put the phone in DHs office while you're busy with dinner/DC, so he can easy answer it. Caller ID is y

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 14/08/2013 09:01

Use 1471 and you will know it was her. And yes, don't answer, either of you.

ipswichwitch · 14/08/2013 09:02

You could put the phone in DHs office while you're busy with dinner/DC, so he can easy answer it. Caller ID is your friend - ignore if you see Mil number an call her back when you're free. If she's getting huffy/ frantic because you don't answer when she seems to think you should, that's her problem and frankly breaking your neck to pick up the phone every time is only going to make her expectations worse.

My step dads mum is like this - thinks that DM and DSF should be home by lunchtime and gets very huffy if they don't immediately pick up the phone to her. She doesn't seem to accept they have a life and frankly treats them like kids, ad the more they pander to her the worse she gets.

ipswichwitch · 14/08/2013 09:03

Bloody iPhone has a mind of its own

Ifcatshadthumbs · 14/08/2013 09:03

Caller ID is the way to go. Love my mum dearly but her phone calls are never short so now I don't pick up if i don't have a spare hour or two to talk!

petalsandstars · 14/08/2013 09:19

My MIL is similar with ringing or wanting a phone call when we have been or are going anywhere. It drives me a bit nuts as my mum is nothing like it. MIL also lays on the guilt that the whole family is worried as DH hadn't rang etc. I would rather have a nice day out and get home and get DDs to bed before doing anything else but DH is a little conditioned to ring as soon as we arrive.

I have cut lots more apron strings between him and MIL though re putting our family needs first and he knows how ridiculous she can be

girlywhirly · 14/08/2013 09:30

Cadlecrap, I think the situation the OP describes needs consideration/change. She would never have forgiven herself if one of the DC had been burned/scalded, but still has them clinging to her while she's trying to cook. Possible solutions could be some sort of gate or barrier so that the DC were nowhere near the cooker, or make the bolognese earlier in the day and re-heat later to save time, (why start cooking from scratch knowing it will take time when the DC are likely to be tired and hungry?), or batch cook another time and freeze for future meals, DH could have taken a little bit of time to help with the DC however urgent his work; he would still have time to eat wouldn't he? If the OP works and is just getting home at the start of the difficult time of day, all the more reason to organise meal prep and cooking more carefully, it will help her in the long run as she won't be so frazzled.

However, even if I were in the same situation, I wouldn't answer the phone at a meal time unless it was a call I was expecting and important. As previously said, some people never get the message that you won't answer at certain times, so just don't do it and call them back later. If MIL is in a huff, enjoy the break from the calls. I suspect it will only be temporary. OP is NBU in this.

ThisWayForCrazy · 14/08/2013 09:31

Don't answer the phone???

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