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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think being overweight may negatively affect your chances in online dating?

121 replies

thriftshop · 13/08/2013 21:35

And if so, what's the answer? Is it to give the whole online thing a swerve in favour of meeting people in other situations which are more personality and less looks driven? Or to lose weight and only give OD a go when you reach a certain size?...

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 13/08/2013 22:55

good point LessMiss.

Angelfootprints · 13/08/2013 22:58

I agree Darkesteyes- I do think though some men would dismiss a woman they personally were attracted too ,because she wasn't considered a beauty by social standards and they wouldn't want their friends to ridicule them.

Maybe some women do it too?

I was watching a film the other day about 30 something's and one of the male characters who married early was jealous his single friend got to sleep with a model and wouldn't stop talking about it.

In the end his friend admitted it was "Only a plus size model". As if the fact she was overweight negates the fact she was some sort of male trophy to be won.

Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 22:59

darkest I would probably be similar when (if!) I get to 11st, my arms are the thinnest part of me at the moment, and my watch is getting looser so I must still be losing weight from them.

Also even though I have lots to lose (if I'm to get to normal BMI you can see my collarbones clearly and my shoulders are bony too.

I don't think I look as fat as I am...but then I would say that wouldn't I?!

OP posts:
Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 23:03

I have seen men look at me disappointedly (no other word for it) on meeting me for the first time. Which has to be related to my weight.

I have also found a lot of men assume I am up for casual sex. I hadn't thought of this previously but I wonder whether it is an assumption that fat = easy.

OP posts:
Tweasels · 13/08/2013 23:07

I think age has something to do with it also. I think men tend to have more realistic views about women as they get older. Or, maybe it's that they don't feel the pressure to buy into the FHM norm.

I don't think your size should have any more bearing on your success in OL dating as it does in RL dating. I'd guess it'll bother some but not all men.

Angelfootprints · 13/08/2013 23:08

I have been watching that "first dates" programme though and a lot of men didn't seem unhappy when their date turned out to be overweight

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 23:11

OP what sort of men are you going for in general?

Do you prefer overweight men yourself?

How heavy or slim were the men you met up with?

Tweasels · 13/08/2013 23:12

The men who look at you disappointedly are twats. Don't get me wrong there are many men I wouldn't find attractive but if I'd liked them enough from their profile to arrange to meet them, I'd have the common decency to get to know them before making a judgement.

I'd put some full length pics on so the men who are only interested in a certain figure don't waste your time. You'll still get dates, just hopefully with the right sort of men.

LadyBeagleEyes · 13/08/2013 23:15

So don't fat men do online dating too?

Angelfootprints · 13/08/2013 23:16

But thriftshop surely they must have some idea of what you look like from your profile pictures? How can they be disappointed if they know what to expect?

LondonJax · 13/08/2013 23:18

One of my friends met his wife through on line dating. He was/is very overweight. His wife is the same size as him - they were that same size when they met. They now have a child the same age as our son. A couple of years ago they went on the only liquid diet that was popular then - lighter life or something like that and lost a huge amount of weight though they are still big people.

He'd never had a girlfriend before his wife - though he was very popular. He just didn't have confidence. He joined a group which my now hubby and I belonged to. It was aimed at people who wanted to meet new friends or do things you normally do as a group - like going to the theatre or out to dinner. It wasn't a singles group, in fact DH and I stayed members for three or four years after we married, so there wasn't that 'meat market' feeling a few of our friends had got from some groups they'd joined. Anyway our friend made a load of friends - he swears that as he was accepted for who he was rather than an 'ideal' shape, he got the confidence to do on line dating.

His wife on the other hand, had been in a long term relationship before she met her hubby - and she'd never been less than a size eighteen from her early teens. But she's a super confident lady and lovely with it.

As for the thing about blokes only going for a size ten. I've never been less than a size 14 and have been married twice. When I left my first hubby I had a whale of a time - we'll leave it at that...but being a size 14 or larger has certainly not caused me too many problems.

DH said the thing he liked about me when we met was that he felt that what he saw was what he got. He was really put off of some women he'd met through various dating clubs who'd tried to be something they weren't because they thought that was what he or another man would want. He didn't like the feeling that behind the face was a different person, if that makes sense?? And he could sense a 'desperation' that made him feel that it wasn't him that the woman was interested in, it was just that he was a man and any man would do. My attitude was I'm a size 14, enjoying my life and if he wanted to be part of it that was great as I liked him a lot but I wouldn't drop down sobbing if we didn't date as I was doing just fine in that department thanks very much. And he found that intriguing (his exact words).

The point is be yourself, if you're a size 10 fine, a size 16, fine. If you feel the need to lose weight do it but do it for you. After all, would you only date blokes over six foot tall or only under a certain age or only with a six pack that would put Mr Universe to shame? In my dreams maybe, but my gorgeous hubby only fits the first of those. I wouldn't swap him for the world so why would my not being a 'perfect' size 8 or 10 be an issue when he's not Mr Perfect on paper either?

MammaTJ · 13/08/2013 23:20

I have been overweight for a long time. I was overweight when I met DP online. I think if people are going to judge me on my weight, then they are not the people I want to be with anyway.

I am now losing weight for myself and my DC. I have lost 1 1/2 stone and still have a load more to lose. It will not make any difference to my relationship though.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 23:28

But thriftshop surely they must have some idea of what you look like from your profile pictures? How can they be disappointed if they know what to expect?

That's a very good point.

How old are your photos? Can you honestly say they reflect you entirely?

Why not Skype/Cam before arranging to meet so you both know exactly what to expect from each other?

Technotropic · 13/08/2013 23:30

It's funny that you won't get men worried about this. They will think they look "healthy" or "strong" or "manly

When in a actual fact they are fat, bald or ugly (or a combination of all three lol).

Believe it or not men do worry about very similar things and being attractive to the opposite sex is one of them. A lot of men might think they're gods gift but deep down they're just as fragile and insecure as everyone else. It's just that a lot of men are great at hiding it!

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 23:35

Of course men worry about these things.

The men I know who are over 40 tend to worry about their bellies and hair loss.

Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 23:41

I have been on dates with men of various builds - slim, average, muscular, overweight. I have been rejected by men in all those categories, more by the muscular/overweight men than the others. That's not including ones I felt no spark with.

The only real success I've had was with a man of slim build.

OP posts:
Technotropic · 13/08/2013 23:42

Definitely. The amount of men I see sporting pronounced bellies is quite shocking nowadays. It's rare to see a genuinely well proportioned man and even a lot of well built guys I see at the gym have beer bellies.

I also think it's more common to see men in their mid 30's with grey hair or receding.

I don't mean to be depressing but is just something I've noticed of late.

Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 23:45

When I was ODing (I'm not at the moment) I had several photos, including 1 full length, all taken in the last 12 months. I don't know why men gave me the disappointed look, but some did. Not all though, just some.

OP posts:
Angelfootprints · 13/08/2013 23:48

Are you sure it the real problem isn't your confidence?

You seem very down on yourself. I wonder if you went on these dates almost expecting rejection.

rosieposey · 13/08/2013 23:54

My arse will it!

Like jamesandthegiantbanana i met dh (and loads of others) on a dating website - ok it was a plus size one, but like jatgb said most men on there dont mind a bit of fat.

When i was married to my ex dh he was really mean about my weight - held up copies of elle magazine and told me this is how a real woman should look - it probably is but so are most women, big or small.

I just tried to meet through OD men that would already have a pretty good idea of how i would look size wise and root out the 'specialist' weirdos!

Anyway i met and went out with lots of fun and really interesting men and met my DH and now 2 babies later and 6 years in i can thoroughly recommend it, not every man is looking for a size 10/12/14 some men like larger some men insist on smaller but either way if you are honest from the get go everybody gets what they want :)

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 23:54

When I was ODing (I'm not at the moment) I had several photos, including 1 full length, all taken in the last 12 months. I don't know why men gave me the disappointed look, but some did. Not all though, just some.

Then I can only assume you don't particularly resemble your photos.

Take a new set of normal, every day snapshots and Skype/Cam before arranging to meet up.

Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 23:55

I'm honestly not lacking in confidence!

I know I'm bigger than a lot of women, but honestly (as I mentioned upthread) I'd always assumed I was pretty enough to compensate for that!

I have been fairly unsuccessful with ODing. I'd assumed it was bad luck, and that there was nothing I was doing wrong, until recent conversations with friends. It was only then I started thinking about how men had behaved to me on dates, and (possibly) tying that in with my size.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 23:56

Are the men who join plus sized websites not as shallow as those who prefer non plus sized women?

It sounds exactly the same to me...as in putting bodily looks before anything else?

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 23:58

I doubt it's your size OP

From everything you've said, I think it's probably your photos not reflecting what you really look like.

Honestly, take some new snapshots and I think the problem will disappear.

How can anyone be disappointed by what you look like, if they know exactly what you look like when they arrange to meet you?

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2013 23:59

They sound like arseholes Thrift The men giving you the shitty looks i mean.

Last August i got chatted up by a bloke outside a pub. Very muscular keep fit type bloke When he started talking to me i kept looking round.
a. because i thought he meant the woman who must be behind me but there was no one there.
b. i thought he was chatting me up for a bet to give himself and his mates a laugh at chatting up the fuller figured lady but there were no other blokes there.
During our chat i wondered why me as he obviously went to the gym himself.
He said my size (20) was what he prefered and that he loved my curves. So there is no telling what someones sexual preference would be by what they look like.