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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think being overweight may negatively affect your chances in online dating?

121 replies

thriftshop · 13/08/2013 21:35

And if so, what's the answer? Is it to give the whole online thing a swerve in favour of meeting people in other situations which are more personality and less looks driven? Or to lose weight and only give OD a go when you reach a certain size?...

OP posts:
MissMuesli · 13/08/2013 22:05

I think that online dating is great for larger ladies aswell as skinny ones. Most of the man are very "average" looking so not expecting perfection or a toned 6 pack or whatever.

I am actually a size 10 and met my other half online. He accepted my stretch marks, I've accepted his less than perfect teeth. We are very happy and what I'm trying to say is that looks have no reason to be a barrier as the reality is probably neither person will be perfect.

Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 22:08

I'm not losing weight with the specific goal of finding a man! I have been dieting (well, eating healthily, but you know what I mean) for a while - well before far more recent conversations about whether weight might be a reason for a lot of failed OD dates.

I have had the experience of men, on meeting me after exchanging messages online, looking me up and down. And in a disappointed way. That didn't do much for the self-esteem!

OP posts:
Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 22:12

dontstep I am nowhere near Herts sorry, otherwise I would have been happy to give speed dating a go!

You've reminded me to look for one in my area (and then find a friend I can drag along for moral support).

OP posts:
Famzilla · 13/08/2013 22:14

worra - oh yeah, I see what you mean! It's been a long day..

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2013 22:14

It's funny that you won't get men worried about this. They will think they look "healthy" or "strong" or "manly."

Notice they don't have sizes in the way we do. You'd never get a man mentioning their size to another man. Most men's shops will sell clothes for a massive range of sizes. We don't look at men and think "Bet he's a size whatever." It just doesn't happen, whereas men will blithely say that if you're more than a size 12 you needn't bother writing to him.

YouAreMyRain · 13/08/2013 22:20

I met my DP through OD. I was a size 18 (bigger now as pregnant!). I referred to it in my profile in a positive way and added that I regularly ran 5k ie not a couch potato.
I also included some full length pics so no one would be shocked/surprised etc on meeting me . I had around 8 dates, all wanted to see me again but I only wanted one of them.

I was very relaxed and confident and just enjoyed chatting to them/getting to know new people. Must have been doing something right!

Very happy now Smile

Angelfootprints · 13/08/2013 22:20

I'm afraid its true that men generally do prefer slimmer women. When I dating I could told by more than one bloke "if you ever got fat I would dump you".

Thankfully I didn't marry any of those idiots as I have put on a ton of weight since dc2 and I just want to shift it. Luckily DH doesn't make me feel bad though I know he would prefer the slimmer me back (mainly as it makes my feel so rubbish about myself).

I did find when I was single and overweight I didn't get asked out much at all. But a few months later when I lost a few stone I would get approached a lot, lot more and get lots more compliments. I was still me, just less fat.

So sadly, op I think weight is an issue ( and I say that as someone with far more weight to lose than you).

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/08/2013 22:25

I am always baffled by many MNers' idea that 12-14 is 'overweight'. I am a 12-14 and would describe myself as slim. And other people do as well so it's not just me being body dysmorphic. You can see my ribs and collarbones and I am not exceptionally tall either - 5'8'.

Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 22:28

I met my ex through friends (when I was 3 stone larger than I am now). Didn't bother him in the slightest.

But I do suspect men who OD sometimes have an 'ideal' in mind, which probably isn't me! I did used to think being quite pretty would make men overlook the weight, I think maybe I was wrong!

I do agree though there are lots of overweight men who OD, and often they are more fussy ('nothing over a 10/12' 'no fat lasses' and so on) than men who are of average or slim build.

OP posts:
TravelinColour · 13/08/2013 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SofiaVagueara · 13/08/2013 22:30

If it was me I would want to get down to at least a size 12 before I did it. I am a size 14 now, and would hope to get down to a 10 and update my pic.

MissMuesli · 13/08/2013 22:31

Tondelayo- I am a size 10. I weigh 8st 10 which is fairly small but if I got upto a size 12/14 it generally puts me into the "overweight" category as I'm only 5 foot 1. Size 10 is right for me, size 12 would definitely be too big both loos an health wise for me frame.

Icelollycraving · 13/08/2013 22:32

I met dh online. I had a lot of dates with men I met online.
Some prefer slim women,just like in real life Hmm
Most men were very happy to meet me,probably only one or two didn't once they knew my dress size. I was always very honest more than I can say for the men.
Lose weight if you want,size 14 is hardly big is it?

FantasticDay · 13/08/2013 22:36

I'm a size 16/18 and met my husband online. His profile said 'stick thin model types' did nothing for him. The important thing though is we were totally compatible on all 150 or so other questions -we decided to get married on our 5th date! Ten years and two kids later, we're very happy. Soukmates. I'd say to for it! Good luck!

teacherandguideleader · 13/08/2013 22:36

I think the only thing that affects your chances of online dating are whether you are yourself or not.

When I first used it, I only put up photos of me dolled up on a night out. So I had 6 photos of me looking glamorous - probably the only 6 times I had ever looked glamorous. I always met people that just wanted someone to take on nights out, never anything deep and meaningful.

After my last relationship broke down, I binned the glamorous photos and used ones of me being me - pictures where I've got my tracksuit bottoms tucked in my socks because I'm wading through 3 inches of mud, or pictures of me hanging upside down from a zip wire. In all of the pictures I looked a little windswept and not at my best. But I met someone who doesn't expect me to be made up like a doll all the time, and who likes me because of who I am, not what I might look like on the end of his arm.

soontobeburns · 13/08/2013 22:38

I was a size 20 when I met my OH online. Like YouAreMyRain I put a positive spin on it and came of confident and got lots of interest and guys wanting to date me.

I had more luck online than real life as my personality came through. I think a profile is much more important.

I would rather date someone whose profile said they where similar to me but not "good looking" than a gorgeous guy who was a health nut and likes trance music.

Personally always comes first for me.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 13/08/2013 22:39

Hahahaha! No.

On plus size dating websites it's pretty much the same as normal dating sites, the nice looking women are inundated with messages. I got loads, and met loads of guys.Plus size dating sites are better than meeting men in real life and wondering if they've "settled" for you because you're overweight. The men have to actively join and message you, so you know where you stand. They either like your photo and description or they don't! If they don't, five other guys will!

Have I misunderstood the question? Wink

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 22:42

I am always baffled by many MNers' idea that 12-14 is 'overweight'

I'm 5ft 3" with a very small frame

A size 12 would see me definitely overweight and a size 14 probably obese...or near enough.

It really is more to do with height and frame than being simply a 'dress size' IYSWIM?

SofiaVagueara · 13/08/2013 22:44

Me too Worra. I'm five foot and a size 12-14 and am about a stone and a half overweight an look big.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 22:47

Sofia if I told everyone my friend/neighbour is a size 6 at her very largest dress size, I imagine most would assume she has an ED.

But she's only 4ft 10" and her DS was taller than her when he was aged 8yrs Grin

Original poster
thriftshop · 13/08/2013 22:48

I have 3 stone to lose to get to 'normal' BMI. I am 5ft 6 and a 14-16.

OP posts:
Angelfootprints · 13/08/2013 22:49

I sometimes do wonder if men really are that bothered by a woman being overweight - or actually are more bothered they wont impress their mates with someone who is not slim?

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2013 22:50

At a size 12 i weighed 11 stone In my after photo from 2004 everyone who saw the photo said that my arms were spindly. Im 5 foot 5 hourglass big boobs. So with big boobs yet spindly arms strappy dresses were a no no.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2013 22:51

Angel i reckon a lot of them have been reading too much FHM I think if they are that bothered what their mates think then they are not ready for a relationship.

LessMissAbs · 13/08/2013 22:52

I wouldn't have thought the few single men online would be possessed of the attributes to be more fussy than the average man in the street.

Plus there are probably plenty of controlling men online who would love to get their hands on an overweight woman, preferably lacking confidence, to mould her to their ways.