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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is the nursery?

82 replies

sandwichyear · 13/08/2013 01:19

I know this is a very minor problem in the general scheme of things!

DS is 2, nearly 3. He goes to nursery/ preschool where they take them in nappies, and then help them with potty training when the parent decides it's time. He has been potty training for a while, and it has been a long process, but he is gradually getting there. He is pretty good with wees but less so with poo and has quite a lot of accidents mixed in with some successes. We have tried hard to be completely consistent with him, always putting him in pants rather than a nappy even if it means dealing with accidents plus all the usual things. We discussed this with the nursery and they agreed that was the way to go. A couple of weeks ago we found that they were putting him back in nappies in the afternoon in case he had a poo accident without discussing this with us. I asked them very nicely not to do that any more as I didn't want to give him mixed messages and when he's wearing a nappy he switches off from both wee and poo and it sets him back. They agreed and said they woulnd't do it any more. Then I went to pick him up today and he was back in a nappy. I queried it (very very nicely) and the teacher said they had discussed it at the staff meeting and decided that they couldn't be expected to clean up after him if he had an accident as they had too many other kids to focus on and would be putting him in nappies in the afternoons until he can go on his own. I totally understand that it is hard work being a preschool teacher and horrible to have to clean up poo, but I was annoyed that they hadn't discussed this decision with me and feel as though its' really giving him mixed messages and stalling his potty training and undermining what we are doing at home. AIBU? I know that this is a totally obnoxious thing to say but they charge a huge amount for this preschool if that makes any difference either way!

Thanks v much!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 13/08/2013 06:19

They probably shouldn't have done it it what sort of time period are we looking at? Sounds to me like he isn't ready to be potty trained yet.

megsmouse · 13/08/2013 06:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinty64 · 13/08/2013 06:24

I think, for the comfort and safety of your ds, the staff and the other children, your ds should be wearing some sort of protection be it nappies, pull-ups or washable trainer pants. However this should have been discussed with you first. How old is ds?

MidniteScribbler · 13/08/2013 06:47

If he's having a lot of accidents, then it doesn't sound like he is ready. It's one thing for the nursery to clean up the occasional accident, but if he's pooing every single afternoon, then they shouldn't be expected to clean up every single day after one child. Have you tried pull ups? It may be a good compromise.

Spottypurse · 13/08/2013 06:50

It sounds to me like he's not ready yet. If he's having that many accidents.

ButchCassidy · 13/08/2013 06:52

He doesnt sound ready to potty train.

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 13/08/2013 06:55

Does he poo after luch?

NewAtThisMalarky · 13/08/2013 07:01

How long have you been potty training for?

It sounds like it has been weeks. If he was ready it wouldn't take that long. And if he was ready I'm sure the nursery would be doing everything to support you.

They understand children, and wouldn't make that decision lightly. Although they should have told you - which Imo is the only thing they were unreasonable about.

BikeRunSki · 13/08/2013 07:17

I agree that it doesn't sound like he is ready, although the nursery should discuss their management of PT ing your DS with you. It is a joint process, and you need to follow their tactics as much as they need to take yours. They will have helped PT hundreds of children, I' d take their lead if I were you. DS was ready at a similar age. PT took less than a week, with only a handful of accidents. Wee and poo, night and day all happened at once when we did PT. I appreciate that we may have just been very lucky though, buy I am waiting a while helped. I didn' t quite see how carting around three changes of clothes and begging my child to sit in a potty was going to help.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 13/08/2013 07:20

They are being unreasonable.

If they felt he was too young and not ready they should be sitting down with you to explain why, not just putting him in nappies without any communication.

Fairylea · 13/08/2013 07:21

Potty training should only take a few days, a week at most otherwise they just aren't ready.

I don't think he sounds ready and would give it a rest for a bit and try not to worry about it.

In my experience (and I've fostered lots of dc before) when they are genuinely ready they get it very, very quickly.

NeverQuiteSure · 13/08/2013 07:46

I completely agree with the sentiment Fairylea, but would say up to 10 days (2 weeks even maybe?) for some children.

My DS did ever single poo & wee in his pants for 5 whole days and refused to even try the potty. By the end of day 6 he was weeing in the loo and by the end of day 8 he was clean too. Hardly any accidents and was nappy free at night one week later (on his 3rd birthday). He never had an accident at night and took himself off to the loo and had only tthe rarest accident during the day, so was completely ready - just took a little longer than the week you said.

I do know what you mean though, as I started a little earlier with DD (family pressure!) and she wasn't reliably clean and dry and taking herself to thr loo until the same age DS was. I wish is stuck to my guns and saved myself a month of living on tenterhooks. A little boy I know was trained (to much fanfare) before 18 months. He's about 2.5 now and regularly has accidents at parent & toddler group, Mum can't leave the house without spare clothes and travel potty and is constantly asking "do you need a wee/poo" and taking him to try etc.

NeverQuiteSure · 13/08/2013 07:50

...and I realise I forgot to answer your question OP!

IMO the nursery is BU not to have discussed this with you. As to whether they'd be BU not to continue with the potty training, it depends on how long your DS has been training really.

Groovee · 13/08/2013 07:51

As someone who has potty trained a lot of children, we always gave it 2 weeks. Most children click within days but if it's been going on for ages then he just isn't ready.

It was the one part of my job I hated. I am very fortunate to have had 2 children, one who told me she needed the toilet and was dry from then on. The other announced no more nappies mum, and was fully dry in 3 days.

I would go back to nappies and then try again. I know a lot of people don't like Gina Ford but her potty training book makes a lot of sense.

Dackyduddles · 13/08/2013 07:58

Yanbu in that communication has for some reason broken down on their side. That needs dealing with.

Possibly bu if he's really not getting it. That said my dd has been dry since June 1st but still gets poos wrong sometimes. Not every day though. I think that's normal via our nursery chats. Put question in toilet thread. Might help.

curlew · 13/08/2013 08:02

The nursery shouldn't have made the decision without discussing it with you.

But he is obviously not ready. Go back to nappies and try again in 3 months or so. Or when he asks.

soapboxqueen · 13/08/2013 08:05

Agree with others. The nursery should have discussed with you what they intended on doing rather than just doing it. However, even if they had discussed it, it wouldn't have meant they would change their minds.

It sounds like your little one isn't ready to potty train yet. Put him back in nappies and try again in a month or so.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/08/2013 08:08

I would agree with the others and say leave it a bit. My DS definitely wasn't ready at that age, but trained in a week (bar the odd accident) at 3.5. The nursery should have discussed this with you properly though.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/08/2013 08:09

I think the nursery are perfectly in their rights to stop for the reasons they have given. They should have mentioned it to you though.

Manman · 13/08/2013 08:15

I'm a childminder and have helped to potty train many children, I would say that your child doesn't seem ready yet and would be much less stressful for everyone if you waited a while. Potty training if done when the child is actually more than ready really can just take a week or so and doesn't have to be such a hard experience for everyone involved.
However the nursery should have sat down with you and explained this and not just gone behind your back,that is very very poor communication on their behalf.

RedHelenB · 13/08/2013 08:16

Is he there all day like a proper nursery? If so I think they should have the staff to deal with potty training, if it is just a session though at a village hall say I can see why they wouldn't. When my girls went to pre school at 2 1/2 they had to be potty trained.

Feelingworried67 · 13/08/2013 08:16

Yanbu to be annoyed they didn't discuss this with you or bring you up to speed.

I don't think, from your post, that he is ready, my DS trained in 2 days at 2.5 but I had previously tried to train him at 2yo and he clearly wasn't ready with the amount of accidents he had had. I'd say hold off until after Christmas, but try and teach him to tell you when he is doing the toilet in his nappy, this may make it easier for when he is ready

intheshed · 13/08/2013 08:23

YABU sorry, it's not fair on the staff or the other children if he is soiling himself every day. Could you not send him in in pull ups, and ask them to still encourage him to use the toilet?

I agree they should have told you though.

Turniptwirl · 13/08/2013 09:08

Yanbu to think they should have told you but yabu to expect them to clean your child's poo every day. Leave it for a few months and try again when he's more ready

BrokenSunglasses · 13/08/2013 09:13

They should have told you, nit they probably made the right decision. You can't expect them to clean up a poo accident on a regular basis to help potty training, it's not fair on them, or the other children.

Potty training shouldn't take that long if a child is ready for it.