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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is the nursery?

82 replies

sandwichyear · 13/08/2013 01:19

I know this is a very minor problem in the general scheme of things!

DS is 2, nearly 3. He goes to nursery/ preschool where they take them in nappies, and then help them with potty training when the parent decides it's time. He has been potty training for a while, and it has been a long process, but he is gradually getting there. He is pretty good with wees but less so with poo and has quite a lot of accidents mixed in with some successes. We have tried hard to be completely consistent with him, always putting him in pants rather than a nappy even if it means dealing with accidents plus all the usual things. We discussed this with the nursery and they agreed that was the way to go. A couple of weeks ago we found that they were putting him back in nappies in the afternoon in case he had a poo accident without discussing this with us. I asked them very nicely not to do that any more as I didn't want to give him mixed messages and when he's wearing a nappy he switches off from both wee and poo and it sets him back. They agreed and said they woulnd't do it any more. Then I went to pick him up today and he was back in a nappy. I queried it (very very nicely) and the teacher said they had discussed it at the staff meeting and decided that they couldn't be expected to clean up after him if he had an accident as they had too many other kids to focus on and would be putting him in nappies in the afternoons until he can go on his own. I totally understand that it is hard work being a preschool teacher and horrible to have to clean up poo, but I was annoyed that they hadn't discussed this decision with me and feel as though its' really giving him mixed messages and stalling his potty training and undermining what we are doing at home. AIBU? I know that this is a totally obnoxious thing to say but they charge a huge amount for this preschool if that makes any difference either way!

Thanks v much!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 13/08/2013 16:19

But you don't force children to do any of those things, they do it in their own time whereas so many parents do make their child toilet train before they are ready.

MaryPoppinsBag · 13/08/2013 16:19

I don't think the nursery is being unreasonable at all.

Have you thought about taking a week off to train him properly yourself? I was lucky to work a shift pattern that allowed me 8 consecutive days off and I trained DS1 on one of these weeks off. And was off as SAHM with ds2.

It's much harder to clean up a child at nursery than at home. I tended to shower down my DS's if we had a poo accident. Not many nurseries can do that.

Also had you provided the nappies/ pull ups? If you had they may have thought it ok to pop them on.

I think that if you get some else to look after your child there will always be an element of compromise.

Platinumstart · 13/08/2013 16:24

I have potty trained three - the first trained very early and so I followed suit with the other two and spent 3 days clearing up accidents. They clearly weren't ready.

I knocked it on the head trying again a couple of months later.

As a result all three were accident free (during the day) after a day or two

ICBINEG · 13/08/2013 16:27

plat how did you identify they were ready the second time?

DuelingFanjo · 13/08/2013 16:35

"Have you thought about taking a week off to train him properly yourself? "

How do you train a baby properly?

I took a week off, no luck. So we just continued with no nappies until he got the idea. it took longer than a week.

Platinumstart · 13/08/2013 16:35

ICBINEG mostly luck I think, but removing nappies immediately after soiling is a good starting point. Good luck

DuelingFanjo · 13/08/2013 16:35

Out of interest - those people who managed to train within three days... what method(s) did you use?

Platinumstart · 13/08/2013 16:36

as in when they start removing their nappy as soon as they have wee'd

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 13/08/2013 16:41

DD1 was dry day and night by her first birthday, DD2 only just by Christmas past, and she was almost 5. Every child is different. We have tried on several occassions since her 3rd birthday but she was not ready.

She was becoming upset in herself, so we took a step back (tesco pull ups though) and left it, eventually she was ready and has had only 1 accident in the night since December.

Platinumstart · 13/08/2013 16:42

Ok what worked with me (x3) was encouraging the first wee in potty/toilet and rewarding with chocolate button s then straight in pants (no naked bums, no nappies) followed by asking every twenty mins do you need a wee and sitting them on the toilet/potty periodically.

You need time and it is intensive - really don't recommend leaving house for a couple of days.

Youngest is 2 years 5 mths and I did this a few weeks back And honestly she had one accident the first morning and that was it.

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 13/08/2013 16:42

FFs first Hmm second birthday, her 2nd

Original poster
sandwichyear · 13/08/2013 16:48

thank you.

For the people saying he is not ready: do you really think we should just put him back in nappies and abandon the whole thing even though he is pretty consistently good with wees and proud of himself for it? Won't that damage his self confidence somehow or send the wrong message? Genuine question as I'm now totally unsure of the right thing to do.

Thanks v much

OP posts:
soverylucky · 13/08/2013 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 13/08/2013 16:54

Pull ups...don't lie him down to change, if he does a poo in the pullups take them off in the bathroom and wipe as if he's had in toilet. Thats what I would do. That way you're not 'babying' him (ie not putting him on mat etc), you're in the bathroom, which is for big boys

Original poster
sandwichyear · 13/08/2013 17:02

I would say he has about 2-3 accidents a week with wee, and is successful the rest of the time, which seems pretty average amongst his friends of hte same age who are all considered potty trained. Poo is the main problem although he is starting to have some successes and feels incredibly proud of himself when he does. PUll ups are a bit problematic because he sees them as exactly the same as nappies and switches off from teh whole thing when he is wearing them- weeing in them as well as poo-ing so it feels like just reverting to nappies. Maybe training pants are the way to go. I am really surprised though at everyone saying that their kids were trained in a week and then rarely had accidents after that, as all the kids i know in RL have relatively regular accidents- certainly a couple of times a week. But maybe as I said we have all just whipped each other up into training all our kids when none of them are ready!

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 13/08/2013 17:04

we trained DD very quickly. It took 3 attempts and I gave it a week each time - if it wasn't happening (ie loads of accidents, not understanding about taking herself to the potty) I stopped. On the first 2 attempts she also held in her poos for several days at a time.

3rd attempt did take no time, and we didn't really do anything bar take her nappy off! She just seemed to 'get it' that time, and looking back I could see how she hadn't been ready the previous 2 times. Choc buttons for a reward, that was it. She had just turned 3.

It was reading on MN that made me realize that potty-training didn't have to be weeks and months of accidents. That gave me the confidence to stop fairly quickly if it wasn't happening.

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/08/2013 17:11

With my first, I potty trained him at just turned 2 and it took a while. With my 3rd, I waited until she turned 3 and it took about 36 hours.

So for me, leaving it a bit longer meant the child really understood the whole thing and thankfully there were a lot less accidents.

I don't think nursery are unfair really - a poo accident everyday is not great to be dealing with.

elah11 · 13/08/2013 17:14

I have 3 children and as a child minder I have trained many other children over the years and normally most kids are trained pretty quickly, within a week or two. To be still having 2 or 3 wee accidents a week and lots of poo accidents months later wouldn't be the norm . In my experience most children don't wet or soil themselves regularly once the initial training period is over.

Exhaustipated · 13/08/2013 17:20

I am a convert to waiting until they're really ready, as after several attempts when younger my DS recently trained at 3.5 in a weekend! He had about 3 wee accidents during the whole process. We used bribery a sticker/reward chart which worked well as he was able to understand it by that age.

I agree that the nursery should discuss it with you, but that he dosent sound ready to be away from home without some further protection-maybe those liner things that go in pants? Or pull ups combined with a reward for poos in the lop?

IrisWildthyme · 13/08/2013 17:28

I don't think it has to send the wrong message if you present it right i.e. don't say anything that could let him think you are cross, sad or think he's failed.

I would say that pull-ups are better than going back into nappies presicely because you can then talk about how he's not a baby any more and doesn't wear nappies, just pull-ups. And keep telling him that one day he won't need pullups any more either, once he knows how to make poo in the potty too. You can explain that pullups are special pants that are for boys who are too grownup to make a wee in their pants any more but aren't quite ready yet to know how to not make a poo in their pants sometimes.

He should be able to pull the pullups down and up by himself and should still be able to do wees in the potty (and should be praised for doing so). We had a long time of pullups, weeing in potty but pooing in pullups, before one day he was just suddenly ready and happy to make poo in the potty too.

Original poster
sandwichyear · 13/08/2013 17:40

thanks v much everyone-
i actually just talked to another teacher at nursery about it, from the point of view of "can you advise us from your experience about whether he is ready/ whether we should pull back etc etc" rather than criticising what they did with the nappies. Interestingly the other teacher said that what was happening was pretty normal- that they can be good with wees but still not comfortable around poos, especially away from home adn that we should get him super confident at home before trying again at school. She was really nice about it and made me feel much better. she also said that not all kids take a week or two to train and for many kids it is a much longer process so that made me feel better too! I guess they are all different. thanks again everyone for your responses.

OP posts:
Faithless12 · 13/08/2013 19:01

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief - We have been putting DS on the toilet/potty for poos from a similar age as your DD and he will ask for a poo to be put on the toilet. We have a few accidents ie in nappy mainly from upset stomachs. He is now 25 months, wees are a different matter altogether. He will not tell you if he needs a wee unless it's a very small one.

NeverQuiteSure · 13/08/2013 19:16

Sandwichyear - I have just remembered one thing I tried when potty training DD (who I started too early in hindsight btw, see my earlier post!) She also mastered wees before poos and I was worried she was going to make herself constipated as she was starting to hold them in (she hated having accidents) so I said that she could ask for a nappy to do her poos in. She'd ask, I'd put it on, she'd slink off to a corner somewhere then she'd come back and we'd change back into knickers. After a little while of this I said she had to sit on the potty or loo (wearing the nappy) if she wanted one. Then, when she was kind of ok with that (never happy though!) she started trying on the loo without the nappy first. Eventually it did click. Good luck!

TeWiSavesTheDay · 13/08/2013 19:42

Just to reassure you DD took more than a year to train completely (and actually she's had a couple of accidents this week - she's 4 and starts school in a month!!)

For her the main issue was an undiagnosed food intolerance, once we'd sorted that things were much better!

But also it is just one of those things that she personally finds very difficult - she dislikes pooling outside of her comfort zone (prefers to do it at home, so will try and hold on) and finds it hard to gauge how much longer she can hold on for. These are things she's had to experience and practice and learn.

I don't think either of those would have been solved by reverting to nappies, which made her 'switch off' and actually she was clean/dry at night, and at pre-school months before she managed to follow through with it all day, so absolutely wasn't an issue of not being capable.

Don't listen to people who say if it takes more ygM x amount of time they aren't ready - that's mostly bollocks. But I do agree with the teacher you spoke to that being confident at home really helps.

ICBINEG · 13/08/2013 19:56

Plat thanks for that - we are nowhere near ready then...which is what I thought...but it is good to have it backed up!