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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Number of partners

84 replies

fl85 · 13/08/2013 00:21

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I'm 28 and my husband is 34. We have been together since I was 23 and he was 29.

He told me quite early on in our relationship that he had not been with many other women (I was the 4th partner he had been with). Bearing in mind he is 6 years older when he asked me I panicked and told him I had been with 7 others. In reality 7 was the number I would class as relationships. If you take into account one night stands and friends with benefits the number is alot more. When we got serious I always wanted to come clean but I chickened out then as time has gone on it has never come up.

Recently my sister split with her husband and has been enjoying being single again over the last few months. Tonight she was at ours and we were just chatting and my husband happened to overhear her say that she had now slept with 25 people.

When she had gone he had a total go about how terrible it was that she had been with so many people and that I should tell her to behave better. I told him that I didnt think it was such a big deal and that 25 people wasnt that many anyway (she is 31). It caused a massive row and Im really worried now about what he would say if he found out my number (more than 25).

I dont think Im being unreasonable here but would like to hear what others think. He is in the spare room tonight after his outburst!

OP posts:
smallfaces · 13/08/2013 00:35

Is there any way he would find out from someone else? If so I would come clean but if not then I wouldn't say anything.

HarrietSchulenberg · 13/08/2013 00:37

As Ketty Lester so perfectly sang, "Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid".

Lweji · 13/08/2013 00:38

He shouldn't care how many people you (or anyone else) has been with, prior to being with him, apart from any concerns with STIs.
His attitude could be a red flag.
What do you think he would say? Why aren't you prepared to tell him that you don't want to be with someone who is so judgemental?

While I don't think we should necessarily tell everything to our partners, if he's not prepared to accept that you had been with whoever you had been with, do you think he's the right person for you?

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2013 00:40

I smell double standards. A bit of sexism with a sprinkling of mysogny and a touch of Madonna/whore complex.

Original poster
fl85 · 13/08/2013 00:46

Smallfaces - there are a few people that could tell him but they haven't in 5 years so I assume the secret is safe

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 00:50

How is it double standards if the guy has only been with 4 women?

OP he obviously has old fashioned ideas.

You don't have to tell him how many men you've had sex with...it's not the law or anything.

So it's your call...but I'm sure you know he's likely to over react.

Original poster
fl85 · 13/08/2013 00:54

I dont want to ask personal questions about other members but do people think 25 partners is alot for a 31 year old?

OP posts:
Gruntfuttocks · 13/08/2013 00:55

Maybe he's a teensy bit insecure and it's coming out as this rather angry judgemental attitude. If I were you I'd keep my mouth shut. If he hasn't asked you, he probably doesn't really want to know. Perhaps he has twigged from your attitude to your sister's recent activities that perhaps you share similar views to her and maybe your number isn't as small as you previously told him.

Original poster
fl85 · 13/08/2013 00:55

Worraliberty - yeag I wasnt sure about the whole double stardards comment either

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/08/2013 00:58

Meh, when I met dh he was number 30. That was 30 years ago...

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/08/2013 00:59

Sorry. Should have added, I'd just turned 21.

mercury7 · 13/08/2013 01:01

yep I'd also I'd say he reacted aggressively because his sense of masculine sexual prowess has been threatenedWink

IneedAyoniNickname · 13/08/2013 01:03

I'm 28 and have only slept with 4 people. I have friends my age who I suspect are in, or at least close to, treble figures.

MrsKoala · 13/08/2013 01:03

Tbh if it was me, and my DH behaved like that i'd, be really cross and tell him i'd slept with more than that her and he had to just grow the fuck up.

I don't think it's lots - i was on double that by about 25. But it's his attitude which would bother me. Not the fact he may find out my number.

piprabbit · 13/08/2013 01:08

It is none of his or your business how many people your sister has slept with. It certainly isn't up to you to try and monitor and control your sister's sex life - I can't begin to understand why he thinks he has a right to a) criticise your sister b) want her to change her behaviour c) expect you to do anything about it.

I'd tell him very firmly that whether your sister has slept with one person or one hundred, in future you won't be discussing the subject with him again because it is your sister's private business.

If he has any sense he will back off.

Sophita · 13/08/2013 01:55

I think when it comes to discussing sexual history with a current partner, discretion is by far the better part of valor. You did the right thing and stuck up for your sister - I'd be inclined to leave it there, as there's clearly little to be gained by setting the record straight in terms of your own past when it is just that - past.

Sophita · 13/08/2013 01:59

also, not sure if this is directly relevant to your DH, but I think some men who haven't slept with a lot of women get insecure because they confuse quantity with quality. I remember a boyfriend at university who was really hung up on the fact that I'd had a couple more partners than him - but he'd been in a previous relationship for five years, and in terms of understanding sex and bodies and trying out different things, he was lightyears more experienced than me.

MistressDeeCee · 13/08/2013 03:03

Whats it got to do with your DH how many men your sis has slept with? Even worse to moralise and have a go at you about it. Its your sis, you must have been very hurt. I agree with piprabbit, tell him firmly you wont be discussing your sis' private business with him again and you dont want to hear any more about it. As to the rest...stick to the number you told him if he ever mentions your past. Youve no way of knowing if he was telling you the truth about numbers anyway & if he didnt wilfully set out to marry a vestal virgin its a non-convo anyway..what does it matter

PearlyWhites · 13/08/2013 03:07

Yes op 25 people is a lot

Snog · 13/08/2013 03:42

25 is one every 6 months on average so hardly outrageous imo

MrsKoala · 13/08/2013 03:56

A lot compared to what/who Pearly?

LumpInTheCustard · 13/08/2013 04:33

I would be right off anyone who was such a little judgy-pants about something so unimportant as how many people someone has had sex with.

Does he know of some magical number of partners that is the cut off point between acceptable shagging and slut-hood? If so what is it? Is 8 okay, but 9 too many? Does the acceptable number increase with age, or if you use up your allocated number of lifetime shag-partners before you're 21 are you then stuck in celibacy for the rest of your life in case you upset the hysterical shag-monitor? Hmm

And I don't think 25 is a shockingly high number, in fact I think it is a pretty ordinary sort of amount for that age range - IME at least.

megsmouse · 13/08/2013 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep · 13/08/2013 07:19

it may be a lot to some people but not to others - the point is it's no ones business to get all judgy about it

waltzingmathilda · 13/08/2013 07:22

Depends what you define a lot as.

Average according to The Telegraph is men = 9, women = 4 www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/sexual-health-and-advice/8958520/Average-man-has-9-sexual-partners-in-lifetime-women-have-4.html

Although I seem to remember reading that the true number is 11 a piece.

In this day and age, I would assume 25 would be a relatively small number for a woman in her 20's, but 25 would be an extremely high number for a woman in her 80's.