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Original poster

Number of partners

84 replies

fl85 · 13/08/2013 00:21

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I'm 28 and my husband is 34. We have been together since I was 23 and he was 29.

He told me quite early on in our relationship that he had not been with many other women (I was the 4th partner he had been with). Bearing in mind he is 6 years older when he asked me I panicked and told him I had been with 7 others. In reality 7 was the number I would class as relationships. If you take into account one night stands and friends with benefits the number is alot more. When we got serious I always wanted to come clean but I chickened out then as time has gone on it has never come up.

Recently my sister split with her husband and has been enjoying being single again over the last few months. Tonight she was at ours and we were just chatting and my husband happened to overhear her say that she had now slept with 25 people.

When she had gone he had a total go about how terrible it was that she had been with so many people and that I should tell her to behave better. I told him that I didnt think it was such a big deal and that 25 people wasnt that many anyway (she is 31). It caused a massive row and Im really worried now about what he would say if he found out my number (more than 25).

I dont think Im being unreasonable here but would like to hear what others think. He is in the spare room tonight after his outburst!

OP posts:
BrokenBanana · 13/08/2013 07:28

Well over 25 is more than I would like to sleep with, but it obviously feels like a normal amount for you and plenty of other people so that's fine. There's no rule on how many is too much and too little, it just varies from person to person.

I don't know about what you should tell your DH. If you have a good, strong relationship then it might be worth mentioning if you can find a good time to tell him, I wouldn't do it while he's so wound up about your sister though!

And good for you standing up for her, she can sleep with as many men as she likes!

sillybilly10 · 13/08/2013 07:34

This might be a warning sign for you. My DH was furious 4 months into our relationship when we discussed previous partners. I halved mine to 11 ( I was 28 at the time) and he had only been with one other person. He said I was a slag and was dirty. Stupidly I continued with the relationship. Now he regularly accuses me of having affairs and is very verbally abusive. Deal with this situation with your DH and resolve it as it develop into something else.

HairyGrotter · 13/08/2013 07:34

Your DP sounds like a misogynistic little boy. What the fuck has your sisters sex life got to do with him? Fancy telling you to 'have a word' with her ha

Her body, her choice and 25 isn't that much, I'd smash that figure out of the ball park and I'm 32. Your sex life pre-DP is your business, it's not imperative that he knows figures! My DP has only slept with 7 women, and he knows that I've slept with a fair few more men than 7, end of discussion.

If you want to tell him; tell him but is it vital info? No

thebody · 13/08/2013 07:45

you had a massive row over your sisters sex life???

you both need to get out more.

and who counts how many partners they have had as I thought that was just in the 'inbetweeners'.

sorry optic both need to grow up.

thegreylady · 13/08/2013 07:52

I am 69 and have had sex with 8 men three of whom I was married to and 4 were one night stands. Since 1969 I have only had two sexual partners-dh2 and dh3. I think 20+ is an awful lot. My ons were all when my marriage to dh1 was in bits as he was having an affair with my best friend (honestly). The other was a longer term 'comfort' relationship between dh1 and dh2.

Numberlock · 13/08/2013 07:54

when he asked me

That would have been a red flag for me right from the start. Why do people ask this questions? What good can ever come out of the answer?

how terrible it was that she had been with so many people and that I should tell her to behave better

And no way would I stay with a man who had such a view of women.

Agree with the previous posters that he's a misogynistic arsehole.

If this was your brother we both know his attitude would be entirely different...

quesadilla · 13/08/2013 08:23

Don't think there are double standards at play: he hasn't been promiscuous so not like its one rule for the girls and one for the boys.

But your sister's sex life is by no conceivable stretch of the imagination his business.

In terms of your own sexual history I would be inclined to keep my mouth shut. Because a) you aren't obliged to disclose this information to him: its in the past b) he will clearly react badly and it's hard to see the upside for you and c) how is he going to find out independently? It's not as if any of your close friends or family is going to tell him

Trills · 13/08/2013 08:30

It doesn't matter if we think 25 is a lot, what matters is whether you think that this is an acceptable attitude towards people who have had more sexual partners.

Maybe you agree. Maybe you think that your sister should "behave better" and you think that past you should have "behaved better".

Or maybe you think that your sister and past you can do as they please with other consenting adults, and there's nothing "badly behaved" about it.

HatieKokpins · 13/08/2013 08:32

I have no idea exactly how many people I've slept with. More than many, but many less than some others, probably. I have no idea how many people my husband has slept with. I don't particularly care, either.

Whilst it may be interesting, it's not really any of my business what he did before we met, and none of his what I did before we met either - certainly neither of us have any "right" to be offended over the sex lives we had before our relationship began.

What IS his business however is who I sleep with now.

ArgyMargy · 13/08/2013 08:32

Why is he in the spare room?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 13/08/2013 08:41

Your husband is judgemental and prissy and it's none of his business. I think my number is around 25 and I'm 33 with a marriage in the middle and I don't think I have been outrageous. It's a shame you lied in the first place but it's done now, no real need to tell him unless you want to shake up his old fashioned and judgemental worldview, could be worth doing but the fallout might be unpleasant for you.

AKissIsNotAContract · 13/08/2013 08:47

I've had quite a lot, stopped counting at 50, I'm 31. I'm sure I've had more than DH to be but he'd never ask or make a big deal about my number. I think your DH is being weird. What your sister does is none of his concern

smallfaces · 13/08/2013 09:20

If he hasn't found out from anyone in the 5 years then I def wouldn't tell him. 25 isn't a lot anyway, I know a girl who is 22 and well into 50+. It annoys me that people have different reactions to a guy sleeping with 25 people than a woman sleeping with 25 people.

sillybilly10 LTB

Fairylea · 13/08/2013 09:43

I think it's a massive overreaction to have a row about it.

But I guess, to be fair, having a reasonably high number of sexual partners (man or woman) says a lot about your attitudes to sex and relationships.

My dh is 26 and has slept with 2 people, one of whom is me.

I am 33 and I have slept with 8 people, all relationships, two marriages before my dh.

Dh doesn't care about how many people I've slept with but he would care if they were one night strands as neither of us really agree with them personally so he would be a bit unhappy to discover I'd had lots of them for example... ie it's not about the sex or number of people, it's the circumstances.

Maybe this is where your dh is coming from?

Sallyingforth · 13/08/2013 10:25

My DP has never asked me about my sexual history and I've never asked him about his. If you don't volunteer it then it's private.
But he knows I don't do one night stands- I'm quite fussy about who gets to enter my body.

livinginwonderland · 13/08/2013 10:32

What does it matter, really? If they're with you, their past shouldn't matter at all. DP doesn't know my number, I don't know his, and neither of us has ever asked.

thebody · 13/08/2013 10:48

it all sounds unbelievably childish to be honest.

if you are all 3 of you counting, remembering, discussing, boasting and arguing about how many people you have sex with you need to grow up really.

MistressDeeCee · 13/08/2013 10:54

If my OH was bothered enough about my sis' sex life to actually want me to have a word with her, my 'weird' radar would be on red alert..being THAT interested in your sis is dubious. I only say this as his reaction is completely over the top.

If he has old fashioned values re. numbers then that discussion should only ever remain between you and him - wanting to impose his values on a woman who isnt HIS partner is unusual, to put it very mildly .

Your sis could feel he's being inappropriate to say the least and that could very well cause all sorts of family trouble. He's just being way too personal and intrusive here. I know if I got an inkling my BIL even had an opinion about my sex life - and had the audacity to voice it - Id go mad!

Im with Sallyingforth - always been quite fussy about who enters my body. Thing is, I dont judge anybody else by my standards, people are responsible for their morals whats right to one, may not be right to another. & as fussy as I may have been, my OH wouldnt know anyway as he wouldnt dream of asking me about numbers. Nor I him.

I hope all this dies down and the 2 of you can sort this out soon and then just forget it - it really is a very disrespectful disagreement. Youre already a couple and trust is key in a good relationship..Im assuming you love and trust each other..keep it going..

stickingattwo · 13/08/2013 10:59

absolutely none of his business although he's entitled to his opinion. And DO NOT I repeat DO NOT be tempted to give him your numbers! No good can come of that... personally I think what I got up to before I met Dp is my business and vice versa but I'm in much higher numbers than Dp which I know would bother DP so have never gone into detail

squoosh · 13/08/2013 11:03

I agree with MistressDeeCee, his morals are his business and applicable to him only. I find it weird that he's having such a reaction to his SIL having had sex with 25 men. So what?

To some people that's a lot, to some it's a drop in the ocean. It's her business and he needs to stop being so weird and creepy. I wouldn't be at all shocked if someone told me they had sex with 50 people but I would be shocked to hear that someone had been married three times by the age of 33 as Fairlylea has, I'd keep it to myself though.

thebody · 13/08/2013 11:08

perhaps he thinks the wicked sister will lead you astray op? 😋

scrummummy · 13/08/2013 11:18

I stupidly asked my dh when we first got together. mine was about 30 he refused to tell me as he'd stopped counting think 100s he jokes about it but as I was 27 and he was 38 when we got together it is/was normal. as long as no one is hurt who cares? your dh shouldn't care as its all before him.

johnworf · 13/08/2013 11:19

There is absolutely nothing to be gained from telling him. What happened pre-'him' is history and none of his business.

I think you'd be opening yourself up to future problems by telling him.

niceguy2 · 13/08/2013 11:22

I think this is one of those cases where you end up justifying your own position in your own mind as the right one.

In OP's husband's case, he's only slept with 4 people so sleeping with 25 people must seem like a lot to him. It's over 600% more than he has!

And OP's lied about her number to give a much lower one which isn't a million miles from his number. So I'm guessing he's sort of thought that sort of number is normal.

Of course there's no right/wrong number. What's made things worse here is OP's lied and scared of it coming out.

My advice here is very simple. Never ever tell. Ever. If someone 'outs' you, deny deny deny. How on earth is he ever going to find out the truth unless you admit it? If faced, just say no you didn't sleep together, just dated for a short while so people thought you had. Or that it was just a drunken snog in a bar...etc etc.

Lying is not something I'd recommend for a marriage but on this occasion I can't see any good coming from revealing the truth at this point

BuntCadger · 13/08/2013 11:23

I wouldn't tell hm, and he sounds a bit of a pillock re this tbh.

I didn't recall how many but around 30ish here (some best forgotten) and that was when I was 28