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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Number of partners

84 replies

fl85 · 13/08/2013 00:21

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I'm 28 and my husband is 34. We have been together since I was 23 and he was 29.

He told me quite early on in our relationship that he had not been with many other women (I was the 4th partner he had been with). Bearing in mind he is 6 years older when he asked me I panicked and told him I had been with 7 others. In reality 7 was the number I would class as relationships. If you take into account one night stands and friends with benefits the number is alot more. When we got serious I always wanted to come clean but I chickened out then as time has gone on it has never come up.

Recently my sister split with her husband and has been enjoying being single again over the last few months. Tonight she was at ours and we were just chatting and my husband happened to overhear her say that she had now slept with 25 people.

When she had gone he had a total go about how terrible it was that she had been with so many people and that I should tell her to behave better. I told him that I didnt think it was such a big deal and that 25 people wasnt that many anyway (she is 31). It caused a massive row and Im really worried now about what he would say if he found out my number (more than 25).

I dont think Im being unreasonable here but would like to hear what others think. He is in the spare room tonight after his outburst!

OP posts:

daimbardiva · 13/08/2013 11:32

Some things are better left unsaid. There is nothing to be gained from him knowing. I have a similar situation, in that I used to go out with a really good friend of mine and DH (long before DH and I met), but he doesn't know, simply because it's never come up, and it would just be weird to bring it up now.

Latara · 13/08/2013 11:35

I think numbers don't matter and should remain a private thing.

I'm 36, not had full sex with many men at all so people could judge me on that (eg. they could say i'm frigid but im not, just a bit shy).

My sister has slept with a lot of men and people could judge her on that too.

People can be quite judgey on numbers (high or low) so that's why I think it's best to keep it private.

OP, I think you and your partner need to make up and not discuss the subject again, it's a daft thing to argue about. Obv your DP is the one with issues here, well he needs to man up and accept everyone is different.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2013 11:40

I can't believe he got so het up about the number of people your sister slept with that he had to lie down in the spare room!

I agree that he probably thinks she will lead you astray.

I also agree that you shouldn't discuss your past sex life with him again. It's none of his business.

thebody · 13/08/2013 11:42

has he gone to tell the church elders yet op? 😋

he's a bit if a fuck wit isn't he?

squoosh · 13/08/2013 11:45

'I can't believe he got so het up about the number of people your sister slept with that he had to lie down in the spare room!'

probably wafting the smelling salts under his nose every so often.

I've never been that interested in how many people my partners have slept with. Have never understood why it preoccupies so many people. I also have no time for hearing about how an ex wronged them, different issue I know but a big no-no from me.

I ain't your therapist pal.

samandi · 13/08/2013 14:56

When she had gone he had a total go about how terrible it was that she had been with so many people and that I should tell her to behave better.

He is generally so nosy and controlling about his wife's family members' personal lives?

samandi · 13/08/2013 14:56

Is he, that is!

motherinferior · 13/08/2013 15:03

Twenty-five sounds about right to me

I'm 50.

Don't know DP's number but considerably fewer.

PhallicGiraffe · 13/08/2013 15:17

Interesting numbers here. So at age 30, lets say you've been having sex for 14 years, so at 30 partners, that's two different partners a year. That means a long tem relationship lasting no more than 6 months, assuming you've been faithful.
Lets say you've had a faithful relationship for 5 years, so the remaining 29 partners would have to be had within the remaining 9 years, so having sex with a new person just under every 4 months.
No one else that think that is a lot?

squoosh · 13/08/2013 15:20

Nope.

Four months is a long time.

squoosh · 13/08/2013 15:22

Some people only want sex if it's within the bounds of a loving relationship.

Some people see sex as a physical release.

There's no point comparing your numbers to someone else's. As long as you aren't harming anyone, including yourself, go for it.

Amiee · 13/08/2013 15:28

It's probably a double standard but we are all guilty of the slag/stud hypocrisy. If it ever comes up just sick to your storey no harm done.

AKissIsNotAContract · 13/08/2013 15:29

Interesting numbers here. So at age 30, lets say you've been having sex for 14 years, so at 30 partners, that's two different partners a year. That means a long tem relationship lasting no more than 6 months, assuming you've been faithful.
Lets say you've had a faithful relationship for 5 years, so the remaining 29 partners would have to be had within the remaining 9 years, so having sex with a new person just under every 4 months.
No one else that think that is a lot?

It doesn't work out that way though, things change over time. I'd probably slept with about 50 blokes before I hit 25, most of those being before I was 20, where I would think nothing of having a few ONS a week. After that point things slowed down considerably and I made the switch to wanting a relationship rather than just sex.

So pre 20, 4 months was a very long time. I bet there aren't many under 20s in sexual relationships who go 4 months between shags, so why would under 20yo singles?

tumbletumble · 13/08/2013 15:35

Squoosh, I agree with you that people see sex in different ways. The question is whether it is reasonable to expect / hope your partner to view it in the same way as you. The problem is that, because OP lied about her own number, her DH thinks they're on the same page about this when really they aren't.

squoosh · 13/08/2013 15:37

She needs to keep shtum, if he can have this reaction to his SIL's sex life, nothing good will come from finding out his wife isn't whiter than white.

tumbletumble · 13/08/2013 15:38

Yes, agree with that!

AKissIsNotAContract · 13/08/2013 15:40

But people change tumbletumble. The person I was at 20 when I was shagging around isn't the person I am now at 31 and about to marry. It's perfectly possible that the OP and her DH are now on the same page when they wouldn't have been years ago before they met.

BlueButton3 · 13/08/2013 15:40

I don't see what it matters to be honest. Maybe I'm too soft. I don't really care how many people he's slept with before me, as long as he's STI free!

scrummummy · 13/08/2013 15:51

blue I agree my dh was for want of a better word a slut. I know its many 100s but he married me and 9 years later and 2 DDS who cares? once you are together it doesn't matter only insecure or EV types care

DownstairsMixUp · 13/08/2013 15:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Tailtwister · 13/08/2013 15:57

Personally, I think 25 is a lot. However, I wouldn't judge someone if they had been with that many people. My best friend had reached that number before she was 21 and I don't know what the number is now.

I have been with 3 people and some of my friends think that's a lot!

SofiaVagueara · 13/08/2013 16:07

Some people have led very sheltered lives. 25 people is not a lot.

OP you're not obliged to tell him and he won't find out.

My husband doesn't know how many people I've slept with but then there were so many I can't remember how many there were.

peggyundercrackers · 13/08/2013 16:24

its really none of his business what your sis does.

i think 25 is a lot of partners - i cant think of any friends who have had 25 different partners, if I had any doubts about them there would only be 1 person who might have slept with this many people.

thebody · 13/08/2013 16:27

squoosh 😋 smelling salts

SouthernComforts · 13/08/2013 16:27

I know people who hit 25 before leaving high school!

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