sex in pregnancy - am I just too insecure or right to feel upset?

[pregnantandinsecure]

I am pregnant with DC2 and in a loving happy relationship. However, I have some insecurities from my previous relationship which really affect me now...

When I was pregnant with DS1, my ex completely lost interest in sex and refused to even touch me for months. He said he simply found pregnancy off-putting. We were married for years and our sex life wasn't great for several years. We are divorced now but remained great friends and talk all the time. He keeps telling me that it was his problem and nothing to do with me. I'm a good looking woman with a great figure (this is not a place to boast, I'm just explaining) and I found it totally humiliating when I walked on him watching porn several times in our marriage, when I was doing something in another room. It made me feel ugly and not sexy enough and I think it contributed to our break up although it wasn't the only factor.

I am now in a new and loving relationship. However, over the last months I've felt a gradual decrease in interest from my DP. He was very reassuring and I was telling myself I was just insecure and letting my previous relationship affect me too much. And this morning the hot water wasn't coming on in the shower so, after a few minutes, I went back to the bedroom to tell DP about it... and caught him watching porn and going at it... It felt like deja vu and I was upset beyond words... He obviously thought I was in the shower so didn't expect me to come in. I was in bed with him only a few minutes earlier... We could have just DTD but he didn't initiate anything. I now feel so ugly and terrible again and all the past emotions are coming back... I know that I look good despite my advanced pregnancy and haven't put much weight on apart from my neat and totally stretch mark free bump... plus I have great boobs I never usually have as I'm normally quite flat. So I thought I looked OK... but now I just feel insecure and bad about myself and my body.

Is it me? Or am I right to find it strange and upsetting that he obviously preferred this to DTD with me? He was petrified and kept telling me later how much he loves me and how beautiful and sexy I am. But I struggle to believe it now and worry he is just trying to make me feel better... Shall I just accept that men don't find pregnancy sexy and hope that it will change once the baby is born? I'm sorry for this long and TMI post but I can't imagine talking about it to anyone in RL...

Worral completely agree with your post! You can def have a low libido and still masturbate to relieve tension. I feel sorry for the bloke. Clearly stressed and now feeling even worse. Keep going on about sex may make it even worse. If it was the other way round everyone would be saying what a dick he was to keep wanting sex

They're in a new relationship, he's been rejecting her, they're cuddling in bed, he waits til she's left the room then puts on the porn and people feel sorry for him?
Wow. This is normal now?
Makes me feel glad to be older.

The poor man needs the porn to de stress, see?

Meanwhile his pregnant partner ties herself in knots, trying to find a reason to excuse him, ably assisted by the aibu gang

Im sorry you are sad, I would feel exactly the same. I bet you look fab compared to most, and Im not knocking you at all, but if you ask me all pregnant women look somehow deformed.. that could be how he feels?

Good news is it wont be for long. No stretch marks means you will look fab after the birth especially if you haven't gained much weight. If you breast feed you will keep your nice big boobs too.

OP, please stop telling us how great you look. We believe you

aka It's not about you, OP, it's about me. That was uncalled for.

Just as some women lose interest in sex when pregnant, some men don't want to have sex with heavily pregnant women. Others do.

Also, is sex for you guys always a major production, OP? Sometimes people just don't want the whole palaver, just a quick release.

Thanks so much all. Felt really low after kali's comment last night so just stopped responding...

lazyjaney no, it's not always a major production at all. We have a 5 year old and both work full time so often we just touch and do other things when it's late or we are tired. So no, there is no pressure to perform something major every time. Actually, when I said we had sex about a week ago (initiated by me), it wasn't "sex" but touching and some advanced cuddles. Quick and easy. He is honestly not being put under any pressure and not harassed at all. If I thought he was - I would just back off and ease off a bit. I was in a sexless relationship before when I believe it was mainly my partner's problem and when my ex had problems performing sometimes - so I think I'm quite tuned in and sensitive to different signs now... This one is very different though. I think his manhood is often flattered and he knows I enjoy being with him. And we used to have amazing sex. Plus he never ever has any problems with performance...

Are people deliberately misunderstanding me

I think op needs to stop worrying about how she looks. This isn't about that

She doesn't need to convince us, or herself, that she is attractive, I bet she looks fab

She has spent quite a lot of time here validating that though, which tells me she is worrying about her appearance and she really shouldn't be putting herself trhough that

If her partner is put off by pg women, that is a fault that lies with him, not her

"If her partner is put off by pg women, that is a fault that lies with him, not her"

So what if he is? Its not uncommon. Or wrong of him. Doesn't mean he doesn't adore her and wont fancy her again after the birth.

If he is bothered by her distended abdomen, (which in my opinion can look pretty freaky even without stretch marks and cellulite) its not his "fault" and he cant help it.

If my husband suddenly grew a pot belly on top of his abs, Id be weirded out too.

OP I think you know you are worried because of your previous relationship.. there is no reason to think this is going to be the same at all. Love the expression "advanced cuddles"

But no one expects men to find all pregnant women attractive, just the one who they love who is carrying their baby. Personally i would be furious if dh stopped fancying me when pregnant. So much so i would never want sex with him again when i wasn't.

anyold I understood exactly what you meant when you said it last night x

goodtouch the irony is that he actually has a substantial pot belly on top of his (invisible) abs :-), so not like he has any claims to great looks or fitness. All his friends joke about it and keep teasing us, asking me about his secrets and why I'm with him. He is the least fit and least good looking of all the men I've ever been with. But I love him to bits and he is the man I see myself spending the rest of my life with. And I love sex with him despite his pot belly and far from fit body. As someone said earlier, it's about the person inside. I didn't find him attractive when we first met but then got to know him and fell in love. When you really love someone, they just become more and more attractive over time and looks don't affect sex. At least not for me. But I appreciate that everyone is different... Perhaps this is where the problem is. That we see things and our bodies in very different ways...

mrskoala this is exactly how I feel right now - that I don't want to have sex again, now or later... just too hurt

But it is only her stomach that has changed. The essence of her is the same. We aren't mere vessels, though the porn industry promotes that view.

I'm afraid in my experience only misogynistic men are in anyway repulsed, put off or scared by the pregnant form.

Worried about hurting the baby is a pathetic excuse. Yes maybe if you're wanting to roughly take a woman from every orafice as seems to be the norm in pornography. But there are many more loving ways to have sexual contact.

Sorry op but I think your partner's behaviour would be alarming to me.

Oh and I am so sick of the insinuation that being anti porn makes you prudish. Woman hating brainwashing

Oh op, sorry you feel low. What is he saying about it? Is he saying he finds your pregnant shape off-putting?

I've been pregnant with two different fellas: one - sex-life continued throughout pregnancy. One - sex-life tailed off around seven months as partner was worried and felt uncomfortable with penetrative sex as the baby was there (?!) This was expressed clearly and therefore did not affect my confidence at all.

Some men can find it difficult but then he needs to clarify this, not turn on the porn the moment you've finished cuddling. I really think that's disrespectful and I'm amazed that some people find that normal.

Ha,ha, no, my husband doesn't have abs either! I meant if he did.

What I mean is the sudden change might freak him out a bit. And a lump stuck on your front with a moving person inside is a bit weird if you think about it. Not the same as a beer belly. I know my husband felt like there was something alien growing in me in my first pg. Not the others, but this is your dhs first baby. Bet its nothing to do with you and he will be back to normal after the birth.

Op, you sound lovely, btw

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP (and your stretch mark free belly -applauds!)

You will find plenty of support here from women who don't think porn is healthy, and plenty of others who do.

Its all about what you find acceptable, I'm my marriage it is not acceptable to make the other person feel shit no matter how horny you are.

If porn makes you feel like shit, then he should respect that. Men can wank without porn and plenty do! Its not prerequisite for a tug I assure you. You don't need to accept the "men are visual" bullshit either -its just another myth.

You need to establish whether porn is a deal breaker or not to you, please don't relinquish your self esteem to the its what all men do theory because it simply is not true.

I hope he realises what a tool he has been and starts to appreciate his blooming gorgeous OH.

Im sorry if u were so upset by my comment but u have said hes been tired and stressed, if it was you saying that my bloke keeps wanting sex and i dont he would be flamed. I get that you feel insecure as anyone would but more u moan at him less likely hes going to want to have sex. Men do go off sex when they are stressed, then it gets worse. He may be anxious about impending fatherhood, he may be worried about hurting you, any of those things. Readon you need to talk away from bedroom is so theres no pressure on him, you may get the answer from him then

If it was you saying my bloke wants sex and I don't be would be flamed.

What if a guy came on here and said my wife is losing interest in me sexually. We were cuddling the other day and just as soon as I left the bed she was having a wank to porn you think he would be flamed?

Not by me he wouldn't.

This- what i was trying to say!i werent being nasty but its true if was other way round the bloke would be flamed i dont think its fair.the bloke was having a wank not doing anything wrong. They've used porn before together. He maybe feeling so much pressure to perform which is making the problem worse.

Why would he be flamed Kali

And just because someone has done something before doesn't mean they cant change their minds and feel uncomfortable.

IMO protecting a persons self esteem is more important than having the right to jack off to porn.

Why would he be feeling pressure to perform? Op specifically stated he has never had performance issues and wasn't being pressured?

I think you are far too caught up in 'how dare you reject me as I'm beautiful' and need to work on yourself first

You can't make your husband feel attracted to you when pregnant! Either he does or he doesn't. It's not something he has any control over. Stupid thing to get het up about if you have a good relationship otherwise.

Do you just want him to lie to you to save your feelings getting hurt?

Woah! Bit harsh

Her DP has assured her he finds her attractive, a partner watching porn does not automatically mean he isn't attracted to her.

So it's fine for your partner to repeatedly reject you in favour of porn?

Ok, so this is normal for some of you. I get it now.

OP, have you asked him why he preferred to "sort himself out" than have sex? I think there could be a lot of reasons, some of which have been mentioned up thread, that are nothing to do with your pregnancy- but the best way to find out is to try to communicate calmly. Take some deep breaths, maybe pour each of you a cold drink, sit down with him and tell him that you understand that it's an embarrassing topic for him, and that he feels guilty for upsetting you (try not to get mad at this point, even if you feel it!) but that you want to understand what's in his head, as that will really help you understand that it's not you. Because I think that the most reassuring thing is hearing from him what his reasons are.