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Original poster

sex in pregnancy - am I just too insecure or right to feel upset?

100 replies

pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 22:09

I am pregnant with DC2 and in a loving happy relationship. However, I have some insecurities from my previous relationship which really affect me now...

When I was pregnant with DS1, my ex completely lost interest in sex and refused to even touch me for months. He said he simply found pregnancy off-putting. We were married for years and our sex life wasn't great for several years. We are divorced now but remained great friends and talk all the time. He keeps telling me that it was his problem and nothing to do with me. I'm a good looking woman with a great figure (this is not a place to boast, I'm just explaining) and I found it totally humiliating when I walked on him watching porn several times in our marriage, when I was doing something in another room. It made me feel ugly and not sexy enough and I think it contributed to our break up although it wasn't the only factor.

I am now in a new and loving relationship. However, over the last months I've felt a gradual decrease in interest from my DP. He was very reassuring and I was telling myself I was just insecure and letting my previous relationship affect me too much. And this morning the hot water wasn't coming on in the shower so, after a few minutes, I went back to the bedroom to tell DP about it... and caught him watching porn and going at it... It felt like deja vu and I was upset beyond words... He obviously thought I was in the shower so didn't expect me to come in. I was in bed with him only a few minutes earlier... We could have just DTD but he didn't initiate anything. I now feel so ugly and terrible again and all the past emotions are coming back... I know that I look good despite my advanced pregnancy and haven't put much weight on apart from my neat and totally stretch mark free bump... plus I have great boobs I never usually have as I'm normally quite flat. So I thought I looked OK... but now I just feel insecure and bad about myself and my body.

Is it me? Or am I right to find it strange and upsetting that he obviously preferred this to DTD with me? He was petrified and kept telling me later how much he loves me and how beautiful and sexy I am. But I struggle to believe it now and worry he is just trying to make me feel better... Shall I just accept that men don't find pregnancy sexy and hope that it will change once the baby is born? I'm sorry for this long and TMI post but I can't imagine talking about it to anyone in RL...

OP posts:
VisualiseAHorse · 12/08/2013 23:54

Just because he doesn't find you attractive right now doesn't mean that he doesn't love, respect and admire you.

VisualiseAHorse · 12/08/2013 23:54

Well lucky you!

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 23:56

I don't particularly think I was lucky

And I don't know why you're assuming the OP is any of those things just because you possibly were?

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 23:56

panicking about being a dad and needs to relieve the stress ? (perfectly happy to make his partner feel like shit though...way to go, eh)

now where did I put that tiny violin ?

VisualiseAHorse · 13/08/2013 00:00

I did also put that I didn't necessarily mean fat, I meant your body changes...I don't see why a man has to stay sexually attracted to a body that has changed from what he is 'used to' and maybe found very attractive before pregnancy. Does not mean that he has fallen out of love, just that he's having a little lapse while his mind adjusts to what is going on in his life.

I don't think the op should feel insecure. He wasn't trying to hurt her feelings, it sounds to me like he is stressed, finding adapting to his new life hard and wanted to let off some steam.

VisualiseAHorse · 13/08/2013 00:02

So it's ok to make him have sex just to make her feel better...?

Why is his stress worth any less than hers?

Yes, maybe I am bitter that I turned into a weird farting machine during pregnancy, and I should not have assumed that had also happened to the op.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 00:05

He didn't set out to make her feel like shit

He was having a private wank and she caught him

He makes her feel loved. The OP admits she's got a lot of 'mental baggage' from her past relationship.

That's not his fault.

Not having a sex drive for the last couple of months is also not his fault.

All he can do is continue to make her feel loved and continue to tell her that his dip in sex drive is unfortunately timed....but that it's not the OP's fault.

Unless anyone is suggesting he should lie back and think of England?

VisualiseAHorse · 13/08/2013 00:06

Thank you Worra, you put it much better than I did.

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:07

OP feels like shit. Is anyone suggesting she is doing it to herself ?

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 00:10

Yes the OP feels like shit and it sounds as though her DH feels like shit too because right now his sex drive has taken a dip (like everyone's does at some point) and it's unfortunately timed.

He now feels like double shit because she caught him in a private moment and she feels like double shit for the same reason.

I don't think there's any right or wrong here and I genuinely hope they manage to work it out.

I'm sure they will.

VisualiseAHorse · 13/08/2013 00:11

Good idea. Grab the vibrator/shower head/lube/washing machine on a fast spin cycle and get to it!

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 00:12

I meant to add...

But they'll work it out much quicker if there's no pressure/guilt tripping about having sex.

No-one should be guilted/pressured into having sex just to keep their partner happy imo.

Gruntfuttock · 13/08/2013 00:12

If you have a dip in sex drive you don't have any inclination to masturbate. That's blatantly obvious surely.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 00:15

No it isn't blatantly obvious.

If you're trying to get your sex drive back because you love your partner and you're worried they're taking your 'dip' personally, I think masturbation is probably the first step along the road of trying to revive your libido.

Well I think it probably is for some people.

It makes sense to me. It's just totally unfortunate that she walked in on him.

MrsKoala · 13/08/2013 00:23

It wasn't a private wank tho was it? Confused it was in the bedroom which she shares the moment she walked out of the room. If it was private he would have gone to the bathroom and locked the door.

And i don't buy the he doesn't fancy pregnant women argument. i think it's fucking lame tbh.

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:25

It doesn't make sense to me

if I was concerned about a flagging libido and how it was making my partner feel insecure, I wouldn't be using up sexy time on a wank, for sure

in a healthy relationship, the two can co exist

but to replace sexual contact with a warm and willing body that you love and cherish with the cold five fingered shuffle to porn ?

no, not buying that one (but I don't agree he should shag her to keep her happy either, that is not the answer)

Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 13/08/2013 00:25

yes, I don't want him to have sex with me just for me... and yes worra it's this double shit feeling both ways I suppose... I just feel so bad knowing he was waiting for me to leave the room... it was honestly a matter of minutes...

and as grunt says - his action is not exactly expressive of any general dip in sex drive is it? He obviously felt like doing something.

visualise I'm not fat or farty or wheezy at all... that's the whole point. I think I actually look better in many ways - my skin, my hair and I have great boobs I never have when not pregnant. And you can't even tell I'm pregnant from behind. I only have a bump and even this is high and neat... I think I would perhaps find it easier to understand if I looked much worse but I don't...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 00:25

It was private because as the OP said herself...he thought she was going to be having a shower.

He didn't know the hot water wasn't going to work.

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:27

a "private" wank to me is not something you do when your partner has literally left the room a moment before, having made it perfectly clear that sex could be on the cards

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:28

that's a clear choice made with aforethought

wank over sex with the wife

he waited until she left the room and then immediately got busy

I would find that a concern

MrsKoala · 13/08/2013 00:28

If it's in a communal space it isn't private. She could have popped back in to get her hair brush, had a quicker shower, changed her mind, anything. It's a risk if you don't want to make someone feel like shit isn't it?

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:30

OP, please stop telling us how great you look. We believe you.

this isn't actually about how great (or conversely, how shit) you look

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 00:34

if I was concerned about a flagging libido and how it was making my partner feel insecure, I wouldn't be using up sexy time on a wank, for sure

You might if you were worried about 'performing'.

You just might be trying to get that 'want for sex' feeling back...but who knows? We're all different and so is the OP's DP.

He had sex with you last week OP.

Maybe he's well aware of how you feel and that's putting him under pressure? His wanking really could be him just trying to 'sort out what's wrong' with himself?

None of us know for sure but I do know one thing (sadly)

If it was you posting that your DP wants sex more than you...and that you had sex with him a week ago, even though you've said you're tired and stressed and not really 'up for it'.

You'd be getting similar replies to this...."OMG there's nothing worse than a man whining and whinging about lack of sex, does he really think that makes him attractive?"

Or "His dick won't drop off just because you're not in the mood for sex with him".

Or "Tell him to have wank and leave you alone".

At least you have the sympathy here on MN because you happened to be born with a vagina.

He however wasn't, so if I were you I'd cut him a little slack and remember that we all go through phases of not wanting full sex with our DPs. Yes sometimes we might masturbate (possibly hoping that'll 'cure' the problem) and it's unfortunate he got 'caught'.

But above all, please don't think it's automatically anything to do with you, your body or your past experience.

Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 13/08/2013 00:34

I know it's not about this anyold but it would make it easier to understand if it was... if I suddenly turned into a toad. I feel so low right now that I'm as far as anyone can be from any boasting... I think I'm just looking for logical answers to something that is not logical at all...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 00:37

And why should the OP stop saying how great she looks?

Surely that's a positive thing for a heavily pregnant woman, no? Confused