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AIBU?

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Original poster

sex in pregnancy - am I just too insecure or right to feel upset?

100 replies

pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 22:09

I am pregnant with DC2 and in a loving happy relationship. However, I have some insecurities from my previous relationship which really affect me now...

When I was pregnant with DS1, my ex completely lost interest in sex and refused to even touch me for months. He said he simply found pregnancy off-putting. We were married for years and our sex life wasn't great for several years. We are divorced now but remained great friends and talk all the time. He keeps telling me that it was his problem and nothing to do with me. I'm a good looking woman with a great figure (this is not a place to boast, I'm just explaining) and I found it totally humiliating when I walked on him watching porn several times in our marriage, when I was doing something in another room. It made me feel ugly and not sexy enough and I think it contributed to our break up although it wasn't the only factor.

I am now in a new and loving relationship. However, over the last months I've felt a gradual decrease in interest from my DP. He was very reassuring and I was telling myself I was just insecure and letting my previous relationship affect me too much. And this morning the hot water wasn't coming on in the shower so, after a few minutes, I went back to the bedroom to tell DP about it... and caught him watching porn and going at it... It felt like deja vu and I was upset beyond words... He obviously thought I was in the shower so didn't expect me to come in. I was in bed with him only a few minutes earlier... We could have just DTD but he didn't initiate anything. I now feel so ugly and terrible again and all the past emotions are coming back... I know that I look good despite my advanced pregnancy and haven't put much weight on apart from my neat and totally stretch mark free bump... plus I have great boobs I never usually have as I'm normally quite flat. So I thought I looked OK... but now I just feel insecure and bad about myself and my body.

Is it me? Or am I right to find it strange and upsetting that he obviously preferred this to DTD with me? He was petrified and kept telling me later how much he loves me and how beautiful and sexy I am. But I struggle to believe it now and worry he is just trying to make me feel better... Shall I just accept that men don't find pregnancy sexy and hope that it will change once the baby is born? I'm sorry for this long and TMI post but I can't imagine talking about it to anyone in RL...

OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 22:50

yes WoTmania I worry he prefers this to me and to what we have... this is how it felt this morning. We cuddled in bed before I went to shower and it was early so he had ample opportunities and time if he was at all interested...

thanks for your support everyone. I needed to talk about it and was going crazy going over it in my head... It made me feel so bad and I don't understand it... I cried and he kept telling me that I shouldn't take it personally and it's not at all a reflection on me. But I just don't understand. I would prefer to be with a real person if I had this option... It feels personal...

OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 22:52

we had sex about a week ago worra, initiated by me...

anyoldfucker your nickname made me smile Smile

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 12/08/2013 22:56

This would make me upset/angry too. 1) if my DH withdrew sexually during pregnancy i would be so disappointed it would kill my love and i would lose respect for him i think. I know that sounds harsh, but it isn't about not finding pregnant women attractive, it's about having sex with your partner who you love and who happens to be having your baby. You don't expect them to suddenly get a fetish about pregnant women, but to see that you are the same person they loved before. 2) i think masturbating when someone has literally just left the room/is in the next room is really rude. It's like they have waited for you to leave and then are frantically knocking one out the moment you exit. It's a bit grim and desperate. 3) i know there is a difference between masturbation and sex but ime if a man has a wank then they aren't up for sex for a while after. So, knowing you may be up for it they are essentially saying no sex for you. Whereas women could do it and still be up for sex 10 mins later. Therefore if a man is prioritising wanking, you will end up having a lot less sex. I have had a few relationships like this where i make a move on my partner and they say 'sorry i just had a wank, no can do' so depending on how often that happens you may be in for a sexless life. 4) I don't like porn.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 22:56

I'm not going to comment on the porn thing because as you've said, you have no objection to it in general.

But WRT him having a quick want instead of having sex with you, I wouldn't take it too personally (although I can see why you might).

Masturbation and sex are (or at least they can be) two completely different things.

Just because he chose quick, self gratification this time....does not automatically mean he doesn't find you sexually attractive.

Maybe the stress/tiredness really isn't an excuse and he didn't want full sex this time?

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 22:57

your nickname makes me Sad love

pregnancy should be the best of times, when couples really come together

if he doesn't make you feel like that now, it doesn't bode well for when baby comes and you are struggling with leaky boobs, lack of sleep, stretchmarks, wobbly tum, hormone crashes etc

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 22:57

*wank...not want Blush

Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 23:09

exactly anyold, this is how I feel and what I worry about (and it's not my real MN nickname by the way but very much how I feel now Sad)
It's his first baby so he has no idea how hard the first two years are going to be. Leaking boobs, wobbly tummy and other things you mention. It's my second so I know. Also, I managed to get back to my original figure after DS although it took about a year. Perhaps I won't manage it now - it's my second pregnancy and I'm older... I just don't know how my body is going to change. I know looks matter but, as MrsKoala says sex should be about being close with someone, not just about the body. Right now I feel like just the body that is expanding so not so attractive anymore...

and agree with everything you say MrsKoala... I had a sexless (although loving) marriage for years and don't want it again. It's not for me. That's why I'm so sad feeling like this now and paranoid as it feels so much like deja vu..

and yes, worra this is what I'm trying to tell myself although not really succeeding so far...

OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 23:14

and worra I have no objection to occasional porn but would do if it was a regular thing... but I obviously don't know how often he watches it. He obviously reassured me that it was a one off, happens rarely etc... but I'm not sure I believe it. Today was a one off yes, because I went back when hot water wasn't coming on! I usually just go and have a shower!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 23:19

I know what you're saying but you do get that full sex and masturbation are two completely different things?

I love my DH and fancy him to bits but occasionally I'd rather quickly relieve myself than have sex.

Now if I felt like that all the time, it would cause a problem...but I don't.

I'm not sure if your DH feels like that all the time or if you're just assuming he might, because you're pregnant IYSWIM?

Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 23:24

I know exactly what you mean worra and I totally understand. But I've felt rejected a number of times over the last 3 months or so, not before - so all I can think of in this period is pregnancy... as things have definitely changed recently. There was no problem before...

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 12/08/2013 23:27

Wow, some of the responses on here are just cruel.

What your DH did was hurtful given the circumstances, I can understand why you're upset. I hope he really did understand when the two of you spoke, and will give you more attention. It's not really about the porn, or the wanking; it's that he doesn't seem to fancy you. If he constantly gave you positive attention, told you how attractive and sexy you are, the whole episode would have been far less upsetting and probably just funny! Or you might have joined in and had a morning to remember....

My DH fancied me when I was thin, he fancied me while I was pregnant, he fancies me now I'm the size of a small house (though I wonder why). But it's because he loves me, not the body I happen to reside in.

You and you DH need to have a chat about how his apparent rejection of you is hurting you deeply, and explain that you have insecurities which his behaviour is feeding. Ask if there is anything about "pregnant sex" that worries him, and reassure him that it's safe and fun for everyone.

I really hope he listens and makes some puts some serious effort into making the mother of his child feel cherished, loved, and indeed, desired.

Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 23:37

Thanks so much annie x
As you say, it's the context of everything that makes it feel bad, but not one isolated fact or episode. It's the sum of things. And he knows all about my previous relationship and why I'm particularly insecure when pregnant. I told him and we've talked about it a few times over the last weeks. That's why it feels even more hurtful now - because he knew how vulnerable I feel
thanks again for understanding

OP posts:
kali110 · 12/08/2013 23:37

Hes told you hes been feeling stressed sometimes blokes do it to relieve stress and tension and easier to just do it. If a mans stressed then it can put them off sex too.
If youve used porn together then you can hardly be pissed off if he's using it considering your ex can understand why this would upset you but not fair to put this on him.did you have any counselling regarding your insecurities? Its horrible to not be secure with your body. Iv never liked mine no matter what anybody says.i try to focus on one part and say that its not so bad. You need to have good convo about this put away from the bedroom.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 23:38

Does he make you feel loved, cherished and attractive outside of sex OP?

Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 23:41

yes he does worra - definitely loved. Not sure about attractive right now... it's just the sex bit the last few months...

OP posts:
VisualiseAHorse · 12/08/2013 23:45

Honestly? I'm not surprised many men don't find pregnant women sexy... In fact, I would find it a little weird if I suddenly became sexier to my oh just because I was pregnant. He doesn't like having sex with a pregnant woman, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 23:47

there is something very wrong with a man that fails to find his partner sexually attractive simply because she is pregnant

VisualiseAHorse · 12/08/2013 23:48

Although I do agree that having a wank when you were right next door is a but iffy and I would be pretty annoyed about it too.

Also, he shouldn't have sex with you just t make you feel better,

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 23:48

I believe it is a red flag

like I said, this thread would have been better placed in Relationships

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 23:50

OK so he makes you feel loved...that's brilliant.

I'm wondering if you're letting your past affect your thoughts regarding his lack of sex drive?

You know it really might be that he isn't particularly up for sex just because he isn't right now?

It might be nothing whatsoever to do with you being pregnant.

Look around MN, there are tons of people saying they're not particularly up for regular sex but they still love and adore their partners.

They're normally met with understanding and people saying that their partners shouldn't pester or guilt trip them.

Please don't assume all this is about you and your pregnancy.

It could well be that he's just like hundreds of other people and his sex drive has dipped for no particular reason.

VisualiseAHorse · 12/08/2013 23:50

I don't think so. If my husband got fat, wheezy, complained every time he rolled over and farted and burped in bed, I'd probably find him very unattactive sexually too.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 23:51

AnyFucker to be honest I think if the thread was in relationships, the whole porn usage would be the main focus, instead of the OP and her problem.

VisualiseAHorse · 12/08/2013 23:52

I'm not saying that pregnant women are fat, by the way, but if his body changed shape compared to what I am used to and actually attracted to, I would find it hard to remain attracted to him.

Just me, obviously, who feels that way.

VisualiseAHorse · 12/08/2013 23:53

He may also be panicking about becoming a dad and all the stress that brings, and finds having a wank an easy and effective way to relieve that stress.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 23:53

Visualise are you assuming the OP has suddenly got fat, wheezy, farty, burpy and complaining just because she's pregnant?

Weird

I've had 3 kids and never experienced any of that.

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