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Original poster

sex in pregnancy - am I just too insecure or right to feel upset?

100 replies

pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 22:09

I am pregnant with DC2 and in a loving happy relationship. However, I have some insecurities from my previous relationship which really affect me now...

When I was pregnant with DS1, my ex completely lost interest in sex and refused to even touch me for months. He said he simply found pregnancy off-putting. We were married for years and our sex life wasn't great for several years. We are divorced now but remained great friends and talk all the time. He keeps telling me that it was his problem and nothing to do with me. I'm a good looking woman with a great figure (this is not a place to boast, I'm just explaining) and I found it totally humiliating when I walked on him watching porn several times in our marriage, when I was doing something in another room. It made me feel ugly and not sexy enough and I think it contributed to our break up although it wasn't the only factor.

I am now in a new and loving relationship. However, over the last months I've felt a gradual decrease in interest from my DP. He was very reassuring and I was telling myself I was just insecure and letting my previous relationship affect me too much. And this morning the hot water wasn't coming on in the shower so, after a few minutes, I went back to the bedroom to tell DP about it... and caught him watching porn and going at it... It felt like deja vu and I was upset beyond words... He obviously thought I was in the shower so didn't expect me to come in. I was in bed with him only a few minutes earlier... We could have just DTD but he didn't initiate anything. I now feel so ugly and terrible again and all the past emotions are coming back... I know that I look good despite my advanced pregnancy and haven't put much weight on apart from my neat and totally stretch mark free bump... plus I have great boobs I never usually have as I'm normally quite flat. So I thought I looked OK... but now I just feel insecure and bad about myself and my body.

Is it me? Or am I right to find it strange and upsetting that he obviously preferred this to DTD with me? He was petrified and kept telling me later how much he loves me and how beautiful and sexy I am. But I struggle to believe it now and worry he is just trying to make me feel better... Shall I just accept that men don't find pregnancy sexy and hope that it will change once the baby is born? I'm sorry for this long and TMI post but I can't imagine talking about it to anyone in RL...

OP posts:
Famzilla · 12/08/2013 22:13

Most people masturbate. Tbh you don't sound that insecure, you clearly can see you are a "good looking woman with a great figure".

IMO pregnancy and being pregnant isn't sexy, but it also isn't forever.

Does porn offend you?

myroomisatip · 12/08/2013 22:18

I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I do know though that I totally sympathise and would feel crap as well.

I don't understand all this bloody obsession with porn. Surely it is better to have the real thing? I do wonder what he would feel if the situation had been reversed? Maybe us women should start to deal out a little bit of what we are receiving!

myroomisatip · 12/08/2013 22:19

You don't say how pregnant you are. However, I don't buy into the 'pregnant isn't sexy'.... you either love and desire your partner (who, btw is having your baby!!!!) or not!

maja00 · 12/08/2013 22:23

Do you have an ethical objection to porn, or is it more than you see it as "cheating" somehow?

Masturbation and sex with an actual person are two different things - I wouldn't look at one as replacing the other.

Lots of people, men and women, find pregnancy not a good time for sex. It doesn't reflect on how they feel about their partner.

thebody · 12/08/2013 22:24

yeah you sound very secure and confident to me.

your dh was mastubating, who doesn't.

some men worry about hurting the baby during sex.

good on you for a stretch mark free, neat bump.

TheSecondComing · 12/08/2013 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myroomisatip · 12/08/2013 22:28

I would have thought that you might choose to masturbate because your loved one is not around or is not available for sex....

I could never envisage choosing to masturbate to some poor substitute when the guy I love and adore is there for me! I mean really? I would have to be pretty desperate to use porn anyway because my favourite and only fantasy would be my guy!

WoTmania · 12/08/2013 22:29

Sounds like you feel that sex and intimacy with you will be pushed out by porn use. I don't think that's an unreasonable worry.

How does he react to you initiating sex? If I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt I would say that maybe he's worried you won't want sex and will feel pressured. Could you talk to him and explain how you feel?

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/08/2013 22:29

So your partner prefers to wank to porn while you're in the shower than to have sex with you. I'd be pissed off. That's not being insecure.

maja00 · 12/08/2013 22:31

I'm surprised how many women see masturbation as something that is only acceptable if sex is unavailable.

Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 22:32

I don't have any objection to porn and am not prudish at all. So it doesn't offend me. We actually watched it with DP together a few times in the past just for fun and as a foreplay.

myroom I think you understood perfectly how I feel - I'm not at all upset about him watching porn when I'm not there and he feels like this but the fact that he seemed to prefer this to the real thing with me this morning. I was there... this is what I don't get and what confuses me. And I asked him exactly the same question - how would he feel if it was the other way round? He said he probably wouldn't feel great... (I'm 7 months pregnant by the way)

famzilla I feel really insecure no matter what I see in the mirror and what people tell me... I think it's because of my past relationship when my ex totally went off it for long periods even when I wasn't pregnant... so I started doubting myself then...

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 12/08/2013 22:34

I'm always surprised that people confuse porn with masturbation but ho hum

The op says he's showing a gradual decrease in interest in her sexually - but he's fine knocking one out to porn. That's something to talk about.

thebody · 12/08/2013 22:35

^^ agree Maja00

littlemog · 12/08/2013 22:36

I would feel exactly the same as you and, as ever, am saddened by those on MN who excuse and accept this in a relationship. I wouldn't.

I am sorry that you have had bad experiences in the past but try to speak to your partner about how you feel and explain why you are so upset by this and why it makes you feel so crap. He is perhaps unwilling to initiate sex in case he hurts the baby or hurts you and this is his way of compensating. Everybody does masturbate but not everyone uses porn to do so. Speak with him.

Original poster
pregnantandinsecure · 12/08/2013 22:37

WoTmania and secondcoming yes, I initiated it many times over the last 3-4 months. And got excuses and felt rejected a number of times... He knows very well that I'm up for it and I asked if he was worried about hurting the baby or me. He said he wasn't at all. His excuse was stress and tiredness etc... so he didn't feel like this. But this morning he obviously did, just not with me...

OP posts:
littlemog · 12/08/2013 22:38

Sorry - things moved on! If you are fine with him using porn (I would not be) then I am not really sure what the problem is?

thebody · 12/08/2013 22:38

think also some men see women as sex sirens v wives/mothers.

he may feel you don't want sex, do you initiate it op? that in itself can be daunting to some women.

littlemog · 12/08/2013 22:39

But isn't this what men who use porn tend to do? Eventually prefer it to RL sex?

myroomisatip · 12/08/2013 22:39

Well I hope that he understands now.

I have had two pregnancies and although my Ex was abusive on many levels he always found me desirable and, apart from a bit of pressure for sex, respectful. And he never used porn. I am not claiming for a minute that he 'never needed to' he just didn't.

At 7 months you are blooming and although I understand that some men worry about penetration, there are other intimate things you can do! I would find that very very hard to forgive.

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/08/2013 22:39

I would feel hurt and rejected. Sorry op. maybe things will improve after the baby is born.

thebody · 12/08/2013 22:40

sorry just seen your recent posts. yes can understand why you are upset as porn is best shared.

myroomisatip · 12/08/2013 22:41

Need to add, when I say respectful, I mean in a sexual context, the only bloody context actually!

WoTmania · 12/08/2013 22:44

So more the first part of my post then? Nope, YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 22:46

When was the last time you two actually had sex or any intimacy OP?

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 22:50

as per usual, you would have been better to post this on the Relationships board