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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please tell me I'm not wrong

116 replies

Pinkpinot · 12/08/2013 05:58

H in right mood this morning, Monday morning, hates work, stressed, tired, back hurting
But I'm not getting out of bed at 5am to iron the trousers that you knew needed ironing last night
Especially when you have done absolutely nothing all weekend, lay on the couch, and were out on the piss massively on thurs and Friday
He's gone off in a right strop

OP posts:

insomniarules · 12/08/2013 09:32

Totally understand . YANBU.
You are not his mother. He is not a child. He should take responsibility.
We had the same discussion last night. In the end I dud some invisible ironing as he dosnt notice much

EagleRiderDirk · 12/08/2013 09:32

my oh does the laundry. its one of our division of labour splits all based on who dies what better. he does laundry very well and I occasionally muck in, as he occasionally mucks into my tasks.

however it is not his job to read my mind to know I want a particular outfit, nor is it his job tho ensure I look respectful. NIR is it visa versa. if we notice something needs doing then we either do it, is ask the other one to make sure it gets done.

larrygrylls · 12/08/2013 09:32

"I have less time for home stuff in the holidays because the children are home
So because I do the laundry I should have come home from holiday and made sure that he was ready for work?"

Sorry, but yes. The holidays are your time to work harder, term time is effectively your relaxed time. And you have just had a holiday. On the face of it, at least, that seems fair and right.

Fairenuff · 12/08/2013 09:34

In a partnership, people have agreed jobs

Larry Where has the OP said that they have agreed she will do all laundry, even when she is not there and he has spent the weekend doing bugger all?

Are you really arguing the case that the dh was justified in his stropping about this morning? I don't think so, I think you are using this thread to make some other point.

If that's the case, why not start a thread of your own to discuss this wifework issue?

Original poster

Pinkpinot · 12/08/2013 09:34

Eyes, he knew last night that I wasn't going to iron the trousers, and I still think its unreasonable of him to expect it last night.

OP posts:

EagleRiderDirk · 12/08/2013 09:35

oh, I'm a sahm too. yes oh provides the money but he doesn't do so in exchange for me doing the chores. he does it in exchange for not having to pay for childcare. if I can slot some in I do. but we would both prefer the kids be looked after.

and no, my kids are not nor have ever been the placid sit down and be happy to let you go clean type.

Eyesunderarock · 12/08/2013 09:35

'I'm not getting out of bed at 5am to iron the trousers that you knew needed ironing last night

I think OP has made it clear Eyesunder'

Did she say that to him the night before? Or just silently PA?

meditrina · 12/08/2013 09:36

I think the general division of household tasks is totally irrelevant here. Unless OP is away for 4 days every week in term time too. For it would be very unreasonable of the other partner to expect regular laundry day to be what remains of the day of her return.

If the trip is a one-off, then I think an ordinarily sentient person would know that usual routines would not apply and be capable of performing the important tasks for themselves when they have no other plans.

Fairenuff · 12/08/2013 09:38

The night before Eyes

Original poster

Pinkpinot · 12/08/2013 09:43

Larry, I do everything at home during term time and I do everything at home during the holidays + dc. Everything.
He has complete downtime all weekend, has at least 2 social nights out a week, maybe another 2 work nights out, has regular boys weekends away, business trips with downtime for pools and formula1 but admittedly works hard

OP posts:

Pigsmummy · 12/08/2013 09:57

I do the laundry but don't iron. If that was me I would have put head under the pillow and gone back to sleep.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 12/08/2013 10:00

I don't think he works that hard if he's got all that time for socialising and 'downtime'!

Working hard, IMO, is not having every weekend off, leaving the house at 5am rather than stomping around getting dressed, being so dog-tired that weeknights out on the town just aren't possible and as for work trips away - well, everyone knows they offer the change for some downtime as well as work, don't they?

He's conned you into thinking he has it tough, OP, whereas, he certainly doesn't work as hard as many who do a damn sight more around the house than he does!

fuzzywuzzy · 12/08/2013 10:09

Going out on a limb here, I work long hours, I juggle childcare and housework and all that. I can positively state I've never run out of clothing due to being too dumb/lazy/exhausted to do my own laundry.

Throwing clothes into the washing machine when there's a load ready in the wash basket isn't the most taxing thing on earth, certainly if OP's H is taking his laundry down to the local stream and bashing them against rocks to get his clothes clean, I can see why he'd wait for his wife to do it tho. I also tend to empty out the machine as soon as the wash is done and hang clothes out to dry so most clothes do not need ironing as I hate ironing.

I need a wife obviously.

Eyesunderarock · 12/08/2013 10:15

Time to outsource then, laundry and ironing service.

EldritchCleavage · 12/08/2013 10:25

Well, I work full time and I do my own bloody washing. I bet pretty much all full-time working women do. If I've a work crisis, DH (SAHD) will ask me to pull out a load or two and sort it out for me, but fundamentally, I do it. My ironing too.

It doesn't really matter what the practical arrangements are. What matters is that both spouses agree on them, and that there is respect and communication.

A 5am huff puff after lazing all weekend (if you work full-time and have small children, there's just no way you can reasonably use the whole weekend as leisure time. The kids are still there. The chores are still there, and the at home parent is knackered too) fails on the respect front and on the communication front.

Didactylos · 12/08/2013 10:36

i think the point is, even if you have an agreement or arrangement where one partner usually does task X, the other individual doesn't become incapable of doing the task when the usual task person is ill absent or unavailable

eg - I tend to organise and do our washing, and also clean the bathroom (DP does cleaning kitchen and vaccuming) but if I go away for a week I dont come back to DS and DP sitting in dirty clothes with a skidmarked toilet waiting on me to sort it out. DP doesnt do it all my way but is perfectly capable of anticipating the need for clean clothes and bathroom and sorting it out when Im not there. Equally, if hes away for a week he doesnt come back to find all the pots waiting to be scrubbed, or the bins waiting to be taken out.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/08/2013 10:58

Why shouldn't her DH do the washing at the weekend? Since when did working full time mean that you get to do nothing while the other person still runs around doing everything? Especially if she's had the kids all week as its the holidays. If the washing needs doing, someone does it.

Original poster

Pinkpinot · 12/08/2013 12:07

He's still in a horrible mood. Just spoken to him
Dreading him coming home tonight

OP posts:

FreeWee · 12/08/2013 12:18

My DH occasionally forgets he needs something for the next day and is either very apologetic and thankful when I rush it through or shrugs and makes do with what he has if it's not reasonably possible. I do the laundry so I don't have to do the cooking. Works for us. OP you are not being unreasonable to get annoyed with his 5am tantrum. If he knew the night before it wouldn't be ready he could have done it himself, done something to free up your time to do it for him or shrug and wear something else. Instead he threw a strop. YANBU to be annoyed at that.

Fairenuff · 12/08/2013 12:41

Why is he in a horrible mood? He has already apologised for being an arse this morning so what's bugging him now?

larrygrylls · 12/08/2013 14:42

"He has complete downtime all weekend, has at least 2 social nights out a week, maybe another 2 work nights out, has regular boys weekends away, business trips with downtime for pools and formula1 but admittedly works hard"

Well, in that case, if you say you are tight for money, maybe he should cut down on his social life in favour of a cleaner/ironer. And complete downtime all weekend sounds like bliss!

Anyway, I think you need to have a chat about things and work out something which you both find to be fair, as resentments are clearly building up.

SilverOldie · 12/08/2013 14:45

Wonders in which century larrygrylls was born.

YANBU OP - and when he gets home, ignore his horrible mood. Tell him to grow up.

Original poster

Pinkpinot · 12/08/2013 17:27

Yes, larry but that's another thread. Him cutting down.
Ftr- I didn't say things are tight, I said we don't have that much disposable income- for things like personal trainers, that kind of lifestyle
Tbh, I don't even want to spend that much energy on this relationship
I've pretty much had it. I just need to work out how to leave

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 12/08/2013 17:59

Maybe he should cut down on his socials to pay for those tennis lessons you are entitled to.

OP sounds like he's been taking you for granted and you've had enough?

Original poster

Pinkpinot · 12/08/2013 18:26

I can do the home stuff, that's fine, im not resentful, but all I get is grumpy tired miserable H, he doesn't respect me and doesnt get how important what I do is, then it's not really worth it.
I'm very unhappy, and nothing

OP posts:

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