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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Not Go to Friend's Leaving do?

94 replies

BoraBora · 11/08/2013 17:33

I'm in AIBU because I need some straight talking!

DD is now 9 months old. I've only been away from her longer than 2 hours on a couple of occasions (both times for work). I've not been out for social reasons without her since she's been born. My best friend was 30 when she was 5m old, but I didn't go to her do because DD has never taken a bottle, and I couldn't really leave her. BF was understanding, but of course a bit disappointed. BF is organising the leaving do for another friend of ours this Friday, as she's moving abroad the following week.

I agreed to go ages ago, and I thought I wanted to, but as it comes nearer, I'm less sure. Despite this, I was just going to tough it out and make myself go. Then, last night, I popped out to the shop leaving DH and DD at home. DD woke up, and on the way home, I could hear her crying half way down the road. It was that horrible, inconsolable frightened cry, like when they have their jabs. I thought DH would be fine, but DD did would not calm down for him. Anyway, so I now do not feel that I can go out to this event. Its the other side of London, and will take 1.5 hours to get there and the same back, but I know that if I don't go, everyone will be disappointed and a bit annoyed. They've kind of alluded to the fact that DD is plenty old enough to be left for an evening with her dad, and on one level I totally agree.

A bit of background: I've had quite bad PND, and this has manifested itself in at times paralysing anxiety. I'm on medication which has helped a lot, but I do still struggle.
/
So, WIBU not to go to the party

OP posts:
AnnoyingOrange · 11/08/2013 17:36

I was working full time when my ds was 9 months old, so I'd say go and enjoy yourself

Ragwort · 11/08/2013 17:36

OK straight talking - I think your DD needs to spend a lot more time with her own father, surely he can put her to bed etc - yes, she might cry a bit at first but you need to toughen it out, go out for a walk or something whilst he is putting her to bed.

It must be very hurtful for your DH to feel that he can't even comfort his own child (imagine if it was the other way round?).

I think you should go out and enjoy your evening and don't become a mummy martyr.

I was adamant from day 1 that my DS would never be over dependent on me, I always asked myself what would happen if I dropped dead Grin - harsh but true.

wilkos · 11/08/2013 17:38

What Ragwort said.

sameoldIggi · 11/08/2013 17:38

Is the 1.5 hours driving?
Would dh be able to come with you and bring dd - not to go to the event, but so she saw you during the journey time? Not so good on the underground though!
Of course it is ok to leave a nine month old for an evening. Persuading the nine month old of that, is obviously harder especially when it's the first time. Shame you haven't much time to try building up to it a bit. The good thing is, she won't actually need the milk while you're out, so not taking a bottle doesn't matter. Does your dh have ideas about how he will comfort her?

pictish · 11/08/2013 17:38

I think yabu, but I'm sure plenty of other people will be along to assure you it is perfectly natural never to want to leave your baby's side for a second.

Personally, I would not, and could not have been so anxious about leaving my babies with their father for the evening. I don't think it's healthy to make yourself so crucial that you can't have a single night out in 9 months without having a meltdown over it.

That's me though - I'm sure other people will agree with you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2013 17:38

I'm with Ragwort on the dropping dead. Grin I know it's hard but DD and DH need some practice at being alone.

pictish · 11/08/2013 17:39

Or what ragwort said.

Dilidali · 11/08/2013 17:40

Please please please, 'make yourself pretty' and go!
Your DD will be fine!
It's hard, I remember those days, but they did me a lot of good. Come the evening you're in no mood to have a bath, do your hair etc, you're shattered, I know.
Why don't you stroll with your DD and chose a pretty outfit for the do and refresh your make up bag, have a haircut (yes, it's like running a marathon woth a baby, but you'll be pleased).
Do go!

Ragwort · 11/08/2013 17:40

MrsTerry - I think I've overdone it with the dropping dead bit, DS is a lot older now (12) but I still use the expression if he moans about packing his own bag, doing the washing up etc but now he has taken to asking me what my life insurance is worth Grin.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 11/08/2013 17:40

I also think you need to tough this one out. If she never gets a chance to manage without you for an evening, no wonder she isn't good with it. Your DH will be able to step up to the plate. Let him do it.

Sleepthief · 11/08/2013 17:40

I think you need to go and your DD needs to get used to her dad looking after her. I'm on DC4 and have had Velcro babies and to be honest it gets to the point where you just have to be a bit tough - it does them no harm! Friends, though, will not stick around forever if you keep blowing them out. Make the effort for your friend who is moving abroad. Go out, have a good time, deal with DD when you get home Smile

Groovee · 11/08/2013 17:41

I would go. She has a daddy who should manage one evening. I made a point of dh having his 2 children regularly on his own in case anything ever happened to me.

WhoNickedMyName · 11/08/2013 17:43

Agree with Ragwort.

And at this rate you'll end up with no friends either, you'll be so 'out of the loop'.

Make yourself go.

NeedaWee · 11/08/2013 17:43

Its going to be a very long 18 years until the kid is ready to leave at this rate

teacher123 · 11/08/2013 17:44

I think you need to go. This is speaking as a fellow PND and anxiety sufferer (although my anxiety isn't/wasn't about leaving DS). DS was an ebf bottle refusing nightmare, and I had arranged to do some freelance work in the evenings twice a week from when he was 8 weeks old... The first two months were hellish, but it did mean that now I can leave him and he can be put to bed by DH, my mum or DH's mum... Can you drive to the event to make the journey quicker/get taxis?

NotYoMomma · 11/08/2013 17:45

agree with Ragwort

Joiningthegang · 11/08/2013 17:47

Yabu - not totally but a bit

If I was your bf who organised it or your friend who is moving abroad I would be hurt and think you were being precious and a bit pathetic.

If you are honest this is about you not your dd - as others have said it would do her good to be without you and with her daddy.

Just go - you will enjoy it!

Or don't - but Sony be surprised if your friends are hurt by this.

SofaKing · 11/08/2013 17:47

I would go. I left ds1 to go to a wedding when he was 8 months and I felt as you do now.

Ds 1 was fine and I even had fun. It was the first time I had relaxed in months, and I was a better mum for it. Go for it, it will be good for you and therefore good for her.

teacher123 · 11/08/2013 17:48

Also I was quite pissed off when a good friend came home from the states where she was living and was busy every daytime so couldn't meet up. I said 'can't we meet for dinner one evening?' And she couldn't leave her 18mo for three hours in the evening so we could go out for dinner...

Maggietess · 11/08/2013 17:48

I think that must be incredibly hard OP, now that you've got so far and never left her I can only imagine how much doing so would tug at the heartstrings!

But, I really have to agree with the others, it is not healthy for your daughter not to be able to have you leave for a few hours (most of which she, presumably, will be asleep!). Never mind what if you died, what if you had to go into hospital overnight or visit a very sick relative or your personal circumstances changed and you suddenly had to go back to work? It's going to be far far more traumatic for a lo to wonder why mummy has suddenly seemingly abandoned her.

She needs to get used to being with other people, in small doses if you'd be happier. In particular she really really needs to have time to bond with her dad, just the two of them, otherwise it's not fair on either of them.

And, particularly if you've had pnd, a night just you and your friends enjoying themselves could be exactly what you need.

Go!! And enjoy it! She'll be absolutely fine with her dad!! Good luck X

notnowbernard · 11/08/2013 17:49

Definitely go! Your mate is emigrating!

Even if it's to show your face and have half a pint or whatever your tipple is.

Dd will be fine, honestly Smile

pictish · 11/08/2013 17:49

Having a baby is no reason to neglect your friends.
We all know that having babies means going out a lot less often, and priorities shifting on their arse, but it should not mean that you ditch everything and everyone else to soley focus on your baby.
If you carry on as you are, your friends will take the hint and stop inviting you places at all.

LoveBeingItsABoy · 11/08/2013 17:49

Just text on the night and say she not well and you can't leave her

Almostfifty · 11/08/2013 17:50

I have a pal who would never leave her child with anyone else. Ever.

Said child is about to go to university.

The pal is so upset.

The child can't wait to go and leave her Mum as she's just been far too needy all the child's life.

Don't be that Mum. Let your DH cope. I bet your DC will be fast asleep when you get home.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 11/08/2013 17:51

glad you are not my friend lovebeing

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