To Not Go to Friend's Leaving do?

[BoraBora]

I'm in AIBU because I need some straight talking!

DD is now 9 months old. I've only been away from her longer than 2 hours on a couple of occasions (both times for work). I've not been out for social reasons without her since she's been born. My best friend was 30 when she was 5m old, but I didn't go to her do because DD has never taken a bottle, and I couldn't really leave her. BF was understanding, but of course a bit disappointed. BF is organising the leaving do for another friend of ours this Friday, as she's moving abroad the following week.

I agreed to go ages ago, and I thought I wanted to, but as it comes nearer, I'm less sure. Despite this, I was just going to tough it out and make myself go. Then, last night, I popped out to the shop leaving DH and DD at home. DD woke up, and on the way home, I could hear her crying half way down the road. It was that horrible, inconsolable frightened cry, like when they have their jabs. I thought DH would be fine, but DD did would not calm down for him. Anyway, so I now do not feel that I can go out to this event. Its the other side of London, and will take 1.5 hours to get there and the same back, but I know that if I don't go, everyone will be disappointed and a bit annoyed. They've kind of alluded to the fact that DD is plenty old enough to be left for an evening with her dad, and on one level I totally agree.

A bit of background: I've had quite bad PND, and this has manifested itself in at times paralysing anxiety. I'm on medication which has helped a lot, but I do still struggle.
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So, WIBU not to go to the party

Oh and perpetuating this is only going to increase your anxiety in the long term, not help make it better.

BoraBora - I think you should start with small steps - go out for 30 mins, then an hour, then 2 hours etc and plan to do things in this time.

Don't worry about bm if your baby doesn't take a bottle get your other half to feed with yoghurt water etc.

Remember you can always come home from party if you really need to.

Good luck and sorry to hear about your pnd.

And don't fret 9 months is still young, it will get easier.

Take Care !

Don't go.

In 9 months your dd was never away from you. It's not fair to leave her for 5 hours, specially is you are 1.5 hour away. Start leaving her for short amounts of time and build up. Then you ll be able to go to other dos in the future.

For now, she's a baby. Don't let her crying for 5 hours just because that's what society expects from you. Trust your instinct. Don't do things you're not comfortable with.

^^ this

OP, are you okay?

Shit. I wouldn't travel 1.5 hours for a night out. Ever.

By all means start leaving your dd for short periods but 3 hours travelling? For enjoyment?

Well it's your life and your baby, isn't it? No-one has to leave a child along to go out. Equally, friends don't have to put up with not seeing you for months, or to be ok with you missing their 'milestones'.

So it's up to you what feels more important at this time. I absolutely wouldnt blame you for not leaving your baby. I also wouldn't blame your mates for being pissed off and forgetting to phone you next time.

I do wonder though what kind of parent you hoped your partner would be when you were pg, and if you think your current situation is helping him be a confident parent? I don't mean that to sound arsey btw - but I do think it's something to think about.

In London travelling 1.5 hours is normal. It takes me an hour to get into central London.

OP, I think when you have a child it's very easy to just become someone's Mummy. It's still important to have time by yourself for yourself, have time with friends and adult conversation.

I have that, but 10 minutes away.

Whatever you decide, I totally feel for you. I too had PND, and a lot of it manifested itself in the form of serious anxiety regarding leaving the DCs. I had to do it a couple of times, most notably a wedding three hours away, the leaving for which started with me hysterical and hiding behind the curtains in my bedroom.
But I made it. (I had to. I was doing a reading) and I'm really pleased that I went. Also, every time I left the children, it got a tiny bit easier the next time. And, crucially, I always enjoyed myself when I got there.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

YANBU - she's your baby and you know her best. I'm guessing these friends of yours don't have children?

I BF DD until she was 18 months old, and barely went out in the evening until she was night weaned and slept through. However, I was happy to do so. During the odd couple of nights out I did have, to be honest, I wasn't happy and worried that she would be crying for me (and the milk, obviously).

I think a lot of this is down to personal choice and circumstance, eg I didn't go back to work after DD was born and so didn't have a deadline in terms of weaning etc - had I gone back to work after a year's mat leave, I think I would have done things differently.

Do whatever's right for you. If it'll give you a sense of your old self back and be a fun night out, bite the bullet and go but if not, why put the two of you through such a lot of hassle?

I hope your okay OP, I have PM'd you

Thank you to everyone who took time to reply!

I have left her with her dad before - a whole day on a couple of occasions and 3-4 hours every friday morning, and they've been absolutely fine. I think it's just something about night time that feels different, I guess her waking up and being disorientated.

I honestly thought you'd all tell me I was being heartless, and shouldn't consider it. I am going to go. I think I'll get there for the very start, so am not back too late. Her dad does most of her bedtime routine anyway, so shouldn't be too different for her.

The point about it undermining him I think is a really good one actually, and I hadn't thought of it like that before. She starts at the child minder on the 1st of October, so I know we need to sort this out. I guess it feels that I'm "allowed" to go to work, but not to go out socialising.

I'm with shroedinger.

You don't want to go? Don't go. It doesn't matter why you don't want to go.

I can't believe people are using the drop down dead thing to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.

OP. be kind to yourself and do whatever is right for you and your family.

Ah! X post! Have fun!

My kids wouldn't take a bottle either so I was tied to them for the duration of breastfeeding (I stopped when DS was 2 and DD was 3).

People judged me for being unable/unwilling to leave them but I knew they needed me and the social engagements I missed never seemed worth distressing my babies for.
They are now confident, independent kids aged 7 and 4.

The choices I made were tough ones and I lost out but they were choices that seemed right for me and my kids.

If it feels important to start regaining a little independence that's fine - you can start with this leaving do it with smaller steps. But if you and your daughter aren't ready that's ok too. Don't let other people's priorities push you into something you're not ready for.

If you're pushing yourself to go because you think you should but in fact you don't want to then don't go.

Sorry, that should say "If it feels important to start regaining a little independence that's fine - you can start with this leaving do or do it with smaller steps".

It sounds as if I could be you in regards to in your situation

my DS is 9 mo, will not take a bottle and is reliant on me to go to sleep at night but I have gone out and this maybe a bit harsh but DP just has to cope with a bit of a tough night, he'll carry on DS's routine as normal but if he's up a little late it's not a big deal and having a night away wont do them any lasting damage! why don't you express some milk and have DP give her a milky weetabix or something?

You don't have to stay all night but it will probably do you some good to venture out of your baby bubble!

It'll give DP some time alone together DD too which will be nice for them!

It's lovely to come home to them too after spending some time away, gives you a good chance to miss your baby (and gives DP a chance to appreciate all the hard work you do)

Go. I never did and decades later I am alone and friendless.

OP if you don't go you can always explain on a one to one basis why.

Katy - that is sad! We all know life moves on but babies are small for a short time - I don't get friends who can't wait!

Oh well in that case .....

Good for you, Bora. Have a lovely time! Your daughter will be just fine with her Dad.

1 1/2 hours travelling does seem a bit much TBH. But do get yourself a more local social life before it is too late.

Great news! Try to enjoy yourself. I remember the first evening I spent away, I didn't particularly enjoy it but I do remember it as being important to do.. To break that feeling of oddness about going out.

You're are not being heartless but helping your DC become in dependant and also helping the relationship with DF. It's important.

Glad you've decided to go, it will do you, your daughter and your husband the world of good. You can't be the be all and end all of her life when there are two capable parents there. Hope you have fun!