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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Not Go to Friend's Leaving do?

94 replies

BoraBora · 11/08/2013 17:33

I'm in AIBU because I need some straight talking!

DD is now 9 months old. I've only been away from her longer than 2 hours on a couple of occasions (both times for work). I've not been out for social reasons without her since she's been born. My best friend was 30 when she was 5m old, but I didn't go to her do because DD has never taken a bottle, and I couldn't really leave her. BF was understanding, but of course a bit disappointed. BF is organising the leaving do for another friend of ours this Friday, as she's moving abroad the following week.

I agreed to go ages ago, and I thought I wanted to, but as it comes nearer, I'm less sure. Despite this, I was just going to tough it out and make myself go. Then, last night, I popped out to the shop leaving DH and DD at home. DD woke up, and on the way home, I could hear her crying half way down the road. It was that horrible, inconsolable frightened cry, like when they have their jabs. I thought DH would be fine, but DD did would not calm down for him. Anyway, so I now do not feel that I can go out to this event. Its the other side of London, and will take 1.5 hours to get there and the same back, but I know that if I don't go, everyone will be disappointed and a bit annoyed. They've kind of alluded to the fact that DD is plenty old enough to be left for an evening with her dad, and on one level I totally agree.

A bit of background: I've had quite bad PND, and this has manifested itself in at times paralysing anxiety. I'm on medication which has helped a lot, but I do still struggle.
/
So, WIBU not to go to the party

OP posts:

Yonionekanobe · 11/08/2013 21:40

Good for you OP - have a wonderful time.

(Wondering where on earth pobbles lives that travelling 1.5 hours in London for a night out is normal!? Not in my little corner of the city!)

Original poster

BoraBora · 11/08/2013 21:43

Potentially outing myself, but I'm in the south east and the do's in East. No tubes down here so it's trains and buses, plus the area I'm going to is awkward to get to - only about 10 miles away but tricky as no direct route.

Oh god, I guess I'd better try DVD find something to wear!

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/08/2013 21:45

10 miles! Can't you drive there?

Original poster

BoraBora · 11/08/2013 21:58

Through central London on a Friday night?! Would take twice as long (and would have to pay congestion charge)!

OP posts:

sameoldIggi · 11/08/2013 22:00

Don't know much about London geography - but if you're SE and heading E, why would you go through central London?

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/08/2013 22:00

Don't go.

Hang on. South east to east us not through London surely?

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/08/2013 22:00

X posts

Yonionekanobe · 11/08/2013 22:02

Can absolutely see how it happens once in a while as in the car of this night out bora, but not as the norm!

I reckon no direct route gives the perfect excuse to leave a bit early.

Yonionekanobe · 11/08/2013 22:02

No congestion after 6.30pm?

Yonionekanobe · 11/08/2013 22:03

CHARGE I mean, plenty of congestion in some parts

Original poster

BoraBora · 11/08/2013 22:11

I should probably add that it's a moot point as we don't actually have a car!

OP posts:

Original poster

BoraBora · 11/08/2013 22:13

So I've just looked it up and it's an hour and 20, door to door...

OP posts:

pippop1 · 11/08/2013 22:26

So you know how people get to things late? I'd go late and then not have to leave so early. Could you run to a cab for some of the journey to speed things up?

quesadilla · 11/08/2013 22:39

Go. You may not really enjoy it but you have to get used to the idea of leaving her with your DH and you need to not leave it too long.

Nine months is long enough. The worst that will happen is that she will be distressed and cry a lot. It's stressful but it has to happen sooner or later and the later you leave it the worse it will get.

You don't need to stay that long if you're getting really antsy. An hour and a half to show willing will do it. But you need to break the cycle.

BlackeyedSusan · 12/08/2013 01:55

dd would be fine at that age. I used to open the door quietly and she was fine until she saw me, then she protested loudly at being left with daddy.

ds on the other hand...

try going out again. it may have been a one off. will it be later in the evening when she is asleep?

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 13/08/2013 18:23

There was a post that seemed the mirror of this a few weeks ago, from the perspective of your friend - it got moved to somewhere else.
OP, I agree that you should go if you can - your friends are not as high up the list as they were once, but they still matter, and it'll probably be nice to get to see them.
The PPs making comments about the friends not having children - maybe not. They still count as people, who don't deserve to be simply discounted because they have not made exactly the same choices at the same time as the OP - they still have feelings and a life that includes the OP (OP I know yo're not saying this).

carovioletfizz · 13/08/2013 20:44

Going to go against the grain here and say you should only go if it is what you want to do, not because you don't want to upset other people or are afraid of how they will view you. If you do not feel that you would enjoy yourself and are not ready to have a night out yet that is ok. Just do what feels right for you.

impatienttobemummy · 13/08/2013 20:51

You should go. I did the same as you and my DS was very dependent me as I never left him. Fast forward to me having to start work again and it was awful for him. I pregnant again and I vow to involve DH and Minlaw much much more this time as in the long run its better for baby and better for you.

I also have anxiety not to the same degree as you but worrying about people being upset with me ie friends happens so I'd be anxious if I stay in or go out so go! Enjoy yourself and try and build time out into your life as a benefit to her rather than depriving her of you, he's her Daddy remember she needs to bond with him too

DoJo · 13/08/2013 23:00

Glad you are going, but if you feel a bit wobbly, then think of it as giving your husband the chance to share in the bond that you have with your daughter in the night time. Being able to comfort her when she wakes in the night shouldn't be your sole domain anyway, but giving your husband the chance to be the one she reaches out to would be nice for him as well as her.

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