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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Not Go to Friend's Leaving do?

94 replies

BoraBora · 11/08/2013 17:33

I'm in AIBU because I need some straight talking!

DD is now 9 months old. I've only been away from her longer than 2 hours on a couple of occasions (both times for work). I've not been out for social reasons without her since she's been born. My best friend was 30 when she was 5m old, but I didn't go to her do because DD has never taken a bottle, and I couldn't really leave her. BF was understanding, but of course a bit disappointed. BF is organising the leaving do for another friend of ours this Friday, as she's moving abroad the following week.

I agreed to go ages ago, and I thought I wanted to, but as it comes nearer, I'm less sure. Despite this, I was just going to tough it out and make myself go. Then, last night, I popped out to the shop leaving DH and DD at home. DD woke up, and on the way home, I could hear her crying half way down the road. It was that horrible, inconsolable frightened cry, like when they have their jabs. I thought DH would be fine, but DD did would not calm down for him. Anyway, so I now do not feel that I can go out to this event. Its the other side of London, and will take 1.5 hours to get there and the same back, but I know that if I don't go, everyone will be disappointed and a bit annoyed. They've kind of alluded to the fact that DD is plenty old enough to be left for an evening with her dad, and on one level I totally agree.

A bit of background: I've had quite bad PND, and this has manifested itself in at times paralysing anxiety. I'm on medication which has helped a lot, but I do still struggle.
/
So, WIBU not to go to the party

OP posts:

pictish · 11/08/2013 17:52

I agree hobnob - I know there's nothing I like better in a friend than being fobbed off with excuses and lies.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 11/08/2013 17:52

You have a 9 month old child who can't be left with her own father - whether or not you go to this party, you need to work on this! Slowly, and at a pace you are comfortable with and with due consideration to your pnd. but honestly, she has a fully functioning father who needs to be just as capable as you of caring for his child.

You can do this!

cushtie335 · 11/08/2013 17:52

Just text on the night and say she not well and you can't leave her Why would you suggest the OP do that? It's really rotten and not achieving anything regarding her separation anxiety and will really hurt her friend's feelings. Sorry, but I think that you've given terrible advice.

SanityClause · 11/08/2013 17:55

Okay, you might not be ready to go is time, but you do need to take the steps to be able to do this.

More trips to the shops, leaving DD with DH. Build up to going to the pub for an hour with a friend. Then, leave DD with DM or someone to go out for dinner with DH at a local place. And so on.

You can do this. And you must!

plentyofsoap · 11/08/2013 17:55

She is with her Dad, nothing bad will happen. You need to develop a social life away from your dd it is healthy to do that it does not make you a bad mum.

ItsAFuckingVase · 11/08/2013 17:55

Seriously, it isn't healthy for the child to not have the opportunity to spend time with other people, especially her own father!

I understand that its hard, but whenever you leave her properly for the first time it will be just as hard, infact probably harder the longer you let it go on.

Your friend is moving abroad - it isn't just a random night on the town!

Lizzabadger · 11/08/2013 17:56

You should go and you need to get your DD used to being without you (and you used to being without your DD).

londonrach · 11/08/2013 18:00

Go!!!!! Let dh cope. Please make yourself pretty and enjoy seeing everyone. I allow you one phone call back only. I promise you dh will cope. Enjoy the night out. Xxxx

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/08/2013 18:00

I'd say you need to go. Your DD needs to get used to your DH settling her, he's her Dad of course he should be able to.

I'm not saying that at first it isn't easy and of course you will miss her but you have to be able to do your own thing once in a while, it does get easier

If you don't do it you'll keep putting it off and they'll always be a reason why you can't.

diaimchlo · 11/08/2013 18:42

If you don't start leaving your little angel now to have some self time you will be making a rod for your own back and potentially issues for her when it comes to starting Nursery and School...

I talk from experience as I was very protective of my youngest (5th) to the point he didn't go to nursery as he would get upset when I left. When he started school I felt as if I would have to have my right leg amputated as he was constantly clinging to it. It caused a lot of upset and stress for both of us.

So please start now, she will be with someone who loves her and will protect her.

thebody · 11/08/2013 18:48

I agree with pobble here. you NEED to go or you will be giving into your anxieties to the detriment of your dd and dh.

don't send signals to dh that he can't cope and don't make yourself indispensable to your dd.

it's not fair.

VelvetSpoon · 11/08/2013 19:03

Another here who thinks you need to go.

I've never had the luxury of letting my babies be clingy, I knew I was returning to FT work about 6 months after they were born, so I had to make sure they were used to being with other people, and that they would take a bottle (tbh, although DS1 was fine with bottles when he realised I wasn't there, DS2 never took to it, and insisted on a cup/beaker). I honestly don't think it does a child with 2 parents any good to be so completely reliant on 1, to the detriment of the other.

Even if you only go for half an hour, I still think you should go. It will do all of you good.

nannynewo · 11/08/2013 19:05

I know it may seem hard but you need to go to the party. For several reasons. You don't want to lose your friends by never spending time with them. Your poor dh too! He must be hurt knowing your dd won't settle for him. And your poor dd who really should spend some more alone time with her dad.

Break the habbit now and give yourself a well deserved break!

Viviennemary · 11/08/2013 19:08

If you carry on like this where is it all going to end. A very needy child who can't be away from her mother (even in her own father's care) without getting very upset. I don't think this is a good thing at all. I agree don't be that Mum or things will get worse. I made a point of making sure DD was perfectly happy with DH. Nothing else is remotely sensible.

CreatureRetorts · 11/08/2013 19:10

I was like this with dd - 9 months and missed some social events because couldn't leave dd (not my PFB).

You have to try going out in the afternoon and let DH sort dd at bedtime. He can feed her a snack and give her milk in a beaker (dd never took a bottle). Otherwise she'll look for you. Try letting him help with bedtime at first eg stories, bathing etc etc. also he needs to relax otherwise she'll pick up on his stress.

FrogsGoWhat · 11/08/2013 19:11

I know how you feel - as I feel the same and DD is now 2!

However - I have managed a few nights out (and a whole year of working part time - but night time separations "felt" different), and DP has managed fine each time.

He had to have a plan though - he would take her out for a walk in the sling, they would have a cbeebies DVD, and routine would be abandoned. DD would fall asleep cuddling him when she was tired enough - and it works as a one-off just fine.

Friends are precious :) Go out, but make sure your DP has a plan - a walk outside I think is perfect as DP had always taken DD for a walk around the block from very young, so she didn't "expect" me there - would that work for you?

CreatureRetorts · 11/08/2013 19:11

I will add, she's now 20 months (dd) and I can go out no problem. She's not needy - she just wasn't happy being left just yet. So ignore the naysayers but take small steps.

Xmasbaby11 · 11/08/2013 19:13

YABU - I really think you should go. You need to trust your DH and give him the chance to look after DD.

I understand that it's difficult to be so far away if you are not used to it - 1.5 hours is a very long time to travel and I guess it will be a long evening. Is there any way you could have a practice run by going out more locally one evening - say just for an hour - so that you feel less anxious and able to deal with it?

If you decide not to go, you should be honest with your friend and explain about your PND and anxieties. A real friend would understand and if she genuinely wants to see you, she can come to you.

schroedingersdodo · 11/08/2013 19:19

Don't go.

In 9 months your dd was never away from you. It's not fair to leave her for 5 hours, specially is you are 1.5 hour away. Start leaving her for short amounts of time and build up. Then you ll be able to go to other dos in the future.

For now, she's a baby. Don't let her crying for 5 hours just because that's what society expects from you. Trust your instinct. Don't do things you're not comfortable with.

It's just a few months ffs! I'd your friends can't spare you for a few months while you are in a delicate moment in your life, well, it's their problem not yours.

ilovesooty · 11/08/2013 19:26

I don't much care about the status of the OP. I don't care if this is true or not. I still think there are questions to be asked about her parenting and the values she's brought her son up with. She has brought
up a child who thinks that theft by finding is ok

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 11/08/2013 19:30

Wrong thread Sooty?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 11/08/2013 19:33

OP - I think you're getting a hard time here (albeit a well meaning one)

I struggled to leave ds at that age (longer in fact) so I definitely don't think yabu. However, I agree with hec -you need to start building up to time away from her, partly so that nights out like this are an option and partly to help the bond between father and daughter.

Good luck

Mumbledore · 11/08/2013 19:35

Maybe you could have an agreement with DH to send him a discreet text if you're not enjoying yourself, and he can ring with a fake emergency that means you have to go home. You probably wouldn't need to but having that in your mind might help. It is hard but I'm sure they'll be fine. Also, it would be a shame to let your friendships drift off - life can be lonely without friendship. I think going would be good, but you've got to do what's right for you especially if you're still struggling with PND and anxiety.

MrsPercyPig · 11/08/2013 19:41

How strange that the child's own father couldn't settle her when she woke up!

Your dd isn't a newborn baby now, she needs to be able to be settled by her own father as well as you!

I actually think you are being really unfair on your dd and your dh by not allowing proper bonding between them.

YABU

beginnings · 11/08/2013 19:41

Another one who agrees with Ragwort and my Dd was also a bottle refuser which I found incredibly stressful.

Ultimately, YOU need to know that your DD can be away from you so that if you have to be away from her in an emergency, you're not going to be stressed about it when you have something else that you have to focus on.

It's hard, I remember the first time I went to the supermarket without her at 11 weeks. Hated every second of it.

Those who say it's important for your DH are also right. He has to learn how to do it, for the sake of their relationship. Now that she's eating solids, that should be a lot easier and you should me actively encouraging it. I love seeing the relationship my 15 month old has with her Dad, it's really heartwarming and makes me feel confident too.

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